The Mistress He Loves
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: Robert marries Lady Phillipa, only child of the Earl of Withersom and heiress to a fortune large enough to save Downton. But he cannot forget about Miss Levinson, now the Dowager Duchess of Suffolk. One fateful day they meet again and their lives are thrown into turmoil. Will Robert and Cora ever find true happiness? (Rewrite of 'The Affair' with *major* changes to the story line)
1. Chapter 1

AN: So this is the promised rewrite of _The Affair_. As you have noticed, I gave the story a different title which I think fits this version of the story much better. I have changed quite a lot of the story, we won't get to the actual 'original' story before chapter 9. One of the first eight chapters will be a rewritten version of _Till Death do Them Part_ but I'll change it quite a bit.

I've changed a major part of the original story line, so even if you've read _The Affair_ already (and I know there are some of you out there who have actually read it more than once), this story contains several new developments.

There will be a few chapters that I have largely taken from _The Affair_ , but those have (or rather will be) changed and hopefully improved as well.

.

I plan to always update this story on Sundays and Thursdays, although I may have to skip a Thursday at one point or another, but I'll try to stick with two updates a week.

So anyway, I hope that you enjoy this story!

P.S.: Chapters are of varying length.

* * *

Violet

Grantham House, London – July 1889

"Mrs. Patmore, are you sure you can handle this?"

"Yes I am."

"This is a very important dinner."

"And I am very well aware of that." She should slap that assistant cook turned cook by lucky coincidence around the face but she doesn't. It is never good to upset the cook and after all, it is not poor Beryl's, 'Mrs. Patmore's' she corrects herself, fault that the old cook has suddenly become sick. The only chance they had was to make their 20 year old assistant cook the cook. At least for the upcoming dinner to which more than 20 people have been invited.

She isn't sure that this will work but to find someone new on such short notice was impossible.

"Very well then," she says and leaves. She hates being in the kitchen. Each time she has to go down there to discuss the food for the next week she swears to herself that she will stop entering the kitchen as soon as she has a daughter-in-law.

And she should have a daughter-in-law soon. The season is almost over and Robert should propose marriage to Lady Phillipa Acton, only child of the Earl of Withersome. Said Earl does not have a male heir and is apparently unable or unwilling to conceive one. Accordingly, Lady Phillipa is the heiress to a substantial fortune, a fortune so substantial that it could save Downton Abbey. And so Robert has to propose to her.

There is of course one other candidate, Miss Cora Levinson, daughter of an American self-made millionaire. Miss Levinson is the last of 'the Americans' as Violet likes to call them whom the family had considered as a future wife for Robert. But that had been before they found out about Lady Phillipa's dowry and of course an English woman is preferable to an American one. Why Robert hasn't yet severed ties with Miss Levinson is a mystery to her but it does not really matter because as soon as Miss Levinson finds out that Robert is engaged to someone else she'll stop to bat her eyelashes whenever she and Robert are in the same room.

"Papa, please." She halts her steps. She had hoped that Patrick would have finished talking to Robert now, would have finally convinced their son to propose to Lady Phillipa.

"Robert, you are behaving like a child."

"I don't want to marry her." That is of course the problem. Robert has no interest in Lady Phillipa, he does not find her beautiful and does not care for her admittedly strange sense of humor.

"Robert, you have to marry her or we'll lose the estate. Would you like to live here, in London, all year long? Like some common business man?"

"No," Robert says and she thinks that Patrick is right. Their son sounds like a child.

"Then," Robert shakes his head to interrupt his father, slams a glass down on the table with such force that she is sure that it has left a mark and then he rounds on his father.

"But I don't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life either."

"Marriage isn't about love for people like us." No, it isn't she thinks. Patrick and she like each other but they don't love each other and the mere fact that they can spend an evening alone with just each other for company without wanting to jump out of a window afterwards singles them out among their peers.

"So you say. But I think that love is important."

"You have read too many of your sister's romance novels. And see where she ended up. Married to a banker when she could have had a Viscount. I ask you." It makes her chuckle. Rosamund's marriage did not make her father happy. He would have liked to see her as a duchess, or better yet queen. 'Rosamund could run the country,' he once said to her and she agreed. But as neither duke nor king had been available during Rosamund's first two seasons they settled on a Viscount. Or so they thought until Rosamund came into the drawing one evening and told them all that she had fallen in love with Marmaduke Painswick, son of a banker, and that she would marry him. Weeks and weeks of fights had followed, but in the end, as always, Rosamund got what she wanted. She still seems happy with her choice.

"She followed her heart, Papa and I admire her for it."

"You don't have the time or the money to follow your heart Robert. A marriage to an Earl's daughter is a very small price to pay to safe the estate."

"Even if it was an unhappy marriage?"

"People like us are never unhappily married," Patrick retorts and it makes her sigh. They both think so but she had hoped that Robert would find true love. However, mismanagement of the estate caused all those hopes to vanish into thin air.

"What if they are?" Robert asks.

"Then they deal with it. Robert you don't have another chance."

"What about Miss Levinson?" Robert asks and she closes her eyes. There was something in Robert's voice that gave her a cold shiver but she can't point a finger to it. Not yet.

"What about her? She is an American. New money even by their standards. She was never more than a last option."

"For you," Robert says and his voice has gone very soft. She feels her heart begin to beat faster and sweat building on her forehead. This can't be true.

"For you as well. You said so yourself. You said she had no idea how to behave amongst our kind of people."

"It was never meant as criticism." Robert now chuckles and she has a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"What?" The look on Patrick's face is priceless. After 20 years of living with Robert he still is surprised that his son doesn't always share his views and opinions.

"She is something special. Exotic."

"If you want to see something exotic, go to India. Your mother and I enjoyed it very much." 'No we didn't' she thinks. She thought it was too hot and hated every minute of it.

"I doubt that Mama," Robert starts but Patrick holds up his hand to stop him. She is quite glad about it because she once told Robert that she did not like India but Patrick does not need to know this.

"This is not about your mother. And it isn't about you or Lady Phillipa or Miss Levinson either. It is about Downton."

"If this is only about Downton then it should not matter to you whether I marry Lady Phillipa or Miss Levinson."

"It matters Robert, because Miss Levison is quite unsuitable. Unless of course you truly love her." She is not surprised by this, she is sure that Patrick would consent to marriage between Robert and Miss Levinson if there was real love. She sends a prayer to the heavens for Rober to say 'yes'. If there was love, the marriage could be justified.

"No. I don't love her. I just like her." Her heart sinks.

"Then you will propose to Lady Phillipa tomorrow." Robert sighs and nods in defeat. She wants to enter the room, wants to tell him that it is his decision but Patrick sees her and shakes his head. And he is right. It would not be a good idea. The next Countess of Grantham an American. They may have lost their money but they haven't sunken so far yet.

"Would you like to look at the rings we have got? Or would you prefer to buy a new one?"

"I am sure that Mama's frightful aunt Augusta gave her a horrible ring she hates. I'll use that one."

It makes her laugh although she thinks that she should probably cry about it. When Robert walks past her he looks so defeated that she almost reaches out to him. But only almost. She isn't that kind of mother after all.

Robert drinks himself into a stupor that night and when he returns from Withersom House the next morning, all he says is "She said yes and her father will contact you". He leaves again after that and stays at his club for the next four days.

AN: So I hope that you like this chapter. Next update will be on Thursday.

Please let me know what you think and write a review!

Thank you so much and have a great Sunday,

Kat


	2. Chapter 2

Cora

Belgrave Square, London – July 1889

"Will you marry me?" The question has been running through her mind constantly throughout the last three days. Three days ago the Duke of Suffolk proposed marriage to her. She knows it was a combination of desperation for her money, sexual attraction on his part and the promise of having done something surprising, exotic. A duke marrying an American. The papers would be full of it. Especially as she is what some people would call a 'second class American'. Her parents are new money even by the standards of the New World. And what a triumph it would be if she became a duchess. That is all her mother has been talking about for weeks, ever since the duke made his intentions known.

"Just imagine that Cora. At all those parties that we are always shunned at, we can now talk about our daughter, the DUCHESS." She would like to fulfill her mother her dearest wish but the thing is, she would much rather her parents were talking about their daughter, the Viscountess.

Viscountess Downton, that is who she wants to be, that is why she hasn't accepted the duke yet. She is waiting for the Viscount Downton to propose. And she is sure that he will. The family needs her money, of course they do. No English man would look at her if he didn't need the money. But there is still something about Lord Downton. She cannot point her finger to it, she cannot name it, but there is something that makes her heart flutter whenever she sees him, whenever he talks to her. And when he kissed her, she thought that she would faint. He was so gentle and forceful at the same time and she had thought that he was about to propose then but he didn't. All he said was 'I am so sorry, I shouldn't have done that,' and then he blushed. He looked like a little boy who had been caught stealing a pie from the kitchen. She had told him that, he had laughed and then said 'Maybe that is because you are even sweeter than a pie'. He brushed his knuckles across her cheek then and they had looked into each other's eyes for minutes and she almost said 'I am falling in love with you'. But she didn't say it, she thought it was too forward.

"Cora, are you listening to me?" She turns around and sees her mother, bedecked in ostentations jewels glittering in the sunlight that is coming through her window.

"No mother," she says and swallows.

"Well, you better start listening now. The duke is coming here tonight and you have to accept him. He'll withdraw his offer if you don't."

She slowly nods. She doesn't know what to do. If she accepted the duke she would say yes to a probably loveless marriage. But she would be a duchess, everyone would cater to her every need. It would be safe, her parents would be proud, their social standing would be lifted. Or she could refuse the duke and wait for Lord Downton to propose, wait for the chance of a much happier marriage. But she cannot be sure that he will propose. She expected him to do so, still expects him to do so but it worries her that he hasn't tried to contact her in over a week.

"Mother, I am not certain I want to accept him. I don't love him."

"Love, Cora, is never important in those marriages." She sighs.

Her mother is right of course although it is easy for her to say. She married her father out of love. He was a middle class salesman, returned from the Civil War a year prior to their meeting, she was the daughter of a middle class salesman, they had all the time in the world to follow their hearts. A loveless marriage is the price she will probably have to pay for a life in splendor.

"I know mother. But Lord Downton," she cannot help it. She cannot help mentioning him and now it is her mother who sighs.

"Cora, don't wait for Lord Downton. He won't propose. If we could be sure that he would, I would tell you to wait for him. He would probably be the better husband, if the less impressive one. But we can be sure that he will not propose."

"How can you be certain?" she asks and stares at her mother intently. The ostentations jewels that make her look like a Christmas Tree. The colors of her dress that are far too bright. The ridiculous show that she makes of her wealth. And the hand moving towards her with a folded piece of paper in it.

She takes the paper and knows what it says before she has looked at it but still she looks at it because she has to see it in print.

.

 _The Earl and Countess of Withersom are happy to announce the engagement of their daughter_

 _Lady Phillipa Margret Acton_

 _to_

 _Robert James, the Viscount Downton_

 _Son of the Earl and Countess of Grantham_

 _._

So that was why Lord Downton hadn't tried to meet her again. He was engaged to someone else, a proper English woman. She understands his reasoning without him explaining them to her. Of course Lady Phillipa Margret Acton is a much better choice than Miss Cora Josephine Levinson.

"Well then," she says to her mother.

"So you will accept the duke?" She takes a deep breath, looks into her mother's expectant face and then says a clear and determined "Yes".

Her mother's face breaks into a smile.

"That is my Cora," she says. "Don't wallow in self-pity, look ahead at what is to come and not at what could have been. I am very proud of you."

"Thank you mother," she answers and then says "I must get ready to accept the duke. I think I should look my best."

So she takes a bath with the help of her American maid Sully and then waits for her hair dry before continuing to dress. She does not exchange a single word with Sully during the whole process and Sully does not say anything either. It is unusual for her but maybe she senses Cora's discomfort.

"There you are Miss," are the first words that Sully says after having dressed her, done her hair and put on her jewels.

"Thank you Sully," she says. "You will soon be the lady's maid of a duchess," she adds and Sully nods.

"So you think his grace will allow you to keep me?"

"Yes," she replies because that will be one of her terms. She won't mention it to him yet, but her father promised her that she could name a few wishes that he would make part of the marriage contract. And keeping Sully will be one of them. She needs a link to America, she needs someone who understands her. "And we will keep on John as well."

John is the footman they brought from America. He acts as her father's valet but only because her father's actual valet fled at the thought of having to go to England and spent a summer 'in huge drafty houses and castles'.

Sully suggested her brother John as a temporary replacement and they have both expressed wishes to stay in England if she stayed. Her father will have to find a new valet of course but he won't mind, not if it means that his little girl has at least two people around her who keep an eye out for her. She doubts the duke will object, he is not a bad man, he won't force a maid on her who is his spy.

"He is not a bad man," is what she tells herself when she enters the drawing room. "He is not a bad man," is what she tells herself when he corners her after dinner. And it is true. The Duke of Suffolk is not a bad man. He just isn't Lord Downton either. But there is nothing she can do about it. Absolutely nothing.

"Have you decided then, Miss Levinson?"

"Yes, Duke. I have made my decision. I am very honored by your proposal and I accept with the greatest pleasure."

The duke nods and smiles and then kisses her and the kiss feels nothing like the kiss that Lord Downton gave her but she swallows the bile that moves up her throat and plays along.

'Playing along,' she thinks 'is what I will do for the rest of my life'. She hears a door shut somewhere in the vicinity and it feels as if that shutting door had locked her in a place she does not want be, a life she does not want to lead.

* * *

AN: Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews! I am sorry I only managed to reply to them just today but I've been incredibly busy, had to organize a few family events.

Anyway, I am really glad that so many of you like this story! As I said, there will be a few substantial changes to the story line, so I hope no one will get bored. I've also been wondering about writing a Violet/Patrick prequel set around the time of 'the Russian wedding'. It wouldn't be too long but a few chapters. I wish we knew more about them. I think they were neither blissfully happy nor desperately unhappy, they just made do with what they had and I find that interesting to work with. The question of what becomes of a marriage that is in many ways content but not happy and how that may or may not be influenced by at least one child happily married (I never know about Rosamund and Marmaduke. Whether they were in love or not. I hope they were, Rosamund would have deserved it)

That's enough of my rambling for today I think.

Please let me know what you think of this chapter!

Hope you all have a nice day,

Kat


	3. Chapter 3

Cora

Suffolk House, London - April 1892

The doctor coughs and coughs and coughs again and she is sure that it is bad news again. She has been married for two years now and nothing to show for it except for two miscarriages. The duke only knows about the first one, because she was stupid enough to tell him early on. Of course he had not been happy when she lost the child, he accused her of not having taken care of herself enough, of having risked their child's life.

She did not believe him because she knows better. No matter how much pressure her husband puts on her, she knows that children are often miscarried. Her mother has two living children but was pregnant seven times. She doesn't remember all of the miscarriages but the later ones are still fresh in her mind. And while she feels very sorry for her parents who both would have liked to have at least one more child, it helped her deal with her own miscarriages.

"It looks as if this child had a very good chance," the doctor says and smiles and she feels a huge wave of relief wash over her. She wants a child and it will make the duke happy which hopefully means that he will leave her alone or better yet, be nicer to her again.

He is not a bad man, she keeps telling herself that, but she does not love him and he does not lover her either. The sexual attraction he once felt to her is now bestowed on a maid and he keeps nagging about an heir. He has already sent her to numerous doctors in London, all of whom assured her and him that she should be able to conceive a child and carry it to term. But he is getting impatient. And when the duke gets impatient he isn't nice. He does not hurt her, she believes he would never do such a thing, but he is very short with her and has stopped all form of communication that is not necessary to the conception of an heir. So she feels even more isolated than she did at the beginning of her marriage when they often had nice conversation after dinner. The duke would sometimes ask her about growing up in America and they'd have lively but friendly discussions on how American their children should be raised. He even promised her to take her to New York before the turn of the century.

But all that has stopped. She knows he thinks he made a mistake, that the reason they haven't got an heir or at least a daughter yet is that an American dollar princess and a British duke are not compatible. Of course that is rubbish and she told him so but he only brushed her off. He is not interested in America anymore, the last time she mentioned travelling there he only told her how expensive it was.

She has tried again and again to talk to him about a number of things after dinner, all without success. And she is tired, so tired of putting in the effort, this marriage is not worth it. But maybe it will become better now, maybe, just maybe. Or at least it will become easier for both of them to just play along.

So before she goes down to dinner, she knocks on the duke's door and he lets her in, although he seems surprised. She smiles at him and he looks bored and as if he wished he was somewhere, anywhere else.

"John," she says and he looks at her, still bored, still not really listening. "I am pregnant," she goes on and waits for his reaction.

"Don't lose it again," he says and tears begin to sting in her eyes immediately. How can he be so unfeeling?

"The doctor says I won't," she replies and he looks at her.

"Well, let's hope he is right. And don't dare to let it be a girl."

"John, I can't influence that. And wouldn't you like a daughter?" She had hoped he would.

"Cora," he says and it sounds very harsh, "I don't want any children. Not at all. But I need a son. I need an heir. That is all I care about."

She turns around, leaves and bangs the door. She knows she is being childish but she is incredibly disappointed and sad. She did not expect him to kiss her but to at least say something nice and maybe s smile at her. 'Robert would not have done it. Robert would have been happy', she thinks and wants to let herself get lost in those thoughts.

She can't help it. Whenever the duke does something that disappoints her or whenever she feels especially lonely, thoughts of Lord Downton, Robert, come to her mind. She should have told him how she felt, she should have gone to him after the announcement of his engagement. Those things can be undone as long as no contracts have been signed and she is almost sure that had she come him, had she told him that she was about to fall in love with him, he would have changed his mind. But she was too shy and too hurt. And now she can't stop thinking about him.

It does not make it any easier that she has heard that the marriage of Lord and Lady Downton isn't very happy. If he was happily married she could forget about him, but not this way. Not when she knows that they could have been, would have been happy together.

"Cora," the duke says to her gently and puts a hand on her shoulder. "I am sorry. I should not have said those things. I had a very bad day and I let it out on you. Of course I am pleased that you are pregnant. And we won't have to take care of the child ourselves. That is what nannies are for, so it doesn't matter that I don't want to have a child. And I do need an heir." It hurts her. It hurts her so much and she cannot stop herself from putting a protecting hand on her stomach.

"What if it matters to me?" she asks. "What if I want a child?"

"Then you can visit it in the nursery. I am sure we will find a nanny who will let you visit every day."

"Let me visit? But we are talking about our child. There should be no 'let'."

"Then we will find a nanny who thinks it is a good idea for an aristocratic mother to take care of her child from time to time." She knows this might be due to the pregnancy, it probably is, but she sees red.

"John, how can you be like that? How can you say those things? I love our child and I want to take care of it as much as I can. I'll keep playing the duchess, don't worry, but I will be a mother. A real mother."

John now begins to laugh, shake with laughter in fact and then he says "Cora, you are too American. That really is a ridiculous notion."

"I'll eat in my room," she says and leaves her husband standing right where he is.

Only a few minutes later there is a gentle knock on the door and Sully enters, carrying a tray laden with food.

"His Grace said you weren't feeling well. He asked that I bring food to you. And he was right. You need to eat, Your Grace."

"I suppose I do. But his grace was only worried about the child. A child he doesn't want. But he needs an heir." Sully looks at her and she can see in her maid's face that she isn't sure whether to reply to this. She gives a gentle nod and her maid replies

"His Grace was worried and he is not a bad man. I am sure he'll come to love the child eventually." She looks down at her plate and pushes the food she is supposed to eat around in endless figure eight movements.

"I wish what you say were true. But I am afraid this child will be raised very English. He or she will be presented to us after tea for half an hour every day. If we are on the Estate. When we are here in London we won't see the child at all, I am quite sure of that. And that is not what I want."

Sully takes another deep breath and then says "You are regretting this, aren't you?" She has gone too far considering that she is the lady's maid of a duchess, but Cora considers Sully to be a friend and so she is thankful for the question.

"Yes. I don't regret coming to England. By regret not speaking up when" she leaves the sentence hanging in the air and Sully raises her eyebrows.

"You regret not speaking up to Lord Downton about how you felt."

"My mother said he would have been the better husband. But there was of course no one who could have done anything about this. No one except for me."

"Or Lord Downton," Sully says and she nods. That is of course true but she has a feeling that she should have been the more forward one, that that would have been much easier for her than for him.

"Oh Sully, I should probably be happy. As you said, his grace is not a bad man."

.

.

She goes to bed very early that night because she is tired, no doubt a side effect of the pregnancy. She falls into a deep sleep right away. Her sleep is so deep that she has no idea where she is when her maid wakes her up.

"It is still dark," she says and Sully replies "Yes, your grace," in a solemn voice. "But you have to get up now. There is a police officer downstairs who wants to speak to you."

She has no idea what this is about and is endlessly thankful to Sully for helping her.

"Duchess," the officer says when he sees her. He is dressed in the typical officer's uniform, his hat still on his head, buttons gleaming in the light coming from the lit gas lamps.

"Do you know where your husband went around half past seven tonight?"

She shakes her head and pulls her dressing gown around her more tightly as she feels a chill running down her back.

"I didn't know he was gone at all. I went to sleep early because I wasn't feeling well."

"He went to his club," the officer says and her head begins to hurt. Why did he ask her if she knew where John went when he knew himself?

"That is not unusual," she says.

"He drank a lot."

She swallows once because she is sure that she will soon hear very bad news.

"He sometimes does. I thought that was what most gentlemen did at their club."

The officer is obviously trying to bite back a chuckle.

"Yes, duchess. But the duke also took part in a carriage race."

"What?" she asks. She is not surprised, it would be typical for John who loves to do daring things. That is why he married her after all.

"He took part in a carriage race involving four carriages and 16 horses. There was an accident." She stares at the officer and knows what is coming next.

"The duke's carriage fell over and he was very badly hurt. There was nothing that could have been done for him." She stares into the light of one of the gas lamps and sees a thousand stars. Then she places a protective hand on her stomach and says

"So he is dead." It is not a question and the officer nods.

"Thank you officer. Is there anything you need me to do?"

"No, duchess. But be assured that you have my deepest condolences." She nods, the officer leaves and she is left standing in the middle of the library of a huge drafty house that now belongs to her unborn child. The duke does not have any male relatives, no matter how distant. This will all go to his only child, a child he will never meet, a child who will never meet him.

"I am so sorry your grace," Sully says when she steps next to her and touches her at her elbow.

"Let's hope the child is a girl," she says, more to herself than to Sully but Sully had obviously heard and voices her confusion.

"A girl? But why Your Grace? Only a boy could inherit the title."

She sighs and then says

"If the child was a girl, we could return to America. A boy would be duke from the moment of his birth on. He would have to grow up in England and be groomed for a position in society he would be holding when he is still far too young to understand any of it. And I don't know how to raise a duke."

* * *

AN: First of all, thank you all so much for all the reviews on the last chapter! They are what motivates me to write almost every day!

This is one of those chapters I am not really sure about. It isn't part of the outline of this story, but I thought that it would fit in anyway and that it could be helpful to see what Cora's marriage is like.

I hope you all have a great Sunday and coming week!

Kat

P.S.: Next chapter definitely up on Thursday as I have already written the story until chapter 7 (and outlined the complete story).

Oh, and please let me know what you think about this chapter! Thanks again :)


	4. Chapter 4

AN: This is one of the longer chapters :)

More at the bottom.

* * *

Robert

Downton Abbey – May 1893

.

 _"Papa! Mama!" Mary comes running into the room, her hair flying behind her. Her dress is a little dirty and the nanny looks apologetically at them. "I only just convinced her to come back inside my lady," she says and Cora nods._

 _"Nanny, I know my daughter, please don't apologize." The nanny nods and curtsies and leaves._

 _"Mary," he says. "What did you do outside?"_

 _"I was in the stables helping with the horses, Papa. Mama, do you think I could have a pony for my birthday?" Cora looks at him and he gives a slight nod. Why shouldn't Mary have a pony for her birthday? He could go riding with her, it could be something they could do together._

 _"We will see," Cora says to Mary and the girl's eyes light up._

 _"I love you Mama," she says and Cora lifts her onto her lap, presses a kiss to her forehead and says "And I love you too, my darling girl." She then begins to tickle her. Mary squirms and screams, and yells "Papa, help me," and he lifts her out of Cora's arms and places a kiss on their daughter's forehead as well._

 _"What else would you like for your birthday?" he asks and Mary says "A brother or a sister."_

 _He looks at Cora who smiles and nods and suddenly Mary is gone and they are in Cora's room and he asks her if she is pregnant and she says yes. He begins to kiss her and kissing turns into more and just when he is about to actually sleep with her,_

he hears a very shrill and screeching

"Robert! Wake up! It is the middle of the day! It is time for tea and I don't want to have to spend time with Mary on my own."

He mentally shakes himself and then looks at his wife standing in the doorway between their rooms. She only ever uses the door to yell at him. And of course she looks nothing like Cora, she isn't Cora, it was all just dream. It is always just a dream. A dream he has several times a week. Sometimes Mary is just a baby in those dreams, sometimes she is almost grown up, sometimes Cora tells him that she is pregnant with Mary, sometimes with a second or third child.

Each time he wakes up he feels a pang of regret so strong that he thinks that it will knock the stuffing out of him. If only he had made the right decision. If only, when he dreamed of Cora days before his wedding he had followed his instincts and run to her and asked her to flee with him. She hadn't been married at that time either. They could have escaped to Gretna Green and gotten married there and no one could have changed anything about it. Of course he cannot be sure that Cora would have come along with him. It is his fault and his fault alone that the woman he has to spend the rest of his life with isn't the loveliest woman he has ever met but a scarecrow that should be put on the fields.

He shouldn't have listened to his parents, he should have followed his heart, he should have realized that what he felt for Cora was love. But he didn't and so all that remains is dreaming of her, the woman he now knows would have been the love of his life.

He didn't even dare to tell her that he would propose to someone else. He knew she had been expecting it and he knows that she would have said yes. She would have picked him over a duke and gladly so.

He supposes his reason for not telling her was a mixture of shame and wanting to protect both of them. Had he gone to her and told her that he was about to propose to someone else, she might have told him that she would marry him too and then he wouldn't have been able to refuse her. And he hopes that this paved the way for her to forget about him, to be mad at him, to not let her linger over doubts concerning whether he wouldn't have been the better husband. How could he have been if he didn't even have the decency to tell her that he had been leading her on?

He had hoped that she'd be happy, that her marriage was happy or at least content and that she'd be surrounded by children. "Children," he says and shakes his head. "Poor Mary," he mumbles and for the millionth time wishes that his dreams about Cora being Mary's mother were true. Mary was born on March 19th 1891, 14 months after he married Phillipa. What had been a difficult but yet not unbearable marriage until then, had turned into a nightmarishly horrible union the moment that Phillipa had been told the gender of the child.

When he came into her room to see Mary, she said to him "This is your daughter and only yours. I don't want to take care of her, she is just a girl. I hate her." He thought that is was just the stress of the birth and the initial disappointment at having delivered a girl, but Phillipa hasn't changed her mind about Mary in the last two and a half years and he doubts that she ever will.

However it is not true that Mary is only his. If only it was. But Phillipa insists on seeing her every day after tea and she uses the time to tell Mary that she is a 'good-for-nothing daft little devil'. He begs his wife at least once a week to just leave Mary alone but she doesn't. The girl is very unhappy to say the least. And still she makes parts of him incredibly happy.

He loves his daughter with all his heart, he is so very proud of her, he keeps every drawing she gives to him, he treasures every kiss on the cheek. He hopes to give her something of a good life although he feels inadequate. He is not her mother after all. If only Cora was her mother. If only.

He knows Cora is not happy either, her husband is dead and she is alone with a very small son who became a duke the moment he drew his first breath. 'God what a horrible responsibility for Cora and her son,' he thinks and wishes there was something he could do.

"Robert!" his wife screeches again and he knows it is time to go. It is time to leave thoughts of Cora behind, at least for now.

.

.

.

Hepworth House, London – June 1893

.

"Downton, old friend!" He turns around and spots John Foyle, future Lord Gillingham, someone he went to Eton with.

"Hello John," he says. He hates being addressed by part of his title. His name isn't Downton and it will never be Grantham. His name is 'Robert'. And that is what he wants to be called by his family and friends. Everyone else should call him Lord Downton or your lordship.

"Robert, still your old self. I see."

"Of course."

"So marriage hasn't changed you." He doesn't know what to say. His marriage certainly changed his life for the worse. He didn't want to marry Phillipa, he knew he was making a mistake, but he had no idea how grave that mistake would be. Or how horrible and miserable his life would be. If it wasn't for Mary he'd be living with Rosamund, but he is sure that the moment he took his daughter there, her mother would follow.

.

"I don't know if marriage has changed me," he says to John and hopes his old friend won't pry any further.

"Where is the lovely Lady Downton?" He almost chokes on his drink when he hears the words 'lovely' and 'Lady Downton' in the same sentence.

"She is at home. She is not feeling well."

John only nods knowingly, he probably suspects that Phillipa is pregnant, but if she is then the child won't be his. He knows Phillipa has several lovers and he never does his duty with her to know that a child of hers would be no child of his. He almost hopes that one of her lovers has gotten her pregnant, because then he'd have a reason to divorce her. But he doubts she is pregnant, he has a very slight suspicion that she might have had an abortion about half a year after Mary's birth and that may have destroyed any chances of further children. He doesn't really care.

"Finally," John mumbles next to him and he asks "What?" because he has no idea what is going on around him.

"She's here."

"Who is here?"

"The Dowager Duchess of Suffolk. The object of any man's dream."

"Why?" he asks just to not have to look into her direction. She is the object of most of _his_ dreams after all and he is embarrassed about it and actually seeing her again is something he can't fathom. He isn't prepared for it.

"Why is she the object of any man's dreams?" As if he didn't know.

"Because she is American, she is beautiful, her son is a duke, she and the son are as rich as Croesus and her husband is obviously dead. Just look at her Robert for heaven's sake." After such a request he can of course not avoid looking at her, so he lifts his eyes. Unfortunately she looks at him the moment he looks at her and Robert wants to vanish into a hole in the ground. He wants to look away but something in her look makes him stop and stare at her and then her face breaks into the most beautiful smile he has ever seen. He smiles back and hears John mumble something about 'you lucky bastard'. Cora has now turned to a friend and points over to him and then she walks towards him and he wants to run away and towards her at the same time.

"Lord Downton," she says as soon as she has reached him. "What a pleasant surprise."

"Duchess," is all he is capable of saying and then John coughs next to him and he remembers his manners. He makes the necessary introductions but hopes for John to leave as soon as possible. Which of course he doesn't. In fact he tries to charm Cora in every way possible and he can't think of anything to say to make her return her attention to him. Just when he is about to give up and turn away, a booming voice announces

"Dinner," and they walk into the dining room, where to his utter surprise, horror and joy he is placed next to Cpra.

"This is a lovely surprise Lord Downton," she says and smiles. Her eyes are sparkling more brilliantly than the diamonds in her hair and around her neck and he is thoroughly taken in.

"Yes," is all he manages to say.

"How is Lady Downton?" Cora asks and he wonders if he heard a slight note of condescendence in her voice.

"She is sick. How is the duke?"

"If you mean my husband, he is dead. If you mean my son, he is thriving." Of course he meant her husband but he can't say that now. She would be hurt and he can't be sure that she didn't love her husband.

"I meant your son. But I am sorry about your husband."

"It is more than a year in the past. My son is almost ten months old."

"So he was born after your husband's death?" What a stupid and unfeeling question.

"Yes," Cora says and looks into one of the hundred candles on the table. She then slightly shakes her head and says "But as I said, he is doing very well. I think he may start to walk soon."

"At ten months? That would be very early, wouldn't it?"

"Yes, I think so. But he was able to crawl at six months." It is obvious that Cora is very proud of her son, so much prouder than Phillipa is of Mary.

"Mary, my daughter, she learnt how to crawl at nine months. But she could walk when she was 13 months."

"How is she doing now?" Cora asks with a lot more interest in her voice than Phillipa has ever displayed. And he can't help himself, he starts to talk about Mary and Cora listens and comments and compares Mary to her son who seems to be named Sam and before he notices how much time has passed, they have to turn. Never in his life has he hated that stupid turning rule more than in this moment and he thanks god when he is allowed to talk to Cora again during desert.

He curses the separation and hates the brandy and the cigar he is forced to consume with the other men. All he wants to do is join the ladies and talk to Cora again because he feels an urgent need to apologize to her.

He doesn't dare to dance the first dance with her, John and Marmaduke already made inappropriate jokes about his obvious preference for Cora during dinner and while he absolutely trusts Marmaduke, he does not trust John.

"Dance with Rosamund first," Marmaduke says to him after the first dance and he nods and then asks his sister for a dance.

"Does Marmaduke need a drink?" Rosamund asks instead of giving him an answer and he doesn't know whether to be offended or to laugh. But the music starts at that moment and Rosamund puts her arms around him and they dance. As is her custom, Rosamund makes crude jokes about the other guests while they are dancing and as usual it makes him laugh, even if his laughter is a little restrained. And it calms his nerves before asking Cora to dance. She accepts and smiles at him the way she smiled at her other two partners but her expression changes as soon as he has put his arm around her. The smile on her face becomes softer and more lovingly but there is also sadness in her eyes.

"We haven't danced together in four years," she says and he chuckles a very dry chuckle.

"No," he says and feels his knees begin to shake.

"I wish that were different," she whispers and he can see the question in her eyes.

"God, Cora," he says. "I am so sorry. So very sorry." She nods and closes her eyes for a second and so does he and he feels the room begin to spin and when he opens his eyes again he can't focus them on anything, the candles are flickering, the diamonds in the ladies' hair are shining and throwing rays of light everywhere and Cora is in his arms, holding onto him and the look on her face quite plainly says that she is very sorry too.

"I wish," he says but then the music stops and so does the magic of the moment.

"Let's go outside," Cora says. "No one will notice."

And so he follows her, past the candles and the chandeliers through the French doors into a magnificent back yard.

"It is hard to believe we are in the middle of London," Cora remarks and he nods. "The garden at Suffolk House is not nearly as nice. Maybe I should have it redone."

"Do you stay there often?"

"During the season. The estate is too far away to always travel back and forth. But I like London. It reminds me of New York. It reminds me of home."

"So you still don't feel at home in England?"

"Not on the estate. It is a beautiful castle but also a very drafty one that is impossible to heat up. There is no central heating. The duke always insisted we only heat the rooms we actually used so it was always cold everywhere because it is impossible to just heat one room. The cold from the other rooms will seep through. I spent many nights in the drawing room before the Duke died because it is in between the library and the dining room and those rooms were heated as well." He feels sorry for her and can't help imagine her asleep in the drawing room at Downton. If he found her there he'd cradle her in his arms and carry her to her bed in a room that was just as warm as she wanted it to be. And if it wasn't warm enough he'd slip under the covers with her and warm her up. 'Stop' he tells himself. He cannot allow his thoughts to go down that line. He just can't do it.

"And now?" he asks and she laughs.

"I had the nursery put up in the duke's old dressing room and all the rooms in the family wing were heated last winter. It was much better that way although I am sure that the duke was turning in his grave. But I just don't share the English hatred of comfort."

He has to laugh out loud, freely and unrestrained, for the first time in years. He thinks that it is quite possible that the last person who made him laugh like this was she, shortly before he severed ties with her to marry someone else.

"I am sorry. So sorry."

"You said so," she says and he studies her face. It is surrounded by hair styled to perfection with just one lose curl hanging down. Her eyebrows are now slightly raised, making her look quizzical, her nose is slightly wrinkled which he knows is a trademark of her, just as the slightly raised and put forward chin. Her lips are red and they form a smile that appears just as quizzical as her eyebrows. But what strikes him most are her light blue eyes. Even though she seems to doubt him right now, looking into her eyes engulfs him with warmth that must be quite like central heating and he thinks that he can look into her soul right now. It may be scratched in a few places, maybe even bruised but he is sure that she is still the same woman she once was. Outspoken, distinctly American but not as ostentatious as her mother, soft in her ways, intelligent and very loving.

"I said sorry and I meant it. Cora, I owe you an apology."

"That you do," she says without preamble and he admires her for it. Any English woman would have denied this, glossed it all over and probably never talked to him again properly. But he has an inkling that if he apologized to Cora she would actually talk to him again and he feels a strong pull towards her.

"I know you were expecting me to propose and I should at least have had the courage to tell you in person that I would marry someone else."

"That would, as you English like to say, have been the gentlemanly way."

"And would you have accepted it with as much as grace as you could have mustered?" Cora doesn't answer right away but stares into his eyes as if she was searching for something. She must find it because her expression turns from slightly annoyed and quizzical to soft and lovingly. Maybe she saw that he is much more battered and bruised than she is. But it is what he deserves.

"No. I don't think I would have accepted it just like that. I'd have begged you not to do it, I'd have told you that I was falling in love with you, I'd have told you that were you to propose to me I'd say yes and that I thought that we could make each other very happy. I'd have let the American out, appeared very foolish in your eyes and thereby strengthened your belief that an English woman was the much better choice."

He is not sure whether the last sentence was said in jest or not but what he is sure about is that had Cora said all those things to him, he'd have kneeled down right there and then, without a ring, proposed to her and promised her the world.

"I wish I had come to you," he says and only realizes then that his voice is thick with tears.

She moves closer to him, so close that he wouldn't even have to move forward to kiss her. He feels her hand on his face, caressing it ever so lightly, a touch that makes him shiver and he believes will mark him forever.

"You would have proposed to me then, wouldn't you?"

"I think so," he says and feels more regret in this one moment than he has ever felt before. It settles on his shoulders and heart with the weight of a thousand bricks. It suffocates him. Not his body but his soul.

"Don't feel guilty Robert. We were too young. Both of us. I could have spoken up before. When you kissed me, I should have spoken up. But I didn't because I had been told that English women did not speak their minds. We were influenced by our parents. Both of us." He nods because she is right. It makes the weight on his shoulders and heart a little lighter. And then he can't stop himself.

"May I kiss you again?"

Cora only nods and then he kisses her and it feels heavenly. Her lips are so soft and they fit his perfectly, she fits into his arms perfectly, they are perfect together. For this one moment.

It is Cora who breaks their kiss and as soon as she has done it she steps away from him and smiles.

"Thank you," he says. "For giving me a little of something that would have made me very happy."

"It would have made both of us happy," Cora replies and smiles a smile he does not deserve.

"Which makes it all the more regrettable that we will never have it."

Cora looks at him for a second, the lose strand of her hair moving in the wind, her head slightly leaning to the left. She then touches his right arm with her left hand and says

"Never, Robert, say never."

She turns around then and walks back inside and he is mesmerized by her retreating figure and her dress moving in time with her steps.

* * *

AN: Thank you all for reading! And thank you all soooo much for reviewing! I haven't been able to answer all reviews personally this time around because real life has been very busy for me, but I'll try to get around it. I'll definitely answer reviews on this chapter, as there is a weekend coming up.

I hope that you liked this chapter and that it wasn't too confused. Many of you said that they like that there is a bit of the background story and we will see a bit more of that.

So anyway, please let me know what you think of this chapter. Reviews are what keeps me writing :)

Kat


	5. Chapter 5

Cora

Brancaster Castle – August 1893

.

Another wedding she has been invited to, another place she has to spend at least one night, another night away from Sam. She wonders which second son will now be pushed towards her. It is always the second or third and in one case fourth son that is now sent on the hunt for her. She would turn those sons into the stepfather of a duke, the husband of a Dowager Duchess, to all intents and purposes the owner of a huge house and estate. Her parents have started to gently nag her as well, not because they want her married again but because they are worried for their grandson who in their words 'needs someone to teach him how to be a duke' and she agrees with them. But she does not want to get married again. She can't. She won't marry without love again and the man she loves is married to another woman.

She realized she was still in love with Robert when she saw him at Hepworth House during the season. She thought she was over him, but she wasn't, she realized that the moment she couldn't stop herself from smiling when she saw him. His ready admittance to having made a mistake, to regretting that mistake, his worry for his little daughter made her love him even more. After their meeting at Hepworth House they saw each other a few more times and although they were both aware that is was very dangerous, they still danced together at every party they met. Once they even met in the park, Robert was accompanied by Mary and her nanny, she was fittingly accompanied by Sam and his nanny and they talked for a few moments. Only about trifles, they were within ear shot of the nannies after all but there had been a desire to kiss and to touch that could not be denied. How she wishes she had just spoken up when she had the chance.

During dinner the day before the wedding she is placed between the second son of someone and to her utter surprise and joy, Robert. This time, Robert is the second person she talks to and they don't interrupt their conversation before the separation. They briefly talk again in the drawing room afterwards although again they can't be too obvious.

Robert's wife is here after all as well, although they haven't exchanged a word all day. They literally ignored each other. Robert's wife plays the role of Lady Downton perfectly without a fault but she really only plays a role and being the wife of Lord Downton does not seem to be part of that. And while Robert certainly does not play the role Lord Downton, his understanding of _being_ Lord Downton does not seem to include being Lady Downton's husband.

She feels sorry for him, very sorry because she wishes he was happy. But there is also a part inside of her that sees a positive side to Robert being so estranged from his wife and that part is right inside her heart. 'Desperate times call for desperate measures,' she says to herself, steals into the library and grabs a pen and a piece of paper.

.

Robert

Brancaster Castle – August 1893

.

When Cora walks past him after having said her 'good nights', she presses something into his hand which he successfully transfers to his pocket without looking at it and apparently without having caused any suspicion.

He doesn't look at the note before he is alone in his room and what he finds is a drawing of the upper floor that indicates Cora's room. There is no explanation but he doesn't need one. He wants to hurry Carson but knows better than to rush his valet, even one as trusted and trustworthy as Carson.

When his valet is finally gone it costs Robert all he has got not to run down the hall but he keeps himself in check. No matter how little Phillipa tries to hide her many lovers and affairs, he does not want to go the same way.

When he knocks on Cora's door he briefly considers that it might just be a joke devised by his wife, but when Cora carefully opens the door and then lets him into her room he knows that this is anything but a joke.

"I am glad you were not offended."

"No," he says and smiles. She indicates a chair to him and he sits down. She remains standing, holding on to one of her bed posts. Even in these surreal surroundings it feels wrong to him to be sitting while a lady is standing in his presence. Cora does not say anything for a few moments and he asks

"Cora, why am I here?"

"Because you came here."

"Because you asked me to come. Why?" He thought that she wanted to sleep with him, it had been so clear to him, but Cora's reluctance to speak, her holding on to the bed post like a little girl holding on to a teddy bear, her braid falling down the front of her right shoulder and her innocently white and wide nightdress half hidden by a bath robe indicate otherwise. The look on her face is undecided at best. She is biting her lower lip and her eyes are as wide as those of a doe. If she really did ask him here to sleep with him then she is not making a food start of it. He cannot make someone who looks so lovely, so innocent his mistress. Not even for one night. He cannot ruin someone so pure.

Because she still doesn't say anything, he asks her again. "Cora, why did you ask me here?"

She now lets go of the bed post and walks over to her vanity. She takes a picture into her hands and gives it to him.

"I take this picture whenever I stay somewhere from home for a night or longer. It is my son, Sam."

He looks at the black and white picture of a cute little boy. He is sitting on the floor, wearing a sailor's uniform, a teddy bear lying next to him.

"He is a lovely boy," he says because he does not know what else to say.

"His birth was difficult." He doesn't know what to say to this either. So he just looks at her. Her eyes are shining now, her cheeks have gone slightly read but she has put her chin forward again, which gives her quite a determined look and takes most of the innocence on her face away.

"A lot of damage was done. I will never be able to have another child."

He nods and feels sorry for her and wonders why she tells him this.

"But that might be a blessing in disguise," she goes on, takes his hand and pulls him to his feet.

"What?" he asks, completely bedazzled by how close she is suddenly standing to him.

"We wouldn't have to worry Robert."

"Worry about what?" he asks but before she answers he realizes what she has just said. And as much as he wanted this to happen only fifteen minutes ago, he now wants to stop it.

"Cora, I can't."

"Why?" she asks and the fact that she steps away from him immediately, that she does not try to seduce him when he does not want to be seduced makes desire for her wash over him. She wants him but does not insist on it. And he wants her too. If only he wasn't married, if only this wouldn't turn her into his mistress.

"Because I am a married man." She nods and smiles a sad smile.

"Do you love your wife?" she asks and there is so much honesty in her voice that he is sure that she really wonders about this. Although after she has had time to observer Phillipa and him the while day she should know the answer.

"No. I hate her. I am repulsed by her. But I am a gentleman, Cora. I shouldn't do this with anyone else."

Cora nods and turns away but then she focusses her attention on him again.

"Do you do it with her?" There is so much curiosity in that question that it makes him laugh.

"No. No. I have to be sure that I won't have to accept a bastard as heir and of course I can only do that by not doing my duty."

It makes Cora chuckle and he chuckles with her. This all so absurd. If he hadn't been so stupid, he wouldn't have had to sneak into her room tonight, he could have walked in there and be seen by anyone. And instead of contemplating a night with a woman he isn't married to, he'd have already kissed Cora senseless and called her his darling wife.

"Are you living like a monk then?"

"Mostly," he says. Sometimes, after dreaming of her, he just can't help taking matters into his own hands and he very much doubts that monks are allowed to do that.

"Mostly," she repeats and laughs. She has obviously understood and isn't put off by it. Still he can feel himself go as red as a tomato and his desire for her becomes even greater.

"Cora, I cannot do this," he repeats. "However much I might want to." She smiles and nods and then he realizes that this last admission has set something free in him, and without realizing what he is doing, he reaches out for her, grabs her at her waist, pulls her towards him and kisses her. She seems surprised but pleased and mumbles something about him not knowing his own mind. He doesn't care, all he cares about is that she is in his arms and that finally he can make parts of his dream come true. Before he completely loses the ability to think, he tells himself that this must be the only time that he ever does this and then lets feelings and instinct guide him, something he has never been able to do until tonight.

.

"Robert?" He hears her gentle voice and feels her gentle touch in his hair and he knows that this must end. But it had felt so good. So right. For the first time in his life he had felt that what he was doing was something akin to making love. And then he had dozed off with Cora in his arms and it still feels so comfortable.

"Robert, you must wake up. You have to return to your room. It is 4:30 and the servants will begin to work soon."

She is right of course and he must not be seen. So he presses one last kiss on her forehead, leaves the bed and gets dressed. To his surprise she has gotten up too and covered herself in her bathrobe. He can't help but to walk over to her and caress her lovely face again.

"This was wonderful," he says. "I will never forget it."

"No," Cora replies and even in that one word he can detect her wonderful American accent. "I don't think either one of us will forget it."

"I am sorry Cora, that it can't always be like this."

"Not always, but sometimes surely."

He has no idea what she means. He wonders if she is suggesting for them to spend the occasional night together when they meet at house parties. He is sure that Cora can get herself invite to any house party she wants to attend. But that would be highly dangerous and in his eyes not worth it.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"We will see each other again, won't we?" And in that one question, in the look on her face he finds all her insecurities. About having done the right thing. About continuing this somehow. About having been the one to initiate this. About raising her son. About living in England. And he wants to take those insecurities from her. But he can't.

"Are you suggesting we should have an affair?" he asks lightly and jokingly because the last memory he wants of her in this bedroom is her laughing. Or at least smiling. But she doesn't laugh or smile. She looks straight into his eyes and says

"That is what I am suggesting, yes. I am sure we'll find a way. I have already thought about it." And then she begins to explain about a small secluded cottage on her son's estate, about how they should both be able to go there once a week for two or three days, about how they have to switch the days of the week according to an irregular pattern so it won't be suspicious, about the two servants from America she trusts so implicitly that she is willing to involve their help.

He wonders for how long she has thought about this. It sounds wonderful. Certainly not easy, but something they could try. But he can't. He can't do it to her, no matter how appealing it all sounds.

"Cora, if we did that, I'd be making you my mistress and I can't do that. I cannot ask you to be my mistress." She looks at him with a determined look on her face that she didn't display the night before.

"You are right of course. You are a Viscount, you will be an Earl one day. You can have as many mistresses as you like as long as they aren't members of your social sphere. You cannot ask a Duchess, not even if she is Dowager, to become your mistress. But I am offering to be your mistress and that is the difference. I want to be your mistress and it is your decision to make me just that."

* * *

AN: First of all thank you for all the reviews, especially to the guests who write reviews because I can't send a pm to you :)

I hope this chapter is good, but I am not sure. I tried to stay in character and I think that Robert would not necessarily have felt that having a mistress was wrong. But he is a gentleman through and through and he thus probably would have felt that 'degrading' someone from his social sphere to being his mistress.

I think that had Julian Fellowes not opted for a happy marriage for Robert and Cora he would probably have written in a few mistresses and lovers because that would not have been uncommon. In fact, the way I understand it, many of the buccaneers who married into the English aristocracy were unhappy in their marriages and in England. Upper class houses in NYC or anywhere else were much better isolated at that time already and had central heating so that the English country houses seemed very drafty to Americans (which I suppose they were and probably still are).

Anyway, please let me know what you think about this chapter.

Have a great week,

Kat


	6. Chapter 6

AN: This is a long chapter that covers several months. I always wrote the dates above the individual parts.

More at the bottom.

* * *

Robert

The Suffolk Estate, Derbyshire – September 1893

He can't believe that he is really doing this. He got off the train in Shirebrook and started to walk. Cora's description was apt and it really isn't possible to miss the Suffolk Estate. He is however not so sure about finding the cottage Cora described to him and he can't very well ask for the secluded cottage the Dowager Duchess is using to meet her lover. Because that is what is going to happen, that is why he is here. It is against all his morals, against everything that he has ever been taught, but when Cora almost begged him to make her his mistress, he couldn't say no. Not even to her. Especially not to her.

So here he is like some common john going to see his -.

'Stop it,' he tells himself. It is nothing like that. Not with them. He doesn't know what it is, he isn't sure whether it is love, but it is a mutual attraction. And Cora does not need his money, he isn't 'keeping' her as his mistress, not in a monetary way. He isn't sure that anyone would ever be able to 'keep' Cora. She is too self-confident and daring for that.

"Robert," he hears Cora say in her unmistakable American accent and then he sees her. She is wearing a very simple blue and white dress that nevertheless suits her very well. Her hair is done up but not too intricately and he thinks that who he sees here is the real Cora. Not bedecked in jewels in a dress more expensive than some peoples' entire wardrobe. She looks rather more like an upper-middle class woman who knows what she wants. He chuckles when he remembers that his parents' greatest objection to her had always been the fact that her parents until about ten years ago were upper-middle class people.

"Cora," he says and smiles. She motions for him to follow and three minutes later they are in front of a small but comfortable looking cottage. He is sure that nobody knows that it is there, it is one of those forgotten places that exist on large estates. Maybe a gardener lived here once, a hundred years ago.

She leads him through the house which consists of two stories with three rooms each. It is cozy and comfortable. The furniture are new and although they can't have been cheap, they don't look ostentatious.

"John and Sully are staying the in the little house out there," she says and points to a much smaller cottage adjourning the one they are in at the moment. "They can't return to the house of course. Sully is a very good cook although she has kept that particular talent hidden from the servants here. So we don't have to worry about food."

He marvels at the prodigious care she has taken concerning this. His face must have given his thoughts away because as if she could read his mind, she turns to him and says "I want this to last Robert. That is why I put in so much effort."

She then offers him sandwiches and something to drink and tells him exactly why the two servants who know about this won't say anything and why none of the other servants will become suspicious. He takes it all in without really understanding but he finds that he doesn't care. Maybe because he thinks that this cannot last, maybe because he trusts her to take care of such things that he does not need her reassurances.

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about trifles and when it is time for dinner they don't change. During dinner they talk about their children and their worries for them and he feels great sense of relief when he realizes that Cora understands his worries about Mary.

"She is two and a half years old. She won't speak, not to anyone besides me. I know she isn't mute but that is what she seems like. Of course it isn't a problem now but it could be eventually."

"You are afraid that people will think that she is retarded."

"Yes. But she is in fact very intelligent. She just is too shy. It is her mother's fault of course."

Cora looks at him questioningly but does not say anything and so he continues and pours his heart out to her. She listens and tries to console him and it makes his burden all the more lighter. There is someone besides his parents and sister who believes him, who maybe even cares. It makes him very thankful to Cora.

They continue to talk after dinner and suddenly they are sitting on a sofa in Cora's makeshift drawing room, their hands touching. He feels Cora's thumb gently massage the back of his hand and it releases tension he didn't even know were there.

"Robert," she says and he looks at her. Her simple hair style, the dress that looks as if it had been made only for her. Her eyes are looking at him pleadingly, her mouth is half open and she seems to come closer to him with every breath he takes. His lips touch hers and suddenly he can't remember how they got there, he can't remember who started it but it feels so good and that is why he is here after all. For Cora and him to satisfy their needs.

They end up in Cora's bedroom and being with her feels so very good and so very satisfying and it is so easy, it all feels so natural. They fit together perfectly and it is as if they had been made for each other.

"I wish you were my wife," he whispers into her hair when he holds her close to him. The feeling of her skin on his makes him feel at home and he wishes he would never have to let go off her again.

"Robert," she sighs and rakes his chest. "It is not just your fault. We are both at fault and at the moment there is nothing we can do. So we shouldn't beat ourselves up with it. Let's just enjoy being together the way we can."

He kisses her in affirmation and doesn't say anything. But he decides to try and get a divorce. He has no idea how to go on about that but he has to try. He wants Cora as his wife, he wants to rectify the gravest mistake of his life.

.

.

.

Cora

The Suffolk Estate, Derbyshire - November 1893

She is bursting with anticipation. She hasn't seen Robert for three weeks and she missed him so very much. She doesn't really know why he didn't come, he only sent her two very short telegrams. She understands that he has to be careful. She supposes that it was either a problem with the estate or that something was wrong with Mary. Robert worries about his little girl so much that it breaks her heart. She wishes she could meet Mary, she wishes she could talk to the girl and tell her that she is intelligent and lovely looking and that she will be a fine lady one day. Because those are all things that Mary's mother does not tell the girl. According to Robert, Mary has known nothing but ill-treatment at her mother's hands and Cora would like to change that so very much. But there is no way she can meet Mary, let alone talk to her.

She waits for Robert in front of their cottage and when she sees him trotting up the hardly recognizable path to the house, she knows that it must have been Mary. Robert's shoulders are slumped and he looks so very tired. He looks as if he had aged ten years. So instead of a passionate kiss on the lips she only gives him a peck on the cheek and leads him inside.

"Mary had the measles," Robert says without preamble and sits down on her sofa, completely disregarding all forms of etiquette. She sits down next to him and takes his hand.

"How is Mary doing now?"

"She is better. She is very tough. She had such a high fever but she made it through perfectly. God, Cora, if she had died, I wouldn't have known how to go on." That is a sentiment she understands. Without Sam her life would have no purpose and she would probably return to New York if she lost him. She would be in New York if he was a girl.

She tells Robert so and he squeezes her hand. He seems so very tired that she suggests he lie down and for the following one and a half days they do nothing but rest and eat and talk. It is the first time that have met without making love but somehow that would have felt wrong and their relationship goes deeper than that.

These secret meetings are not just about sex, at least not for her. They are about spending time with Robert. She wishes it were easier, she wishes she didn't always have to leave Sam to meet Robert but there is nothing she can do, it is what it is. And Sam is very well cared for by his nanny.

"I am sorry I was such a disappointment," Robert says when he is about to leave but she shakes her head and puts her hand on Robert's arm.

"You weren't a disappointment. Sometimes we need rest and someone to talk to and I am glad that you chose me to be the person you talk to. I really am, darling." She realizes what she has said only when Robert looks at her confusedly and she regrets it. She knows she has gone too far, far too far. She wants to apologize but Robert presses a kiss to her forehead and says "I'll see you soon," before he leaves without turning around.

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Robert

The Suffolk Estate – January 1894

.

He is glad that Christmas and the New Year festivities are finally over. Phillipa was on form from the first to the last day, which meant a lot of yelling at Mary and a lot of silent tears from Mary. Christmas Eve had been the worst. Mary had, as all children are, been excited about Christmas and unable to go to sleep. And just as Rosamund and he did when they were small, she stole back into the entrance hall to see the festivities the tenants had been invited to. He remembers how Rosamund and he had enjoyed running back and forth between the tenants, how they had not cared about wearing their night clothes, how it had all been fun. But as soon as Phillipa had spotted Mary, she had grabbed her, hit her across the face, yelled at her and told her that Father Christmas would not leave any presents for her. Luckily, his parents, Carson and the new head housemaid Elsie had all heard and by morning the next day, a Christmas tree had been placed in his mother's private sitting room, decorated with old-fashioned ornaments. All of Mary's presents had been placed beneath it and they told Mary that Father Christmas had been in a hurry and that the tree in her grandmother's room had been much faster to reach. Mary had believed that story and because she never speaks to her mother, she had of course not mentioned anything to her mother. Mary implicitly understood that her new toys would have to stay in her grandmother's room for a while and not asked for them when she was alone with him later that day. It had broken his heart.

He hadn't been able to see Cora during the holidays and he had missed her terribly much. He hadn't been able to help imagine Cora at his side instead of Phillipa and the happy Christmas Mary would have had then.

He feels a sense of homecoming when he finally reaches Cora's cottage and lets himself in. He is met by the smell of roasted chestnuts and freshly cut tree. Cora had told him that she wanted to have a belated Christmas celebration and he agreed. He has a small present for her, a book, and he supposes that she does not have anything special for him either because how could she give him something special if he had to hide it forever?

He enjoys dinner that night, Cora had his favorite meal prepared for them and when he unwraps his present he finds a beautiful pocket watch. The letters engraved on the back are 'RC', intricately interwoven and when he looks at Cora she smiles. "Just say it means Robert Crawley." It makes him laugh out loud and kiss her and swing her around.

.

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Patrick

Outside a secluded cottage on the Suffolk Estate - January 1894

.

He watches through the window, watches Robert lift up the duchess and swing her around, watches the smile in his son's face. It breaks his heart that he has to destroy this happiness but he does not have another change.

Violet and he talked it over, if it had just been a regular mistress he would have talked to Robert, told him how important it was that the scandal did not get out but otherwise ignored the whole thing. Most men of their station have a mistress. The only reason he doesn't have a mistress himself is that Violet became his best friend the day she told him she was pregnant for the first time. The thought of being a father had brought him so much joy that he just couldn't help being nice to Violet and worrying over the same children brought them much closer than they were before. There is no romantic love between them but there is friendship and trust and even if that has been broken a few times their marriage is still essentially a happy marriage.

Robert's marriage of course is a different matter. There is no love, no friendship and while Robert worries very much about his little daughter, Phillipa does not worry about her, all she worries about is that Mary is 'put in her place as a freak'. So Robert taking a mistress would be quite understandable. But Robert having an affair with a duchess, even if she is a dowager is not acceptable and he needs to stop this.

So he purposefully walks towards the house and just opens the door. The interior looks like an upper middleclass home to him and he can't help smiling at this. This is not a dingy den, the duchess either has quite a lot of lovers or both she and Robert think of this as a long term arrangement.

He walks towards the drawing room which seems to also be the library and watches his son and the duchess for another moment.

"Robert, this is a lovely Christmas, even if belated." An American. Robert is not only having an affair with a duchess, he is having an affair with an American duchess.

"Yes," his son replies. "I just wish I had been able to give Mary a nice Christmas."

"Robert, you did. From what you have told me you did your best."

"But it isn't enough," Robert says and the duchess now moves closer to him and takes his hand.

"Robert, Mary knows you love her. I am certain of it."

It breaks his heart that he has to put an end to this. The duchess seems to be good for Robert, she seems to listen to him and to understand him but this is unacceptable. And so he coughs. Twice.

Robert turns around and when he sees who is there, all the color leaves his face.

"Papa," he says and nothing else.

The duchess turns around then too and for the first time Patrick is able to see her face and his heart drops to his knees. He should have known. He should have recognized her accent. This isn't some woman that Robert met at a ball or house party, this is Miss Cora Levinson, the woman his son begged him to be allowed to marry. All he can do is stare at her and she is much faster than him at finding her composure and thereby her manners.

"Lord Grantham," she says. "How nice to see you again." It makes him laugh. As if the duchess was happy to see him now.

"Duchess," he says and them "Robert". He feels like fool, such a fool and much worse than that he feels like a horrible father. Robert begged him to be allowed to propose to that American girl and he should have understood what it meant. He should have taken his role as Robert's father more seriously. He should have looked behind Robert's stoic face, he should have let Violet talk to their son. He is almost sure that Violet had been close to telling Robert that it was his decision but he shook his head when she was about to enter the room on that fateful day in 1889.

"Your mother asked me to follow you," he says stupidly. This whole thing is stupid, he is stupid. He should never have walked into this house. It is entirely Robert's business whether and with whom he has an affair, as long as he does not cause a scandal. And he very much doubts that the duchess will let it come to that.

"Did she?" Robert asks and out of the corner of his eye he can see Cora retreating. She isn't fighting, she does not throw him off what is essentially her property. No. She leaves them alone, she gives them the space she knows they need and he wishes that this young sensible woman was his daughter-in-law. And it is entirely his fault, entirely his fault that Robert is unhappy, that his wife makes him unhappy when he could have had a wife who would have made him blissfully happy.

"Yes."

"Papa, I won't do it," Robert says and he looks very determined, his brows are knitted together, his hands are balled into fists and he is standing up straight the way his mother always wants him to do.

"You won't do what?"

"Leave her. End this. I won't. I can't. I should have married her when I had the chance but I let myself be overruled by Mama and you. But not this time. I am not letting her go. The only way I will ever end this is if she tells me she wants to end it but I doubt very much that she wants to end it. Not anytime soon." He shakes his head.

"Robert, there aren't many things I regret. I don't think that I have always paid enough attention to your mother, I regret that and I regret not spending more time with Rosamund and you when you were very small. You should hear the stories your mother tells about the two of you. But what I regret most is that I did not let you chose your wife yourself. You had the much better instinct. I don't think I would have had to go after you to make sure that you weren't on the brink of creating a scandal if you had married the right woman."

"What do you mean?" The total confusion on Robert's face almost makes him laugh and only because keeping himself under control has been engrained to him since the day of his birth is he able to keep the laughter at bay.

"Your mother and I have suspected that you have a mistress somewhere for quite some time. We decided I should go after to you to find out with whom and whether there was bound to be scandal. But I doubt there is, the duchess will want to keep this just as quiet as us. So I will return, tell your mother that we were right and that there is nothing to worry about."

"What?" Robert asks, the confusion on his face having become even more.

"I won't tell your mother whom you are having an affair with, she would want you to end it then. But having a mistress is not unusual among our kind of people and it is our fault that you are among the many who do."

He won't tell Violet that Robert is having an affair with a dowager duchess, she would see red. But he really believes that maybe this is the safest option. The dowager duchess is rich, her son is a duke, she doesn't need any money and so she won't try to blackmail Robert. As for someone else finding out, he doubts that anyone would care enough to take the trouble of following Robert. He took trains into the wrong direction twice, clearly on purpose, and this house is very secluded. There is of course the problem of the season but he just has to believe that both his son and the duchess are smart enough to hide their affair.

"So you will just leave now?" Robert asks, incredulity written all over his face.

"Yes. I will pretend that I was never here. Please give my regards to the duchess." And then he really leaves. He walks to the train station through the woods, gets on the next train and eventually finds himself in London. Without realizing what he is doing or where he is going he suddenly finds himself in front of Violet's favorite jeweller's shop. He goes inside and buys her the necklace she has been talking about for weeks. He won't give it to her today or tomorrow, she will just think that he was trying to distract her but next week. Not to distract her but as a thank you for making their marriage so much better than their son's.

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Robert

The Suffolk Estate – January 1894

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"So your father really just left. Can we trust him?"

"Certainly," he says. He is certain of it. His father won't tell a soul. He knows his father is ashamed of having forced him into a horrible marriage but he knows why his father did it.

"Cora, my father and probably my mother too are very ashamed of having made me marry that horrible woman. They did it because they thought that it did not matter that I did not like her. They weren't particularly fond of each other when they got married. But they made it work, they are content and have been so as long as I can remember. I once asked my father when he felt that he could live with Mama and he replied that as soon as she told him that she was pregnant for the first time he began to see her differently. They were to be parents of the same children. I hoped that would happen with Phillipa but it didn't. She and I are not compatible." Cora chuckles at that and he looks into her eyes that harbor both joy and sadness.

"The duke once said the same about him and me. That we were not compatible. At that point it hurt very much, it was he after all who proposed to me but I think that he was right. We would never have been happy."

He feels so very sorry for Cora, so much more than he feels sorry for himself. He could have saved them from this, he could have just made her his wife, they would be happy now, surrounded by at least two children and probably hoping for a third one. He brushes the knuckles of his right hand across Cora's left cheek and says

"I am so sorry you are unhappy. I wish I could turn back time." Cora gives a smile at this and takes his hand in both of hers.

"I wish that too but Robert you cannot turn back time and neither can I. But I am not unhappy. I've got Sam and you."

"It is because of me you have to go through this. If I had been courageous and smart enough to just propose to you wouldn't have to have this affair, you wouldn't have to be somebody's mistress."

"Robert," Cora says and looks deeply into his eyes, "I don't mind going through this because I want to go through this. I love you." The moment she has said it he realizes that the feeling is mutual and he whispers "I love you too". He is not sure whether this makes it better or worse but for one fleeting moment, when Cora's lips touch his, he is happy. Very, very happy. And then he remembers the words of his lawyer. 'I am sorry Lord Downton, but there it is not possible for you to divorce your wife. Or for her to divorce you. Not even with a private bill in parliament.

* * *

AN: So this chapter was meant to give an insight into what their affair was like.

I hope it isn't too long or too jumpy and that you liked Robert's father finding out and changing his mind about telling Robert to end it once he realized who Robert was having an affair with :)

There will be a little more of Patrick/Violet in the coming chapters, I hope you don't mind.

Thank you so much for all the lovely and kind reviews on the last chapter! I am overwhelmed by that fact that so many people like this story so very much! Thank you also to the guests who reviewed. I can't thank you personally via pm but at least I can do it here :)

Anyway, I hope you are all having a great week and if you don't, the weekend is just around the corner.

Kat


	7. Chapter 7

Patrick

The Suffolk Estate – January 1901

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"The Earl of Grantham is here to see you, your grace," he hears himself being announced and although he can't see it, he can very well imagine the look on the duchess' face.

"The Earl of Grantham?" the duchess asks and he hears that her voice is slightly shaky. She is probably expecting the worst.

"Yes, your grace."

"Thank you, William," the duchess says and then he is let into the room. He sees that the duchess is trying to remain calm but she is not very good at it. Just Violet told him 12 years ago, this American isnot very good at hiding her feelings.

"Duchess," he says and she replies "Welcome to Woodland Castle, Lord Grantham".

He is very aware of the two servants present in the room and says "I am here on a business matter," which he hopes she understands.

"Yes, of course," she replies, nods at one of the servants and both of them leave.

He then gets a letter out of the inside pocket of his jacket and hands it to her.

"This is for you," he simply says and she nods. "He sent it to me, asking me to pass it on if I could. This was the only way I thought possible."

"I thought you came to tell me that he is," but then she stops speaking and stares at the letter.

"No," he says reassuringly. He suddenly feels an urge to pat her hand. He likes this woman very much and he would love her if she was his daughter-in-law. "He is doing as well as possible in his circumstances," he says and the duchess nods, still staring at the letter. It is quite heavy and he had some difficulties smuggling it away from Violet. If she had found out that Robert's mistress was a duchess and that he has known about it for years, she'd have tried to murder both of them. She'd probably have gone all the way to South Africa and taken him with her as a punishment.

"Would you like some tea?" the duchess asks and he knows he has to say yes. He feels uncomfortable talking to his son's mistress, a woman who would have married his son if there hadn't been any parental interventions.

"What did you mean when you said his circumstances?" the duchess asks after she has ordered tea for them.

"That he was injured. Not life-threatingly so but enough to be sent home." The duchess nods and he sees a flicker of hope on her face and her eyes light up just a small bit. But it is enough to let the color shift from dull grey to light blue.

"But you won't be able to see him for quite some time I am afraid. He will have to rest and recuperate and Mary," here he has to cut himself off. He has no idea how much the duchess knows about Mary. He is sure that she knows about her existence but he supposes that Robert and the duchess don't talk a lot when they meet.

"How is Mary?" the duchess then asks with so much concern in her voice that he is sure that Robert must have talked about her.

"She is coping. Not very well because it is very difficult for her but it'll soon be over."

"Coping?" the duchess asks and then he can't stop himself anymore. He doesn't know why but he trusts this woman.

"She stopped speaking about a year ago. She used to speak to Lady Grantham and me and to Lady Rosamund but she stopped. She is terribly afraid of everything. Lady Grantham and I are doing our best but it isn't enough. We are not her parents."

"It must be very hard for you," the duchess says and he nods. He wishes he hadn't told her, it is none of her business.

"Lord Grantham," the duchess then continues. "I know it is not my business but do you have a stuffed bear or similar that belonged to your son when he was young?" He has no idea where this leads but this is all so absurd that he thinks it won't hurt to answer the duchess.

"Somewhere in the attic I am sure. Lady Grantham was not good at throwing the children's toys out."

"No mother is ever good at that," the duchess chuckles and it makes him like her even more.

"No, probably not."

"Maybe you should give Mary one of her father's old stuffed animals and tell her that it was his. It may remind her of him and who knows, maybe she'll speak to it."

"Mary is almost ten," he says. He wonders how little the duchess knows about children.

"Young enough then to still imagine a bear talking back to her." He must have looked very skeptical because the duchess continues "Not in public of course. But at night or when she is alone. And please don't look at me like that. I was a ten year old girl once, with a brother who made my life seemingly unbearable. He always blamed me for everything and nanny preferred him over me so she believed him. But Hugo, my bear, he believed me." The duchess smiles a very kind smile at this and without thinking he says

"I wish Mary had a mother like you," and then realizes what he has said but instead of trying to gloss it over, something in himself overturns everything he has ever learned and he continues "But it is my fault that she doesn't. And I am very, very sorry for it. Mary is paying a very high price for my stupidity."  
The duchess nods and then says

"Yes. But Robert and I and to some extent even my son are paying quite a high price as well." The duchess now looks him straight in the eyes and she isn't unkind, there is in fact a small smile on her lips, one that says 'But do not only blame yourself'.

"You must be angry at me," he says nonetheless.

"No. I've made my peace with it, Lord Grantham." He doesn't know what to say, he just looks at her. The very kind face surrounded by soft, dark curls styled to perfection no doubt every day for no one but the servants and her young son to see. The custom made dress of which she probably owns dozens more, all ordered and paid for with money that belongs to her son, again for no one but that young boy and the servants to see. It is all about appearances.

"Have you ever considered marrying again? You must need help raising your son and running this estate." The duchess' eyebrows shoot up in surprise but she does not seem to be offended although she should be. This is none of his business.

"Yes and no. I would like some help with teaching Sam how to be a duke, but in a way Robert helps me with it. He tells me what is important, to which school to send him and so on. And the estate? Well, I have a land agent and Robert helps me look through the books to keep an eye on him. And to answer your first question, yes, I would like to marry again very much. But I won't marry without love and you know as well as I do that that is not possible."

"So it is love that keeps my son and you together?" The duchess now displays a look of utter confusion, rather like a little girl who does not understand why her favorite toy has been taken away.

"Naturally it is. Did you really think that Robert or I for that matter would risk this affair for years and years if it wasn't about love?" He can only shake his head and stare at this woman in wonder. This kind woman who could have been his daughter-in-law. Who could have been sitting at his dinner table every day and made lively conversation. Who would have loved his grandchildren and his son.

"That makes it worse," he says and the duchess shakes her head.

"No. It makes it more bearable. At least there is something we can do about it even if we cannot be together the way we would like to be. But a love like this is better than no love at all."

He cannot help admire this woman who sometimes still has the air of an innocent little girl about her but yet again seems as wise as his own grandmother was who died at the age of 98.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" she asks then and he would very much like to say yes but he can't stay, he has to be on his way home, he has already stayed here for too long.

"Thank you Duchess, but no. I must be on my way home." She then gets up, and rings for a footman to accompany him and to his great astonishment she comes to the door with him. When he says his final goodbye to her she looks at him and says "Please tell him that," and he nods. He knows what she wants and he will do so, he will find a moment alone with Robert, it shouldn't be too difficult.

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"You are late," are the words Violet greets him with when he enters the dining room in his travelling clothes. She has apparently already started to eat but as it is just them tonight, he won't change.

"I know and I am sorry," he says and sits down opposite her.

"Do you intent to change?" she asks and he answers

"I intent to eat." It makes her laugh just as he knew it would. He likes having dinner with just her. First of all it means that their horrible daughter-in-law isn't home but he also just enjoys talking to Violet more freely than usual. They are very good friends after all.

After they have been left alone in the drawing later on, Violet asks

"Were you able to smuggle that letter to his mistress then?" and when he looks at her he sees a triumphant smile on his wife's face. It is a look very typical for her. Her face is much harsher than the duchess' but it is also surrounded by curls styled to perfection. There is a twinkle in Violet's eyes though that takes a lot of the harshness away if one is able to detect it. She is very hard on the outside and very soft on the inside and he believes that he is among a group of very few people who know this. Both Robert and Rosamund know and he hopes that Mary does too. Mary.

"Do you remember that stuffed brown toy dog that Robert used to take everywhere?" he asks and Violet looks at him as if he had just fallen to earth from the moon.

"Patrick, that is a very feeble attempt at changing the topic of the conversation and it won't work." He shakes his head and decides to explain it all rather than just giving Violet bits, she will want to know all of it anyway. The only thing he cannot tell her however is who Robert's mistress really is.

"I wasn't trying to change the topic. I talked to her when I gave her the letter. She asked about Mary and I told her the truth, I don't know why. But I told her that she stopped speaking about a year ago and this woman suggested that we give Mary a stuffed toy that belonged to Robert. So that she would have something that reminded her of her father." He decides to leave out the 'talking to the toy' part because he isn't sure that Violet won't find it ridiculous.

"Why would Robert's mistress ask about his daughter?" Violet asks quite unabashedly and he cannot help looking around the room to check that they are alone.

"Because there is more to it than we thought. She loves him and apparently he loves her too." Violet doesn't look very surprised at this.

"It is exactly how I thought then. Why would he have kept the same mistress for almost a decade if he didn't love her?"

"You anticipated this?" he asks and she nods.

"Our son has a very kind heart and he is a bit of a sentimentalist. It does not surprise me that he loves his mistress."

"The mistress he loves," Patrick muses and Violet begins to laugh.

"That, my dear husband, sounds like the title of a dirty romance novel."

It makes him laugh too and without conscious thought he gets up, holds out his hands to her, she takes them and gets up as well. She is now standing so close to him that he could count her eyelashes and he puts his arms around her just as he does to him. It is a practiced motion, they have done this a thousand times. They are very good friends after all.

"We've made a horrible mistake," Violet whispers into his shoulders and because he knows her so well he hears that she is holding back tears.

"And there is nothing we can do about it. I inquired about a divorce again, it is not possible." They hold onto each other for a moment longer and then without needing to say a word they go upstairs.

He doesn't even knock tonight when he enters Violet's room, they both knew he was coming to her tonight. Violet smiles a warm welcoming smile at him, she has obviously been waiting for him.

"Now, the dog," she says, gets up, goes to her nightstand and opens the lowest drawer.

He cannot believe his eyes when he sees her take out the toy he has been thinking about. She puts in on the bed and says "We should give it to Mary tomorrow morning I think."

"You have that dog hidden in your drawer," is all he can say about this.

"I did not hide it. No one ever asked about it."

"What else is in there?" he asks and Violet begins to empty the drawer. There are two more of Robert's toy animals, a doll that Rosamund used to dress for tea, two picture books both their children loved, a few drawings some of which were evidentially drawn by the children when they were still very small, a few letters and a few pictures.

He looks through them all in wonder and is transported back to a time when his children were still children. When he hadn't yet ruined his son's life.

"I don't look at those things very often, but I am glad to know that I have got them," Violet says in a very rare moment of sentimentality.

"So am I," he says and then helps her to hide their children's childhoods in the bottom most drawer of her nightstand again.

"Why did we ruin our son's life?" Violet asks quite out of the blue a few minutes later.

"Because we thought we were doing the right thing."

"We _told ourselves_ we were doing the right thing. And that is where we failed." Violet looks defeated now, a look that is not displayed on her face very often.

"I don't think there is any use in discussing it again. Let's just try to rectify what we can rectify. Let's spend more time with Mary. Maybe we can take her with us when we travel the next time. Not for months but maybe for four weeks. Give Robert some time and space."

"We would also have to take nanny."

"Of course." Violet would never spend more than thirty minutes with a child all by herself. But if the nanny is at hand, she is likely to spend quite a lot of time with Mary.

"Are you staying?" He deliberates for a moment and looks at his wife. He is so glad that she is nothing like Robert's wife. They aren't in love, they have never been in love, they never will be in love, but they like and respect one another and they are good friends. Best friends.

"Of course I am staying," he says, takes Violet's face in his hands and kisses her.

.

.

Cora

The Suffolk Estate – January 1901

.

She opens the letter as soon as Lord Grantham has left. It was hard for her not to open it when he was still there. She hasn't heard a word from Robert ever since the day he left. She has had to rely on the newspapers to be sure that he is still alive. But he couldn't write to her, it was too dangerous. And now he is about to come home and she has got a letter. The only thing better than that would have been Robert herself coming to her estate.

Her hands are shaking when she opens the letter and her heart is beating much faster than usual when she begins to read.

 _My darling Cora,_

 _If you read this letter, I know that you have seen my father because the only way he could get this letter to you without causing any suspicion was to deliver it himself._

 _I am sure that he has told you that I am doing well, that I have been injured but am not in any danger._

 _My darling, I am sorry to have to tell you that that is not true. I asked the medical staff to not tell my parents how grave my injury really was, mainly because I don't want them to worry for Mary's sake. They will find out how badly I have been hurt soon enough._

 _But you deserve to know the truth now. I have been shot and the bullet is still stuck above my heart. There is a young Scottish doctor here, a Dr. Clarkson who says that he wants to remove the bullet. He says it is the only way to possibly save me but he isn't sure that it will work. I have agreed to this treatment because if he doesn't try, I will almost certainly die. I hope that I won't die and Dr. Clarkson says that with a bit of luck I'll make it but the risk is there. So if this is it and it very well may be, know this:_

 _I have loved you very, very much._

 _In the event that I don't survive this, there are a few things I want you to know and a few things I would like to ask you to do._

Here she needs to stop reading. She looks at the following pages and the names Sam, Mary, and Rosamund seem to be mentioned but she doesn't have the strength to read any of it. She will read it tonight, when she is alone in her bedroom and can be quite sure that she won't be interrupted.

But at the moment she needs company and so she seeks out her young son.

* * *

AN: Thank you as always for the many reviews! I really appreciate you taking the time. And a special thanks to the guests who I can't thank in a pm.

I hope you liked this chapter and that Violet wasn't out of character. But I think she really is very soft on the inside and that she loves her children and grandchildren very much.

Let me know what think about this chapter.

Have a great Sunday everyone,

Kat


	8. Chapter 8

Cora

The Suffolk Estate – January 1901

.

"Nanny," she says and the older woman looks at her kindly. She is so very thankful to her mother for having found such a wonderful caregiver for her son. Her mother came to London in 1897 to help her look for a new nanny and she thinks they found someone perfect.

"Nanny, from tomorrow on I would like the duke to have lunch with me whenever I am home." She needs Sam to have lunch with her. If Robert really dies, there is no one left in all of England she implicitly trusts. Except for her eight year old son and two American servants.

"He is only eight years old, your grace," the woman says a little flabbergasted.

"I know. And I know it is unusual but I am tired of eating all by myself whenever I am here. And I think that the duke is old enough to have lunch with me." Nanny nods and smiles and then says

"I am sure that you are able to handle him, your grace," and it makes her laugh despite everything. Nanny knows this very well. She has a day off every week because Cora likes to take care of Sam herself and if it wasn't for the fact that he needed to be taught the rules of the English aristocracy, Nanny would probably have a lot more free days than she already has.

"Mama!" Sam says when he returns from the bathroom, already dressed in his nightclothes.

"Hello darling," she says. Sam walks towards her and puts his arms around her waist. Nanny looks away while he does this, she thinks a duke, no matter how young, should not hug his mother but there is nothing she wants to change about this. Sam is her son and he is still a child and although he does not know it, in this moment it is a great comfort to her that he does hug her and love her.

"Sam, from tomorrow on, you and I will have lunch together whenever I am here." Sam looks at her excitedly but then asks

"Why?"

"Because I like your company and I think you are old enough to have lunch with adults."

"What about the days you are not here?"

"You will have lunch with Nanny then," she replies and Sam nods. He sits down on his bed and gets under the covers. He really is a very well behaved boy.

"Mama, where are you when you are not here?" She hates that question. Sam has asked it a hundred times and she has lied to him a hundred times. But there is nothing she can do but lie about this, even if she feels horrible every time she does this. Although the days when she is away have become less with Robert gone and they may never become more again.

"I have to go to London to take care of your uncle's business here in England, you know that Sam. And no, you cannot come with me." She decided, and Robert agreed, that it would be best to say that she had business for Harold. If she said it was about the estate, the agent would become suspicious if he heard of it. And it isn't a complete lie. She really sometimes talks to lawyers for Harold. He hates going to England and she is already there and he trusts her.

Trust.

There is no one she can trust if Robert dies. Maybe she should reconsider and move to New York if he does die, regardless of her parents' protests. At least for a year or two.

She nods at Nanny who leaves the room. This is their evening routine, she tucks Sam in whenever it is possible. She sometimes wonders how long Sam will accept this and she knows that she will have to stop it sooner or later if the boy does not object, but tonight she is glad that her little boy looks at her from under the covers, his light blue eyes that look exactly like hers sparkling at her.

"Mama, I did something bad today," he says. She looks at him and gives him an encouraging smile despite what he has just said.

"What happened?" she asks because she does not believe that her son would really do something bad.

"I broke a window. I was playing cricket with Billy." This makes her almost laugh and if she wasn't so afraid for Robert's life, she would laugh. 'Billy' is the son of her head gardener. He is of course named William and his parents would very much prefer it if he was called William, but she once told her son that boys named William were often called Billy in America. Her son who is very proud of his American heritage started calling his best friend Billy immediately.

"He threw the ball and I batted it and it just flew into the little kitchen window. Mrs. Hasting got very mad and said that I should be given a thrashing but I offered to help her in the kitchen for a week instead."

"What did she say?"

"She said she would accept my offer if you agreed and I promised not to get underfoot."

She decides to talk to Mrs. Hasting about this. It was very kind of Sam to offer some sort of compensation and if he really were to help in the kitchen for a week, he would learn much more than a in her opinion unnecessary thrashing would have taught him.

"We'll see," she says to her son and kisses him on the forehead. "I'll talk to her. But you can only help after your lessons if she agrees." Sam solemnly nods. He does not like his lessons very much. He is an intelligent boy, but he does not like to sit still. He has a very kind tutor, the man used to tutor Robert and he recommended him. She lied about this of course, said she had asked around at parties and the kind man could not refuse the offer to prepare a duke for Eton. Because where else would Sam go but to Eton?

"Good night, Sam," she says and he smiles, says "Good night, Mama" and as is his custom turns to the wall when she leaves the room.

.

She goes through dinner in a trance, she hardly touches her food and she goes upstairs right afterwards. She does not enjoy being in the drawing room by herself in any case but tonight she couldn't stand it. Once Sully has left, she gets out Robert's letter and promises herself not to cry before she has finished reading it.

…

 _In the event that I don't survive this, there are a few things I want you to know and a few things I would like to ask you to do._

 _Please send Sam to Eton once he is old enough. I know you don't approve of corporal punishment and I know that you do not like everything I have told you about Eton but he has to go there. If he wants to be accepted among his peers he has to attend Eton and make friends there. I know that he has friends on the estate but they are the children of his servants. It does not matter right now, he does not have any siblings and cannot be expected to be by himself all the time, but he needs friends in his own social sphere. That is important, otherwise he will be considered a laughing stock later on._

 _I also know you want him to marry for love, and I agree with the idea, but try to steer him towards falling in love with someone who won't cause a huge scandal. If he married the daughter of your land agent, she would never be taken seriously and neither would he. Those are things you have to talk to him about when the time comes._

 _Ask your land agent to take Sam along on his tours of the estate from time to time soon. He needs to know the tenants and they need to know him. If they have seen and liked him as a boy, his life will be much easier once he is an adult and really takes over the running of the estate._

 _Until then, don't shy away from a little modernization but do not follow every trend that comes along. Stay traditional, don't upset the farmers. Be kind and lenient towards those who are faithful to the family and strict with those who are not. A faithful tenant who cannot pay his rent for a few months because his wife has had triplets is worth much more than a tenant who always pays his rent but tries to cheat you half the time._

 _Should I not return or die shortly after my return, please find a way to befriend Rosamund. Marmaduke died a few months ago, he was shot in the head. I know that Rosamund is not doing well and that she needs a friend. Our parents are no doubt trying to be kind to her but there is a difference between their kindness and your kindness. I am sure that Rosamund and you would get along. Maybe you could meet her somewhere by accident or have a party at your house to which you invite her as well. If she asked you why, just say that someone mentioned to you that she would have liked to see your house. Rosamund wants to see every house, so it is safe to say that she would like to see yours._

 _She needs a friend, Cora. And it might be good for you as well. I think that at some point you could tell her about us. You could talk to her about me then, she knows quite a few stories about me._

 _Once you have befriended Rosamund, please try to find a way to make her take you to Downton. My father will not say a word about you being there, but if you were to show interest in Mary he would know why and he would not object. Phillipa wants Mary to marry Patrick, my heir, but I only want Mary to do so if she loves him. If you were there, if Rosamund took you to Downton from time to time, Phillipa would probably think that you were interested in a match between Mary and Sam and let you talk to Mary. Try to guide her as much as you can, become her friend as well when she is a little older. Try to help her through her first season and just as with Sam, try to steer her towards falling in love with the right person. She should not marry a footman._

 _Please take care of yourself my darling. Don't mourn me for too long. I know you loved me and I know that you will not want to dance with other men for quite some time but please don't reject every man the moment he looks at you. With me gone, your heart will eventually become free to love someone else and if you were to find that someone and he is not married and loves you too, then get married. I would like to say that I am setting you free but I can't because there is nothing that I could set you free from, I have no claim on you besides that of my heart._

 _Please know that I am still very sorry about not having proposed to you. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have disregarded my parents' wishes, I should have just sealed the deal. You will of course think that it was your fault just as much as mine, that you should have spoken up as well. But you had been told not to do so, that English women, even more so than American women, were not to speak their minds._

 _I am, however, very glad that you did speak your mind later and that you convinced me that we could be together after all, even if it was in secret, even if it meant that I made you my mistress. I know what that must have cost you, I know that while you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you, you are making a much greater sacrifice. If we ever were found out, your reputation would be ruined, mine would at most get a few scratches. I admire you for your courage and determination more than I have admired anyone else. I am so very proud to have known you and I often wonder what I did right to deserve your love. Despite it all, I am a happy man and it is you that makes me happy._

 _If I die now, I'll leave this world dreaming of you as my wife and mother of our children, including Mary and Sam._

 _I love you._

 _I love you._

 _I love you._

 _Robert_

There is nothing she can do but cry and pray.

.

Mary

Downton Abbey – February 1901

.

"Papa is coming home today. Are you looking forward to it?" She makes her toy dog nod. She imagines that he understands her. Of course she knows he doesn't, but it is nice to pretend. The dog is the only one she has talked to since her mother said to her grandmother that she did not miss her Papa and that the only reason she wanted him to survive was the title.

She hates her mother but she loves her Papa. He is the kindest man she knows, he is even nicer than her Grandpapa. She is happy that her Papa is coming home. Her uncle Marmaduke and her Papa are fighting in the same war. But her uncle Marmaduke died and she was so afraid of her Papa dying. Without her Papa she is lost. Her grandparents and Aunt Rosamund are nice but her Papa takes the best care of her. She doesn't understand why he married her mother. She once asked and he told her that she was too young to understand. But maybe he will explain it to her soon, she is older now.

She watches from the window when her Papa's carriage arrives. Her mother would never allow her to come outside. When her Papa leaves the carriage he is helped by another man and she knows that he is sick. She forgets that her mother will probably lock her in her room forever. Her Papa is sick and he needs her like she needs him. So she runs down the stairs, her toy dog still in her hand. She runs forgetting that she is almost a lady. She runs to her father who looks at her and for a moment she isn't sure that he recognizes her and she throws her arms around his waist and says "Papa".

"Mary," he says and gently touches her head.

"Are you sick?" she asks and her Papa nods and begins to sway. He loses his balance and falls to the ground. She kneels next to him and touches his forehead the way he does to her when she is sick and she whispers "Please don't die Papa. I love you."

She is pried away from her Papa then, she doesn't know who it is but someone yells for a doctor and that her Papa needs to be put to bed but she frees herself from whoever is holding her, runs back to her Papa, again says "I love you,", presses the toy dog into his left hand and whispers "and such good luck." And then all there is left to do for her is to cry and pray.

* * *

AN: As always, thank you so much for the reviews! I didn't get to answer them personally this week because I have been a bit sick (nothing serious, don't worry) and life has just been crazy. But THANK YOU, I really appreciate you all taking the time.

I put in the part about Sam because it is important to know about his nature later on.

There will definitely be an update on Sunday as I have already written chapter 9, but I can't promise another update on Thursday. I may have to switch to a 'Sunday only' update schedule. This story has taken a mind of its own. I actually wanted to start using parts of the original story 'The Affair' beginning in this chapter, but we are far, far away from that. So this story will be a lot longer than I had originally planned. I hope I am not boring you with it.

Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter and please let me know what you think about it!

Have a great day,

Kat


	9. Chapter 9

Robert

Downton Abbey – March 1901

.

He feels someone stir besides him and opens his eyes. It is Mary. Of course it is Mary. She has refused to leave his room since the day after he returned home. She sleeps there, she eats there with him, she refuses to attend her lessons, claiming "Papa can teach me everything I need to know".

And he is glad, so very glad that she keeps him company day and night. He is out of danger now but apparently has a few weeks of recovery ahead of him and he would probably have died of pure boredom if Mary hadn't been pestering him with questions about everything. About the war, about the estate, about the Greek classics, about mathematics, about Shakespeare, about Napoleon, about Latin translations of the bible, about horses and cricket. She is sometimes driving him mad with her endless pestering but then he remembers that Mary hadn't spoken at all for over year before he returned home.

He looks at the toy dog in Mary's hand. It used to be his dog, he took it everywhere when he was a child and Mary pressed it into his hand when she thought that he was about to die. He has since told her that the dog named Anton was a lucky charm.

"Good morning Papa," his little girl says and smiles.

"Did you sleep well?" he asks and Mary nods.

"Yes," she says, then grins and says "but you snore a lot." It is very hard for him not say "Cora says so too". Because Cora constantly complains about his snoring.

He spends the morning with Mary, going with her through fractions and his little girl is so quick on the uptake that he thinks that she should get proper mathematics instructions. He wonders if his parents will allow it, but maybe he should just put his foot down. Mary may after all share some of Cora's experiences and be forced to run an estate.

Cora is an intelligent woman and she is educated in many areas, but only those areas believed to be important for women. She knows several foreign languages, she speaks French, German and Italian, her knowledge of literature and its criticism seems endless, she can probably dance every dance that can be danced, she knows her history lessons, both British and American and she is very good at making small talk in drawing rooms and libraries, she knows about art history, she can run a large household but she is not qualified to run an estate. She knows next to nothing about it.

He has recommended books to her and she read all of them but when it comes to the running of an estate, knowledge from books can only take you so far. And while she is a very nice and likable person it is very hard for her to gain the tenants' respect when it is so obvious that she hardly knows anything about farming and their kind of life. Her agent does not take her seriously not only because of her lacking knowledge but also because she is a woman. But Robert believes that if Cora knew more the agent might sometimes forget that he was talking to a woman. But not the way it is now and there is no way for him to help Cora more than he already does, or rather than he did before the war. He has not seen her since then after all. And he misses her, he misses her so very much.

After Mary and he have eaten their lunch, his parents come for their customary daily visit, but today his mother insists on taking Mary away.

"Mary, I am going to take you into Ripon. You need a few new dresses."

"I don't want to go. She will tell me that I am too tall and not pretty." 'She' is of course her mother.

"Your mother is in London. It will just be us. Maybe I would even like you to accompany me to a tea shop afterwards." He almost bursts into loud laughter. His mother in a tea shop. But he hides his laughter, his parents are doing quite a lot for Mary and he supposes that this is one of those things. His mother is taking Mary for dress fittings today so that the girl won't have to go with her own mother and she is trying to do something special with Mary as well.

"Patrick, I will go to the clockmakers and get your watch as well," his mother says when she leaves his room holding Mary's hand and this surprises him too.

"Why does Mama want to pick up your watch?" he asks his father astonished. "Why not have a servant do it?"

His father looks as if he doesn't want to answer and he thinks of dropping the subject but then his father speaks after all.

"We think that it is important for Mary to see that not all marriages are like yours."

"So you have decided to put on an act," he says and wonders why his parents would do such a thing.

"No Robert, we are not putting on an act. There is no romantic love between your mother and myself but we do like each other. We are very good friends."

He nods but scrutinizes his father. He wonders not for the first time whether his parents' believe that there is no love between them isn't wrong. He knows they are not like Cora and him but he isn't sure whether it really is only friendship that keeps his parents from having affairs and makes them buy sentimental Christmas presents for one another. But it is not his business.

"Robert, I am glad that your mother took Mary away because I have to talk to you alone."

He nods and expects a lecture on how it is necessary that he produce an heir after all, that his near death had shown his father that there was no way around him doing his duty with Phillipa again, that they would have to find a way to ensure that she did not present him with a bastard.

"When I took your letter to the duchess I talked to her."

"How was she?" he can't stop himself from asking. He is desperate for any information on Cora.

"She seemed a little lost but was well otherwise. She seems very kind and intelligent."

"I know. She only ever sees the best in people. Otherwise she wouldn't have been able to forgive me."

His father smile at this. "She even forgave me."

"The problem with her kindness is that it makes her appear a little gullible and that is not helpful in running her estate. She isn't gullible but some people believe her to be so. I wish that I could help her more." What he actually wishes is that she was here, spending time with him but he knows it can't happen.

"She told me to tell you that she loves you."

Although he knew this of course it still warms his heart. He doesn't dare himself to speak though, for fear of embarrassing himself and his father so he only nods.

"I want to go and see her."

"You aren't yet well enough for that." He shakes his head. His father is right. He doesn't feel like himself yet. They don't say anything for while, each of them following their own train of thoughts.

"Has Phillipa visited you yet?" his father asks eventually.

"No, thank the heavens," he replies. He does not want to see her and Mary wants to see her even less. "But I will try to file for a divorce again."

Now it is his father's turn to shake his head. "Robert I have already tried. If you filed for a divorce, Phillipa would in all likelihood agree. And we would lose everything we own. Everything. And there is nothing we can do about that, not even with her constant cheating. She may still get it all. If it was only a matter of giving her her money back, maybe we could manage somehow. Rosmaund and Maramduke would probably be able to help and I daresay that your duchess is so rich that, were you to marry her, she'd bring some money into the marriage as well. But it is not just the house. It is the estate, the house in London, our vacation homes, everything. There is no way anyone could ever pay her and we'd be impoverished."

He knows this is fruitless, he knows his father's reply, he has discussed this with himself and Cora several times.

"Cora would let all of us live with her."

"And that would be very kind of her. But her house, her estate aren't hers. They belong to her son, the Duke of Suffolk. And while he may agree with his mother and let all of us stay when he is older, where will the next Earl of Grantham live? The home of the Granthams cannot be Woodland Castle because that is the home of the Suffolks. And even if we gave it all up, think about the tenants. Do you think Phillipa would care about them? No. She'd raise the rents, they'd leave one after another, as poor or poorer than we would be. And your duchess cannot take them on. Phillipa would ruin the tenants, the village, this estate, everything any Earl or Countess of Grantham have ever given their lives for. And I know that it sounds harsh Robert, but there is nothing, nothing we can do."

He has to laugh despite it all. He knows his father and knew this was coming, he agrees with his father and Cora agrees with this as well.

"I know Papa. I have thought about this a million times, I have discussed it with Cora. We both agree with you. There is no way for me to divorce Phillipa, the prenup is airtight. And we would not know what would happen to Mary. The lawyers I asked said that if Phillipa played her cards right she might get custody and she would try. Just to annoy us. And I cannot risk that. Even if we did not lose everything, as long as there is no security for Mary, things have to remain as they are."

.

His father and he discuss matters of the estate until Mary and his mother return. Mary is in a good mood and keeps talking about the cake she had at the tea shop and he looks at his mother in thanks.

"Mary, I think it is about time you took care of your pony," his father says at one point.

"Why?" Mary asks. "Isn't the stable boy doing it for me?"

"Yes. But Pedro is your pony. Don't you think he misses you? Let's go to the stable together and you can tell your Papa how Pedro is doing when we return."

He knows that his mother wants to talk to him alone as well and as soon as Mary and his father have left, his mother sits down next to him.

"We thought that it might be good for Mary to get out of the house. And get used to you not being here constantly again. The doctor says you can leave your bed soon and your father wants you to visit the tenants. To show that you still are the next Earl of Grantham. And I am sure that you want to visit your, well, her."

"Yes." His mother looks around herself and then leans closer to him.

"Who is she? Your father won't say a word on it." 'And I won't either,' he thinks. There is no way that he would tell his mother that his mistress is an American duchess.

"You don't know her," he says although that is of course a lie, but it is one he has to tell.

"How can we be sure that she won't blackmail you or us? Your father says that there is love but that might go away." He wants to shout at his mother that it won't, that he and Cora will love each other until their dying days but that would not satisfy his mother.

"Because she is an upper-middle class woman." That is not an utter lie, Cora grew up in the upper-middle class. His mother nods and then mumbles something about his father having said that too. He dearly hopes that she won't set spies on him but for some reason he has the feeling that his mother believes him.

"Well, I don't care about the upper-middle class," his mother says and then moves to tell him about some gossip from the upper class _he_ doesn't care about but he lets her talk.

Later that day Mary really won't stop to talk about her pony and he is glad that he had a break from her that day. As much as he loves his little girl, she has spent too much time with him. Still she continues to sleep in his room and he does not mind that, he is used to sharing his sleeping quarters, he had to do it in South Africa as well after all.

His parents seem to have agreed on a routine of taking Mary away every day and gradually the nanny seems to be involved in it is as well until about three weeks later he is pronounced healthy again and his father demands him to visit all the tenants right away.

.

.

And although it seems like an endless time, another two weeks later he finds himself walking towards a small cottage hidden in the woods on the Suffolk Estate.

"Robert," Cora says in her unmistakable American accent and he smiles at her. She walks towards him and once she has reached him she throws her arms around him and he lifts her of the ground.

"God I missed you," they say at the same time and laugh. He touches her face then, gently caresses her face and then her hair and he can't believe that she is real.

"I thought you were a figment of my imagination," he whispers and then sees the tears building in her eyes. Tears that make her eyes sparkle even more and when they begin to fall they are accompanied by a smile that warms his heart.

"No. No I am not a figment of your imagination. I am real and you are alive."

He doesn't want to let go of her but it starts to rain and Cora steps away from him, then takes his right hand and pulls him inside.

The warmth of their cottage wraps around him like a blanket and when the rain begins to fall on the roof and the windows and it gets dark in the cottage, Cora is illuminated by the lights of the fire roaring in the corner and candles lit at the wall. She has never looked so beautiful to him, she looks so soft to him and when she touches his face again her touch is just as soft as she looks and he wants and needs more of it. So he pulls her close and when her body almost crashes into his he almost loses his footing.

"Cora, I need to," he whispers and she nods. She understood and leads him to their bedroom.

.

Cora

The Bedroom of the Cottage on the Suffolk Estate – The Same Day

.

She gently rakes Robert's chest. She cannot believe he is home and alive. But he is, he is lying next to her, asleep and sweaty, he is there and breathing. This must have been the most desperate love making they have ever done. Robert's need for her, her need for Robert, their need for each other was greater than ever before and they had to assure one another that they could still do this, that after all this time they could still make each other happy.

"Darling?" Robert asks and she almost breaks down in tears.

"I am so glad to hear you call me that," she says and he smiles.

"What else would I call you after this?" he asks and it makes her laugh.

"Cora. That is my name," she replies and he begins to laugh too, turns fully towards her, begins to tickle her, gently throws her onto her back and then hovers over her.

"I love you, my darling Cora," he says and the laughter gets stuck in her throat. She looks into the deep blue that are his eyes, his face surrounded by hair that is still a little over grown and sticking to him, his soft smile that takes her breath away.

"I love you too," she says, his smile becomes brighter and he then lowers his face to hers and begins to kiss her.

She dimly thinks that they should talk, they haven't seen each other for such a long time, but when Robert's kisses become more passionate she gives herself over to him completely.

'I love you' is all they really needed to say after all.

* * *

AN: I hope this chapter isn't as bad as it seems to me. But I just did not want to dwell on Robert's recovery for too long. And I really hope that you liked the reunion scene :)

There will be an update on Thursday after all but I still can't promise to stick to my 'two updates a week' schedule.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day to you all and thank you for all the support!

Kat

P.S.: Please let me know what you think about this chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

Rather long chapter :) The part in italics is a flashback.

* * *

Robert

The Suffolk Estate – October 1905

.

'Crunch'. 'Crunch'.

Each crunch of the leaves beneath his feet makes him aware of the fact that it is autumn and that winter is just around the corner. Another year gone by, another year he has had to spent married to who he thinks must be one of the most unpleasant women in England, another year he has spent having an affair with Cora, certainly the most wonderful woman to have ever walked this Earth.

And of course another year spent worrying about Mary. His little girl will soon turn fifteen and her mother is making plans for her. For her coming out, although that is still in the admittedly not so far away future, her marriage to Patrick Crawley that same year. But Mary and Patrick don't get along. Patrick is a nice boy, he will in all likelihood be a good earl one day but he is not what Mary needs, that is obvious now.

Although she is still very young, it has already become clear to Robert that Mary would need a man who can stand up to her, who can fight with her and who most of all gives her self-confidence. She always seems so timid and shy around other people but she is not. He knows the real Mary and she is neither timid nor shy. She is outspoken and afraid of nothing. If only she had the self-confidence to show her real self to the world.

His parents are now showing the world to her. They both like to travel and about two and a half years ago they started to take Mary and her governess with them. Phillipa disagreed of course because she would never allow anything to happen that could bring Mary joy. But his mother argued that if they wanted to preserve a chance for Mary to not become the Countess of Grantham but maybe a marchioness or even a duchess, she would have to be educated and seen a little of the world.

Phillipa immediately started thinking about who could have a son about Mary's age and when she couldn't think of one, his father volunteered the information that

'The Duke of Suffolk was only a little over a year younger than Mary that the boy's father was dead already and so Mary would become a duchess the day of her wedding'.

Why in all the world his father had to mention Sam is beyond him, but it lead to Phillipa letting Mary go.

Whenever Mary is travelling with his parents he tries to spend more than just two or three days with Cora. Of course he can't stay with her for weeks and weeks, they both have too many responsibilities, but with Mary travelling with his parents and Sam at Eton, they sometimes have a little more time for each other.

They will now spend a whole week together in their cottage, a place Robert keeps thinking of as 'home'. He talked to Sully, they will have one full scale white tie dinner and maybe they can even go for short walks. He also wants to ask Cora if she could imagine them meeting in Scotland. His cousin Shrimpie owns a vacation home very far up north and he is certain that they could use it. No one would recognize them there. Or they could go abroad, to a small village in France and pretend they were a middle class couple who saved up for years to travel to the continent. They could call themselves 'Mr. and Mrs. Crawley' and walk around together. These thoughts make him smile and he thinks of a strategy to convince Cora to agree. Talking to her about this in the bedroom would probably be best he thinks and he has to laugh out loud about this. But the laughter dies in his throat when he looks up and sees Cora staring at him.

Her face is pale, paler than he has ever seen it before, she seems to sway on the spot, it looks as if she hadn't eaten in days, her hairstyle is very simple and disarranged, her eyes are bloodshot, her lips are chapped and just when he is about to ask whether she was sick, he sees that she is dressed in black.

So he drops the bag he has been carrying to the ground and just puts his arms around her. She begins to cry the moment her head falls on his shoulder and he keeps saying 'I am so sorry', hoping that it isn't Sam who has died.

"My father is dead," she chokes out after a few minutes and he thinks 'at least it is not her son'.

"Oh Cora," he says and holds her even tighter.

"Harold telegraphed the day before yesterday. It was a stroke. I am leaving tomorrow morning."

He hadn't realized until this moment that she would have to go to America.

"What about Sam?"

"He is at Eton. If I haven't returned before Christmas he will follow me to America. I have already spoken to his tutor."

"But surely you will be back before Christmas," he says and lets go of her. She now takes the tissue she had been holding in one hand into the other one as well and begins to fiddle with it. She looks at the ground and then looks him straight into his eyes. It shocks him how grey her eyes look.

"No Robert, I may not be back. My father, he left everything to Harold. But Harold does not know how to handle this much capital or all the houses. He can't even deal with the lawyers. I have to help him. And my mother, she is broken hearted. She loved my father so much. Robert I can't just go there for the funeral and then return here. I have to stay. I have a duty there. I have a duty to my family" Here he puts his finger to Cora's lips.

"Cora, darling, I understand. Don't defend yourself in front of me. Of course you have a duty to your family. I am sorry about being so stupid."

She nods and looks at the ground again.

"I wish you could go with me Robert. I know you can't but I just don't want to be alone. I wish you could come with me and support me and hold me and tell me that we will get through this together."

"Cora, I," he doesn't know what to say. He feels so sorry.

"It is alright Robert. There is nothing we can do, not right now."

"I'll keep you in my thoughts. I will think of you endlessly." He knows this isn't helpful but he also knows that there is no way for him to accompany Cora.

"Thank you. Will you stay until I have to leave tomorrow?"

"Of course," he says and gently kisses Cora's face.

They spent the rest of the day sitting on the sofa and then later lying in bed and Cora tells him stories about her father and cries several more times. But a least for this one night he is there to hold her and comfort her.

When he says goodbye to her the next morning he feels as if he had lost more than a blissful week with the love of his life.

.

Cora

The house of the Levinsons in New York City – December 1905 to February 1906

.

For the first time since Cora arrived in New York, her mother is smiling. Actually smiling and it makes Cora's heart jump with joy. She just told her mother that Sam would be with them in time for Christmas and her mother is overjoyed at the prospect of finally seeing her grandson again. Sam writes to her regularly and her mother treasures these letters.

Sometimes Cora can hardly believe what a wonderful and kind boy her son is. Although, as she has to keep reminding herself that he is on his way to becoming a young man. That is why she agreed to have him accompanied only by his tutor and John Sully. If she didn't think that they might be staying in New York for the foreseeable future, she might have even allowed him to travel only in the company of John Sully but if things remain as they are or rather turn into what she thinks then Sam might have to stay in America for a few months.

"I am going upstairs to get dressed for dinner with your nice young man," her mother says and she can't help smiling. This is of course not about Sam but about Henry. Henry Fincher, her father's closest business partner, a man met a week after the funeral. Henry and she have been in each other's company almost every day for the past two months and her thoughts drift off to how they met.

.

 _"Harold, none of this makes any sense to me. If you want my help, you have to explain these things to me." Her brother looks at her and shrugs his shoulder._

 _"I don't understand it either."_

 _"But you worked with Father. You were his partner." Again Harold just shrugs his shoulders._

 _"I was the one who did the talking to the clients and potential investors. I am very good at it. I am not so good with the numbers. I am not like you my dear sister, you are the smart one." She isn't sure whether her brother says what he really thinks or whether he is trying to provoke her._

 _"Harold," she says. "You inherited everything. Everything. You have to understand this if you want to run the company. Or you have to sell it."_

 _"I thought you were here to help, your grace," Harold says and she knows he wants to hurt her now._

 _"Harold, I want to help you. But I need help to help you."_

 _"Ask Henry then," Harold says and she can't help thinking that she would much rather ask Robert. But then again, she doubts that Robert knows anything at all about running American companies._

 _"Henry?" she asks because she has no idea whom Harold is talking about._

 _"Henry Fincher. You know him." Of course she knows him. She liked him when she was a teenager, before she left for England. She thinks that her father may have even thought about marrying them but was overruled by her mother who wanted an English title for their only daughter._

 _She agrees, because who better to ask than a trusted business partner?_

 _Just a few hours later Henry comes to them and she is struck by how much he still looks like he did all those years ago. He looks older now of course, his pitch black hair is decorated with just a few silver strands, and his built has become stronger, more impressive. Although quite opposed to Robert, Henry does not look as if he sometimes ate too much. She doesn't know what she prefers._

 _"Hello Cora," he says and kisses her cheek. She thinks this quite forward but Henry's breathtaking smile lets her forgot the inappropriateness of it._

.

"Cora," she hears herself called and then feels a hand touching her shoulder. She knows it is Henry, she would recognize his voice anywhere. She takes his hand, squeezes it once and then gets up.

"I am sorry," she says. "I did not hear you being announced."

Henry laughs at this.

"I asked not to be announced," he replies and his green eyes sparkle at her.

"Why?"

"I wanted to surprise you," he says in a voice that sounds like velvet.

"I am not sure I like surprises," she replies and he grins at her.

"As long as you like my surprises I am happy." He then takes her hand again and kisses it and it makes a shiver run down her spine and she knows that she is blushing and she does not care. She even wants Henry to see what he does to her.

"I like your surprises," she says and he says "Good".

He then asks her about Sam, asks when he arrives and again tells her how much he is looking forward to meeting him.

"If he is only half as wonderful as you are, he will turn into a great man," Henry says and she feels an urge to kiss him. She doesn't act on it though, they are in a public room of her mother's house and her father died only a little over two months ago.

They keep talking until it is time for dinner and Henry is placed next to her. She knows what is on her mother's agenda, she has been talking about Sam needing a father and she needing company for the past four weeks. And Cora has let her. At first it was only because she thought it would do her mother good to think about something else but then she realized that she did not mind her mother trying to match make. It feels good to be admired by a man in public, to not have to hide, to not have to feel guilty. And she is sure that Henry's attentions are genuine. Robert's feelings for her are genuine as well, she knows that and would never doubt it but he isn't here, and even when they are together they have to hide.

.

.

Henry and she keep spending far more time together than is necessary and when Sam arrives a few days before Christmas, it is Henry who insists that Sam have dinner with the family. Henry involves Sam in conversation and makes plans with him for the next day.

Cora isn't sure what to think of this, she would have liked to have Sam for herself the following day, but the boy has never had anything close to a father and if Henry wants to take Sam ice skating then she won't interfere. Sam talks of nothing but Henry for the next few days and she is very thankful to her father's business partner for taking care of her son so much.

When she thanks him he says "Don't thank me, I genuinely like him," and she believes Henry. Sam is such a nice and kind boy. He is also intelligent, his grades at Eton are excellent. He is in short a perfect son. Who deserves a father.

Henry now has dinner at her mother's house almost every night and as soon as Sam has gone to bed, Henry spends the remainder of the time in the drawing room with her.

She knows where this is leading, she knows that if she wants to stop she has to do it soon, but she does not know whether she isn't longing for it to go on. It feels as if she had a family, as if Sam finally had a father, as if there was somebody she didn't have to hide.

.

.

Christmas comes and goes and so do New Year's Eve and New Year's Day and the first month of the New Year. Sometime in mid-February Cora finds herself, Sam and Henry walking through Central Park. Sam walks slightly ahead of them, trying to control his grandmother's dog.

"He is much better at it than anyone else," Henry comments as he sees the dog actually listen to Sam.

"We have dogs at home. Sam loves them and he is very good with them." Henry nods and smiles.

"Is that estate really your home?" he asks and although she had been expecting something like this for a few weeks, she still feels as if a difficult conversation was looming in front of her. But she has to get through it.

"Henry, the biggest mistake of my life was not speaking up when I should have done so. And I did not say what was on my mind because I had been told that I shouldn't. But it is a mistake that I will not repeat. I think there are a few things that I have to tell you."

Henry looks at her a little flabbergasted but nods encouragingly and so she begins.

"You asked whether Woodland Castle was really my home and it is. I may sometimes wish to live somewhere that is not a drafty English castle, but I can't. My son is a duke. Of course the responsibility isn't his yet, but it will be the day he comes of age. He will become a peer then, a seat in the House of Lords is waiting for him. He needs to live in England. He has to go to Eton. He has to find friends among those who are his social equals. He would be a laughing stock otherwise. He could not live in New York or anywhere else that isn't England which means that neither could I."

Henry now stops her and turns her towards him.

"Cora, I would move to England. I would live in that drafty castle with you." This answers lets a jolt shoot through her. It means that Henry really is thinking of proposing to her.

"Henry, there is one more thing you should know before you ask me any questions." Henry laughs out loud at this and it makes her laugh too despite the seriousness of what is to come next.

"This is serious. I think you have a right to know that Sam will remain my only child. His birth was very difficult and I cannot have any other children. I cannot provide children for you who could inherit your fortune."

Henry nods and takes her hands in his.

"Cora, I am not going to lie. I would like to have children of my own. But what I would like, what I want even more than that is a happy marriage. And if that is what you want too and you think that I can give it to you, than the fact that there wouldn't be any children for us wouldn't matter." She nods and Henry then looks at Sam who seems to have gained control over the dog.

"And Sam is a wonderful boy."

She nods because she understands what Henry is trying to say. That he would be ready to accept Sam as his son. And that is what lets her doubts vanish. Sam needs a father and Henry would be a loving father and certainly a loving husband. So she nods and Henry nods too and then they both begin to smile.

"Tonight," he says and she understands this to mean that Henry will propose to her that night.

They go their separate ways a short while later and before they have even left the park, Sam asks her if she was going to marry Henry.

"Maybe," she replies because she cannot be sure that he will propose and she does not want to be disappointed again. She was sure that Robert would propose after all.

.

.

Robert

The same day

.

He is freezing. He doesn't think that he has ever been this cold. He has been waiting at the corner of this street for over an hour now and he is afraid of the police telling him to go away. But he cannot go to the house before Cora's mother and brother have left. He knows they leave their house together every day, he had to hire a private detective to find out if there was any way that he could talk to Cora and for that he needs her alone. He considered just going to the Levinson's house and ask for the Duchess, claiming that he was an acquaintance of hers but he is afraid that Cora's brother and mother could recognize him. And how could he talk to Cora if they knew he was there? They wouldn't give them a single moment of peace.

Eventually the blessed moment comes and once the carriage with Mrs. Levinson and her son has rounded the corner, he walks up to the house and rings the doorbell. He asks to see the Duchess of Suffolk and the footman refers him to the butler who very unkindly asks him "who should be announced to her grace".

"Mr. Crawley," he says. Even if word got to Cora's family, she could lie. And maybe they don't remember the name Crawley.

So he listens to the butler saying "There is a Mr. Crawley here to see you, your grace," and in his mind he sees a smile appearing on Cora's face.

When he enters the library Cora has already gotten up and she looks him straight into his eyes but there is no joy displayed on her face.

"Mr. Crawley," she says and when he opens his mouth to speak, he sees her nod at the butler who then leaves the room. Cora walks to the window and says something about 'the splendid view'. He follows her and stands next to her and prepares for a quick kiss but what he gets is Cora hissing

"What are you doing here?"

"I missed you," he says and she stares at him.

"And so you follow me all the way here? Across the Atlantic?" she asks and he doesn't know what to say. He had been sure that Cora would be overjoyed to see him. To safe himself he starts to tell her that Mary had begged him to see New York for some time, that he thought it would be nice to do her a favor and that this trip had been her Christmas present.

"So you used Mary to come here."

"No. I admit it was convenient, but" he doesn't know what else to say. He is so disappointed, so very disappointed.

"But what Robert? But what?" although Cora hasn't raised her voice to him it sounds as if she was yelling.

"I thought you would be happy to see me. I missed you."

Cora now looks at him as if she had to stop herself from saying the wrong thing and then he knows. He knows there is someone else, he knows that she isn't happy to see him because she does not want to see him.

"There is someone else, isn't there?" he asks and she nods. "I see," he says and wants to go but somehow his legs don't move. So he instead asks

"Who?"

"A former business partner of my father's. His name is Henry, he is very kind, he likes Sam, he is willing to move to England and live in that drafty castle." Cora is now looking out the window again, her arms are crossed before her body and she looks pitiful. So very pitiful.

"Do you love him?" he asks.

"I don't know. I like him. He will be good to me." It makes him chuckle. He will be good. It will be a good marriage but in all likelihood not a truly happy one. But he can't say that out loud, it is not his place to do so.

"If he isn't good to you, let me know. I'll have him torn apart by wild dogs then."

Cora gives a slight laugh at this and he wonders if she is mocking him. A feeling that becomes stronger when she asks

"You don't object?" Of course he objects. With every fiber of his being. He wants to yell at her to not marry someone else again, to not destroy the little bit of happiness they, have but he cannot do that. He is married after all as well.

"I have no right to object. And I want you to be happy. If this is what makes you happy then all that remains for me to do is to keep you in my thoughts and prayers."

"You don't pray," Cora says and he replies

"And you know what I mean."

Cora nods and looks at him expectantly.

"So this is it then?" he asks. "The end of something that has lasted more than a decade?" Cora nods again and he thinks that she does not trust herself to speak.

"Goodbye then, Cora," he says "and such good luck." He then takes her hand and squeezes it once. In a very feeble and unsuccessful attempt to express his love for her.

"If we weren't in a public room, I'd kiss you one more time," he mumbles, kisses her hand, turns around and leaves the love his life behind.

Before he has reached the door he has to crunch up his face to not start to cry. But he cannot leave this room crying, he has to make it out of the house before breaking down. When he touches the door handle, he hears Cora take a deep breath.

"Robert," she says and he turns around.

She is walking towards him, tears running down her face. And he lets go off the door handle.

* * *

AN: As always, thank you so much for all the reviews, especially to the guests because I can't thank you personally. I think I have caught all the others. Someone said they liked it when stories got out of hand and longer and longer and I think it is your reviews that make it happen.

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I debated with myself whether I should split this into two chapters because it is pretty long but I wouldn't have known where to make a sensible cut and I thought that most of you wouldn't mind a long chapter.

Please let me know what you think and keep in mind that the weekend is just around the corner.

Kat


	11. Chapter 11

AN: This got out of hand.

* * *

Cora

Suffolk House, London – November 1906

.

Sam. She still needs one more Christmas present for Sam. Her son has a fascination for cars but of course she cannot buy him a car, it would be far too dangerous. Although she supposes that they are becoming safer. She could buy him a book about cars and maybe she could find a model somewhere. Sometimes she curses herself for insisting on doing all her Christmas shopping herself.

She wonders if she will get anything at all from Sam. The boy is busy at Eton and still very mad at her. He had hoped that they would spend Christmas in New York but she stoically refused. She does not think it would be a good idea. She knows that Sam does not particularly enjoy going to Eton and the boy had hoped to be allowed to miss another term, just as he did at the beginning of the year when they were still in New York. During the few months they spent in New York, Sam also started to speak with an American accent, something she told him he should not do.

"But Mama, why not? You speak with an American accent too. And so does Henry."

"Henry and I are American, you are English. You are a duke. And don't argue," she told him and Sam really hadn't argued but he hasn't stopped speaking in an American accent either.

As soon as they had returned to England, she had sent him back school and hoped that by summer he would have dropped the accent. While it had become a little less pronounced, it was still there and as far as she knows, that hasn't changed. She wonders if she should talk to Sam about this again but then decides not to do so. Her objecting would probably not be helpful.

She decides to go home and look for a present for Sam another time.

Once she is in her own room again, she asks Sully for a cup of tea and the evening paper. She does not want to do anything besides reading and sitting in her room before dinner, but when she opens the paper, she nearly drops the tea into her lap.

.

 _Earl dies in riding accident on his estate_

 _The Earl of Grantham died in a riding accident on his estate late last night. Why the Earl went riding out so late is unknown. He is succeeded by his son Robert, the Viscount Downton who does not want to use his father's title until after the funeral ceremony to be held three days from now._

.

She does not continue to read the article, there is no reason to do so, there is only one thing to do and that is to plan a trip to Downton. She will have to stay at a hotel in York the night before the funeral as she does not see any possibility for her to actually stay at Downton Abbey. She could probably pay her respects the day before the funeral and mention how uncomfortable it would be to travel all the way back to York just for one night, but she would impose on a grieving family.

She is sure there will be guests at the Abbey the night before the funeral but she does not want to be one of them. Robert loved his father dearly and will be devastated. If she were to stay in his house, it would probably make him feel much more uncomfortable than he already feels. She will attend the funeral service, when she gives her condolences to the family she will in all likelihood be asked to the Abbey for supper along with a string of other guests and then she will leave again. She knows it won't be a lot of comfort for Robert, but hopefully some. She hopes that it will comfort him to know that she was there, even if she can't be there for him.

.

When she sits on the train to York one and a half days later the rumbling of the wheels on the tracks puts her into a state of half-sleep and the fateful night from January that year that she feels changed her life replays itself in her mind.

.

 _"So this is it then?" Robert asks. "The end of something that has lasted more than a decade?" She nods again because she does not trust herself to speak._

 _"Goodbye then, Cora," Robert says "and such good luck." He then takes her hand and squeezes it once. She wonders if this was Robert's way of saying 'I love you'. How much she would like to kiss him in this moment. But they are in a public room and she is about to accept another man's proposal._

 _"If we weren't in a public room, I'd kiss you one more time," Robert mumbles, kisses her hand, turns around and leaves._

 _The wheels in her head are set in motion now. She wants to marry Henry, she wants a relationship that leads somewhere, a relationship she does not have to hide, a father for Sam. But watching Robert leave feels as if it was love that was leaving her and she knows that she does not love Henry. Not as passionately as she loves Robert. She has no idea what to do, she cannot think clearly anymore._

 _When Robert touches the door handle, when he is about to open the door, when he is about to leave her, she takes a deep breath._

 _"Robert," she says and he turns around._

 _She walks towards him, tears running down her face and she sees Robert letting go of the door handle through a blurry curtain._

 _"What?" he asks when he fully turns towards her and she just stares at him._

 _"I,I," she stammers and she doesn't get any further. All she wants is for Robert to come towards her, to put his arms around her, to tell her that everything is alright and that he does not want her to marry Henry Fincher._

 _"Cora, you have just told me that you are going to marry another man. You have to explain to me what you want," he says to her instead and she supposes she deserves the coldness in his voice. But he does not move away when she grabs his hands. Before she starts to talk she stares at them. She has held those hand thousands of times. She lets her thumbs glide over Robert's knuckles. He always brushes those knuckles over her face. She loves it when he does that. And if she does not speak up now, she will regret it forever._

 _"Robert, you said you had no right to object to me marrying another man. What would you say if I gave you permission to object?"_

 _"What?" he asks and there is so much hope in his voice that it almost breaks her heart. How much must he love her?_

 _"Robert, after what we've been through, I think you deserve the right to object. You once wrote to me that you had no claim on me besides that of your heart but isn't that the most important one? At least for us? So if I were to give you permission to object, what would you do?"_

 _Robert shakes his head, looks around himself, looks at the floor and then straight into her eyes._

 _"I'd beg you not to marry anyone else. I love you, I will always love you and if you were married to someone else I know I could never see you again. I wouldn't just lose my mistress, I'd lose my best friend, the person I trust the most, the only person I can say everything to that is on my mind, I'd lose the love my life. So I would object very strongly to you marrying someone else."_

 _She has to chuckle at this. It is inappropriate because Robert has just called her the love his life and she laughs but he also called her his mistress._

 _"Robert, isn't it strange that I prefer to be your mistress over being someone else's wife?"_

 _Robert now smiles a very small smile. One that displays hope but not yet certainty._

 _"Do you really?"_

 _She nods._

 _"The only thing I would like better would be to be your wife. And I once told you to 'never say never' and if I am to believe my own words, I should not throw obstacles in our way. And I don't think I could live without you. Because you are the love of_ my _life."_

 _There is a commotion in the hall then and Robert lets go off her hands._

 _"Thank you, duchess," he says out loud. "I'll find my way out." He smiles at her one last time and leaves._

.

.

"Your grace?" the conductor says and she looks up. "I apologize," the man continues but she shakes her head.

"There is no need to apologize. I was lost in my thoughts."

"The next stop will be York."

"Thank you," she says and she really is thankful in that moment. If she hadn't been shaken out of her reverie, she probably would have dwelled on how she had to decline Henry's proposal.

When she told him not ask what he was about to ask because she was about to say no, Henry asked her outright if she was in love with someone else. She denied it, what else could she have done, but she is sure that Henry did not believe. He was very disappointed and to this day he hasn't spoken to either or Harold. Or written to Sam. Her son had been very disappointed when he had heard that she would not marry Henry after all and quite opposed to his usual behavior he had begun to pry but thankfully given up on that two weeks later. Although it has let her to the question what she should say in the event that Sam asked her again in ten or fifteen years. She hates lying to her son.

.

.

She leaves the hotel early next morning and asks to be taken to the Downton village church directly. She wouldn't know where else to go first and when they reach the church, she is glad that most guests seem to have arrived already and that she can just slip into the church and sit down in the second pew from the back.

She sees Robert sitting next to his mother, his back straight, his eyes in all likelihood directed to the front. She wonders for a brief moment whether Lady Grantham, now the Dowager Countess will recognize her but she doubts it very much. It has been 17 years and while they may have passed each other at the occasional ball during the London season they had both been invited to, they never so much as looked at each other again.

The service is as those services always are. The prince of the church talks about the earl's life, about God and life after death. She believes in those things and it was a comfort to her after her own father's death and she hopes that Robert will find some peace and closure through the funeral.

She watches on as Robert's father is lowered into the ground and realizes in that moment that she has just watched the love of her life turn from the Viscount Downton into the Earl of Grantham.

She briefly considers leaving without letting Robert see her but there is something that keeps her rooted to the spot. Maybe it is the cool air or the drizzling rain or the fact that is surrounded by people in black. The villagers leave the cemetery without looking at the family although some take slight glances and the aristocrats, those that have actually been invited, pay their respects.

She is shuffled into line with them, she probably cannot deny that she is not one of the villagers, but she manages to move to the end of the line at least. When it is her turn, she looks Robert straight into the eyes from beneath her hat and then closes her own eyes for two seconds. She knows he understood she was trying to say 'I love you,' by the nod that he gives her. He mumbles something about her joining the others for the funeral lunch and she wants to decline but then she hears someone whisper to Robert's wife "That is the Dowager Duchess of Suffolk." And she knows she cannot deny the invitation anymore.

So she says 'Yes' and 'thank you' and is ushered into her carriage that takes her Downton Abbey.

When she looks at the huge house with its towers, the Grantham flag flying at half mast, she realizes that for the first time in her life she is going to enter Robert's home. It seems to her as if something had been set in motion, as if from now on their lives would be intertwined more than just through one or two stolen nights a week.

The great hall strikes her with awe. It is so beautifully decorated but yet it looks like a place that people live in. Very rich people with a lot of servants, but there are people who bring this place to live every day. She is ushered into the drawing room, which she finds just as beautiful. This is a place that must be easy to call home.

"Are you interested in interior design?" a woman with red hair asks her and for a second she wonders who this is until she realizes that this must be Rosamund. She must have stared too much.

"Yes," she says and it isn't a lie. After the duke's death she redecorated the entire house. Not all at once, it took her three years, but it looks very different now. Rosamund and she talk a little about the room and the furniture and its history and just when she wants to ask wants when any changes had been done for the last time, she notices a young woman that can only be Mary being reprimanded for shedding a few tears in church. She has no doubt that the woman hissing at Mary is Robert's wife. She wants to slap her across the face.

.

Rosamund

Downton Abbey – The Same Day

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"Who is she?" she hissed to her brother and pointed towards the mystery duchess when they returned to the Abbey.

"The Dowager Duchess of Suffolk," Robert hissed back and she frowned at that.

"Dowager?" she asked and Robert whispered something about an 'early death years ago' she did not understand for a moment but then several things fell into place. Of course she remembered who this was, the death of the Duke of Suffolk had been in each and every newspaper. He had died in a carriage race, leaving behind his wife, an American he married for her money. The American that Robert had considered marrying before he found an English woman with enough money. She wondered what this woman is doing at her father's funeral and decided to find out.

.

She has now been talking to the Duchess for some time and can't help but think that she is a very nice woman and that she would have been the much better choice as a wife for Robert. His actual wife is standing in a corner with Mary, hissing at her about Mary's 'misbehaviour' during the funeral service. All the girl did was shed a few tears and who could blame her for that? She loved her grandfather with all her heart. Rosamund thinks that those tears only showed that Mary is a person capable of love. She sees that the duchess is staring into that corner as well.

"Lady Mary is a beautiful young woman," the duchess says and Rosamund immediately wonders whether the duchess is match making.

"Yes. How old is your son again?" she asks and the look of utter confusion on the duchess' face tells her that match making was not on her mind.

"He is younger than Lady Mary but not much. About one and a half years." She wonders how the duchess knows Mary's exact age, but then again she may have just guessed. But she wants to find out and just when she is about to ask about this, the duchess continues to speak.

"I gather Lady Mary does not get along very well with her mother." Nothing could be more obvious than this and so Rosamund just says

"No." What else should she say? There is no point denying it.

"Maybe I should rescue her," the duchess says, looks at her and then says "excuse me, Lady Rosamund." She stares in fascination as the duchess walks towards Mary and Phillipa, involves Phillipa in a very short conversation that very obviously included the words 'my son' and 'like to see the gardens'. Less than ten minutes later Mary and the duchess can be seen through the French windows, walking along Mary's favorite path.

She then notices her brother staring out the window, watching his daughter and the duchess in fascination with such a loving look on his face that Rosamund knows that the duchess is here for one reason only. To support Robert. And despite her grief about losing her father or maybe because of it, she decides there and then to confront Robert. And to become his ally. She has always suspected that their father knew more about Robert's affair than he let on and she supposes that Robert may need some help.

Her little brother, that little boy who used to hide her dolls and play 'tea party' with her, is now the Earl of Grantham and he deserves every help she is able to give to him. So she walks towards him and looks at Mary and the duchess as well, then looks around to make sure that they cannot be overheard.

"The duchess is very nice," she says and Robert says "Yes."

"When Mama asks about her, I will tell her that the duchess and I have become friends recently and that she came here as a kindness to me. So either you or I have to get her on her own before she meets Mama again. To tell about this story."

Robert just stares at her. So Rosamund continue to speak.

"Maybe you should follow them outside and send Mary back inside before you return. I am sure you can find a reason for sending her away. You only need two or three minutes with your duchess."

Robert keeps staring at her but then he slowly nods and says "come to my room after I've gone upstairs tonight. You deserve an explanation."

She nods, squeezes Robert arm once, takes a deep breath, walks towards Phillipa and involves her in a conversation about fashion. Quite the wrong topic considering that her father has just been buried but it is something that Phillipa likes to talk about and so it is quite the right topic to let Robert slip outside without his wife noticing.

She only hopes that their mother hasn't noticed anything either. But her mother is sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire, an expression of emptiness on her face that quite clearly says that the Dowager Countess of Grantham has no idea what is going on around her. And that she does not care, not right now.

.

Mary

Outside of Downton Abbey – The same day

.

She feels strange, so very strange, walking next to a duchess she has never met. She is sure this woman is match making, her mother whispered something about 'a son the right age' and then told her to stand up straight and almost pushed her towards the duchess when she asked to be shown the gardens. For the past few minutes they have said nothing but small talk, but the duchess now looks as if she was stealing herself to say something of more relevance.

"Lady Mary, please accept my apologies. I did not want to pry you away from your grief. I only thought that you needed a breath of fresh air away from," and the duchess stops and shakes her head.

"Away from my mother. Thank you duchess," she says because she knows that it is obvious that she and her mother do not get along.

"You are welcome," the duchess and looks at the house. "This is a beautiful house," she says and Mary nods. She is usually shy when she meets people she doesn't know or doesn't know well but for some reason she trusts this woman and so she begins to tell her about the house's history.

"Your knowledge of the history of this house is impressive," the duchess says and Mary replies

"I am very proud of my ancestry. Not my mother, but my father and my grandparents. My grandfather was a very good man and so is my father. My grandmother may not seem very nice but she has a heart of gold." She doesn't know why she talks to the duchess about this. It is not of her business, she has never met this woman but she can't help trusting her. She feels as if the duchess knew things about her or understood her without needing detailed explanations.

"Yes," the duchess says and nothing else.

And then she has to cry. She doesn't know why, but she can't stop her tears from falling. She tried to be strong and brave, for her father and her grandmother and her aunt. They did not need to worry about her crying her eyes out. And then during the funeral service her mother kept hissing at her to not show any 'pathetic emotions' and because she did not want to cause a scene, she bit her lip and only let three tears escape. But now the floodgates have opened and she is embarrassing herself and the duchess, a woman who ranks far above her.

But instead of walking away or turning away or pretending to not notice or to tell her to control her emotions, the duchess just looks at her, puts her arms around and says

"Oh, Mary. Just cry. Just cry. It helps and we won't tell anyone." It makes her cry even more and although she does not know this woman, has never met her before, for the first time in her life, she feels as if she had a mother.

.

Robert

Outside of Downton Abbey – The same day

.

He walks down Mary's favorite path swiftly to catch up with his daughter and Cora. As soon as he is in ear shot of them, he hears Mary sobbing. The girl has not cried once since the death of her beloved grandfather, at least not to his knowledge. He had wondered whether she was turning into her cold-hearted mother but now he realizes that all that Mary did was being strong. He is so very proud of this young woman and just as he wants to call out her name, he sees Mary crash into Cora and he hears Cora say "Oh, Mary. Just cry. Just cry. It helps and we won't tell anyone."

Cora seems to have gained Mary's trust within half an hour and he wonders if his strict rule concerning Cora and Mary and Cora and Rosamund never meeting had really been such a good rule.

After he returned from the war, Cora asked him if he still wanted her to become friends with Rosamund but he said no. That had only been something he would have wanted Cora to do had he died. But he thought that as long as Cora's and his affair went on there should be no further contact between Cora and his family. He thought it was too dangerous.

But now Rosamund has guessed the truth and Mary seems to like Cora and he wonders if a friendship between Rosamund and Cora wouldn't be a good thing.

"Heavens, that girl. She cannot go through a day without embarrassing me." He turns to his right and sees Phillippa standing next to him. He did not hear her approach.

"The duchess doesn't look very embarrassed," he replies and he knows that Cora is not embarrassed. She only wants to help.

"But I very much doubt that she will want Mary to marry her son now."

"How do you know that?" he asks and Phillippa laughs her typical high pitched laugh that always causes him to want to run away.

"I am a mother too, Robert," she says and he asks "Are you?"

"Mary!" his wife then calls out and he sees how Mary instinctively ducks. He also sees Cora letting go off her and turning towards his wife. If looks could kill, he'd have another funeral to attend.

Cora now gently nudges Mary and whispers something to her. He hopes that Phillippa addresses Cora first and so she does but not the way that Robert hoped she would.

"I apologize, duchess, for my daughter's inexcusable behavior," Phillippa says and Mary hangs her head. He wishes she wouldn't, there is nothing she should be ashamed of.

"There is no need to apologize, Lady Grantham. I asked Lady Mary a very personal question about her grandfather and I am afraid I should not have done that. So it is I who should apologize. I assure you, Lady Mary has done nothing wrong. In fact she has quite impressed me with her knowledge of the history of this house and her family."

He thought he couldn't love Cora any more than he already did. That moment months ago when she gave him permission to object to her marrying someone else, he had thought that that was it, that it was not possible to love anyone more than he loved her in that moment. But once again she has proven him wrong.

"Well, that is at least something," his wife says and Cora replies "I think it is quite a lot."

"If you knew my daughter, you'd know it was only something," Phillippa replies and he cannot believe it. This woman wants Mary to be the next Duchess of Suffolk. How could she say something like this to the Duke's mother?

"Lady Grantham, I think you give your daughter too little credit. She is a very nice young woman. Although I understand your predicament of course. I sometimes have difficulties to think of my son as the young man he is turning into rather than the three year old toddler he once was." He could kiss Cora just for this but she seems to have provoked Phillippa.

"I see," his wife says and he sees that she is throwing caution to the wind, that her temper is getting the better of her and lets her forget all match making plans. She then turns to him and says

"Well Robert, after that sentimental outburst I am sure you are relieved that you slighted her for me. She is the American that you thought about proposing to, isn't she? Well, she is as dimwitted as I thought and I dare to say that her son isn't much better than her."

Smack.

Phillippa stands frozen to the spot and so does he. Cora has just punched Phillippa right into her face and looks a little flabbergasted herself and there is a wide grin spreading on Mary's face. Cora is the first to get back to her senses and she steps towards Phillippa.

"I urge you to say that you ran into the door because I have a story about you and a certain Mr. Jenkins I would not want to have published if I were you. And as you so aptly pointed out, I am an American. I like profit. And believe me, no matter what story you tell about me, I will profit from your story. It is good, so very good, that everyone will think that this punch was very well deserved. And now I suggest you put some ice onto your face. That door must have been very hard."

Phillippa storms off and Mary has trouble keeping her laughter at bay. He has no idea what to say or do. This is all so very inappropriate, especially on the day of his father's funeral.

"You throw quite the punch," he says to Cora because it is the only thing that comes to his mind.

"Well," Cora says, "my older brother and I weren't the best of friends when we were younger and he was good at boxing. I learned a few lessons."

He wants to kiss her. So he sends Mary ahead who doesn't leave without having thanked the duchess profoundly at first. Once she is out of earshot he turns to Cora and says

"Thank you for coming."

He then explains about Rosamund and she nods in agreement.

"Let's both be in search of a good book at midnight," Cora replies and very briefly squeezes his hand.

* * *

AN: First of all, thank you for all the reviews! I am sorry I did not get around to answering them all personally, but I just managed to finish writing this chapter.

Anyway, I hope the Cora punching Phillippa thing was not overdone. I am absolutely not sure about it, but I thought that something drastic had to happen when they met. And I wanted Mary to have a reason to believe that Cora was on her side. This will become important later on.

Please let me know how you liked this chapter!

Have a good day everyone,

Kat


	12. Chapter 12

Robert

Downton Abbey – November 1906

.

"Rosamund," he hisses and thankfully his sister turns around and walks towards him. "You have to invite the duchess to stay for the night. She wants to talk to me and I can't very well ask her."

His sister shakes her head at him.

"Talk to you?"

"Yes." He is confused for a moment but then knows what Rosamund's raised eyebrows mean. "No, Rosamund, nothing of the sort. That is not what this is about. Not during a time like this"

Rosamund nods and then says "Well then, brother dear, I shall invite your duchess to spend the night. It is still raining after all and a trip back to York might be uncomfortable."

"Thank you," he says and Rosamund nods again.

He briefly wonders when Rosamund will ask Cora to stay but Mary does so before Rosamund even has a chance. Citing the weather as a reason, Mary does not only invite Cora but Lord Merton, the Viscount Branksome, the Viscount Gillingham and all of their respective wives to spend the night at the Abbey.

For a very brief moment he thinks that Mary has a suspicion about why Cora is really at their house but when Phillippa hisses at Mary that she has invited too many people and her grandmother praises her for having done the right thing because of the weather, he knows that all that Mary was doing was to be the hostess. She invited everyone who had to travel more than ten miles to stay at their house.

Dinner is a very subdued affair and for the first time in his life he has to take the seat of the Earl at the dinner table. Phillippa sits opposite him, in the seat of the countess. He hates it. He does not want to be the Earl, he wants his father back.

As he is now the head of the family and Cora their highest ranking guest, he has inevitably been placed between her and his grieving mother. Before they went down to dinner, he urged Phillippa to turn first in a way first that would let him speak to his mother and to his great surprise she does him this favor.

"How are you feeling?" he asks as silently as he can and his mother takes a deep breath.

"I am proud of Mary and you," she replies and he gives a very sad smile.

"Thank you. And besides that?"

"I am feeling as most wives feel when they have lost their husband." He knows he is not supposed to ask any further questions and so he doesn't. Instead he talks about the weather, but he knows his mother well and he is sure that he is talking to her at all is helping, even if only a little bit.

During the next course it is of course Cora he talks to and she stays on safe topics that would not give away that they knew more about each other than two people who occasionally meet at the odd party would. But still he finds a sense of comfort in their conversation and wished that it was her who was sitting opposite him at this table. He could go to her room then later and talk to her as much as he wanted to or if he didn't feel like talking, just sit on her bed and read, her sheer presence calming him down.

He wanted to forgo the separation but in seldom unison Phillippa and his mother told him not to do so when he suggested this shortly before the dressing gong.

When he and the other gentlemen follow the ladies into the drawing room he is surprised to see Mary and Cora standing in a corner, Mary talking and Cora listening and nodding and slightly smiling. As Rosamund is sitting with their mother he feels no obligation to join them, so instead he walks towards Cora and Mary but is stopped by his wife before he reaches them.

"It looks as if Mary hasn't spoilt everything," she says to him and glances at their daughter and his mistress appreciatively. "But then the duchess is an American. But I will not belittle her, she has a son close to Mary in age." He almost says 'She also knows how to throw a good punch,' but keeps silent.

"We should invite the duchess and her son again when we can finally wear colors again. No one wants to kiss a girl in black." He doesn't know what to say. The word 'finally' gave him a pang. His father has been dead for less than a week and he hopes that nobody heard this because it was very inappropriate. Just as inappropriate as matchmaking at a funeral.

He also does not want to risk Cora spending a lot of time at Downton, he isn't sure whether too much public contact between Cora and him wouldn't lead them to make a mistake sooner or later but his wife keeps talking about what a success it would be for everyone if Mary were to become a duchess. He lets her talk. He is fairly confident that Mary and Sam will never marry, not each other in any case but of course he cannot say that to his wife, less she became suspicious of how much he knows about the duchess' son. His wife's babble holds no real interest for him, but it gives him the opportunity to prepare for his talk with Rosamund which comes sooner than he thought it would.

It was again Mary who took over the role of hostess when she announced that she was going to bed. Rosamund and his mother followed suit and that marked the end of the day, at least publically.

About three minutes after his valet has left, Rosamund's unmistakable knock sounds on his door. When he says 'come in' she enters the room holding a bottle of sherry, two glasses and a plate of biscuits.

"I thought we could use some nourishment," she says, smiles, and then continues "Papa would have liked it."

"Yes," he says and takes the biscuits from her.

"Do you remember how Papa smuggled us into the kitchen late at night when we were still small? He gave us biscuits and chicken and whatever we wanted. He spoiled us."

It makes him chuckle. Remembering this. "And now he is gone and I am in his stead," he says and Rosamund nods.

"Robert, he'd be proud of you. Don't feel overwhelmed. You are more than ready."

"I wish I didn't have to be ready."

"No. But as Mama sometimes says, at the end of life, we die. There is nothing we can do but drink to our Papa's memory." With that she hands him a glass, lifts hers and drinks.

"Now Robert. Even if it feels wrong at a moment like this, let's talk about your duchess."

He talks to Rosamund about Cora for over an hour and it feels liberating to talk to someone about this and Rosamund seems to understand. She is a little shocked by how long his affair has been going on, but she does not seem to fault him for it.

"I had a happy marriage, Robert, a very happy marriage. I don't regret a minute of it, not even the grief because it was a manifestation of how much I loved Marmaduke. Your marriage is the opposite of what I had and you have a right to a little respite. I'll become her friend if you don't mind, so I can eventually invite both of you to parties. You are my brother and if she is my friend, you are allowed to spend some time with her at those parties. Just don't let it become too much. But we could always start the rumor that Cora wanted her son to marry Mary."

"I think Phillippa has already done that. She believes it too."

"Then let her. It won't matter if she will be disappointed. She will be disappointed, won't she?" Rosamund asks and he thinks that there is a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"Yes," he says. "From what Cora has told me about Sam, they would not be a good match. Sam is too nice and too soft for Mary. Apparently he does not like arguments."

"Then he is not the man for Mary," Rosamund replies and they both have to laugh.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – November 1906

.

She is impressed. Not only is the library a room that seems very cozy to her, the sheer amount of books and the many first and second editions overwhelm her. She has tried to improve the library at Woodland Castle, but of course it is nearly impossible now to get first edition of novels written around 1800. When she hears Robert enter the room, she says

"Your library is quite impressive," and hears him chuckle.

"Quite a few of my predecessors thought that an impressive library was important to impress other people."

"And will you continue to add to it?"

"Yes," he says and it makes her smile. "But I could use your help." She doesn't know whether that is true, Robert reads quite a lot but she is better-read than he.

She now turns to him and sees that he is leaning against the back of one of the sofas. He always looks so relaxed at night and she is glad that he seems to feel that in his home too. She walks over to him and leans on the sofa next to him and asks

"How are you feeling?" and she hears him sigh.

"I don't know. I am very sad and empty. It was so sudden. But the funeral gave me closure and so many people staying here made me think about something else. But I am afraid that I will need quite some time to put it all behind me. It was so sudden."

She feels Robert take her hand and squeeze it. "And I am glad that you are here. It is a great comfort to me."

"I thought it would help. When my father died, I was busy. I had to travel there and then I had to organize quite a lot because neither Harold nor my mother had done much. Then there were all the meetings with the lawyers and Harold not knowing enough about the business. Those books that I had to pour over day and night gave me quite a headache. But your situation is different. You lived with your father and you don't have many distractions."

"I will have them from now on. I have to take over the running of the estate tomorrow. You know what that means."

"You are prepared for it though."

He sighs again and says "I think so. My father was a very good teacher. But I doubt that Phillippa will be able to run the house. Carson, the head butler, loves Mary and I could probably ask him to give Phillippa the impression that she was running the house but actually leave most of it to Mary. My mother has thankfully trained her for the past three years. But the girl is only 15 years old. She is too young. My mother could guide her of course, but I think I will have to wait at least another five years before I can even think about a way in which I could let Mary run the house."

She agrees with this. Mary is a very intelligent young woman but she doubts that she really is able to understand the magnitude of running a house like Downton.

"Cora," Robert says and she looks at him "Yes?"

"Was it really your brother who taught you how to punch? I didn't know women could punch. I always thought they'd slap someone if they did anything of the sort at all."

"It wasn't my brother. It was my father. When I was 17 and my mother started to parade me around the parties and balls we were invited to, he asked me into his study one day. He said 'Cora my dear girl, you are turning into a woman and soon you will be married to god-knows-whom. And not all young men are nice. So you have to learn how to defend yourself.' I had no idea what he meant then, but he spent weeks teaching me how to punch and kick. But today was the first time that I actually used my skills."

"So you never had to defend yourself when the duke was still alive?" She hears the fear in Robert's voice and she wishes he would understand.

"No. Robert, you know he never did anything to me. He was not a bad man."

"He was not a good man," Robert replies and she tells him what she has decided to tell Sam should he ever ask.

"Robert, he was a creature of his time, position and upbringing. His mother died giving birth to him, his father died when he was twenty. There were no other male relatives, he needed an heir and a bit of money and he also needed to rebel against the establishment. So he married a rich American heiress whose family was considered new money even on the other side of the Atlantic. He drank a little too much and gambled a little too often. He wasn't always friendly, he didn't love me but I didn't love him either. We did not even like each other, so we were doomed to fail. But I am sure that he would have loved Sam very much."

"He also was an unfaithful husband."

"And so are you."

.

Mary

Downton Abbey – November 1906

.

She doesn't know what to think.

A week after her fifteenth birthday her aunt invited her to stay with her London for the first time. She took her dress shopping and refined her manners at the dinner table so that after the end of that year's season she could join the family for dinner and in the drawing room. But she also told her about marriage. It was not much but she said that some marriages were based on love and that others were not and that marriage meant more than living in the same house. It meant sharing a bed and a physical relationship. Her aunt did not provide any more details and she still isn't sure what exactly a physical relationship is, but she is sure that her father does not have one with her mother. And now she knows that he must have one with someone else.

She keeps looking through the space between the door and its frame. She is sure that her father did not close the door on purpose, to not alert the hall boy to his presence. The fire has been going in the library round the clock ever since the night her grandfather died. Her father asked for it, saying that several family members might look for comfort in the library. That is what she was about to do.

She did not expect to find her father and the duchess in there, talking to each other about very private matters, calling it each other by their first names and holding hands. Holding hands. If her father is unfaithful than it must be the duchess he uses to be unfaithful. That would of course explain a lot. Why the duchess seemed to like her, why she talked to her, why she said she was impressed.

For almost a whole day she believed that there was someone besides her father, her grandmother and her aunt who saw more in her than a stupid little brat. That is what her mother calls her. But of course not. The duchess only pretended, she only wanted to do her father a favor.

She wants to leave but then changes her mind. Her father always encourages her to speak up and so far she has hardly ever done. But she should speak up to her father now, after all it is him who always tells her to do so.

She opens the library door and for about a second she sees a look of love on her father's face while he is looking at the duchess and then they jump apart.

"Mary," her father says and she wants to say sorry, but something in her mind overrules her heart and she says

"Papa. Duchess. This is a surprise."

"It is not what it looks like," her father stammers and looks around, clearly hoping for either a whole to vanish in or something that would help him find an excuse.

"Robert," the duchess says. "I don't think there is much room for interpretation. And Mary is a young woman, not a small child."

She looks at the duchess in surprise, who nods at her.

"She is right. I am not a small child and I want an explanation."

"You sound like your mother," her father says and she wishes she could punch the way the duchess can. Or at least dare to slap her father. She doesn't know what to say and it is again the duchess who speaks.

"Robert! That was below the belt."

"It was true," her father says and the duchess gets up. She puts a hand on her father's shoulder and says

"Robert, I know you are hurting and so does Mary. You have clearly overreacted in a situation we have never prepared for but if you don't apologize to Mary now and mean it, you will regret it for the rest of your life."

Her father looks at her and she sees tears in his eyes and knows that the duchess was right.

"Mary, I am sorry. I should not have said that."

She nods because she does not know what else to do. She then looks at the duchess.

"Well, I now know why you were so kind to me. You were doing my father a favor."

"No. I was kind to you because that is what you deserve. I feel sorry for you."

"But only because of my mother." She knows this to be true. Her father has probably told the duchess about his horrible marriage and how his wife treats his daughter.

"I feel sorry for you because of what you are going through. But I was kind to you because you were kind to me and I like you. You did impress me with your knowledge of family history and I enjoyed our conversation about New York."

She doesn't know what to say about this. Or what to feel. She feels lost, as if someone had thrown her into the water in the middle of an ocean.

The duchess now walks towards the door and says "I think you two need some time for yourselves. Good night."

.

"Papa," she says but her father shakes his head.

"I am sure you have questions Mary, but let's go to my room."

"Won't we be overheard?"

Her father gives a dry chuckle.

"Mary, your mother hasn't slept in her room for years. She always sleeps in the Princess Amelia. Even if we have guests, even if it means an inconvenience to the guests."

"Why does she do that?"

"Because she likes the room and it is far away from the family."

"You mean it is far away from you."

"I think we should go upstairs first," her father says to her and she nods.

She realizes then how strange it is that she didn't know where her mother was sleeping. Of course she knew that she more often than not slept in the guest wing and the Princess Amelia room really is very beautiful. But she hadn't known that her mother always caused such an inconvenience when they had guests. She wonders if that will change, if she will now demand her grandmother's room for herself. She dreads the day her granny will move to the Dower House. It will be a few more weeks, her father said that her granny could choose what changes she wanted to be made to the house and she thinks that it will probably be good for her granny to have a distraction. Choosing room colors and finding new staff should be just the thing.

"I don't think I have ever been in Mama's room," she says when they enter her father's room.

"I haven't been in there for 16 years, so don't ask me what it looks like," he father replies and she has to smile. And decides to jump the gun.

"So you are not in a physical relationship with her then," she says and feels herself going as read as her father.

"What?" he asks incredulously.

"Aunt Rosamund said that,"

"Aunt Rosamund," her father huffs, interrupting her. "I'll have words with your Aunt Rosamund."

She will not let herself be deterred. She knows her father well and she knows that if she keeps asking, he will answer. And she wants answers.

"I heard the duchess say that you were an unfaithful husband."

"Mary, you are too young."

"No," she says. "I am not too young. But I have been thinking about it. You are not in a physical relationship with your wife and the duchess knows that you are an unfaithful husband. So it must be her you are using to be unfaithful."

Her father now looks daggers at her and she is sure that he is going to yell at her for assuming such a thing, for saying it out loud.

"I am not using her Mary. I am not using her. I feel very guilty about it all but I am not using her."

She does not understand this, she has no idea what her father means. How can he be unfaithful if he is not using another woman to do so? That is what men do, 'use women to find pleasure and conceive heirs'. Her cousin Annabelle has told her so a hundred times. And if it was something else, wouldn't her aunt have told her about it?

"Mary," her father sighs and sits down on his bed. "Sit down my girl, please." She does as he asks and sits down next to him. He takes her hand and looks at her before he starts to speak.

"You are no longer a child, even though I sometimes wish you were still that little helpless baby and I could try to give you a better life." She wants to interrupt her father. Her life isn't horrible, not as horrible as he seems to think it is. She hates her mother but she has always felt loved by the rest of the family, even if she is not always sure that that is what she deserves.

"Mary, no, please don't say anything, this is hard enough as it is. Your mother and I don't have … what you asked about. Not since before you were born. And you are right about the duchess. She is the reason I am an unfaithful husband. But I am not using her. Mary, I don't know where you heard that, I cannot imagine that your aunt told you that, but not all men use women. Some men do, unkind men. But Mary, there are kind men in this world. Your uncle Marmaduke was one, your grandfather was one. And those kind men, they don't use women. They respect them and some even fall in love. And I am one of those men who fell in love."

"You fell in love with the duchess," she says and her father nods.

"But didn't your wife say that you picked her over the duchess?" She always feels a little helpless when she has to refer to her mother. When she talks to her father she often refers to her as 'your wife' but she cannot do that in public.

"I did and it was the worst mistake I have ever made. I could have married Cora, she expected me to propose to her, she would have said yes. But I listened to my parents and married the woman with the more respectable social standing."

"And then you met Cora again, now you social superior, and couldn't help it." She understands her father, she really does. Now that she is almost an adult she believes that she knows how important love and mutual respect are. Her father and mother are living proof of what happens to a marriage without either love or respect and she feels sorry for both of them. More so, much more so for her father than for her mother but she believes that one of the reasons for her mother's behavior towards her and everyone else is her unhappiness.

"Yes," her father says and she sees guilt in his eyes. Justified guilt she thinks because he does not take his marriage vows very seriously.

"The duchess has a son. Is he my half-brother?" she needs to know this.

"What?" her father asks her with such astonishment that she almost regrets the question.

"Is the duchess' son your son?"

"No Mary. I am sure of it. The duchess and I only met again when Sam had already been born."

She nods. She believes her father. She hast to believe it because there is no way that her father would have another child and not tell her about it.

"When you are away, are you meeting her?"

Her father nods. "I am sorry Mary. I know I left you alone too much. But I never met Cora when you were sick or needed me in any other way. But I couldn't, I can't give Cora up. I cannot end it. God knows we have both tried to end it. But it never worked."

She slowly nods and says "I understand."

Her father takes her hand again and then kisses her forehead the way he used to do when she was still small.

"Are you very disappointed in me Mary?"

* * *

AN: Thank you for all the reviews on the last chapter and I am very sorry about not having updated on Thursday but I just couldn't manage it. It is very likely that there won't be an update this coming Thursday either, we'll see.

I am not sure about this chapter, it did not really turn out that way I imagined it but I hope that it still fits the story. I debated with myself for a long time whether I should let Mary find our or not but for reasons to do with how this story will develop I thought it was best if Mary knew.

I know that the Mary in this story is very different from the Mary on the show but I did that on purpose, because of Cora not being her mother. I think that Cora probably played a large role in raising her daughter and also turning them into self-confident young women (even if Mary sometimes is too sure of herself).

Anyway, please let me know what you think about this chapter.

Kat


	13. Chapter 13

Sam

Suffolk House – June 1909

.

"Why do we have to go there?" He stares at his mother challengingly. He also tried to say this in an American accent. She always tells him not to speak like that which he finds is very hypocritical. Her American accent is still very pronounced. But his is not, no matter how hard he tries to keep the way it is.

'You are an English duke', she always says when he tries to imitate her. As if that was what he wanted to be. He wants to be an American business man but his mother does not see that. Nor does she allow it.

"Yes Sam, we have to go there. And yes, you have to go there too. Lady Rosamund specifically invited both of us for dinner."

"But I am still at Eton. That is what you always say when I want to go to a ball."

"Yes. And you will not attend any balls this year. You can do so next year and all the years following. But going to a dinner hosted by a very dear friend is not the same as attending a ball."

'A very dear friend.' Lady Rosamund is his mother's very dear friend and he knows why. Lady Rosamund Painswick has a niece only one and a half years older than him. Lady Mary Crawley. They've been flung at each other for at least two years now but he will never propose to Lady Mary Crawley. She seems nice enough on occasion but she always argues and he hates that. The only person he ever argues with is his mother but he does not like his mother and he has to live with her and it was not his choice.

"What if I refuse to go?"

"You can't Sam. That would be very embarrassing. Lady Rosamund has also invited her brother and his wife, the Earl and Countess of Grantham."

"The plot thickens."

"What is that supposed to mean?" his mother asks although she knows full well what it means.

"Don't pretend to be stupid. They are coming to look at me, to see if I really am suitable for Mary. And of course I will be, I would make her a duchess."

His mother takes a deep breath but then closes her mouth and doesn't say anything. How he despises her. With her hair coiffed to perfection for no one but him to see. The lines around her eyes and lips that show her becoming older. The high cheek bones. The way she slightly puts her chin forward when she is about to say something she knows others won't like or when she is trying to hide a reaction. God, this woman goes on his nerves.

"If you had done the sensible thing and married Henry Fincher, I would not have to endure sitting through endless dinners with Lady Rosamund Painswick and her godforsaken niece."

This lets his mother fly off the handle. Henry Fincher is still a sore subject between them. He doesn't even know whether he really wishes his mother had married that man or whether he just uses him to upset his mother. But he certainly would have liked to live in New York for a while.

"Oh yes, you would have to do exactly that. Because regardless how little you believe me, even had I married that man, we'd still be living in England. If you want to give it all up and leave for New York the day you come of age and never return, then I cannot help you. But until then, you will do as I say."

He stares at his mother. She has never spoken to him like that. She did not raise her voice, it in fact became quieter. But there was a mixture of determination, resignation and disappointment in it and that is something his mother has never expressed to him. Not resignation or disappointment. And it hurts him. So he nods and says

"As you wish. I will attend that dinner with you."

"Thank you," his mother says and leaves the room.

He dreads the dinner, he is sure that he will be flung at Lady Mary Crawley again and he does not want to be flung. And only because his mother is a friend of her aunts a good marriage for Mary and him does not necessarily follow. His parents must have thought they were well matched but from the little bits and pieces that he found out about their marriage, it cannot have been very happy. His mother never says a lot about his father, only that they did not love each other but that she was sure that his father would have loved him. Which does not help him. He wants and needs a father. A living father.

The responsibility of being a duke, of having to run the estate, of managing the lives of more than 300 people used to be a faraway white cloud in a sunny sky. But the cloud is becoming ever greyer, moving ever closer, the once sunny sky darkening, threatening to pour it all over him. And he is left out on the fields, without any protection from the rain.

If his mother had married Henry there would have been someone who could have helped him, someone who may not have been able to bring him into the dry but maybe bring him an umbrella. His feet would have gotten wet but he would not have been soaked through. He hates his mother for it, for the responsibility she put at his feet and the sword of Damocles she put over his head.

At the same time she tells him to marry only for love but forces him to meet Mary, a woman he could never love. He could never sit across from Mary at his dinner table for the rest of his life.

.

He is of course placed next to Mary at dinner although to his great relieve at least her mother hasn't come. Her father is there, sitting next to his mother, no doubt praising Mary's many qualities.

Once the women have gone through he is left with the Earl of Grantham. He expects the Earl to either start talking about Mary and marriage or to claim that he is not up for port today when in fact he is not up to talking to a 16 year old.

"Duke," the Earl says and he looks up. "Lord Grantham," he replies because he has learned his lessons about etiquette.

The Earl pours him drink, taking over the role of host as they are at his sister's house.

"I won't marry her," he says and the Earl looks at him astonished. "You won't marry whom?" he asks and he wants to explode.

"Lord Grantham," he says. "Don't try to ridicule me. I am young but I am not stupid. I will not marry your daughter. We would not be a very good fit."

"You would be a horrible fit," the Earl replies and puffs on his cigar. "And I don't want you to marry my daughter. I want her to marry for love and that can never be you. It is only her mother who hopes for Mary and you to marry in a few years but Lady Grantham is slightly delusionary in that field."

He is dumbstruck. Why would the Earl of Grantham, a man he has never met, talk to him so openly? And in such a horrible way about his wife?

"Don't you have any respect for your wife?" he asks the Earl and he sees a glimmer of aggressiveness in the man's eyes.

"I have been married to her for a long time," he replies and then says

"It must be a terrible responsibility for you to know that soon you will have to take over the running of an estate as large as yours."

What is that to this man who does think that he is good enough for his daughter?

"Well," he says, "I have always known this would come my way. I only hope my mother hasn't made too many mistakes."

The Earl stares at him for a moment, as if carefully weighing is words.

"I think you should trust your mother a little more than you do. I heard you talk to her in the drawing room before dinner. I don't think she deserves your condescension."

He doesn't know what to say and so he does not say anything.

"Sam," the Earl says with such kindness that it shocks him. "I know you don't have it easy, no one ever does. But your mother has put all of her energy into your estate and it will be helpful to you, you will be handed an estate that finances itself."

"How do you know?"

"Your mother is my sister's best friend. She asked my advice a few times over the last few years and I have willingly given it."

He nods. He had no idea his mother had asked anyone for advice. He hadn't thought she'd care enough about him.

"Thank you for that," he says and the Earl only nods and smiles and then talks about a cricket match that seems to be a regular entertainment at his house and that apparently his team won this year.

.

.

"Mama?" he asks the next morning and his mother looks up from her papers. He has always assumed that the 'paper work' she did during the day was writing letters to relatives and friends but now he wonders whether this is true.

"Yes?" she says without looking up. He realizes that this is not the first time that she hasn't looked up. His natural conclusion is that she is not interested in him but maybe she is too busy with his estate or too disappointed in him.

"What are you doing?" he asks and she answers "paper work."

"What is it about?" he asks and his mother then turns around.

"I am trying to solve a problem with the tenants. Not all of them are as productive as I would like and I wonder why. I don't think they are lazy, so I am looking for other reasons. But don't worry about that Sam, you've still got a year at Eton. Then you can start to worry about the estate." His mother then turns back to stare at the papers in front of her and makes some notes.

"You've asked the Earl of Grantham for help."

She looks up again and looks him squarely in the face.

"I am not an expert on running an estate and Lady Rosamund suggested asking her brother. I am glad he agreed. I wonder if he isn't too mild mannered sometimes and if he always keeps everything that is important in mind, but he is good at what he is doing."

"He is married, isn't he?"

"Yes," his mother says and there is an unreadable expression on her face. "I've met his wife. Every single man in London should be glad that Lady Mary is not like her. She must marry someone and if she was like her mother I'd feel very sorry for her future husband."

"He seems like a nice man. Why did he marry such a woman?" His mother gives a dry chuckle at this.

"Why did your father marry me? He needed money of course."

He nods. His mother has turned back to her desk and he keeps staring at her. He wonders about the effort she makes every day, dressing and redressing several times, having her hair done at least twice. And still apparently running the estate.

"Mama?" he asks again and she says "yes?" again.

"Why are you doing all of this? The estate, the dinners, the parties, always looking as if you were ready to meet the queen."

"Why?" she asks.

"Yes. Why. You could have moved back to New York after my father's death." His mother begins to look very angry and he shakes his head.

"No Mama, please don't get upset. You could have moved to New York and have had an easier time of it. But you chose to stay in England and do all of these things that I am sure you do not enjoy."

His mother now smiles, gets up and then takes his hands in hers.

"Oh Sam. It is not as easy as that. This is all yours and I want to give you an easy start when you become the Duke of Suffolk in more than just your title. When you have to live up to that title. I don't want you to have a reason to struggle."

"But you've made life a lot harder for you that way."

"Yes," his mother says and ruffles his hair.

"Why?" he asks again because he does not understand.

"Sam, you are my son and I love you. That is why. And you will understand it all the moment you hold your first child."

He nods. It is hard for him to hide his tears now. He has never felt so bad about himself. For years he has almost despised his mother for taking away the possibility of a father for him. But he never saw what she was doing, what this sort of life means for her, what she is putting herself through.

"Thank you," he chokes out and his mother smiles at him. He is almost sure that she sees the tears in his eyes but she does not comment on them. Instead she leans forward, kisses his forehead the way she used to do when he was still small and says "You are very welcome my dear boy."

He nods and then mumbles something about going to his room. His mother returns to her work and he walks into the entrance hall. But instead of going upstairs into his room, he asks for his coat, hat and a carriage.

"Where to, your grace?" the coachman asks and he says "Grantham House."

* * *

AN: Next chapter includes Mary's perspective, you'll find out whether she is/was disappointed in her dear Papa then.

As always, thank you so much for the many reviews on the last chapter! They keep me writing :)

I cannot promise an update on Thursday but it may wake out.

Please let me know what you think about this chapter.

Have a good week everyone,

Kat


	14. Chapter 14

Mary

Grantham House – June 1909

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"Papa, you can dance with her now," she whispers when she lets go off him. This is her coming out ball, it has been going on for hours and to her it seems as if her father had danced at least twice with every other woman in the room except for the Duchess of Suffolk. Of course he only danced the one obligatory dance with her mother, but she doubts that anyone expected anything else.

"Mary, I don't want to ruin this night for you," her father says and she shakes her head.

.

Her father always feels so guilty about the affair when in her eyes he shouldn't. When he asked her if she was disappointed in him the day of her grandfather's funeral, she told him that she needed to think about it. She left his room then but not without kissing her father's cheek, a gesture that brought tears to his eyes. When she lay in bed that night she thought about what she had found out and what her father had told her.

She thought about her mother and the duchess and couldn't stop from crying because she thought that if her father hadn't been so stupid when he was nineteen, the duchess would be her mother and she seemed such a kind woman.

She couldn't deny that she was surprised that her father did not honor his marriage vows. She always thought of him as an honorable man. And her father was an honorable man and so she thought that there must be more to it and she watched her father and the duchess closely the next day.

The duchess was clearly not a woman who liked to leave her bed for breakfast because she looked incredibly tired when she entered the dining room in the morning but as soon as her father looked her, she seemed to cheer up. And the same seemed to happen to her father, as much as that was possible with a room full of strangers, a day after his own father's funeral. And although they hardly spoke to each other and hardly looked at one another, now that she knew what to look for, she thought that she could see a strong bond between them. She is sure that no one besides her and her aunt was able to see it and so it did not worry her. And then she realized that maybe there was something honorable in her father's affair, that maybe it was different than the affairs that her mother had. Her mother was always on the verge of creating a scandal that would drag the whole family down, but her father was very careful. And while she suspected her mother's affairs to be an act of unfeeling rebellion, her father's affair was a love affair. In a way, there was honor in having an affair with the same woman for years and years. And so, two days later, she told her father that she was in fact not disappointed in him and that if he needed her help, she would give to him.

Her aunt befriended the duchess shortly after the funeral and because she spends a lot of time with her aunt, she came to know the duchess and this very kind-hearted woman who seems such an unlikely friend to her aunt became something between a friend and a guardian to her. As all of London interpreted this as a sure sign that a marriage between the Duke of Suffolk and Lady Mary Crawley was in the making, no one ever suspected anything else. And so she invited the Duchess to her coming out ball and no one thought this strange.

.

"Papa, you are the last man on earth who could ruin this for me," she says to him but her father still looks unsure.

"Papa, you have danced more dances with me than with anyone else. You opened this ball with me and you made it possible for me to meet all these wonderful people. And so far you haven't threatened to kill any of the men who danced with me."

It makes her father smile as she had hoped it would.

"Don't ruin this night for you by not dancing with her when you have the chance."

"Thank you Mary," she father says and kisses her on the cheek. She steps of the dance floor and when Tony Foyle, Lord Gillingham's son, asks her to dance this dance with him, she shakes her head because she wants to watch her father dance with the woman who he realized too late was the love of his life.

Because it is late and half the guests have already left, the dance floor is almost empty and it seems as if most eyes were turned to watch her father when he asks the duchess to dance. She thinks that the moment the music starts just about everybody in the room must have noticed the love between her father and the duchess. They start to dance and the few people on the dance floor back away and watch until there is only the one couple left. It seems to her as if the orchestra was playing an especially long song and as if everyone in the room, including the servants, was mesmerized.

.

Cora

Grantham House – June 1909

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It is difficult for her not to cry when the music ends. Robert and she haven't danced together for over a decade, even if they attended the same balls sometimes during the season. This has been the most wonderful dance of her life. It felt so natural, as if their movements had been very well practiced and it felt so right to be seen together with Robert publically.

Once the music ends he says "I have to let go off you now" and she nods and says an audible 'thank you for the dance, Lord Grantham', that she hopes most people heard. Just to make sure that there won't be any rumors about them. She walks over to Rosamund and says to her "I didn't know your brother was such a good dancer,", again to make sure that there won't be any rumors about them because the worst thing that could happen to her was for Sam to find out about Robert and her.

Sam and she have been through a difficult two years now. Sam was highly disappointed that she didn't marry Henry and before she refused Henry she had no idea how disappointed Sam would be. The boy had envisioned himself living in New York for a while and then moving back to England with a father, with someone to help him. And he took it quite personally that she destroyed those dreams. In hindsight, she should have talked to Sam about it a little more and more than that, she should have assured him that she was taking care of his estate and his fortune. When Robert told her two weeks ago that Sam had been afraid that she was mismanaging what was his, she felt like a failure. Although she is sure that she did not mismanage, Woodland Castle and everything that goes with it is a well-run concern, running much smoother than its counterpart Downton Abbey. Nevertheless, she felt that she should have told Sam about it, that she should have talked to him more about it. In her attempt to take the worry away from him she actually put it at his feet by not telling him that everything was going well.

Things have now become much better between Sam and her, especially after Sam talked to Robert without her knowing it. Sam asked Robert for more help, especially for himself, when he has to take over the running of the estate. Robert, nice and kind man that he is, offered all the help that he could give and when Sam told her that he asked for help she promised him that she would not move out of Woodland Castle and into the Dower House the moment he came of age. And she would help him too, if that was what he wanted. He accepted the help and said 'thank you'. But if he were to find out now that her relationship with Robert was more than a loose friendship based on her close friendship to his sister, Sam would stop to trust both Robert and her. And things would go downhill. Steeply. Very steeply.

"Duchess," a screeching voice says next to her and when she turns she looks straight into the eyes of Phillippa, Countess of Grantham. She hates that woman. It was easy for her to forgive Robert, she learned over time to forgive herself but somehow she cannot forgive Phillippa, although concerning the mess that this woman created by catching Robert's parents' eyes is certainly not her fault.

"Lady Grantham," she says and can hardly stop wincing. She hates addressing this woman as 'Lady Grantham', because somewhere, deep down, she feels that the title should be hers. She is after all the woman Robert loves, even if she is not the one his parents allowed to save the estate.

"It is good of you to come, but I do wish you had brought your son." Of course Phillippa wishes for that, the woman is hoping for an announcement at the of the season, but even if Sam and Mary were ever to fall in love, under no circumstance would she allow her not yet 17 years old son to become engaged. He is too young.

"My son is still at Eton. I don't think he should attend any balls before he has finished school." Phillippa nods at that says "of course, of course". She doesn't know what else to say and hopes for Rosamund to rescue her, but Phillippa suddenly touches her arm and leans in as if she wanted to tell her a secret.

"Robert seemed to enjoy your dance," she whispers in her ear and she is flabbergasted. And scared. Because what if Phillippa knew? What would she and Robert do then? What would happen to them?

"I am glad if Lord Grantham did not think it a burden."

"Oh no, he did not. We all admire you and your son." The relief that washes over her feels better than a cool bath on a hot summer's day. This is still about Mary and Sam. "And I think it transported him back to his youth because you two have shared dances before." Again she doesn't know what to say and again Robert's wife just keeps talking. "I hope it won't remind him of his youth too much. I don't want him to come to my,"

In that moment Rosamund grabs Phillippa's glass and says rather loudly "you must be so exhausted my dear. Planning and holding the ball, not to mention Mary's presentation. Why don't you go to bed? I am sure that Robert and I will be able to continue hosting this ball for the few young people remaining."

To her very great surprise Phillippa complies and leaves and when she walks away, Cora notices her swaying a little. This woman had more to drink than was good for her.

"Why did she listen to you?" she asks Rosamund and her friend shrugs her shoulders. "I suppose she is tired. And she doesn't know," she adds, leaves the sentence hanging and grins. Cora knows what she means and nods.

"This house is packed," Rosamund goes on. "Phillippa has dozens of relatives who all thought they had a right to stay here. Robert and Mary are sleeping at my house. It is of course very nice for Mary. Robert was very kind and agreed to sleeping in the family wing so that Mary would have the guest wing all to herself. But I am sure that Robert will enjoy sleeping in peace and quiet for once." She knows what Rosamund is saying. Her best friend maintains a policy that still stems for her marriage and forbids any servant to enter the family wing unless specifically rung for or to make the beds and clean the rooms at 11 am every morning. Fires have to be laid at night large enough to last till morning.

Robert and she have made use of this before. Rosamund tends to invite too many people to her house parties, in fact she invites so many people that her closest friend sometimes has to sleep in the family wing. Most rooms have doors that connect them to other rooms and Cora usually sleeps in a room next to Rosamund's, with Robert sleeping next to the room that was Maramduke's dressing room and thankfully has a connecting door not only to Rosamund's room. Rosamund and she usually switch rooms then in the middle of the night and then back again in the morning although she has had to promise her best friend that all 'activities' as she put it should be done in Robert's room. She has never lain down in Rosamund's bed.

Of course she can't say anything now but she smiles at Rosamund and knows that she understood. There is nothing suspicious about her staying with Rosamund as Sam has been invited to spend a few days with a friend from school and is thus not home. There is of course the slight danger that one of Rosamund's servants could become suspicious but she is a very regular guest at her house when Robert is not there and usually stays with her when she is only going to London for a few days outside of the season and does not want to open Suffolk House.

.

Robert

Painswick House – June 1909

.

"Thank you," he says to his valet and watches him leave. He sits down on his bed because he isn't ready to go to sleep with. His darling Mary, his only child, has had her coming out ball today. She is now, in many ways an adult. He hopes she won't get married too soon and leave Downton, he would miss her exceedingly. It is hard for him to grasp how many years have passed since the moment that the tiny little child was put into his arms by a wet nurse whose name he does not remember. His little girl had looked at him then questioningly, as if she was asking who he was and he said

"I am your Papa and I love you very much." Mary closed her eyes then, as if that had made her feel better. He had sworn to himself then that he would protect her from whatever harm and evil could possibly come her way. He thinks that on the whole he has fulfilled this promise. And he knows that he is not done yet. His daughter still needs him, she will need his protection until she has found a husband. The right husband for her. So far, none of the men available would be right for Mary. Maybe Anthony Foyle or Evelyn Napier, but Anthony Foyle isn't intelligent enough and Evelyn Napier does not like to argue a lot. The same is of course true for Sam Suffolk. Patrick Crawley is a nice young man and the future Earl of Grantham but he too does not seem right for Mary. But there is time, there is time.

His wife of course has a different view on things. She has started to talk to him more, a fact that does not bring him any joy. She only ever talks about marriage prospects for Mary and to her there are only two options. Sam Suffolk who would make Mary a duchess or Patrick Crawley who would make her a Countess and keep the estate and the money in the family. But this is something that needs more consideration, he does not want Mary to repeat his mistake. If he had only married Cora, their lives would be so different.

"Robert?" he hears Cora ask and for a moment he thinks that he must be dreaming but when he looks up she really is in his room. He hasn't seen her on her own for six weeks now, there wasn't any time, and he is sure that his face has just lit up.

"Darling," he says, walks towards her and puts his arms around her.

"This was Rosamund's idea," she mumbles into his chest and he replies "All hail queen Rosamund." It makes Cora chuckle.

"How are you?" she asks and he knows what she means, so he tells her about his feelings on the day his daughter was officially introduced to society.

"I wonder how much longer we can keep up the pretense that Sam is interested in Mary," he says and Cora shrugs her shoulders. "At least until the end of this season. And with you having turned into Sam's mentor, it might be enough for one more season. But eventually we have to let it drop."

He nods.

"Do you really think I am Sam's mentor?" Cora laughs at this and then sits down on his bed.

"He hasn't talked of anything or anyone besides you for the last two weeks. Although I dare say it will become less over time. But he is glad that he has someone to turn to now."

"I am glad I can be of help," he says. He genuinely likes Sam, the boy has a good head on his shoulders and no matter how he pretends to not care too much about his mother, he actually cares about her a very great deal.

"Thank you, Robert," Cora says and he sits down next to her.

"Don't thank me for that, my darling. There is nothing you will ever have to thank me for. Because of me your life is the way it is and I will never be able to come even close to making up for it."

"I love you," Cora replies and takes his hand in hers. He uses his free hand to hold her face and then kisses her. He is so thankful to her for putting up with all of this.

"I've missed you," she mumbles against him and he nods and puts his hands in her hair. They get lost in each other, of course they do, it's what they always do. They are always overpowered by their feelings and desires and they let it happen. They trust each other fully and completely, have done so for a very long time and cannot live without it anymore. They are taking it slow today because that is what he needs on a day like this. This is not about passion but about love.

As they always do, they end their love making with Cora next to him, her head on his right shoulder, her right hand on his chest, his right arm around her.

"I love you too," he says to her and she moves even closer to him. She falls asleep in his arm then, something she often does and it is a feeling he loves. He loves to watch her sleep, he loves the weight of her head on his shoulders, he even loves when she eventually turns away from him, still asleep and lies down on her side of the bed. She does it every time they fall asleep holding each other and it is all so familiar. Without thinking he lets go off her at the right moment, then moves towards her a little, puts his hand on her hip and falls asleep as well.

.

Mary

Painswick House – June 1909

.

She can't sleep. She isn't excited anymore, she feels in fact quite flat. She enjoyed her presentation, even if it was with her mother and she enjoyed her ball even more. The ball had mainly been organized by her grandmother and aunt and was a huge success.

And now it's over. Weeks, months of preparation for the perfect day, excitement, nervousness all came to their peek yesterday and the prospect of attending several balls a week now doesn't seem as appealing anymore now that the last dance of the most important ball of them all has already been danced.

Now the balls will be about finding a husband as neither Sam Suffolk nor Patrick Crawley are acceptable to her. She wants to find the right husband, one who can offer her a position but also loves her. And she has no idea how to do that. And she feels as if none of the four people she could ask could be of any help.

Her father married a woman he did not love to safe the estate, a woman he has despised for more than one and a half decades now.

Her aunt married out of love but it did not give her a position. She brought the position for husband into the marriage with her but still could never shake off the stigma of 'banker's wife'.

Cora was able to further her social standing as much as possible, only one stop short of becoming a royal, but she married a man she did not love and would at best have learned to respect for the love he could have born for her children had he not died in an accident that seems to have been his fault.

Her grandmother married a man she did not love and never learned to be able to fully love, even if it would have been possible, she is not sure about it. But her grandmother's grief on the death of her husband surely spoke of a strong attachment. But whether it was love she doesn't know and it appears that neither does her grandmother.

As she always does when she feels flat, she seeks out her father. They do not necessarily talk about what she feels, both of them are not good at talking about their feelings, but they are good at taking each other's minds of things. Because of the lack of a son, a loving and sensible wife and any further children, her father began very early on to tell her about the estate and that is what they talk about most often. She probably knows more about farming and tenants than any other girl presented with her.

Ever since her father's return from the Boer War and her consequent two months stay in his room, she has taken to entering his room at all times of the day and night. She knows that strictly speaking she should probably not see her father in his pajamas but she wouldn't know why not. It is not as if they never met each other in the hallway when they were going to the bathroom late in the evening. She has campaigned for on suite bathrooms for ten years now, but to no avail. There is a bathroom connected to her mother's room but of course no one except for her mother uses it.

So just as she has done countless times before she briefly knocks on her father's door and then opens it without waiting for an answer. What greets her is a sight she has never seen before but immediately wishes she could see every day.

Her father is sleeping on his back with Cora right next to him, sleeping on her front, one arm under her head, one arm wrapped around her father's arm. She should have guessed of course that Cora would be in her father's room but she is glad that she didn't because this is certainly a picture of true love. This is what she wants. She just needs to find it before marrying. And before the man who could give her this kind of love married someone else.

"Mary," Cora says in that moment and the duchess looks so embarrassed that Mary has to stifle a laugh.

"I wanted to talk to Papa," she whispers. "But it isn't urgent. Go back to sleep. And think about telling Sam." With that she closes the door and goes to her aunt's room.

Her aunt is obviously awake as she is singing a rather screeching and out of tune version of 'What shall we do with a drunken sailor' that makes Mary think the Royal Navy could probably make use of her aunt's singing. As a weapon to scare away enemies.

* * *

AN: I know that based on what Rosamund and Mary talk about in Series 1, Mary must have been presented a year or two later than she is in this story, but I think that Phillippa wanted to do this as early as possible.

As always, thanks again for the many reviews on the last chapter! I am glad that so many of you liked Sam's perspective. He will play a bigger role in this story than in the 'original', as will Mary.

For those of you who asked, Matthew and Lily (another one of my OCs for this universe) will enter the picture soon and may change the characters' relationships a bit. Everything may turn out not be as it seems.

Anyway, I hoped you liked this chapter!

I was sure that I would be able to update again on Sunday, but I woke up this morning rather sick, so I cannot make any promises.

Please let me know what you think about this chapter!

Have a great day,

Kat


	15. Chapter 15

Sam

Downton Abbey – May 1912

.

He seeks out Robert as soon as Murray has finished telling the Earl that the entail can't be broken.

"So there is no chance?" he asks and Robert shakes his head.

"I am afraid not. I have to think about what to do now. If I could pass on the title to Mary as well, I'd try a private bill in parliament. But I can't, Mary cannot have the title."

He nods and understands. Robert has been worrying about what to do for the past few weeks. He knows Robert would like to make Mary his heiress, that his mother and wife in seldom agreement want him to make Mary his heiress, but still the Earl of Grantham has doubts. And Sam, the Duke of Suffolk understands those doubts. Robert would rip estate and title apart and he does not feel that he has the right to do that, a sentiment Sam understands.

He understands it just as much as Mary's wish to become the heiress. In her eyes, Downton is hers and while she cares about the title, she doesn't care enough to be bothered by losing it so much that she'd rather not have the estate and the money without the title.

In his eyes, Woodland Castle is his, the money is his, to do with as he likes and he has already taken the reigns from his mother. She still helps and advises him as does Robert, but decisions are usually his. But it was easier for him, he is the duke by birth, his mother a duchess only by marriage and he was always destined to run the estate.

Mary on the other hand, a lady by birth, nothing less and nothing more, has always been destined to marry the right man. In her mother's eyes that would either be him or Patrick Crawley. As Patrick Crawley sank along with the Titanic that leaves him, a notion that was underlined by the fact that he and his mother were invited to the memorial service.

They would have come regardless, his mother is a very dear friend of Robert's sister and over the course of the last three years, Robert has turned into a father figure to him. He is very thankful to Lady Rosamund Painswick for having invited him again and again, even if her agenda must have been marrying Mary and him. That will not happen, but at least in Robert he found someone who took him seriously, who was willing to help, who became a family friend. He doesn't know why Robert went through so much trouble for him when he never saw a future husband for Mary in him. He supposes it to be either pity towards him or a favor his sister asked him to do. Mary says 'My father likes flirting with your mother' every time they meet, but he has never seen it and has told Mary so. 'There may be more to it,' she said but he does not set any store by it. 'More' would in all likelihood mean an affair and neither his mother nor Mary's father could ever be so stupid and disregarding of all rules and values they have imbibed into him. Mary reads too many romance novels, he is sure of it.

.

They aren't invited back to the Abbey until September although he meets Robert in London several times. They are members of the same club after all. It was in fact Robert who asked him and his mother to attend a dinner given for the Duke of Crowborough who apparently invited himself. He knows the man by sight, they attended Eton together for a few terms although the Duke of Crowborough was three or four years ahead of him. His opinion of him is mixed, he seemed nice but very ambitious and he is sure, as is Robert, that the Duke is in it for money that may never be Mary's.

They arrive after the Duke of Crowborough and the man looks less than pleased when they are announced. He is sure that he sees a rival in him. Although he is there just to observe, just as his mother is. Sam is sure that Robert will ask both him and his mother what they thought, Robert likes to ask his mother's opinion. Sam is sure that it is because although his mother tends to see the best in people she also is a good judge of character. If the best she sees isn't good enough, she'll say it.

He often thinks that it is a pity that Robert is a married man. While he is absolutely sure that Mary's idea of the relationship between her father and his mother going further than friendship is completely ridiculous, he does agree that they would be a good fit. He has watched them dance together a few times and just like the people around him, he was always mesmerized by it. There is nothing indecent about their dancing and they don't do it often, maybe because they know what it looks like. They just fit together perfectly. Should Robert's wife ever die, he will suggest a match with Robert to his mother but he knows this is decades in the future. Although stranger things have happened.

The dinner is as all those dinners are, mostly boring. His mother and Robert's wife aren't the best of friends and get into a short discussion about - as Lady Grantham calls it - 'the inexcusable American practice of sending girls to school', something that obviously offends his mother but she keeps most of her thoughts to herself as does old Lady Grantham. Although she looks as if she couldn't decide whether to support her daughter-in-law's views because she hates everything American or to actually support the American because she hates her daughter-in-law even more.

It is obvious to him after the separation that Robert wants to speak to the Duke of Crowborough on his own and so he follows the ladies rather quickly but is surprised when Robert follows him only five minutes later.

"It is as you said," the older man acknowledges. "He was in it for the money and only the money. I told him Mary wasn't the heiress, that I wouldn't break the entail and he lost all interest."

"Fortune hunters are usually very bad husbands," Lady Grantham comments on this and his mother almost spits her drinks across the carpet, something that for some reason makes Robert smile.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – September 1912

.

"So you've decided to give up the fight," Cora says to him when she joins him in the entrance hall right after he has seen his mother off.

"Yes," he says. "I don't know this new heir, only that he is a lawyer from Manchester who lives with his mother. I will have to talk to him of course and then invite him here. I hope he is up to the task. But I cannot break the estate and the title apart."

Cora nods at that and as is her custom when she thinks carefully about an answer, fiddles with the rings on her fingers.

"I don't really understand, but I won't discourage you. But it may be a little disappointing for Mary."

That is what he was afraid of and what he needs Cora's advice on. He is very glad that their friendship has become accepted among their social sphere, and here in the entrance hall of his house they can talk rather freely. Nothing is suspicious about that, they are in a public place and discussing family matters between friends isn't very unusual, even if their discussions sometimes go deeper than they should if they were to adhere to the English rules. But Cora is American.

"Yes. What do I tell her?"

"The truth is always best," Cora says and he agrees.

"I'll tell her tomorrow. Will you be there?" It has become a very well-known and accepted fact that Cora has turned into a guiding figure, almost a mother figure for Mary and thus her presence at such a talk will surprise no one. Not the servants, not his mother, not Mary's mother, not Sam.

.

"So you won't fight for me?"

"I can't Mary. I cannot hollow out the title." The hurt in his daughter's eyes and voice are worse than he ever imagined them to be.

"But I thought you loved me."

"You are my darling daughter and of course I love you. And if I was a self-made man, I'd give it all to you. But the estate, the money, it is not mine to give away. I am a custodian my child."

Mary nods but he doubts she agrees. In fact she looks as if she was ready to pounce. He looks at Cora for help and receives a doubtful smile that is not very reassuring.

"Surely Cora, you must be on my side."

"Mary," she says and the sigh in her voice does not bode well, neither for him nor for Mary he thinks. "Your father is probably right. He would be hollowing out the title and make his heir an earl without the means to pay for it."

"An heir we don't know from god-knows-where," Mary spits out and he feels himself taking a step backward while Cora moves a step forwards.

"Mary, I understand, I really do. Don't think for a minute that I agree with English inheritance laws. Had I understood them when I was your age, I'd probably never have married the duke or anyone else from this country who was after my money. But you were born into this, there is nothing you can do about it."

What Cora said about not having married anyone who was after her money gives him a little pang, even if he knows that it has nothing to do with the current state of their seemingly endless affair.

"But isn't unfair?" Mary asks and he sees that she is hiding her tears.

"Of course it isn't fair Mary," Cora says. "But life's not fair and there is nothing we can do about it at the moment. We can accept it and make the best of it and that is what you should do. You are an intelligent young woman. You will make your way in this world, even without the estate."

He knows Mary is not going to accept that, he knows it before she answers.

"By sitting in a waiting room until there is a man who is willing to marry me."

"You have a choice in that Mary," Cora says. "You have a choice in that my dear girl."

Mary nods, hides her tears and leaves the room in a rush without looking at him again. He wants to go after her but Cora stops him.

"Don't," she says. "Let her get used to the idea. It will take some time for her to accept it."

"But you think she'll come round?" He can see in Cora's slightly crunched up face that she isn't sure and it takes her a few seconds to answer.

"I cannot make any promises Robert, but yes. I think she'll see the merit in it. But she needs something of her own. A position, a house."

He knows what Cora means and he agrees.

"She must marry eventually."

"Yes. Let's hope she finds the right man."

Cora makes to leave the room then, they have always been careful not to be alone in a room together for long but he cannot stop himself from asking.

"What you said about British inheritance law" he doesn't know how to go on.

"Had I understood it I would not have a married a man I didn't love. But I would have a married a man I loved."

She smiles at him them, slightly crookedly but also in a heart-warming way and he smiles back at her what he hopes is a smile that conveys all his feelings for her. She nods and then really leaves the room when he wishes for nothing more than for her to stay.

.

Matthew

Downton Abbey – October 1912

.

Something is not right with this but he does not know what. He thought it strange that the Earl of Grantham – Cousin Robert he supposes – invited another family to their first meeting.

It isn't his first meeting with the Earl but with the rest of the family and his mother has never met any of them. Why would they invite another family, even if it was just a mother and a son?

Robert had only commented that they were very dear friends but as they aren't neighbors, this all seems rather strange. Unless of course a duke and his mother were invited to put him and his mother in their place. But that does not make any sense, as the Duke of Suffolk seems to be a nice young man with a good head on his shoulders and the Dowager Duchess seems to be exceedingly kind. He keeps watching her and Mary and Robert and the duke and if he did not know any better, he'd say that they were one family. A mother, a father, their grown up son and daughter. That's at least what it looks like in the drawing room when the four of them sit together and talk.

He then realizes that his mother is almost being harassed by the Countess of Grantham but before he can say anything, the Dowager Duchess has joined them and asked his mother about her work as a nurse.

More than that, he fully expected to be flung at Lady Mary, the only child of Lord and Lady Grantham but if there was any flinging done at all, then it was Lady Mary being flung at the Duke of Suffolk. However, neither one of seemed to be very interested. Although they talked about someone named Lady Elizabeth Shackelton for a while, a subject they both seemed keen on. To Matthew it seems as if he was watching siblings much more than it seems as if he was watching two people about to marry each other.

On the other hand, some of the conversation between the Dowager Duchess and Cousin Robert seemed a little too familiar to be based only on a friendship between the duchess and Lady Rosamund Painswick. It is obvious to him that Lady Grantham is hoping for a match between the duke and her daughter but she really seems to be the only one. He wonders if these are the finer nuances of upper-class behavior that he isn't familiar with and decides to ask Cousin Mary about it. She should know and while she hasn't talked to him yet she seems intelligent and an intelligent young woman should notice what he has noticed. Whether she is willing to talk about it is a different story but he has got to try.

Because he wants to catch her on her own to ask a rather private question he needs her trust first. He joins her conversation with the duke and it appears that his estimation that she was intelligent was correct. The duke leaves their conversation after a few minutes, something Matthew is very thankful for. For a few moments Mary looks a little helpless, as if she wasn't feeling confident anymore all of a sudden but then she looks at him and smiles and asks him something about Greek mythology. Why she does so he cannot fathom for a moment but over the course of their conversation he thinks that maybe Mary was lost for words and just talked about the first thing that came to her mind.

"My mother thinks the duke is Perseus, son of a god, here to rescue me," she says at one point and all he can say is

"Does she?"

Mary laughs and says "Cousin Matthew, you seem intelligent. Don't tell me you haven't noticed my mother flinging me at the duke." Mary says this with a twinkle in her eyes, as if she didn't really care.

"I noticed it," he says and Mary smiles at him and it warms his heart. "But to you he is not the son of a god on a mission to rescue you, is he?" he asks and Mary shrugs her shoulder.

"There is no marriage down our path. But he has saved me a few times." This of course fits rather well with his notion of the duke and Mary behaving more like siblings than anything else.

"So he isn't a sea monster either," he says and Mary laughs out loud and it is the most beautiful laugh he has ever heard. And while he may have thought her a little haughty just an hour ago, he does not think so anymore.

"You have learned your Greek mythology well, Matthew," she comments and her dropping of the 'cousin' from his name makes him happier than anything else has made him in past few years. Although his life so far has by no means been a sad affair, aside from the fact that his father died long before his time. He keeps talking to Mary and laughing with her and when his mother tells him that it is time to leave he agrees but only very reluctantly.

"What do you think about Cousin Mary?" his mother asks him when they are in the car. He shrugs his shoulders. His innermost thoughts are not his mother's business.

"I thought she was nice enough," he says and his mother gives a very small laugh.

"Be careful Matthew. Be careful."

It is already too late for that he thinks and daydreams of spending more time, much more time with Mary. In his dreams that night it is not just Mary that he dreams of, there are also children in that dream and when he wakes he knows that those children were Mary's and his. He hopes as he has never hoped before that some dreams really do come true.

* * *

AN: So, we jumped forward in time again and finally reached canon (or what there is left of it in this story).

I know this was very fast for Matthew to fall for Mary, but then I have always thought that on the show Matthew fell for her when she walked through the door of Crawley house and that this was only manifested by the conversation they had about Perseus.

I hope you liked this chapter and that I am not boring you with this story (the numbers of reviews have dwindled).

Please let me know what you think about this chapter!

Hope you all have a great Sunday,

Kat


	16. Chapter 16

Matthew

Downton Abbey – March 1913

.

"Have you decided yet?" Mary asks and he feels rather confused. Decided what? When to fall to his knees and propose to her? No, he has not decided that yet. He is sure he will do it, he has got the ring, but he has not made a decision on the time and the place yet. Although he can hardly think about anything else.

"Have I decided what?" he asks and Mary laughs. And he is sure she laughs about him and not with him.

"Whether you'll come to London with us for the season. I've been talking about it for the past ten minutes."

"Have you?" he asks and Mary swats his arm playfully.

"You are not very good at listening to women talking about their new dresses."

"No," he says and Mary looks at him thoughtfully.

"That may make you an insufferable husband," she says and for a second he is not sure whether she is serious but then he sees a twinkle in her eye and it is hard for him, oh so hard, not to grab her at her waist, pull her close to him and kiss her senseless. They have done that before once but he swore to himself to not do that again anytime soon. It had felt wonderful but he had also lost control of himself and he had needed Mary to stop them.

"Maybe I'll find a wife who doesn't tell me about her new dresses but is satisfied with showing them to me."

"You have no idea what you are in for," Mary says and because they are outside and largely out of side he takes her hand.

"Probably not," he says and squeezes her hand, "but I'd like to find out." Mary squeezes his hand back in return. They have not talked about marriage or a wedding yet but somehow there seems to be an understanding between them that a weddin is in their future.

If it was only his decision, he had have proposed to Mary already, they'd probably be married very soon, but over the course of last six or seven months, Mary told him so much about her childhood and her very difficult relationship with her mother that he feels that she needs time. Time to adjust to the thought of marriage, of children, of a man truly loving her.

"Matthew, are you coming with us to London as Papa invited you to?" Mary asks and the proverbial penny drops. That is what she wanted to know.

"Only at the weekends. I have a job Mary. But I will take a few days off."

He knows Mary wants him to accompany her to balls, for all of London to see that although she apparently rejected one or two offers, she is still about to make a very good match. Although he thinks that in the eyes of London society he is a poor substitute for the Duke of Suffolk.

But even Mary's mother has now understood that a match between her daughter and the duke will never be made. That honor will fall to Lady Elizabeth Shackelton, a very nice young woman, who after turning Sam's head when the duke was actually still too young to have his head turned, was eventually introduced to the Crawley and became friends with Mary.

"That is all I can ask I suppose."

"I am glad you are asking. And I will miss you. I will miss how you always have an errand to run that takes you past the train station the moment I return home."

"You have to thank my mother for that."

"Do I?" This disappoints him.

"Yes. But it does not follow that I mind those errands and that is quite a lot to say."

Sometimes he wishes he could tell Mary to just drop the ice queen mask but he knows he can't. He can make it melt for him, it has melted for him in many ways and he considers it to be his job to turn Mary into the person he knows that she is deep down. An intelligent, sometimes strong-willed and sharp-tongued but also slightly soft-hearted person. In short the perfect wife for him, the woman to make him happy for the rest of his life. And he thinks that he will make her happy for the rest of her life as well.

"Mary, could I ask you something about Robert?" This is a question he has wanted to ask for months but never found the courage to do so, or rather it never seemed the right time because after that first dinner, his desire to win Mary's heart overruled anything else, including his curiosity about the seemingly very close friendship between Robert and the Dowager Duchess of Suffolk.

"Of course," she says.

"Your parents," he starts and then all courage leaves him. Who is he to accuse the Earl and Countess of Grantham of not having a happy marriage? Who is he to talk about something that is clearly not his business to the woman he wants to marry?

"Are not a very good match," Mary finishes the sentence for him. "Don't worry Matthew, I would never accept a match like that. I have seen too much to accept a man I did not think I could love for the rest of my life."

"Is that why you showed no interest in Sam?"

"Yes. From the outside, he would have been a very good match, but he needs someone gentle and I need someone who can argue. I am not gentle, he cannot argue. I like Sam, he has become a close family friend but there is nothing more to it and he has always felt the same."

"Wouldn't your father and his mother have been in favor of such a match?"

Mary turns to him, laughs once and says "I should think not."

"Why not? They seem to get along well." he asks and puts all his court room skills into the question to not seem too obvious.

"They get a long too well to want their children to marry each other."

He nods. Mary has just confirmed his first impression. But that of course leads to another question. If their affair hasn't started recently, he may not be the heir after all. Or rather, there could be a contestant, although he knows that legally it would be difficult, if not impossible to have an illegitimate child recognized as heir.

"Sam," he says and Mary turns to him again and looks at him imploringly.

"Sam does not know anything about it. I have tried to tell my father and Cora that it would be better to tell him but Cora refuses. She does not want to hurt his feelings."

"His feelings will be very hurt when he finds out the wrong way," he says and hopes for Mary to give him more clues.

"Yes. Their affair is almost as old as he is."

"Almost?" he asks and Mary gives a light chuckle at it.

"Yes. Don't spin too romantic a story of my father being Sam's father too. He isn't."

It makes him laugh too because it relieves him. He cannot point a finger to the moment he began to like the idea that he was Robert's heir, but now he does, he wants to be the next Earl of Grantham. With Mary as his Countess. Many, many years in the future.

.

.

Robert

A small cottage on the Suffolk Estate – April 1913

.

"That was a delicious dinner. Thank you John. And please pass our compliments on to Sully."

He has to smile at this. Cora is such a kind hearted person. She thanks the servants for dinner, she says 'thank you' when they bring her a cup of tea, or hold the door for her. She smiles at them, she notices them. These are all things that Phillipa does not do and the difference between the mood among the servants at Downton and at Woodland could hardly be any bigger. The same goes for the servants' turn over at Downton.

There are a few servants who have been with the family for a long time of course. Carson who is very loyal to the whole family except for Phillipa, Mrs. Patmore who arrived before Phillippa did and for some reason feels a loyalty towards his mother, Anna who upon the day of her arrival at Downton struck up a friendship with Mary, Thomas who is afraid of not finding another job because of his 'interests' and Mrs Hughes who he believes to be secretly in love with Carson. But apart from those few hardly any one stays longer than a year. His wife needs a new Lady's maid at least once a year and often enough she needs two a year. Even the latest one, a Ms O'Brien who seems to be rather evil has threatened to hand in her notice a few times already.

Hardly anyone ever leaves Cora's employ and as Sam is just as kind as her, he supposes that it will stay that way for quite some time.

"Matthew has asked my permission to propose to Mary," he says and Cora smiles at him.

"We knew that would happen," she says.

"Yes. But I don't think that he has actually proposed yet. He said he wasn't sure when or how to do it."

"What did you say?"

"I said that was up to him and that I was glad that I was not in his shoes."

It makes Cora laugh out loud and he has to laugh too. "I am really not good at proposing. Or proposing to the right person."

"Robert," Cora sighs and sits down next to him. "Please don't dwell on that every second time we meet. That is long in the past and I think we are quite happy. We've made the best of what we have. The very best."

"I know darling." This is one of the things he loves Cora for. She always sees the positive side of everything and she lets him forget about the negative aspects of life.

They remain sitting on the sofa without saying anything for some time and he lets his thoughts wonder to Mary. His little girl, about to get married.

"How can she be old enough to marry?" he asks out of the blue. "Yesterday she was a small baby, crying at all times of the night and day. And today she is in love."

Cora sighs next to him but does not say anything.

"You think me sentimental of course," he says but she shakes her head.

"No. I think the same about Sam. He was so small only a short while ago. And now all he ever talks about is Lilly Shackleton."

"Do you mind?" he asks and Cora laughs.

"Mind? I couldn't ask for a better daughter-in-law. Lilly is the kindest, most gentle person I have ever met. And yet she isn't afraid to stand up to Sam when it is important."

He chuckles at that. Sam has had his head set straight by Lilly a few times, that is true.

"We are both lucky in that regard. Matthew will be a wonderful son-in-law. I won't have to threaten him with wild dogs."

"Would he believe you if you did?" Cora asks provokingly and he swallows the bait on purpose.

"I think so. I am a fear inducing Earl after all." Cora laughs at him now and as punishment he begins to tickle her which causes her scream. After she has calmed he smiles at her and says

"Sometimes it isn't a disadvantage that we are usually confided to a cottage without servants. I could not have tickles you like that in the library of the Abbey."

Cora nods and kisses him.

"Have you ever thought about me at the Abbey?"

"Millions of times and it pains my heart every time I see you at my home and I know it isn't your home as well. I want it to be your home, I want it to be you who sits opposite me at the dining table. I want to be able to look at you and smile at you while we eat without having to fear detection. I want people to say 'those Crawleys, they do not know how to conduct themselves'".

Cora laughs again, so much that tears appear in her eyes. It lets his heart warm and he is overcome by a sudden need to kiss her.

So he takes her face in his hands and puts his lips to hers. She pulls him close and they never make it to the bedroom. At least not until much later that night.

* * *

AN: Sorry for updating on a Monday but I was gone the whole weekend.

Also thank you so much for the many many reviews on the last chapter. You guys rock!

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. Please let me know what you think!

Have a great week everyone,

Kat


	17. Chapter 17

Violet

Downton Abbey –July 1913

.

God, she hates that woman. She hates her as much as it is possible to hate someone without committing murder. Although there have been times when she has had to stay clear of the knives. Or her late husband's pistols.

She hates to hear her talk, she hates the way she throws dismissive glances at Robert and Mary and how she pretends to be a friend of the Dowager Duchess.

Those moments are the worst. When she sees Phillippa and the duchess in the same room. The daughter-in-law she has, an insufferable woman who tries her best to ruin Mary and Robert's lives. And the daughter-in-law she could have had, a kind-hearted woman who makes Robert's eyes sparkle and Mary feel taken seriously. If all those years ago, she had had the courage to stand up to her husband, as she had wanted to do, even if just for a few seconds, life at Downton Abbey would be different. It would be better. Much better. For the family and for the servants.

For a few weeks last year Rosamund and the Duchess had been guests at Downton while Phillippa had been in London and the atmosphere in the house had changed. A grey cloud had left and a few rays of sunshine had broken through. The family had been happier, the servants had been happier, the food had tested better although Violet isn't sure whether that was due to Mrs. Patmore's improved cooking or the fact that dinners had become much more pleasant. As soon as the Duchess and Rosamund had left and Phillippa returned, the sky had turned to grey again.

She looks around the room and her eyes fall on the two couples in the room. Mary and Matthew are sitting huddled together in a corner, talking to each other and laughing. They look as if they were already married and she is sure that soon they will be. Their happiness is perfect, a match between them would be ideal. Not just because it would make Mary the Countess of Grantham but because it would make Mary happy and Matthew as well.

The other couple is Robert and the Duchess who sometimes look as if they were married to each other. They are standing next to the table with drinks, Robert refilling Cora's glass and handing it to her with a smile. They seem to be having a conversation about a cheerful topic as their smiles remain on their faces. She moves closer to them and realizes that they are talking about the Duchess' son and Lady Elizabeth. All of society is anticipating an engagement and a huge wedding and the Duchess of course has the inside scoop.

"I think he will take his time. He is very young still and he does not want to marry too young, even if he has found the right woman."

"She is a very nice girl, he shouldn't wait too long."

"I think she has set her heart on him. She'd marry him if he was the chauffeur and she'd wait for him forever."

"The chauffeur."

"Why not? Sam likes cars, he knows how to drive, he knows how to repair them when they are broken."

"So do I."

"You like cars that are shiny and you know how to drive. But I very much doubt that you could repair one."

The duchess says this so lightly and so teasingly that Violet is sure that there is a joke hidden in there somewhere.

Robert raises his eyebrows and becomes slightly red in the face.

"Don't remind me." The duchess then laughs and Robert laughs too.

"It was worth it," the duchess says and Violet wonders what is behind this.

"Yes. Seeing Rosamund jump out of the car right into a puddle of mud in her newest dress was definitely worth waiting for a car mechanic for an hour."

She has never heard this story although to her it sounds as if Robert had driven Rosamund and the Duchess somewhere and the car had broken down. There is nothing indecent about that.

Although for the life of her she cannot understand why her son learned to drive. She understood that he wanted a car, she understands that he now owns more than one, but why the first task he gave to the chauffeur was to teach him how to drive is beyond her. That's what they have servants for.

Robert told her he liked the freedom of being able to go where he wanted to go when he wanted to go but that would be true as well if he used a chauffeur. The poor man now mainly drives Phillippa as Matthew loves to ride his bike and the moment he saw Robert drive decided the first thing he needed to learn about being an Earl was well, driving. She thought it was ridiculous she told her son and his heir that they would soon be known as the Earl of Driving and his heir but they just laughed at her. Matthew of course drives Mary around often and the girl is very fond of walking, an activity her mother hates.

She looks back at Robert and the duchess who have now started to talk about politics. It does not surprise her that the duchess is a supporter or women's rights and thinks that all women who are of age should be given the vote. She knows Robert does not agree with this, he has said so many times and he now tells the duchess that with him being a peer, there was a vote in the house.

"But what if Mary disagrees with you? What she wants to vote Labour?"

"Mary is a monarchist."

"She may change her mind," the duchess says and Robert shakes his head at her. For a moment it looks to Violet as if Robert was about to brush his knuckles across the duchess' cheek but it must have been a trick of the light and he only scratches his head.

Nevertheless a thought she has tried to keep at bay for months, years, now creeps back into her mind. The thought that the duchess may in fact be much closer to Robert than she is to Rosamund. But she cannot dwell on that because if she knew that Robert was sleeping with the duchess she would have to tell him to stop it because that would not be acceptable. The affair he has or maybe had that Patrick found out about was one thing but an affair with a duchess? That would be very, very unacceptable.

And then the proverbial penny drops and so does her glass.

"Are you quite all right, your ladyship?" Carson asks while he motions for the footman to clean the carpet.

"Yes, yes Carson. Quite all right," she says and sits down.

"God, Patrick," she says quietly but obviously not quietly enough for Carson not to overhear.

"Your ladyship?" he asks but she smiles at the butler and says "Might I have some water please?"

.

Mary

Downton Abbey – August 1913

.

She should go to her mother with this but she can't. That woman has never cared about her. Of course she wanted her to make a good match, Sam Suffolk was her favorite candidate and her mother did what she could to advance a match. When it became apparent that Sam would in likelihood marry someone else, Mary fully expected her mother to ask for them to give up the acquaintance but to her very great surprise her mother insisted on furthering the friendship.

"Who knows what a friendship with a duke and his mother will be good for?" she asked. Mary of course had been pleased. She likes Sam, Lily has become a very close friend and Cora has been much more of a mother figure to her than her own mother has ever been. And so it is Cora she seeks out.

She briefly wonders if Matthew picked today deliberately, so that Cora and Sam would be at the Abbey but she doubts it. If Matthew had wanted her to be able to talk to someone, he'd surely have done it when her grandmother and her aunt had been there. But they are in Scotland, both of them, visiting Shrimpie. But Cora is at the Abbey and she wants to talk to someone, to a woman, so she very gently knocks on her door.

"Come in," Cora says in her unmistakable accent that always makes Mary smile.

"Mary," she says and smiles at her.

She doesn't know what to say, so she sits down on Cora's bed and fiddles with the covers. While she is still looking for the right words, Cora gently takes her hand, looks at it and says "This is a very nice ring." The smile on Cora's face is so bright that Mary does not doubt that she has understood.

"He asked me when we went outside after dinner. He dropped down on one knee and proposed. Then he realized that he had forgotten the ring. It was still in his pocket, so he got up again, took the ring out of his pocket, kneeled down again and asked a second time. I should have found it ridiculous but it made me love him even more."

Cora laughs about this and brushes her face.

"Mary, that was a very charming thing to do and very much like Matthew. I am very, very happy for you. You found a man worthy of you."

"Do you think so? Do I really deserve him?" She still sometimes feels inadequate.

"Of course you deserve him. You deserve all the luck in the world."

"Thank you."

"What did your father say?" Cora asks and she looks at her feeling startled.

"I haven't told him yet. But he knew it was coming. Matthew said he asked for permission. As if I had refused if Papa had not agreed."

"Mary, there is no way in this world that your father would have objected to you marrying Matthew. He wants you happy and he already loves Matthew like a son. What more could he want for his darling daughter?"

It almost makes her cry.

"I wish he had it too. That feeling of complete and utter happiness."

"He does," Cora says reassuringly and she nods. She knows her father and Cora are happy in their own way, she knows they think they have made the best of what was available but she wishes there could be more for them. She loves her father and she almost loves Cora, she thinks she could love her if the situation was different and neither one of them deserves what they are going through.

"Will you help me with the wedding? Will you go dress shopping with me? I am sure that Granny and Aunt Rosamund will want to come and I could use someone on my side."

Cora seems oddly moved by this request and for a moment Mary thinks that she can see tears in the older women's eyes. She swallows once before she answers

"Of course I'll come with you my darling girl."

.

Phillippa

Downton Abbey – August 1913

.

Matthew has proposed then, she thinks. It makes her happy, it is what she wanted for Mary. Or rather the next best thing. She wanted her to marry the Duke of Suffolk, she thought Mary would marry him, they got along so well and Cora, the duchess, became such good friends with Rosamund and Robert. She thought that they had talked about a marriage between Mary and Sam extensively but apparently they weren't surprised when it became apparent that Sam's interests lay elsewhere. For a brief time she wanted to end the family friendship between the Granthams and the Suffolks but then she reminded herself that Sam was a duke and that a close friendship with the family of a duke could only have advantages. Especially if Mary was friendly with the future duchess.

Phillippa does not like Lily Shackleton, in her eyes the girl stole what was Mary's, what was by extension her prize. But Mary did not seem fazed by it, she in fact befriended the future Duchess of Suffolk. So she hopes that even if her daughter will never be a duchess, her granddaughter might become one. Maybe the next generation will think about these matters differently.

She thinks that in that aspect Mary's failed attempt to snatch up a duke is her fault. If she had not suffered under her marriage to Robert so openly, if she had only hit her dissatisfaction, Mary might have been convinced to put in more effort. She is sure that Mary gave up too soon because she did not want to be married to a man who didn't love her, although that is a small price to pay for a duchess' coronet. She once thought, still thinks, that it is a small price to pay for a countess' coronet.

She suffers in her marriage but it is not unbearable. While Robert does not seem to care about her at all, he does not even pretend to care in social situations, he also leaves her alone. She is sure that he is aware of her activities outside their marriage but he has never mentioned them. It is obvious that her lovers are the reason he does not sleep with her, has not slept with her ever since Mary's birth. He could not risk a bastard being his heir after all.

But her child bearing years have long been over, they came to an abrupt end about a year after Mary's birth. She fell pregnant by a lover and did what she had to do. This caused considerable damage to her body. She is sure that Robert knows this, maybe not in detail, be she is sure that Robert knows that she won't have any more children. Not by a lover and not by him.

She has been surprised therefore that Robert chose never to come to her again, to never claim what was rightfully his. She'd have expected him to do just that, to prove that he was superior, to prove that he had a right no other man had. She knows she is not young any more but she doesn't look old or sick, at least not yet and she has often wondered how Robert was able to resist the knowledge that a woman slept in his house, at his disposal. For a while she was even hurt by the fact that he seemed to have no interest; that he did not find her beautiful or desirable.

But she has slowly come to realize that for Robert sexual attraction is not only about looks, maybe that looks is one of the last things it is about to him. She isn't blind, she sees the way he looks at Cora. Cora of course does not look old either and she still has a childish charm, Phillippa cannot deny that.

Maybe that is what draws Robert to her, he after all has that kind of boyish charm that some men never lose. She has long since begun to think that Robert would in fact have been happier had he married Cora instead, she does not doubt that a match between Robert and Cora would have been very happy. She has a suspicion that there is more between them than just a close friendship with Rosamund.

Robert and Cora are very familiar with each other, maybe a little too familiar. She isn't sure whether they are actually having an affair although she would not begrudge them for it. She has no interest in Robert apart from his title and he gave her to that long ago and she does not consider Cora to be her friend. That American certainly is Rosamund's friend, a mother figure to Mary and maybe even a lover to Robert, but she is not her friend. She is an acquaintance she once took a prize from and if that American has now put a hand on the cup through the back door Phillippa couldn't care any less. She is the Countess of Grantham.

It strikes her as odd that she found out about her daughter's engagement by eavesdropping on a conversation her only child had with the woman who could very well be her husband's mistress but it does not anger her. To her, Mary was never more than a child to be presented to relatives at tea for about an hour and to hopefully make a marriage that she could boast about to her friends. Matthew Crawley is in many ways someone to boast about because while he is a lawyer he is also the future Earl of Grantham and thus the title stays in the family, even without Robert ever having fathered a son.

To the outside world it will look as if she had groomed her daughter to be the next Countess of Grantham, to make her interesting and acceptable to the heir. That Mary's reason to marry Matthew is love, that she learned to love from her father is of no matter.

But still there is something eating away at her and it is not the fact that Mary chose her father's mistress as a confidant, or that Robert's mother that old America hating bat has apparently decided to be nice to the American girl just to hurt her daughter-in-law, or that Robert would have the audacity to make a woman he once rejected, a woman who now ranks far above him, his lover.

No. That is not it at all. It is the fact that she will not be there for her second day of triumph. Her first triumphant day was of course her own wedding, the second one was supposed to have been her daughter's wedding. That is what is eating away at her. That she will not be congratulated as mother of the bride. It will take time to organize the wedding, it will take half a year and that is too long. Because what is eating away at her is cancer and that cancer is faster than time.

* * *

AN: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I am really glad you all seem to like this story so much and do not get bored by it.

This is my Thursday update (it is still Thursday in Europe (and West of it)) but there won't be a Sunday update because of family stuff for Easter.

I thought a lot about whether I should give Phillippa a voice or not but then I thought that it would probably add to the story a little if we knew what she was thinking.

Also, I hope you don't mind that I let Violet realize what was going on earlier than in the original story.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of this chapter.

Happy Easter to those of you who do!

Kat


	18. Chapter 18

Dr. Clarkson

Downton Cottage Hospital – November 1913

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He stares at the woman in front of him. He can't say that he particularly likes her but he is a doctor, his job is to help people and it does not signify whether he likes his patients.

"Lady Grantham, I urge you to tell your family about your condition."

"Dr. Clarkson, you don't understand," she says but he shakes his head.

"I probably understand more than you think. But how much I do or do not understand of is not what matters right now. What matters, Lady Grantham, is that you are going to die. But you won't go to sleep one night and not wake up the next morning. You are going to suffer, you are going to become weak. I am sorry to be putting it so plainly, but you will need help."

He does not like to put pressure on terminally ill patients, but he sees no way around it in this case. Quite besides the fact that he really believes that Lady Grantham will need a lot of help and that she can only get that help if she at least confides in her husband, he is also sure that the Dowager Countess would rip his head off if she found out that he knew of her daughter-in-law's condition but did not make the family aware of it. Of course he cannot tell anyone, he is a doctor and not allowed to tell anyone, unless his patient was a child or not able to make decisions for himself. Or herself.

"At the very least, tell Lord Grantham. He is a sensible man. He will take the appropriate measures. And he will eventually tell your daughter if you do not want to do this yourself."

"I haven't really spoken to my husband in decades. How am I supposed to speak to him now? How do you talk to someone about a terminal illness if you have never really talked to that person about anything private before?"

And that, he thinks, is the problem with upper-class marriages.

"Tell him the truth. Whether you do so gently or outright is of course your decision. But I urge to tell him. Your family, little as they might mean to you, need to know about your condition. I imagine they will call in specialized doctors from London and that might be a good idea. But they need to know. If you cannot tell Lord Grantham, tell Lady Mary."

He knows this woman will not talk to Lady Mary. Mrs. Crawley is a very regular dinner guest at the Abbey and her son Matthew is Lady Mary's fiancé. While Mrs. Crawley is not one to gossip a lot, she has had a few choice words about Lady Grantham and he does not doubt that they are true. Whenever Lady Mary fell ill during her childhood and adolescence it had been Lord Grantham sitting at her bedside, reading to her and calming her. Not once did Lady Grantham talk to him about her daughter.

He has heard rumors, a lot of rumors about Lord Grantham having an affair with another woman although those rumors have never been more than whispers among sick patients in the middle of the night. Lord Grantham seems to be a highly respected man in the county. He is respected for a reason, he is a kind and mild-mannered landlord who, to Dr. Clarkson's knowledge has never asked anyone to leave who did not deserve it.

More than once Lord Grantham has come to him and told him to tell a patient that he or she should not worry about the rent, that becoming healthy again was more important than a month's or two months' rent. Of course this is what landlords are supposed to do if they can but he knows that many do not follow those rules. But Lord Grantham is a very decent and kind man who will be decent and kind to his dying wife.

.

Phillipa

Downton Abbey – November 1913

.

She takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. She can't remember when she knocked on her husband's door the last time, she may never have done it, he used to come to her during that short time period between their wedding and her falling pregnant with Mary.

When he opens the door, dressed only in his pajamas, he stares at her as if she was a ghost.

"What do you want?" he asks and is anything but kind. Tears start to sting her eyes and she wants to run away but she has to tell herself that he does not know why she is at his door, he has no idea how she feels.

"I want to talk to you," she says and he shakes his head but before he can say anything, she continues speaking. "It is important Robert, please." He scrutinizes her and looks doubtful but then lets her into his room.

She looks around herself, she does not remember ever having been in this room before. The walls are dark but not depressingly so, there is a case of snuff boxes and she remembers that he collects them. His bed is small, but the blankets look comfortable. The side board is decorated with pictures of Mary, Robert's parents and sister, his sister's late husband and even a picture of Matthew. There is of course no picture of her but apparently Robert hasn't put Cora on display either. There is a fire roaring and a few books are neatly set on the mantel piece. Sherlock Holmes, a few travelogues, one book about Egypt, another about New York, Persuasion and Pride and Prejudice.

"I had no idea you read Jane Austen," she says. She would not have thought her husband to be such a romantic fool.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," Robert says, hostility evident in his voice.

"Yes," she says. It is so very hard for her not retort anything but this is a serious conversation and she cannot be hostile towards Robert.

She sits down on his bed and he looks at her questioningly but she shrugs his shoulders.

"You had best sit down as well, Robert," she says and he asks "Why?"

"Because there is something very important we should discuss."

Something in her voice must have indicated that she was serious and that this was not about a higher dress allowance or some other nonsense.

"Start then," Robert says once he has sat down in his chair.

"Robert," she says and it is now difficult for her not to cry. "You have to know this, Dr. Clarkson thinks so and he is probably right. Robert, I have cancer." There it is out, said straight and clear without any sentimentalities.

"You were right. I needed to sit for this," Robert says and she can see that he is truly worried and moved. "What can be done?" he asks and there is honest concern in his voice.

"To safe me? Nothing. I have already seen doctors in London, even if Dr. Clarkson does not know this. They all come to the same conclusion. I will die soon. I won't make it to Mary's wedding, my body has already started to deteriorate. I may see another Christmas but probably not another new year."

"Christmas?" Robert whispers. "Christmas is only eight weeks away."

"I know," she says although she hadn't realized this. The cancer eating away at her from the inside has stopped all sense of time.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Would you have cared?"

"I," Robert says and then looks for words. She wants to know what her husband is going to say to this, whether she can detect him in a lie.

"Of course I'd have cared. I'd have sent for the best doctors and no treatment would have been too expensive."

"And I went to the best doctors and had expensive treatments. I could do that without your help. And I did not want your pity." Because he would have pitied her, he is pitying her now.

"Phillippa," he says and it shocks her to hear Robert say her name with so much kindness in his voice. "No matter where we stand, I do not want you dead." She knew that of course. Robert is too nice to wish for her death even if her death will make his life easier after a while.

"I know that. But maybe it is better this way."

Robert looks at her shocked and she thinks it is time for an explanation.

"I tried to safe my life, I don't want to die but there is no way around it anymore and I have thought a lot about dying. I found out that I do not enjoy life, I have nothing to live for. My parents are dead and they never were good parents anyway. Had they not pushed me towards you, had they not told me all my childhood that I was better than everyone else, maybe both of our lives would have turned out differently. Yours certainly, but maybe mine as well. Our marriage, if it can be called that at all, has been in ruins for decades and it is my fault, I have realized that now. You at least tried to be nice to me, I never tried to be nice to you. I got what I wanted, I am the Countess of Grantham, that, I am a little sad to say is still all that matters to me. My daughter hates me and I have never seen more in her than a means to an end, just as my parents saw in me. I have no friends. The only person who has been nice to me in the past years is Cora Suffolk but I can still see the hatred in her eyes. She knows how I treated Mary, she is just too kind. And she has not always been nice. Your mother hates me too and so does your sister. None of my lovers ever truly loved me, I don't think I loved one of them, I murdered an unborn child. There is nothing in my life worth living for."

"Phillippa," Robert says again and this time there is pleading in his voice.

"I don't regret anything," she says and it is true. "I cannot regret anything because the way I lived, the person I was is who I am. I cannot help it just as our footman Thomas cannot help who he is."

Robert stares at her and then shakes himself, as if he needed to tell himself to speak.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" She knew that question was coming, she has been waiting for it.

"Yes. I will be bedridden soon. It is already difficult for me to walk or stand for long. When I am stuck in my bed, I'd like you to visit me from time to time. Not every day if you don't want to see me every day, but some days. I will be very lonely and you are the only person I know who would give in to such a request."

Robert is obviously stunned at her request but she thought about it for a long time. She will need someone to talk to, even if it is just about the news or the weather. She still does not like Robert and she finds the thought of him being the last person to sit with her disheartening but he really is the only one who would do such a thing.

"If that is what you wish," he says and then stares at her.

"Please also tell the family tonight. Your mother is coming for dinner, I will excuse myself early. In all likelihood I will truly be very tired then."

Robert nods and stares at her. She wonders what he is thinking but doesn't dare to ask.

"I am so sorry," he says eventually.

"You feeling sorry does not help me." She is not sure she'd feel sorry for him if it were the other way around. She'd probably be making plans for the time after his death.

.

Cora

Small Cottage on the Suffolk Estate – November 1913

.

"I am so very sorry for you," she says and Robert gives a short laugh.

"Are you? Are you truly sorry?" he asks her and if this wasn't such a serious and grave conversation she would get mad at him, but it is serious and grave.

"Yes, darling I am sorry for you. Your wife is about to die of cancer and no matter how little you may like her, I know you do not want her to die. Or to suffer."

"I don't want her to die or to suffer, you are right. I told her so and she said that kindness had always been one of my biggest flaws."

"I think your kindness is one of your greatest strengths," she replies and takes his hand. He squeezes her hand and she draws circles on his.

"Cora, I can't," he says and she shakes her head.

"Of course not. I couldn't either. It would be wrong. It is always wrong but it would be even more wrong now. If that is what you want we could stop meeting for a while." She hopes this is not what Robert wants but she would understand and respect it if it was.

"No, I want to see you. I need to see you. I need someone to talk things over with and I couldn't deal with any of this without your support."

This lets her heart flutter. Robert does not say the words 'I love you' very often, but he tells her that he loves her in so many other ways.

She smiles at him to reassure him of her support and he understands her without words. She will be there for him, in whichever way he needs her.

.

She wakes up in the middle of the night because there is still light in the room. She fell asleep before Robert did last night and he fell asleep book in hand. He has slid down the headboard and is now facing her, still holding his book in his left hand. Usually she would just switch off the light but not tonight. She watches him sleep, quite peacefully, and tries to remember whether his face has always had that many lines. She supposes not. She also thinks that some of those lines will eventually vanish again, once it is all over.

She can't stop herself from thinking what Phillippa's illness means for her. Of course for now it will probably mean less time with Robert and no more visits at Downton although she has never truly enjoyed those visits. They always had to be careful not to appear too close or too familiar with each other and she thinks it nothing short of a miracle that they have never been found out.

Robert will go into mourning of course and she wonders if they will see each other then but thinks that the likely answer is yes. She knows him well enough to know that he will make his peace with it all a few days after the funeral.

Her thoughts wander to the time after the mourning period. Phillippa's death will not only affect Robert and Mary but her as well. Because eventually Robert will be free of Phillippa. Cora does not doubt that Robert will really be free of her, there won't be any feelings of guilt on his part. Besides the fact that Phillippa and he live in the same house and have to attend social functions together from time to time, they are nothing more than mere acquaintances to one another.

She is sure that there will be a point in time at which Robert will think about his future and about a future with her. It is hard for her not to smile when she realizes that in a year or so, Robert will in all likelihood propose to her. She stops herself from imagining them married. Not because she is afraid she may dream a dream that won't come true but because it feels wrong to her to be thinking about a happy event that will occur after and only because of Phillippa's death.

* * *

AN: Thank you so much for the many reviews on the last chapter and also for the reviews on 'Son of Mine' that keep trickling in.

The next chapter will probably not be up on Sunday but rather on Thursday next week. I have planned it in detail but not written it and it may turn out to be rather long. If I don't change my mind, it will feature a conversation between Robert and Phillippa, one between Matthew and Mary and in all likelihood also one between Sam and Lilly. It will definitely be interesting to write the Sam/Lilly part as neither of them actually exists on Downton Abbey.

Anyway, please let me know what you think of this chapter!

Have a great weekend (it is just around the corner!),

Kat


	19. Chapter 19

Matthew

Downton Abbey – December 1913

.

"My mother is about to die," Mary says and he nods. He knows this, his mother told him and she heard it from Mary's grandmother.

"I know."

"I suppose my grandmother told your mother."

"Yes," he says, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.

Mary stares into the distance and he looks at her. She is wrapped in woolen coat and wearing a hat that seems to provide a little warmth. Her breath can be seen in the cold air and her nose is turning slightly read. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.

"I am not sad, Matthew," she says without looking at him and what she says does not surprise him.

"Mary," he says and takes her hand. It feels cold, even through her and his gloves.

"I should be sad Matthew, she is my mother, I should love her. But there is nothing. My heart is made of stone. You are marrying a woman who cannot love."

He shakes his head. He knows it isn't true. Mary has a heart of gold even if it is sometimes hidden in an iron closet.

"If it was your father you'd be beside yourself."

"Probably," Mary says and he knows she tries to live up to her own picture of herself as heartless.

"Probably, Mary? Certainly. You'd sit beside his bed, holding his hand, begging him not to die. You love your father with all your heart. And you feel the same for your grandmother and your aunt."

"When my grandfather died," Mary says and looks up to the cloudy sky, "I spent weeks afraid of Granny dying as well. I don't know why. Maybe because she moved to the Dower House and I didn't see her that much anymore. I would go down for breakfast with my heart beating twice the normal rate and then look at Papa before I entered the room. I would try to see whether he looked very sad." Mary keeps staring into the distance and he carefully takes her hand.

"You see darling, you do have a heart," he murmurs and her hand twitches in his. She does not say anything else and there are tears running down her face. He wants to wipe them away and kiss her and make her feel better but he doubts that is what she needs or wants right now. She needs some time without his interruption. He knows she will talk when she is ready. And so he keeps looking at her, holding her hand, trying to tell her that he loves her by drawing small circles on the back of it.

"I feel so empty," she says after a while and then sighs.

"Everyone in your situation would," he replies.

"My father spends a lot of time with her. He said she asked him to keep her company and that he felt that was a favor he should and could do her."

He nods. Robert told him as much. He asked him to take over the running of the estate for a few weeks. 'It will only be for a short time. I dare say I shall be able to go back to my duties shortly after the funeral.' He didn't know what to say, so all he did say was 'I am willing to help where I can,' and Robert nodded and padded his shoulder and that had been the end of the conversation.

"I haven't spent a minute at her sickbed yet. And I don't know whether I will go to her room at all. She will probably only complain."

He nods. He thinks that Mary is right. Her mother will find something to complain out. The time that Mary picked to go to her, the dress she is wearing, her hairstyle.

"I think you should see her at least once."

"What?" Mary asks and turns to him.

"Mary, I think you will regret it if you don't say goodbye. You don't have to sit at her bed for hours every day like your father does. But see her, at least for a few minutes. Make your peace with her."

Mary now stares at him the way she stared in to the distance only a few minutes ago.

"Do you really think I should say goodbye? I don't think I can. To me it does not feel like a goodbye."

"Would you like me to go with you?"

"What do you think Cora would want me to do?" Mary asks instead of giving an answer. In that moment the wind becomes stronger and they both shiver. Mary moves closer to him and he instinctively takes her other hand as well.

"I am certain she would tell you to say goodbye. She would want you to have some closure. She will want you to have closure."

Mary nods. "If you say I should talk to my mother and Granny thinks so too, then I should probably do it."

"I love you," he says and she smiles at him.

"There is no time like the present, is there?" Mary asks and gets up. He is slightly taken aback but follows her inside.

"I think I have to do this on my own," Mary says before she reaches the grand stair case and he understands.

"I'll wait in the library," he says and Mary squeezes his hand.

.

Phillippa

Downton Abbey – December 1913

.

When she hears the knock on the door she thinks that it is Robert and she is more than astonished when she sees Mary enter her room instead.

"May I come in?" the girl asks and she nods. She realizes then that Mary has not directly addressed her. In fact, Mary has never directly addressed her. She has never called her 'Mama' or 'mother'.

"Yes," she replies hoarsely and Mary scrutinizes her.

"How are you?" she asks and Phillippa can't help but laugh.

"What do you think how I am? I am about to die. I have hardly any company, only your father who sits next to my sickbed because I asked him to do so. We have nothing to talk about. But it is still better than being alone constantly."

"What about your maid?" Mary asks and again she has to laugh.

"O'Brien? She is only staying because she hopes to either be made your lady's maid or be given a glowing character so that she can become the lady's maid of a duchess."

"I will make Anna my lady's maid," Mary replies.

"Anna? The head housemaid?"

"Yes. She has been dressing me for the past five years. I don't see why I would not make her my lady's maid when I am married."

"So you are going to lessen her duties and give her a better pay." Mary is stupid. She should just keep Anna as head housemaid _and_ her lady's maid. They could save money then.

"I am giving her a well-deserved promotion. Papa and Carson have already agreed."

There is nothing she can say. She could argue of course, call Robert and that butler stupid but there is no use in it. Mary will not relent and it really is not her problem. It will in fact be Mary who will have to run the house soon. At least for a little while because she has no doubts that the duties of the Countess of Grantham will eventually fall to the Dowager Duchess of Suffolk. Robert is too honorable not to marry her as soon as he can. He may have kept that woman as his mistress for years but he will make an honest woman out of her as soon as he can.

"You will have to take my place when I am dead. Don't waste too much money." Mary looks at her questioningly and she can see that her daughter swallows a biting remark.

"Granny has taught me all I need to know," Mary says instead and Phillippa wonders whether this comment was meant to hurt her, to tell her that it was in fact Mary's grandmother and not her mother who taught her what she needed to know.

Mary and she both fall silent because there is nothing they have to say to each other. She briefly wonders whether she should ask Mary if she had any questions about her upcoming marriage to Matthew but then concludes that she has probably been told what she needed to know by either Rosamund or Cora.

"I found a dress," Mary says eventually. She only nods. Mary then begins to describe it but she can't listen to her, she can't concentrate. Her ability to concentrate has become much worse within the last few days but she does not want Mary to know, she does not want Mary to see her so weak. So she nods along until the dressing gong is rung.

"I'll leave you now," Mary says and she nods. For the first time in her life she grabs her daughter's hand and squeezes it. Mary looks at her surprised but does not say anything.

"Goodbye, Mary," she says. "And good luck."

Mary swallows once, twice, a third time and then looks her squarely in the eyes.

"Goodbye," her daughter says, let's go of her hand and leaves.

.

Lilly

Woodland Manor – December 1913

.

"I have had a long day. I'll go upstairs," Sam's mother says, gets up, gives him a kiss on the cheek, looks at her and says 'good night'. On her way out she mumbles something about 'should not be leaving them alone', but continues her way upstairs regardless. Sam and she both break into laughter and Sam gets up and sits down again next to her.

"Mary's mother is about to die," she says and Sam looks at her as if he had expected her to say something else.

"That is not a good opener for a conversation," he duly replies and she can't help but grin about this.

"Mary is a dear friend and her mother is about to die. Why should I not want to talk about it with the man I love?"

"You are too charming for your own good," Sam replies and kisses her cheek. But she will not continue the teasing now.

"Mary writes that she feels empty and helpless. I wonder if there is anything that we could do." She has been wondering about this for quite some time, has been wondering whether it would be acceptable for her to stay with the Crawleys for some time after the funeral. Usually families do not take in house guests after a loved one has passed, but this is a different situation.

"Why does she feel helpless?"

"Because she isn't sad. She thinks she should be sad but she isn't. I suppose it must be a difficult situation for her. Lady Grantham is her mother but has never really cared about her. Mary must have had a difficult childhood. It cannot be easy for her."

"No, I don't think so," Sam muses. "Matthew said something about that too. When we had lunch together in London last week. I have decided to make him my lawyer. I need someone I can trust, someone who does not treat me like a child. Johnston does not qualify anymore. I do not doubt that he helped my mother but I need someone different. Mama agrees, thankfully."

"Matthew knows his business and your mother knows that," she replies. It does not surprise her that Sam's mother did not mind the change in lawyers, especially not as it is now Matthew Crawley who does the job, a man who will in time probably be her son-in-law. At least it would not surprise Lilly if that were to happen.

"I wonder what my mother thinks about Lady Grantham dying," Sam now says and she looks at him.

"Why?" she asks because she does not want to open a can of worms.

"She and Robert are friends, aren't they? For her Robert's wife's near death may not only be bad news." She knows what Sam means and is sure that his mother is struggling with this as well.

"Your mother is too kind to feel anything but sorry," she replies and knows this to be true. Sam's mother is one of the most kind-hearted people she has ever met.

"Yes. But I can't help but wonder" Sam says and then leaves the sentence hanging in the air. She doesn't really know what to say to this. She isn't sure what Sam knows or doesn't know or maybe does not want to know about his mother's friendship to the Earl of Grantham. Lilly is almost sure that there is much more to it than friendship. The two seem very familiar with each other and she would bet quite a lot of money that they have spent much more than just one night together. But Sam thinks of his mother almost as of a saint and so Lilly is afraid that there are things he does not see.

"You can't help but wonder what?" she asks and Sam looks at her quite thoughtfully, absentmindedly swinging his drink around.

"Robert does not love his wife. I don't think he cares a fig about her. So I wonder, if after the mourning period, it would not be possible for my mother and him to become closer." She almost laughs out loud at this but turns the laughter into a coughing fit.

"You mean for them to marry," she says and Sam nods.

"Eventually, yes. I think they would be a good match, don't you?"

"A very good match," she says and Sam squeezes her hand, then holds it to his lips and kisses it.

"Almost as well matched as we are," he says and it makes her giggle. She isn't one to giggle, in fact she hates women who always giggle at anything a man says to them, but with Sam she sometimes can't help herself.

"Are you sure we are well matched?" she asks teasingly and Sam looks at her with a crooked grin on his face.

"Very well matched. You called me the man you loved only a few minutes ago," he replies and she feels her cheeks turning read. It was not the first time she told Sam that she loved him but the first time it slipped out just like that.

"Well," she says and looks at their intertwined hands.

"I love you too," he says and it makes her smile. He has said it only once before, right before he kissed her for the first time. She wonders if he will kiss her now but he only looks at her.

"That makes me very happy," she says and hears her own voice shaking and a second before it actually happens she knows that it will happen. Sam slides of the soda, fiddles for something in his pocket and she knows it is ring but can't see what it looks like because tears are already clouding her eyes.

"Lilly, will you marry me?" he asks and she nods, throws her arms around him and then slides of the sofa too.

"Of course I will," she whispers. "Of course."

Sam then kisses her and pushes her into the sofa although he stops before she feels uncomfortable. He gets up and holds out his hand to her.

"We do not need to this on the floor," he says and she shakes her head. "And if you don't want to do this now, then we don't have to at all," he says and smiles at her.

"Give some time Sam," she says and he nods, leans forward, gives her one quick peck on the lips, then runs his hand over her face and says "We have all the time in the world, my darling. Would you like a drink to celebrate?" She wants to kiss him now. She knows that Sam does not necessarily think that they should wait until they are married, which is a stark contrast to his blindness concerning his mother. But he has never pushed her, he only made it clear to her once that he does not insist on a traditional wedding night. That was two weeks ago and she had smiled and said nothing and he had then said "it is up to you, of course," changed the topic and smiled at her all evening long.

She thinks that she might have rejected him now the moment she accepted him but when he hands her the drink, her favorite kind of course, lifts his glass and says "to a long and happy marriage" with tears running down his cheeks, she knows that Sam feels anything but rejected.

.

Phillippa

Downton Abbey – Christmas Eve 1913

.

"Robert," she says when he enters room. "I said you did not have to come in here today."

"It is Christmas Eve. I am not going to leave you alone the whole day on Christmas Eve."

She nods in thanks. They may not have much to talk about but he is company at least. And she is sure that his concern for her is not only an act.

"How are you?" he asks and she knows what he really wants to know.

"I am not going to make to New Year's Eve. A day, maybe two." She wants to say more but it is hard for her. She slips in and out of consciousness and concentrating on something for longer than ten minutes has become impossible.

Robert nods and sits down next to her. He does not say that he is sorry. She asked him not to say it anymore because she does not want to hear it anymore. "I hope it isn't more than two days. The pain is almost unbearable. I wish I was dead already."

Robert looks at her and whispers "Phillippa," but she shakes her head.

"If you felt this pain, you'd wish for the same. I have asked Dr. Clarkson to end it but he says he can't. I asked him for something to kill me. He only reassured me that it wouldn't be much longer anymore."

She feels Robert's hand on her face and closes her eyes at his touch. When she opens her eyes again her room has gone considerably darker.

"How long was I gone?" she asks and Robert looks at his watch.

"About two hours," he says and she shakes her head.

"You don't have to sit here, Robert. Go downstairs, celebrate Christmas with the people you love."

She detects a small flicker across Robert's face and for a second wonders if he was about to say 'but I love you too', but realizes then that in all likelihood he had been thinking about Cora. The woman he does love. She takes a deep breath and musters all of the courage she has left.

"You are thinking about her," she whispers and Robert looks at her.

"About whom?" he asks and he really looks as if he thought that she did not know.

"Cora," she says and he looks as if he was about to deny it but then he nods.

"Yes," he croaks.

"She is the woman you love," she replies and again Robert does not deny it.

"You two are very well suited," she continues and Robert gives a bark that might have been supposed to be a laugh.

"You are," she says. "You are mild-mannered and kind, she is kind and only wants to see the best in people. You will be very happy."

"You think I should marry her?" Robert asks and she cannot believe and at the same time is not surprised that they are having this conversation while she is on her deathbed.

"Yes, I think you should," she says.

She sees a much younger Robert waiting in front of the altar. She is wearing her wedding dress, a huge, expensive dress that makes her look like a cake and she is walking towards him. He turns around and smiles at her, the first true smile he has ever given her and while she still wonders why he smiles, she is overtaken by another woman in a much simpler, much more beautiful wedding dress.

"I love you," Robert says to that other woman and when they turn to face her, she sees that it is Cora, now much older, with grey hair and wrinkles on her face and Robert looks as if he was 90 years old. They are holding hands and smiling and a young girl looking like Mary comes running towards them and screams 'Granny'.

She opens her eyes again and Robert is still next to her bed.

"You were gone for 20 minutes," he says without her having to ask.

"Marry her Robert. You deserve to be happy and so does she. Although I dare say that you are already making each other happy." When Robert looks at her shocked and afraid she gives what is most likely the last laugh of her life.

"Robert, do not take me for a fool. I wasn't a very good wife, I never loved you or cared for you, but I am not blind or stupid. I know that Cora is your mistress."

"Mistress," Robert scoffs and then says "I wish I had never had to make her that. But once we started there was no way back."

"When did it start?" she asks and Robert looks at her for a long moment.

"Summer 1893," he says and she cannot believe it.

"Heavens. You have had the same mistress for over 20 years."

Robert nods and even smiles. "Yes," he says. She shakes her head and thinks it is going to explode.

"Based on what I know about you, you have been true to her the whole time."

"Of course," Robert says and for a very brief moment she regrets not having given Robert the chance to be true to her. But then she remembers that that would not have been her.

"How many children do you have?" she asks. She wants to know this, wants to know what Robert has been keeping secret from her.

"None besides Mary. Cora cannot have any more children. Her son's birth was difficult to say the least." She nods and then asks a question she is not sure she wants to hear the answer to.

"That son," she starts but Robert shakes his head.

"Her son was almost a year old when we met again."

"I am not the first one to ask that question," she says and again Robert shakes his head.

"Mary and Rosamund asked it too."

It does not surprise her that those two know about the affair. It does not even bother her anymore. Nothing bothers her anymore.

"I know I am a vicious person. I was a horrible mother and a horrible wife and I am not even sorry about it. But I do wish you good luck," she says and Robert leans forward, takes her hand and says "Thank you".

The world is spinning and Mary is running around her, screaming 'Mama' at the top of her lungs. But Mary has never called her 'Mama', and then she sees Cora standing only a few feet away. Cora opens her arms for Mary and the little girl jumps into them and smiles. Robert joins them and gives both of them a kiss. A hand grabs her from behind, it is a small hand and she sees a boy staring at her. A boy that looks like one of her many lovers. "You did not care for me," he says "and I do not care for you". Then he vanishes into the distance. When she looks back at Robert and Cora and Mary, they are gone and have been replaced by fog so dense it looks almost solid. Her parents are walking across their lawn and she is a little girl, her hair flying freely in the wind. They don't acknowledge her although she is sure that they saw her. She runs after them and they tell her not to run. Because she is a good girl and does as she is told, she stops running and her parents vanish. She is left with a governess standing next to her, criticizing her curtsey. She needs to improve it for her presentation. Then suddenly Robert is standing in front of her and says 'We should get married' and she replies 'I knew you would pick me over that American girl' and Robert too vanishes into the fog. The fog that is coming closer and engulfing her and making her feel warm.

Her hand is held by someone, someone is touching her face and she wants to say something but forgets what or to whom and then.

* * *

AN: Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews on the last chapter!

So, I've finally done it and killed Phillippa. I have to admit though that I did feel a bit sorry about it. She is not a very nice person but she is my character and I have given her a voice here. I wonder how Julian Fellowes felt when he had to kill off Sybil and Matthew in Season 3. They were very likable characters after all.

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. Please let me know what you think.

Have a great day,

Kat


	20. Chapter 20

Robert

Downton Abbey – December 1913

.

The casket is lowered into the ground, he steps forward and throws earth into the grave, then steps back and watches a long line of people do the same. They all walk past Mary and his mother and him and offer their condolences. He remembers the last time he did exactly this, it was years ago, when his father had died. This is different. He isn't overcome by feeling of sadness, he does not want to cry. All he feels is emptiness.

Cora and Sam are now offering their condolences and he listens to them and stares into Cora's eyes to find any emotion there but she has put on a mask, even for him. Sam says exactly the right words although he can see in the boy's face that he needs to bite back a remark about this not being too sad an occasion. But Cora has raised her son well, of course he does not say anything. They will come with them to the Abbey of course, they have been invited to this funeral as family friends.

They move past him and his thoughts return to the empty feeling inside of him. He isn't sad. He is not happy either, he truly did feel sorry for his wife, for her suffering. But he spent weeks at her bedside, he talked to her more during the last few weeks than he did in the past almost 24 years. He found out that they really did have nothing in common, that it was hard for them to make polite conversation, but that they were able to talk about serious matters. He has been asking himself for weeks now whether he shouldn't have put more effort into his marriage, should have tried harder, whether he didn't give up too early. But it is too late now, his wife is dead and he was unavailable and unattainable for her regardless. Because as soon as he allowed himself to go into Cora's room at that house party more than twenty years ago, his heart had been captured by her.

The guests have now all given their condolences, so the family leaves the cemetery after them. His mother walks a little ahead of him, Mary takes her place by his side. The family will walk back to the Abbey, his sister is with them as well and so are a few good friends, Cora and Sam among them.

Their party isn't large, there are only a very few villagers to watch them and he is sure that none of them came to pay their respects. They came to watch and gossip and it does not surprise him. Phillippa was not popular in the village. She hardly ever ventured there and if she did it was to treat the shop keepers and the clerks at the post office or the station or wherever she went with disrespect and disdain. He doubts whether she has ever exchanged a single nice word with anyone living in the village.

He looks ahead and sees a little boy running onto their path, his mother is screaming after him. Instinctively, Cora grabs the boy at his scruffs, the only place she could reach and says something about not running away from one's mother. Sam gives a very short and dry chuckle next to her. She then takes the boy's hand and returns him to his mother who apologizes to Cora and thanks her profusely. He can't hear Cora's reply but by the expression on the other woman's face he knows that she must have said something kind. She ruffles the little boy's hair once and then rejoins Sam.

"She will be a much better countess," Mary says next to him and he turns to her.

"Mary," he says. Not because she is wrong, those words are his thoughts exactly. But his daughter should not say them on their way back from his first wife's, her mother's, funeral. Especially not if they could be overheard.

"I feel so empty," his daughter says and he nods.

"So do I." She puts her arm through his and falls silent again. He is sure she does this to support him. It is very uncharacteristic of her to put her arm through his, he isn't sure whether she has ever done this with Matthew, but he then realizes that this is her way of showing her support. To the outside world it looks as if father and daughter were mourning the loss of wife and mother when in fact what she does is tell him that he does not have to be ashamed about not being sadder and that she will support when the time comes for him to woo Cora.

He doesn't think the wooing will take very long, he only has to propose, she will accept him in a heartbeat. He is sure she will be waiting for it when the time comes. He is oddly thankful to Phillippa for having told him to marry Cora. He would have done so regardless, but somehow her approval makes it easier for him. Maybe because it allows him to think about Cora now and not force his thoughts away from her for months.

He gets through lunch and saying goodbye to the guests looking every bit the sad widower although he wonders why he has to put on such an act. He supposes that most of his guests know that his marriage wasn't happy, more than every second guests is stuck in an unhappy marriage as well. 'The joys of being a member of the English aristocracy' he thinks.

He then turns towards the only American member of the English aristocracy he knows. Cora is talking to his Cousin Susan and although she puts on a perfect face and seems entirely polite he can see in the little movements of her hands that she is unnerved. He would be too if he had to talk to Susan. It is only thanks to Cora that he won't have to talk to his cousin at dinner. Shrimpie, Susan and their eldest daughter Annabelle are staying at the Abbey, as are Rosamund, Cora and Sam.

Rosamund loudly says that she would like to go for a walk and Cora says she wants to join her. He has no doubt that this has been agreed between them beforehand. He knows what this means without either one of the two women looking at him. Rosamund and Cora will go outside, he will follow a short while later, Rosamund will remember that she has forgotten something and tell them not to return on her account, preferably loudly enough for anyone in the vicinity to hear.

So he watches his sister and the woman who is sure will eventually become his wife walk out of the front door, dressed in their thickest coats and hats. He talks to Mary and Sam for a while and then leaves, out of courtesy asking Sam whether he would like to join him. The boy looks as if he was about to say yes but Matthew intervenes, saying that he needed to discuss something with him. When he sees Matthew and Sam walking away he wonders if Matthew knows about Cora and him and whether 'needing to discuss something' was actually a code for 'wanting to play billiard', as the two young men are heading straight for the billiard room.

Mary smiles at him and nods and so he leaves, following the path he knows is Rosamund's favorite. Sure enough he can see Rosamund and Cora ahead of him walking rather slowly. He calls out for his sister who turns and calls back a very surprised 'Robert'. His sister has always been a very good actress. The women wait for him to join them and Cora gives him a heart-warming smile.

They keep on walking, all three of them for about five minutes. Cora and Rosamund continue their conversation about Christmas in New York and he listens with something akin to joy. Maybe one day he can take Cora to New York.

Remembering the last and only time they were in New York together gives him pang because Cora had been close, very close to accepting a marriage proposal made by another man and only his intervention stopped her. He shudders to think what would have happened had he not taken Mary to New York, had he not visited Cora. He'd be a widower now and she'd be married, probably living in New York, out of his reach.

"Oh dear, I forgot I promised Mama to go through the application for a new lady's maid with her," Rosamund says. "She needs a new one again." Cora gives a tiny laugh at this and says

"Let's return then," but Rosamund shakes her head.

"Oh, please don't return on my account. I am sure that my brother is willing to walk with you. Aren't you Robert?" she asks and he nods.

"Yes, yes," he says and then watches Rosamund leave.

"How are you feeling?" Cora asks with so much feeling and concern in her voice that he knows it is a real question and not one she asks in case there is someone near them, listening.

He is quite sure they are by themselves, the only ones who could be around her would be under gardeners but it is winter and so that is highly unlikely. So he answers truthfully.

"I feel empty. And relieved." He has finally said it. Phillippa's death makes him feel relieved.

"Of course you do," Cora says. "She suffered and you had to watch it. You probably went to bed every day half expecting to be woken in the middle of the night only to be told that your wife had died. In those situations the actual death is often easier to deal with than the waiting for it."

He loves her. He loves her so very much he doubts he will ever be able to put it into words. So instead he looks at Cora, who is looking at the ground while walking. She is dressed in black of course, to all intents and purposes she has just buried a dear friend. Her face shows the markings of someone walking outside in the cold, her cheeks and nose are slightly red, her eyes are a little watery. How much he would like to put his arms around her and let her warm her face on his shoulder. But he can't.

"You always find the right words to say," he says instead and he can see a small smile playing around her lips.

"I believe those words. My grandmother was sick for a long time before she died. We knew she would die and so I was afraid every single morning when I woke up. I went to bed every night dreading going to sleep because I would wake up several times at night, dreaming that she had died, hoping that she had not. The night after her actual death was the first night I slept through in months. I knew she was dead, I knew her suffering had come to an end."

"That is only part of why I feel relieved," he replies. He can be completely honest with Cora, he even thinks he should be completely honest with her.

"I know," she sighs and looks up into the distance.

"I am a free man now. That horrible marriage has come to an end."

"Yes," Cora says without looking at him. But he looks at her and although he only sees her in profile, he knows that she is about to cry.

"A few hours before she died she told me she knew about us. She wasn't angry, she even told me I should marry you. It was hard for her to believe that I have been true to you for more than two decades. I think she believed that falling in love with my mistress was something that could only happen to me."

The tears are now running down Cora's face. She turns to him and hiccups before she speaks.

"You are not the only one who is relieved that you are now free. I feel so bad, so horrible. I cannot stop thinking about what Phillippa's death means for us, for me. I think I should burn in hell for it."

"No Cora, no. You have done nothing wrong. You did not kill her. She was killed by cancer and had she not died of it, had she lived longer than me, we would never have changed anything."

"You would have had to keep up an appearance."

"And so would you. But we don't anymore, not for much longer."

Cora now takes his hands in hers and he should jerk them away, they are in full view. But then it only looks as if Cora was comforting him, and why shouldn't she? She is a close family friend after all.

"Not for much longer, no. But Robert, let's not do anything too quickly. We have waited so long, a few months won't matter. Let's avoid a scandal."

She is right of course. They shouldn't risk a scandal. After two decades of an affair, they should not ruin anything now.

"Cora, if any good looking man come your way and propose to you, please say no," he says. He wants her to know that he will propose this time. He will do it right this time.

Cora smiles at him, her eyes lightening up at his words.

"I will. Although you are good looking too." He doesn't really know how to reply to this. His instinctive reaction would be to give her a quick kiss now or to brush his knuckles across her cheek.

"If you say so," he says instead and Cora smiles at him again.

"Yes, I say so."

They continue their walk in silence. It is getting colder and Cora begins to shiver and he wants to warm her up, he wants to wrap his arms around her. And he wants her to hold onto him, to show him that she loves him, to feel that she loves him.

"Will you stay until New Year's Eve?" he asks and Cora nods.

"Yes. I thought you wouldn't mind."

"Of course I don't mind," he says. "There won't be a shoot the next day. We cannot have an official party, we cannot hold the shoot."

"I know, Robert," she says slightly exasperated and he has to chuckle.

"Shall we go back inside?" he asks instead of starting a fight and she nods. They walk back to the Abbey, back to what he hopes is _their_ future home.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – New Year's Eve

.

It is three minutes to midnight and she doesn't care. Maybe she has had too much drink, she is almost certain of it, but she wants to stand next to Robert when the bell chimes and she wants him to kiss her. He won't kiss her on the lips, he really cannot do that in public, even if 'public' in this case means their families, but he can kiss her on the cheek.

So she positions herself next to him and to her very great surprise Sam looks at her approvingly and smiles. Her son has had far too much to drink, that is obvious. Matthew and he spent half the evening in the billiard room and she wonders if the table is still in one piece or if the two of them damaged with their drunken use of the cues. She also wonders why Sam is smiling at her. He still doesn't know about the affair. But then again he may be too drunk to realize that he is smiling.

Robert looks at his watch, begins to count down and then everybody says, or in some cases slurs, 'happy new year!' and just as she had hoped, Robert kisses her cheek. 'Happy New Year, darling' he whispers in her ear. Suddenly she does not feel drunk anymore and stares into his eyes. She thinks they realize at the same time that their affair will end this year, that they will get married this year. At the end of it, the very end of it surely, but it will be this year. 1914.

The small party goes on for two more hours but then everybody retires to bed. She, however cannot sleep. Too many thoughts are swirling in her head. It seems to her as if the beginning of the new year allowed her to think about her future more freely, as if the fact that it could now be said that Phillippa died last year, made it acceptable to focus on the positive side effects of her death. And didn't that woman herself tell Robert to marry her? She even wished him luck.

Because she can't sleep she goes down into the library to find a book. On her way there she remembers that she did this too after Robert's father's funeral. When she enters the library she almost breaks into loud laughter because Robert is there as well, Scotch in hand.

"Robert," she says and he turns around and smiles at her.

"Hello," he says and she wonders if he has been waiting for her.

"I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd look for a book."

"I'd be in search of a drink in your situation," he answers and it makes her laugh. Without her saying anything, he fixes her a drink and hands it to her.

"Thank you," she says and feels quite relieved when the liquid hits her throat.

They are standing next to each other and Robert takes her hand in his. It feels as if he didn't care anymore that they could be seen. He takes one more swallow of his drink and then looks at her.

"I think you should tell Sam," he says earnestly and she shakes her head. She cannot tell her son, he would be so very disappointed. In her and in Robert, whom he looks up to almost as to a father.

"Yes Cora, you should. Or at the very least let me do it. Now is a good time. Phillippa has died and this is a new year. He'll understand why we did not tell him earlier and will not feel as if we have told him too late."

"Robert, I don't want to tell him at all. He will be so disappointed in us."

Robert looks at her and she sees the almost completely grey hair, the lines in his face, his wonderfully blue eyes that shine like the sea and a very boyish trademark grin on his face.

"Cora, I invited your son's fiancée as a dear friend of Mary's to a New Year's Eve party I shouldn't even have given. I am almost completely sure that were we to look for either Sam or Lilly, we'd find both of them in the same place, in the same bed, I'd venture to say. I don't think they are actually doing anything that could lead to a pregnancy, but knowing your son, I am sure that they are doing something you and I would not deem proper. And the only reason I am down here and not looking for them to stop it is because we have done much worse probably thousands of times."

"I cannot become pregnant," she replies to this and Robert laughs.

"No, you cannot. And I think Sam and Lilly are smart enough to wait with that until so close to their wedding that a fully grown baby could still be passed off as a little early."

She has to laugh because she has had the same suspicion and not done anything for the same reason.

"We are of one mind Robert. But it would not hurt if you had a talk about this with Sam. Without telling him about us."

"Cora," Robert sighs but she shakes her head.

"No," she says firmly. She cannot disappoint her little boy that much. He must never know.

Robert looks at her and she can see that he has accepted his defeat in this, at least for now.

"Phillippa asked me how many children I had with you," he says and she has to cough on her drink. "I told her the truth. But it has made me wonder. Would we really have been able to stop this had you been able to have children? Or would we have risked it nonetheless?"

She stares at him. It is a question that has never occurred to her because it is a question that has never had to be asked.

"I think Sam would have grown up in New York then after all," she says after a while. "I think I would have had to put a physical distance between us. I would have had to make sure that we would not meet."

Robert now puts an arm around her shoulder and pulls her close to him.

"You would have gotten married to someone else," he says and after thinking about it for a moment she nods.

"I think so too. Just to create the illusion that I had forgotten about you. God, I am so glad I did not marry Henry Fincher. I think I'd have broken down completely the moment I had read about Phillippa's death in the papers."

"You still went through a lot," Robert continues and now puts his other arm around her as well.

"I did, but I think we both went through a lot. And we will have to keep going for a while but just a short while."

Robert now lifts her chin up so that they are staring into each other's eyes. He looks at her for one moment, and then whispers "I love you," to her. She leans forward and kisses him and when she pulls away again, Robert rests his forehead against hers.

"I love you too," she whispers back before she steps away again. They have to sleep in separate rooms after all for most of this year whenever they are at the Abbey. But not for the whole year. At the end of the year Robert and she will be sharing a room at Downton Abbey and no one will find anything strange or improper about it.

* * *

AN: As always, thank you so much for the reviews! They are what keeps me writing!

I really hope you liked this chapter. Some of you said they missed Cobert in the last chapter, so I thought I'd do quite a lot of it in this chapter.

Please let me know what you think!

Have a great week everyone,

Kat


	21. Chapter 21

Cora

Downton Village Church – February 1914

.

The roars from outside become louder and louder and she is sure that the carriage with Robert and Mary in it is coming closer to the church. Matthew gets up from the bench, Sam patting his shoulder and, saying 'Good luck'.

Matthew made Sam his best man a few weeks before the wedding. Matthew does not have any close friends in Downton, the role as heir to the Earl of Grantham makes it difficult for him to find friends. But Matthew and Sam seem to get along very well which she finds quite fitting. Sam has always been wise beyond his years and so it does not surprise her that her son should find a best friend who is six years older than him. Matthew will return the favor of being 'best man' at Sam's wedding which will be held eight weeks from today.

She had initially been surprised that Mary would get married only two months after her mother's death and she is sure that there will be talk about it but Mary does not seem to care and Robert, after very light initial resistance, agreed. If Mary did not wish to mourn her mother, she could go ahead with the wedding. Rosamund and she tried to at least spread the belief that Phillippa did not want Mary to move her wedding, and it is not a lie. Robert said that Phillippa and he talked about Mary's wedding once and that his wife said that she did not expect Mary to move it. That is of course not exactly the same but very close.

The door of the church opens, the music begins and she watches Robert walk Mary down the aisle. There is a very proud simile on his face and she thinks that he looks stunning in his morning coat, next to his beautiful grown-up daughter. He looks at her and very briefly closes his eyes while Mary stares ahead at Matthew's back.

To her surprise Matthew does not turn but she thinks it likely that Mary asked him not to do so. The look on his face when he looks at her is one of true love though.

Robert sits a few rows in front of her and she wishes she was next to him, holding his hand, but maybe it is better this way, he can now focus on the wedding ceremony.

Mary looks radiant when she and Matthew leave the church together and Robert, accompanied by Rosamund, looks so very proud.

Five minutes into the reception Robert walks over to her, a smile on his face and hands a drink to her.

"Thank you," she whispers and he nods. "It was a beautiful ceremony," she says and Robert replies

"It was. Even though it was bittersweet for me. But that is coming your way as well."

"It is." She wonders how she will feel when it is Sam standing in front of the altar. Her little boy, grown up, marrying the woman he loves.

"Both our children found someone they love," she says and looks at Robert. He looks over at Mary, a dreamy expression on his face.

"Yes," he replies and then smiles at her. She knows what he means, knows that he wants to say that so did they but she cannot reply to this. Someone could be listening.

She thinks that Robert spends too much time with her during the wedding reception and she thinks about sending him away but she wouldn't know how to do it without it seeming suspicious to anyone who might be listening. She cannot very well say to him 'We should spent less time together, people might become suspicious'.

She said 'I don't want to keep you from the other guests,' twice and each time Robert seems to have understood and left but he came back each times as well. She will have to tell him though to behave differently at Sam's wedding.

.

'What a day,' she thinks when she finally sits down on her bed. The wedding was wonderful and she felt rather proud of Mary. She is very happy for Robert's daughter, her future step-daughter who she knows she will eventually think of as her daughter. She does not think that yet but there will come a time at which they will share a house, live together and she doubts that she can stop it then. She will be there for Mary when she struggles with being a mother and she will struggle. Cora is sure that every woman struggles at one or more points in their 'mothering careers' and she knows that it will be her who will help Mary get through it.

While she is lost in her thoughts the door that connects her room to the one next to it opens and she jumps up in shock.

"Robert!" she exclaims and she cannot believe her eyes. What is he doing in her room when the house is full of guests? What is he doing in her room at all?

"Hello darling," he says and smiles his most disarming smile. She just wants to sink into his arms but this is not what they should be doing.

"What are you doing here?" she asks and he looks at her incredulously.

"What do you think I am doing here?" he asks back.

"Not adhering to social rules. Robert, you, we will cause a scandal. You must leave."

"Cora," he sighs but she shakes her head.

"Robert if anyone saw you entering the room next to mine,"

"They'll think that I wanted to talk to my sister."

"Maybe. And they will expect you to leave the room after some time and not stay the whole night."

"Who says that I want to stay?" Robert shoots back and she isn't sure whether he is teasing or angry.

"So you just want to talk?" she asks and he grins.

"And kiss you once or twice," he says and a shiver runs down her spine.

"Robert, we both know what will happen if you kiss me once or twice." He grins at her again and she gives up her resistance. Dimly something in her screams 'Don't do it, Sam might find out,' but she mutes her conscience.

So when Robert kisses her once, twice and then pushes her back down on her bed she is just as willing to do this as he is.

"You must leave afterwards," she mumbles when he pulls down her nightgown and he growls "I will," in reply.

To her great relief he really doesn't stay long afterwards and goes back through Rosamund's room. She is almost sure that Rosamund isn't in her room and when she goes to knock on the door a few minutes later she finds a note on Rosamund's table addressed to her.

 _Cora,_

 _I thought it might be prudent if I left this room for a while. Don't worry, no one will see me, I grew up in this house after all._

 _Rosamund_

She has to laugh about Robert's sister and thinks that they have really put her through quite a lot.

.

Sam

The Suffolk Estate – April 1914

.

He grins at his wife. _His wife_. Lilly and he were married about 15 minutes ago in the village church. And what a ceremony it was. The church was full to bursting point, Lilly and her father were greeted by hundreds of well-wishers on their way to the church and on their way back Lilly and he were greeted again.

Lilly of course looks stunning in her white rather simple but very elegant dress. Her smiles have always been breathtaking and she seems to have charmed all of the county. She even talked to a little girl who ran towards her right after leaving the church and the girl who was reprimanded by her mother couldn't get the smile of her face. He is so proud of having found such a wonderful woman to share his life.

He looks over to her now, watching her talking animatedly to his mother and Mary.

Mary and Matthew returned from their wedding journey only a few days ago and Matthew called it a 'real eye-opener'. They have had a talk about wedding nights and Matthew blushed quite a lot and choked on his drink a few times. But the more drinks he had the easier it seemed for him to talk and Sam is very sure that Mary and Matthew will be happy and never have the need of turning elsewhere with their desires.

If it had been up to him, Lilly and he would have already had their wedding night but she has steadfastly refused to take that last step. They have kissed of course and done quite a few other things as well but she always felt unsure and he once told her that it was her decision that they would do it all at her pace and it is something he still believes in. He hopes that Lilly will be ready soon but if for some reason she isn't, he will accept it and kiss her and tell her that he loves her more than he ever thought it was possible to love someone. Because he does.

His mother told him a little about her first marriage and while he does not believe that his father ever forced himself upon his mother, his mother had been very clear about it all being nothing more than a duty to her and he does not want Lilly to feel like that.

"You should ask your mother how she is feeling," Lilly suddenly interrupts his musings and he realizes that she must have walked over to him without him noticing.

"Why?" he asks. He hopes this isn't about sentimentality. His mother already cried in the morning, telling him that she would miss him and that she couldn't believe that he had grown up so quickly and he was thoroughly embarrassed although also a little pleased. She talked about moving to the Dower House, something he refused. Of course he will not ask his mother to leave the Manor. She gets along with Lilly and the fact that he has gotten married should not mean that she has to move.

And in any case, he is rather confident that his mother will move to Downton Abbey within the next few months. He watched Robert and his mother and he is sure that Robert has already started to woo her. A little early he thinks, considering that his first wife only died at the end of December but then Robert did not love his wife and always seemed a little besotted with his sister's best friend.

"She looks so pale."

That is true, his mother does look pale, has looked pale for some time now but he is sure that it is just the stress of the wedding. She helped Mary organize her wedding as well, it isn't surprising if his mother is a bit tired.

"She has had a lot of work to do these past weeks," he says and Lilly nods.

"Yes. But I don't think that she is eating enough. Look how thin she is. And I've noticed during our dinners that she pushes the food around on her plate but hardly eats it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Lilly says. "And I don't think it is because of the wedding. Maybe she is worried about something."

Because he loves his mother and trusts his wife's judgment, he corners his mother as soon as he can.

"How are you feeling?" he asks and she looks at him with an astonished expression on her face that is so perfect he is sure it is acted.

"I am fine," his mother obviously lies.

"You are not fine," he says and without giving her the chance to reply he continues "you look very pale, you've lost weight and you only push the food around on your plate."

Once Lilly had mentioned his mother's paleness and thinness he had seen it too.

"Sam," she says and he knows she does not want to talk about it but Lilly and he are about to embark on a six week wedding journey and he needs to know that his mother is well.

"Mama, Lilly and I will leave for six weeks. But if you were ill or needed our help, we would stay. Lilly would not be disappointed." He is sure she wouldn't be. If his mother really was sick, she'd be very worried about her.

"Sam, there is nothing. It has just been too much in the last few weeks. And I am a little sad. I am happy for you, of course, but you are grown up now and I am old."

"Mama, you are not old," he says but the devastated expression on her face remains the same. So he throws all caution to the wind. "Mama, I think you might actually be in for quite the adventure."

"What do you mean?"

He looks around to make sure that Robert is nowhere around, then leans closer to his mother and whispers

"I am sure that Robert is trying to make you fall in love with him. He is already in love with you I think and nothing would make him happier if you were to feel the same for him. Enjoy the courtship."

He then leans back and there are tears running down his mother's face.

"Have I said anything wrong?" he asks and his mother shakes her head.

"No, you haven't," she hiccups and then he realizes what the tears mean.

"He does not have to make you fall in love with him anymore, does he?"

"I don't think so," his mother says and he cannot help but grin. This was easier than he had thought.

"Well, I am very glad about that," he says and kisses her cheek.

"Your wife is waiting for you," his mother says and he turns around and walks towards Lilly who looks at him questioningly.

"What did she say?"

"That it was all the work. And that she is in love with Mary's father."

Lilly smiles at this and says "Unsurprisingly."

Because it is his wedding, he kisses her in view of everyone.

.

Robert

A small cottage on the Suffolk Estate – April 1914

.

He is so sick of it. So sick of hiding. If it was up to him he'd marry Cora the day he came out of mourning. He'd marry her and they could attend social functions together as husband and wife. They wouldn't have to watch their every move for fear of someone possibly suspecting them to be more than family friends. He wants the world to know that they are more than that and he might be too obvious about it. Cora told him that she thought that he had spent too much time with her during Mary's wedding and he agrees with her. Although he also thinks that their acquaintances should get used to the thought that Cora and he might marry. He noticed that women much younger than him have started to talk to him, both during Mary's and during Sam's weddings celebrations.

'This not a surprise,' Cora said when he told her a few days ago. 'You are a widower and you don't have a son. Many of these women want to grasp their chance of becoming the Countess of Grantham and making a possible son the future Earl of Grantham.' He hadn't even considered that and told Cora so. She only smiled and kissed him but now that he thinks about it, he finds that it make sense for those women who don't know that he gave his heart away a long time ago.

He looks at Cora, sleeping peacefully with her mouth slightly open. She looks thin to him and he is glad that the weddings are over.

He thoroughly enjoyed both weddings. He enjoys spending time with friends and family and he feels most comfortable around the people he loves and likes. He is sure that Mary and Matthew and Sam and Lilly will be very happy, which is just what they deserve.

Which is what Cora deserves and what he deserves. What they all deserve.

He thinks about proposing to her. He could do so now of course, but their engagement would have to remain secret then and that is not what he wants. He wants Cora to be able to wear the ring the next day and for the rest of her life and as silly as this notion might be, he wants to announce their engagement in the newspaper the next day.

He already has a ring in mind. His grandmother gave it to him when he was sixteen, asking him to give it to a girl he loved. It is still hidden away in the drawer of his nightstand.

Cora is stirring in her sleep and he knows she is about to wake up. So when she does, he smiles at her and she smiles back.

"You look rested," he says. She looks much better now than she did a few hours ago.

"I feel rested," she replies and smiles.

That is another worry off his mind. This means that Cora really was just exhausted. Somewhere deep down he had been afraid that she was sick, that now that they were so close to reaching what they had secretly been dreaming of for two decades, he was about to lose her. But the way that Cora now choses to show him that she is in fact very rested and ready for what she sometimes calls 'terrific fun', lets all his doubts and worries vanish into thin air.

* * *

AN: As always, thank you for all the reviews!

I won't draw this out much longer, I promise.

Many of you have said in their reviews that they think that there was trouble ahead regarding Sam. So as a teaser for the next chapter: Sam will certainly cause trouble.

Please let me know what you think about this chapter!

Hope you all have a great week ahead,

Kat


	22. Chapter 22

5,181 words of what I think many of you have been patiently waiting for.

* * *

Cora

Woodland Manor – June 1914

.

She looks at herself. She hasn't looked at herself naked in the mirror for years, she can't even remember the last time she did this. Robert keeps telling her that she is beautiful and as Robert and her maid Sully are the only people who ever see her completely naked, she has never given it a second thought.

But her dresses have all become too tight and her corsets leave very uncomfortable marks on her skin. Sully has suggested she see a doctor a few times now.

'Your grace, I know I am overstepping my boundaries but I think you should see a doctor. I don't think this gain is normal.'

Sully had of course more than overstepped her boundaries because what the lady's maid meant by 'gain' was obvious. Her stomach has become larger and so have her breasts and her face is a little fuller now.

So she takes a look at herself from all angles, even using a second mirror so that she can see herself from behind. She does look bigger. She would not call herself fat, but she looks bigger than before. When she looks at herself in profile and looks at her stomach she begins to wonder. It is protruding but not in a way that it should, not if it was normal weight gain that she was experiencing. The longer she looks at herself the faster her heart begins to beat because this cannot be. This would be horrible. It can't have happened, not to her. She cannot have a tumor. Not when Robert and she are about to be happy. But she is almost certain of it now and she understands why Sully called this a 'gain'. Her faithful lady's maid surely did not want to utter the word 'cancer'. Because cancer means death. How horrible. She does not want to die. And how horrible for Sam, just embarking on his marriage and maybe family life. And how horrible for Robert. How very horrible for her darling Robert.

She wonders how long she has left, if it will be enough for them to get married, if he wants to marry her at all, now that she is clearly fatally sick. Would Robert want to be the mourning husband again? Or would he rather not put that label on himself a second time? She is sure he won't desert her, never would he do that. He hates medicine and illness and sickness and hospitals but he loves her and he would not leave her alone. This gives her great comfort. She will certainly be on her deathbed but Robert will be next to her, holding her hand.

And then she feels it. Something in her abdomen is hurting her. She supposes that now she has realized that she has a tumor she will start to feel the pains. There is pain medicine of course, this will be far from easy but it will be made easier by medicine.

And then she feels it again. And again and again. And again. She puts her hand on her stomach and looks at herself in the mirror, still in profile. She has looked at herself in the mirror like this before. Many times, almost every day for a period of about seven months in 1892. She looked at herself in the mirror like this when her pregnancy with Sam had been confirmed by a doctor.

She feels the pain again and again and then she thinks that it feels just like it had felt when Sam kicked her. Her mind must be playing tricks on her, must be clouding over, must want to make this easier for her. But when she feels another kick, 'it is not a kick', she tells herself, she is almost certain. But it is impossible, it must be something else.

She looks at herself again. Shouldn't she be thinner? If it was a tumor shouldn't she be losing weight everywhere else, not gaining it? Shouldn't she look older and not younger? Robert commented on her looking younger the last time they saw each other.

She sits down on her bed and stares at her stomach. Did someone just tell her that it was in fact not a tumor but a baby? That she was not facing dying but giving birth?

She mustn't get her hopes and there is only one solution. To see a doctor. The question is where. In London for sure, but not Harley Street. She could be recognized there. But there must be doctors that the middle class people, or the upper middle class people attend. Good doctors in parts of London where she would not be recognized.

.

"Mrs. Livingston," she says and the friendly looking woman behind the counter nods and smiles.

"You can go right in". This relieves her. Even if she used a wrong name, not even her maiden name, even if this is not in a part of London where she thinks she would be recognized, she does feel uncomfortable.

She tells the doctor of her symptoms and of her two guesses.

"I think Doctor, that I either have a tumor and am going to die or that I am pregnant and am going to have a baby."

The doctor looks at her and smiles.

"You seem to have thought a lot about this, Mrs. Livingston."

"Yes," she says and then adds "I don't want to die."

"I have to examine you of course, but I don't think you are about to die. If you consider a pregnancy a possibilty, I assume that your husband and you are in an active marriage?"

"Yes," she says. Active is one word for it, she thinks.

"Have you been married recently?"

"No. We have been married since 1890." This is of course an utter lie but one she needs to tell. Because if she is pregnant, there are questions. Questions about the fact that she been told by many, many doctors that she would not be able to conceive again.

"And how many children have you got?"

"Only one son. He was born in 1892. We, he … it did not come about easily. I had two miscarriages before our son." 'Our son', she thinks and doesn't know whether she should laugh or cry. "After the birth, I was told that I could not have any other children. I saw several doctors. They all said the same."

"Thank you," the doctor says and then "I would like to examine you know."

The doctor expertly does what he has do, all the while talking about the weather, probably to make her feel a little less uncomfortable.

"Please get dressed again," he says and she is beyond glad that she picked a thoroughly upper-middle class outfit that she can put on without help. When she is done, the doctor is waiting for her behind his desk. The look on his face is impassive.

"Mrs. Livingston, I have to ask you one or maybe more personal questions."

She nods. This man has touched her in her most private places, she does not think that answering a few personal questions will make this any more uncomfortable. And the man is a doctor after all, this is not a drawing room conversation.

"You say your son was born in 1892 and that you were told you couldn't conceive again. Did you and your husband continue your marriage on all levels?"

She wonders why he doesn't just ask whether they kept sleeping with each other. But of course he has to be polite.

"Yes."

"The whole time?"

"Yes. Except for the time he was fighting the Boers."

The doctor nods and then looks at her.

"Have there been any more miscarriages?"

"I don't think so. If there were it must have been very early because I never missed a bleeding." She knows that would have been his next question.

The doctor nods again.

"Has anything happened in your life recently? Anything important?"

"Our son was married a few months ago."

"Do you like your daughter-in-law?"

She smiles at this. 'Like' is an understatement.

"Yes, we like her very much."

"Good. So you weren't worried about the marriage?"

"Not at all. We were happy. Very happy."

"Has anything else happened within the last year? Anything that might have taken a burden off your shoulders?"

She needs to think for a moment but then nods.

"Yes," she says. She does not want to explain any further. Phillippa's death certainly made things easier.

"When?"

"About half a year ago."

The doctor does not ask any more questions but begins to smile.

"I think Mrs. Livingston it was time I congratulated you. You are pregnant and I don't think that you are about to face any difficulties. You aren't a young bride anymore but you have already had a child, your body knows what it has to do. You should expect your baby in November or early December."

She mumbles "Thank you," and then listens to the doctor explain that some things take years to heal, that if a great cause of stress had been removed, conceiving could become easier and that she was in a phase of her life where for a few months she might be more fertile than she was for the past years.

When she leaves, still feeling the doctor's handshake, her head is spinning.

A baby. A baby. An unexpected baby conceived outside of marriage. Robert and she could marry in July, the baby will be born in November. Too early to avoid a scandal. If they stayed in England. But who forces them to stay? They could go to America, as Mr. and Mrs. Livingston, have the baby there. In Boston or even New York. She doubts her mother would be too shocked to play along. She would in fact love to play along. If they returned a year or one and a half years after their marriage no one would ask any questions, especially if they only had a small wedding. One that nobody would remember attending because no one except for close family actually attended it.

It won't be easy to avoid a scandal but it won't be impossible. Robert and she will find a way, there is no doubt about that. A baby. They are going to have a baby.

.

Sam

Woodland Manor – June 1914

.

"You should talk to your mother," Lilly says for what he thinks is the 237th time.

"Lilly, she isn't ill." She told him she wasn't ill and that it was unnerving her that he kept asking. So he stopped. His mother would not lie to him.

"I am not saying that she is ill."

"You are not saying it but you are implying it."

Lilly looks at him, her face slightly read, her hands clenched it to fits and she rolls her eyes and then sighs.

"Sam, as you and your mother don't seem to want to talk about this I am just going to tell you. I think your mother is pregnant."

He falls onto the bed, laughing. Lilly sometimes really is a jokester. His mother pregnant. What a silly notion. How could she be pregnant? She isn't married.

"Lilly I won't fall for that joke."

But Lilly looks at him both bravely and with a look of sympathy in her eyes.

"Sam, this isn't a joke. I am almost sure that she is pregnant. You should ask her about it."

"She is not married."

"Unmarried people have sex," she says and looks at him challengingly.

"Not my mother," he replies. His mother is the last person he thinks would do such a thing outside of marriage. He won't accuse her of such a thing. He once thought wrongly about her, when he was young and mad and disappointed that she did not want marry Henry Fincher and stay in New York for selfish reasons. He learned that was wrong and he will never, ever think wrongly of his mother again, let alone accuse of having done anything selfishly. And falling pregnant would be selfish because she would drag the whole family into a huge scandal.

"Sam, you have put your mother on a pedestal. She is almost a saint to you and I understand why you think like that. But I am almost sure that your mother is pregnant."

The honesty in Lilly's words lets a shiver run down his spine. He wants to know who, he wants to know who made his mother do such a thing. But it can't be true. Lilly must be mistaken.

"It is unthinkable."

"It is not," Lilly retorts. "If it had been up to you, we would have had sex before the wedding."

"That's different," he says but Lilly shakes her head.

"I don't think it is," his wife replies.

He gets up from the bed because this is driving him mad.

"I'll ask her know and then you can stop bothering me with this."

He walks towards his mother's sitting room purposefully. He wants to get this silly thing over with once and for all. He loves Lilly but she sees pregnant women everywhere. She wants a child herself and so far it hasn't worked and he thinks it is taking its toll on his wife. He has told her again and again that he would love to have children with her but if it did not happen right away then he'd be happy to spend all his free time with her and if it never happened he'd still be the happiest man alive.

"Mama," he says after she said 'Come in,' and his mother smiles at him. She does not look pregnant to him and he feels silly. But he will ask and then apologize profusely. And maybe treat his mother to a week in Paris. Lilly and he could come along, maybe Matthew, Mary, Rosamund and Robert would like to join them. His mother would like that very much.

"Mama, I need your help."

"Oh?" she says and there is twinkle in her eyes.

"Lilly thinks that you are pregnant and you have to tell her that you are not because she is going on my nerves." There he thinks. Out with it fast.

His mother looks at him open-mouthed and she seems to be as outraged as he is.

Then she closes her mouth and he thinks that she is looking for words and he fully expects her to get up and storm out of the room and talk to Lilly. But she doesn't. She remains where she is and then says

"Sam, sit down please."

He sits, his insides clenching and unclenching and clenching again. This cannot be true.

"Lilly is right," his mother says and he feels as if a train was running through his head.

"How can she be?"

"She probably saw the signs. She has been looking for them for herself for months now."

"How can you be pregnant?"

His mother only stares at him.

"How, Mama?"

"What do you think 'how'?"

He shakes his head. This can't be true.

"You can't have done that. Not you. You would not cause such a scandal."

"I won't cause a scandal. I have it all thought out. I just have to talk to the father."

He wants to ask what his mother has 'thought out' but the words 'the father' strike a chord with him. There must be a father and that man will pay.

"Who is it?"

"What?"

"Don't toy with me Mama," he says and gets up. "Who is the father of your bastard child?"

His mother looks as if she was about to cry.

"Don't you dare to call your sibling a 'bastard child'."

His mother hasn't spoken to him like that in years. In that dangerous whisper. Maybe she has never spoken like that before at all.

"But it is the truth. The child does not have a father."

"Of course it does." He wants to slap his mother across the face. She knows that he meant that the child had no legal father.

"Who?" He needs to know this.

"Who?" His mother is stalling. He hates her for it.

"Who is the father?" His mother now looks away from him, outside the window and stares at the trees.

"Mama, I have a right to know this." He is the head of this family. He is an adult, he is the duke. His mother's hands are folded in her lap, her thumbs twirling. She sighs so deeply that her shoulders move visibly and then says

"Robert," while still staring outside the window.

"Robert who?" he asks in total bewilderment and gets no answer

"Which Robert?" he demands more than he asks again.

"Sam, we only know one Robert."

If he had thought that his world was collapsing 20 seconds ago that is nothing to how he feels now. Because this cannot be the truth. He had hoped, even assumed, that his mother had been wronged, that some scoundrel had drawn her in, that maybe the act that had led to the baby had not been quite voluntary on her part, that for some reason she had had to play along. It would have been bad enough that she had been stupid enough to let it come that far but this is infinitely worse.

"How?" he asks and is surprised by the thickness of his voice.

"How?" his mother asks incredulously. "You know how."

"Did he…" he is afraid of the answer whatever it may be. "Did he force you?"

His mother laughs at this. She has the audacity to laugh at this. If she wasn't his mother he'd throw her out of his house now and not care whether she ended up in the gutters. But she is his mother and so he needs to intervene, if not for hers then at least for his and Lilly's sake.

"Mama," he says and she stops to laugh.

"Of course he did not force me." This does not relieve him.

"So both Robert and you betrayed both of our families and subject both families to a huge scandal."

"Sam," his mother sighs. "I am sorry, I truly am, but I told you that I doubt there will be a scandal. I need to talk to Robert about this but I am sure that we can avoid a huge scandal. He will agree, he will not want our child to be subjected to any sort of scandal. Or anyone else to be subjected to a scandal because of us."

He is mad, he is so mad. Robert. Why did it have to happen? He had been sure, so sure, that his mother and Robert would marry sometime this year, that his mother would finally be happy and that he'd finally have a … but what does it matter. What does it matter now? Two of the people he trusted and admired the most have disappointed him, have hurt him deeply and brought two families in the line of fire.

"I am leaving," he says abruptly and pushes himself up.

"Where are you going?"

"Downton Abbey." His mother looks at him like a scared deer.

"No Sam. Robert does not know yet and I want to, I need to tell him myself." He shakes his head.

"No. I am the head of this family. I will deal with this. This is not your business."

"It is my child we are talking about, Sam. Mine and Robert's. Do you really think that it is not my business?"

"No," he almost roars "it is not your business how I deal with Robert." He doesn't think that his mother should talk to Robert. Not now. "This…child is yours. But I am your son, your grown up son, at least on paper because I cannot be your son in any other way anymore. But I will deal with this as the head of the family." He leaves, yells at Sully to get his coat and order for his car to be brought to the front and the butler has the nerve to say

"Your grace, I think,"

It is too much. Far too much. Sully may have been serving his mother since before she came to England but there is no reason for him to tell his thoughts to a duke. Just when he wants to give that man a good dressing down, Lilly rounds the corner, running at top speed, stops right in front of him and says

"Samuel, you will apologize to your mother now. You will take back what you said and you will mean it." He will do no such thing, especially not if his wife orders him around in front of his servants. He wants to say that to her but Lilly knows him well and what he knows deep down is her way of stopping him from saying something hurtful, something he would regret endlessly, something that could potentially harm their marriage, his wife takes his hands in hers, kisses each of them once, looks into his eyes and says

"Sam, I am afraid you are doing something you will regret. At least let me come with you."

"No."

"Sam, I don't want you to drive in this state. Not by yourself. Please darling."

"No."

"Sam," Lilly pleads and he sees the fear in her eyes.

"I'll be careful, I promise." That he can do. He can control his rage until he arrives at Downton Abbey, he can do that for Lilly.

"I love you," he whispers to her, then turns around and leaves. He doesn't dare to look back at the house when he has gotten into the car because he hurt footsteps behind him when he walked through the entrance hall and he was almost sure that those footsteps had been his mother's and he does not want to see her or talk to her.

The warm summer air is rushing through his hair and he puts all his thoughts into driving carefully. He made a promise to Lilly and he will keep it. There'd be no use in him being hurt or killed in a car crash and it would break Lilly's heart. She hates that he drives, she has begged again and again that he'd stop it but he can't. He learned how to drive on a whim, when he found out that Robert could do it and he loves the freedom. The freedom that no one knows where he is going if he does not want anyone to know.

.

When he gets out of the car at Downton Abbey, Carson opens the door for him and says

"Welcome to Downton your grace. I'll announce you," but he stops the butler.

"No Carson, no announcements necessary. I gather his lordship is in the library."

"Yes, your grace."

"Thank you."

He storms off and seeing the familiar hall of the Abbey reminds him of how much time he spent there, how much this house feels like a second home. This makes the betrayal even greater.

He opens the door to the library and shouts "Robert!" Robert jumps from his chair and looks surprised but not unpleasantly so.

"Sam," he says. "What a nice surprise." The man has no idea about the blow that is coming he thinks gleefully.

"Let's take a walk," he barks and as if on cue Pharaoh jumps up as well.

"You know the word 'walk', don't you, old boy," Robert says and pets the dog. He then takes one look at him and says

"Of course we can go for a walk."

Robert asks for his coat and hat and then they leave and once they are out of earshot, Robert turns to him and asks

"Why are you so agitated? Are you alright? May I help in any way?" So that scoundrel of a man thinks that he has come to him for advice. He will never ask this man's advice again.

"Help?" he asks. "Help? You should know why I am here."

"Sam, I truly don't." Robert's calm voice, the fact that this man really thinks he could have hidden this makes him mad, so very mad.

"I am here because of my mother. And the baby."

"Baby?" Robert asks. "Is Lilly pregnant?"

"Lilly? No. God knows we've been trying and hoping, but no. But my mother is pregnant."

At this Robert begins to laugh. He wants to grab him and push him against the nearest tree.

"That's a good joke Sam. Your mother can't have any more children."

"She told you this? It that why you did it?"

"Why I did what?" Robert truly looks totally bewildered.

"Sleep with her. Take her to bed," he almost shouts.

Robert's face color is now a deep crimson. It is obvious to him that he has to swallow embarrassment or maybe something more sinister.

"So there really is going to be baby?" Robert asks with such softness in his voice that Sam is almost convinced that Robert would be happy, would not mind a scandal in exchange for a baby.

"Yes," he says. Although Robert obviously tries, he can't hide his smile. It enrages Sam even more.

"I thought it wasn't possible," Robert muses and has difficulties to stop his smile from becoming even wider.

"You are happy about this? Think about the scandal. Think about what you have done to my mother. The physical act was bad enough but conceiving a baby? My mother will be a fallen woman." He wants to shout, he wants to yell at the top of his lungs but he doesn't because he is afraid of someone listening.

"I doubt that, Sam," Robert says and pats his shoulder. "I am going to propose to her. I wanted to propose to her regardless of what you have just told me. Your mother will be the Countess of Grantham, the baby will have a father, by the time it is born, your mother will be married. If she is willing."

"What choice does she have?" he knows his mother wants to marry Robert but that man does not need to know that, not now. He wants to be mad at him now.

"Sam, she would have said yes. With or without a baby."

"You are very sure of yourself." How dare that man be so self-assured. Robert gives another chuckle and then says

"After 21 years I think I can be."

"21 years?" he asks because he does not understand. What happened 21 years ago? This does not make any sense. He looks into Robert's face and then sees all the color draining from it. And he understands. He understands and he wants to kill that stupid man with his stupid mouth wide open in his stupid face. And if he did not need that man to stop his mother and thereby the whole family falling victim to a scandal he would kill him. Instead he grabs Robert at his lapels and pulls him close.

"21 years. It wasn't just once. It has been 21 years." Robert nods and Sam wonders if the man is getting enough air but he does not care. He pulls Robert even closer and then whispers

"You have turned my mother into your mistress. My mother has been your mistress for the past 21 years."  
Robert nods again.

"Why?" he hisses and Robert begins to cough so he lets go off him.

"Love," Robert only says between taking deep breaths.

"Love?" he asks and it is his turn to laugh. "That is ridiculous. If you had loved her you'd not have subjected my mother to such danger. I think it was lust. Pure and selfish lust. You should be hanged. But no, not in this country. I will have to allow you, if you hadn't volunteered I'd even have had to force you, to marry my mother."

"Sam, please," Robert says but he shakes his head. There is nothing that man could say to make him feel any different about this.

"No. I won't listen to you. Never again. I am telling you what will happen now and if you do not follow my rules I will see to you losing everything you have ever held dear, including my mother. I am sure I could fabricate a story about you having taking her in under false pretense. Maybe that is what you did. You will propose to my mother as soon as possible. You will marry her, she will move here. Lilly and I will visit you on Christmas Day and for a week every August. In turn you will visit us for a few days every Easter and spend a week at our house in London every June. That will be the only contact between us. Between you and me, between my mother and me and between me and that bastard sibling of mine. And it will only happen so that we can pretend that everything is alright. Lilly and I will attend your wedding but only because we have to. You are dead to me Robert Crawley. Dead. And my mother isn't much more than that."

Only when he has finished speaking does he realizes that tears have been running down his face. He turns around and almost runs towards his car but right before he wants to get in he feels a hand placed on his shoulder. A hand that is far too gentle for what he has just said.

"Sam, I beg you. Think about what you said. And please don't drive home now. Calm down. Stay here for the night. I have been invited by Sir Anthony Strallan for dinner, he seems to think that as fellow widowers we have a lot in common. Have dinner with Mary and Matthew and if you want to, talk to them. But please Sam, don't drive home tonight. Think about how Lilly would feel if you hurt yourself in an accident because you did something rash."

He looks at Robert and all he can think about is how it feels to grow up without a father.

"My father died in an accident. He steered a carriage when he was drunk."

"Yes," Robert says, squeezes his shoulders and goes inside. He watches that man who he thought could have been a father to him, but now will never take on that role. His eyes cloud over again and because he does not want to be seen crying, he walks towards a bench under and old tree and sits down. He remains sitting there until someone touches his shoulder. He looks up and sees that it is Mary, already dressed for dinner. She sits down next to him.

"I told them to tell you. For years I have been telling them to tell you."

"So you knew."

"Yes."

He just stares at her. He cannot be mad Mary, none of this is her fault.

"Come inside, Sam," she says. "Papa has already left."

* * *

AN: As always, thank you so much for the reviews!

I really hope that you like this chapter because many of you have told me that they were looking forward to it.

Let me know what think. Was it ok? Did I go overboard?

Have a great Sunday everyone,

Kat


	23. Chapter 23

Matthew

Downton Abbey – June 1914

.

"Cora is pregnant?" He knows he is staring at Sam with his mouth half open, probably looking like a dimwitted fool. But then that is what he feels like. It is what he supposes anyone would feel like if they were experiencing what he is experiencing.

"Yes. Lilly guessed it and my mother confirmed it."

"And Robert is the father," he says.

Mary rolls her eyes at this. "Of course he is. Who else should it be?"

"What does this mean?" he asks.

"It means they will have to get married as soon as possible. My mother says she has come up with a plan how to avoid a scandal. I suppose she wants to go to America but I am not certain."

"So the child will be legitimate. Good," Mary says and for some reason he does not think that this is 'good'.

"Yes," Sam says. "Thankfully your father is smart enough to at least want to _try_ to save my mother's honor."

"Sam," Mary sighs. "It wasn't just my father. It is your mother's fault just as much and they truly believed she could not have another child. They did not conceive in over twenty years."

He chuckles at Mary defending her father even in this. He often wonders if Robert knows what a fierce defender he has in his daughter and he equally wonders if she'd be quite as loyal had she had a different childhood.

"I don't want to think about them having an affair for over 20 years. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my mother."

"You must forgive her," Mary implies but Sam shakes his head.

"Have you ever forgiven your mother for ruining your life?"

Mary sighs again and he can see that it is difficult for her to keep her composure. He takes her hand and she looks at him thankfully.

"That is a different story. Your mother loves you. That is the difference. And I know what it feels if your mother does not love you. Be glad about that Sam. Be forgiving. And love your sibling."

"Will you love it? It will be your sibling too."

Mary smiles at this as if she truly was looking forward to having a sibling.

"I'll love it very much."

"Even if it takes the inheritance away from Matthew and you."

He is glad that Sam mentioned this because he isn't sure that Mary has realized what this means. What it might mean for them, _will_ mean for them if Cora has a boy.

"Even then, Sam. I want to be Countess of Grantham one day, I don't deny it. But if I can't be just that because of a little brother then I will accept it. There is nothing I can do about it."

She looks at him now and smiles. He isn't too sure this is something to smile about but with Sam present they should not talk about them losing everything. Because Mary is right, Sam needs to forgive his mother.

"Sam, even if that was important to Mary, it should not alter your feelings on the matter. Think about it Sam and forgive her. She lied to you, she was unfair, she kept you in the dark, she put her and your reputation in danger. But she has also fought for you since the day you were born. She loves you dearly. Don't let her affair ruin your relationship to your mother. You'll regret it."

Mary looks at him thankfully but Sam just shakes his head.

"You two just don't understand." With that he gets up, leaves Mary's room and walks towards his room in the guest wing.

.

"Would you really love a brother?" he asks Mary as soon as Sam has left.

"Yes," she says and looks at him as if he had suggested that she had murdered someone.

"You know what a brother would mean. Your father will not allow the child to be born outside of marriage. If that child is a boy he will be your father's heir."

"Yes," Mary only says. She is driving him up the wall. He knows she knows he wants to talk about this but she is forcing him to take the lead, to broach subjects he'd rather not talk about because he hasn't sorted his thoughts on them yet.

"Mary, please don't be difficult. We'd lose the earldom if Cora had a boy."

"And that bothers you Matthew? You did not want to be the heir, you said you never wanted to be an earl. You mocked our kind of life."

"That was two years ago. I've been on a steep learning curve. I see the good that can come of it. There is room for improvement concerning the estate. Your father is rather charitable but I think that more could be done and much more efficiently."

"Matthew," Mary says and takes his hands. "If the baby is a boy my little brother will have to rely on you. My father is already in his forties. Even if he turned 90 he would not always be able to run the estate, not by himself. But my brother would be far too young to help him. And your ideas are good. My father will appreciate your involvement, regardless of whether you are his heir or not. And once my brother is of an age that he could take over running the estate, my father will probably need all the help he can get in teaching him."

"Is that really what you want Mary? You married me thinking I'd make you Countess of Grantham one day."

Again Mary takes his hands. "Yes. I was sure that you would make me the future Countess of Grantham. But I was equally sure that I'd love you forever my darling. And that will not be changed by a little brother."

He looks into Mary's brown eyes that now seem almost black, so intense is her stare at him. He feels as if he was looking right into her soul and what he sees there is truth. She really would continue to love him. To Mary who grew up with a mother, a countess, who despised her because she was not a boy, to Mary who grew up with parents who did not love each other, who cheated on each other for 21 years, it does not matter what position she will hold. She would love to be the future Countess of Grantham but her love for him is infinitely deeper and stronger.

She'd much rather be the wife of a lawyer than not his wife at all and they could of course stay at Downton. Robert loves Mary, he would never make her leave her home and Matthew thinks that Mary would love her brother so much that it would be unlikely that he would ask her or them to leave. So their lives would not really change except for the fact that they would not be the future Earl and Countess and that their eldest son would not be the heir to the Earldom.

But he was never supposed to inherit an earldom, all he wanted, ever aspired to be was a Manchester lawyer with a nice wife, two or three children and a few well trusted friends. He has got most of this, he considers Robert to be his friend, maybe even something akin to a father, he thinks of Sam as a friend, and of Cora as well. He has got a wonderful wife and he is sure that eventually Mary and he will have beautiful, lovely children. What does it matter then, whether he will ever be the earl? His children would grow up with the future earl, they would not be left on the streets and in any case, Mary has her own money and he earns more money than he necessarily needs, especially as they are living at Downton for free.

"Matthew?"

He looks back at Mary who looks at him as if he had been staring into space for minutes.

"I am sorry, my darling. I was miles away."

"Where were you then?" she asks and sits down on his lap.

"In our future. And it does not matter whether you have a brother or a sister. Our lives will be altered but they will still be wonderful."

"Our life, Matthew. We are living our lives together. It is just one life."

He wraps his arms around her, buries his face in her neck and sighs. Just one life. With the woman he loves. What more could he want?

.

Robert

Woodland Manor – June 1914

.

He still can't believe it, although he has had three quarters of a day to think about it. He went to dine with Anthony Strallan, he had promised the man and he _is_ a friend, even if a very dull one.

But before he went, he sent a telegram to Cora and he did not care that someone would know that he did sent the telegram and what was in it. It was just a few words.

.

Sam told me STOP I love you STOP

.

Now he is driving up to Woodland Manor, he will go in through the front door because he has decided that the days of hiding are over. He does not care anymore, Phillippa's death is six months in the past, in a few days he will be out of mourning officially and Cora is pregnant. There is no reason to hide his feelings for her anymore. Even Sam's reaction cannot put a damper on his feelings, not now. He knows that eventually he will have to talk to the boy again, but not now, not today.

Sully opens the door for him and by the grin on his face Robert knows that the butler is aware the he will soon be in the employ of the Duke of Suffolk only.

"Your Lordship," the man says with a genuine smile on his face. "Her grace is in her sitting room. Would you like to be announced?" He thinks about this for a moment, it would be nice to surprise Cora but there are servants in the house who are not yet aware of how things are between Cora and him and so he thinks an announcement would be proper. So he nods and Sully leads the way.

When Sully opens the door Robert can see Cora turning her head towards him, looking at him questioningly.

"The Earl of Grantham, your Grace," he says and then steps aside.

Robert walks past the butler towards Cora who has gotten up and looks at him with a smile that could brighten a room with small windows and no lamps on a rainy night.

"I'll wait outside," Sully says and Robert understands this to mean 'I'll guard the door to give you privacy.'

When the door shuts he does not say anything, he keeps walking towards Cora, grabs her around the waist lifts her up, swings her around, puts her down again and then kisses her. Even when he breaks the kiss he does not let go off her.

"So you are pleased?" Cora asks and he almost doubles up with laughter. He stops it though because this is a serious matter.

"Of course I am pleased," he says. "I don't understand how it happened, but I am pleased. Thrilled."

"You know very well how it happened," Cora says and for a moment she looks stern but then the smile reappears on her face.

"Shall we go for a walk?" he asks and she nods. The weather is lovely, it neither too cold nor too hot and there is nothing in the sky besides the sun, a very few white clouds and blue that is as bright as Cora's eyes.

Once they are out of sight, he takes Cora's hand in his but she lets go of it and instead grabs hold of his arm. He likes this even more than holding hands.

"When did you find out?" he asks and she replies "A few days ago. I thought I had a tumor. I thought I was about to die. But the longer I thought about it, the more regular the unusual pains in my stomach became. And then I realized what it was. It wasn't heaps of pain caused by a tumor, it was your child kicking me from the inside."

"It was telling you not to worry. That is why it made itself known."

Coral laughs at this and says "Well, it is telling me not to worry rather often. It will get uncomfortable but it isn't now and Sam was the same."

"Sam," he starts and wants to tell Cora about his reaction but she shakes her head. "You don't have to explain it Robert. Mary telephoned and told me that Matthew and she had offered Sam to stay at the Abbey for a few days and suggested you stay here. I've already sent Lilly on her way. Sam will come around to this eventually. Before he knew about the pregnancy or anything else he told me that he thought you were in love with me and that you wanted to marry me. He was very pleased with the idea and he likes you very much. You are almost like a father to him. He'll rage and storm for time, it may last weeks but deep down in his heart he already loves his little sibling and he will be very happy to meet him her her."

"That must be very deep down then. Cora, the things he said to me," Cora stops to walk now and turns him to face her.

"I can imagine the things he said to you and I am very sorry about them. Sam is in some ways like his father. This rage that breaks through sometimes is something that would happen to his father too. Much more often. But he always got over it. No matter how things were between the Duke and myself, Sam's father was not a bad man and he would have loved his son, would have wanted him to deal with those rages better than he himself ever could. And Sam can deal with them. This is really only the second time he got so angry and the first time was when he was still practically a child."

"We should have told him Cora. I don't think he would have reacted the way he did had he known about us."

Cora looks at him and bites her bottom lip. She always does this when she is not sure whether she should say something or rather keep silent.

"Just say it," he comments and she smiles.

"You know me well. Too well I sometimes think."

"I spend a lot of time with you." And it is going to be more he thinks.

"Robert, Sam would have asked me to not see you anymore, I am almost sure about it. And I could not have refused that wish. He is my son, I would have felt obliged to do as he asked."

He is not sure about it but what he knows is that Cora never voiced that opinion before because she was afraid that he would take this as a hint to leave. And as he would not have wanted to put her on the spot he probably would have tried to end it. How successful that would have been he does not dare to think about.

"But you think he'll come round?"

"I am certain of it. And he will do so long before his sibling has been born."

He does not say anything further because there is nothing left to say. Sam is Cora's son and she knows him much better than he does. He is slightly worried about a war coming their way and Sam possibly volunteering but that is in the future, if in all likelihood the near future, probably much nearer than the birth of Cora's child. However, a war is a bridge Cora and he and their families will cross when they come to it.

"It'll be very nice. When I've had the baby. It will have a good childhood with two parents in his life, parents who love it."

He starts to walk again and only says "Yes." Because if there is a war, he will have to go. But then again, how long could such a war take? Half a year? 9 months? Surely not longer than that. And it won't be dangerous for him, he won't be canon fodder.

"What will you do if it is boy?"

He has thought about this of course, it kept him awake for a while last night but then the solution was a simple one.

"Nothing. Matthew wouldn't be the heir anymore but I'd still involve him in the running of the estate. Mary and he will be able to deal with that, I would ask them to stay at the Abbey but if they wanted to live somewhere else I wouldn't put a stop to it."

"Mary won't want to leave."

"No," he says. "She already said as much." It took quite a weight off his shoulder nevertheless because he would not have wanted Mary to leave or feel as if she had to take a step back.

Cora then tells him about how she thinks they could avoid a scandal and her idea of living an upper-middle class life in Boston for about a year sounds lovely to him.

"We wouldn't have all those fancy dinners of course but we'd be living with our child, we'd be able to really take care of him or her. We'd still have a few servants, we'd still live comfortable and then we could stay with my mother for a while before returning to England. I don't think that anyone would ask any questions."

"No. It would be lovely to live like that. For a while. I could leave the running of the estate to Matthew and we could just tell anyone that I was doing you a favor by living in America for a year or two."

"It would be a dream come true, Robert. I love England, I love you but I miss America sometimes. I don't want to move back there permanently but I would like to live there again."

He nods and immediately feels a pang in his stomach. It is his fault. Had he not followed her to America a few years ago she would have married an American and have had the chance to spend a lot more time there than she does now. But then again, she would not be free now and he knows that she would now regret her decision endlessly. And their game of hide and seek is over anyway or about to be over.

.

He fumbles in his pockets for the ring he put there in the morning.

"Cora?" he says and she only replies "hm?" She seems to be miles away.

He stops them and entangles his arm from hers.

"I love you," he says and she nods with a smile on her face that tells him that she has already guessed what is about to happen now.

"I don't think I have to tell you that we've been through a lot but I am very thankful that you are the one I have been allowed to go through the happy and the difficult times and I hope that I can now make it a little easier for all of us but especially for you."

He kneels down now, on one knee and takes Cora's right hand.

"Will you marry me?"

Cora stares at him for a moment before her face breaks into a smile so beautiful that it should be considered one of the wonders of the world.

"Yes. Of course."

He gets up then and puts his arms around her and she grabs a hold of him so tight that he can hardly breathe anymore. They both break down in tears in that moment. The moment that may very well be the happiest of their lives.

* * *

AN: First of all, I am really sorry about the delay but I've just been swamped with work. This is also why I may not be able to update once or twice a week anymore for a while, I may have to reduce to every two weeks now and then. I am truly sorry about it but there is nothing I can do.

Thank you so much for all the lovely, wonderful, encouraging reviews! If I did not get them I'd probably stop writing all together so I am very grateful for them.

Please tell me what you think about this chapter!

Hope you have a great week,

Kat


	24. Chapter 24

AN: I am so sorry for taking so long to update but I am really swamped at worked and probably because of that I suffered quite a heave writer's block.

I am not sure how good this is, but I tried my best.

Please let me know what you think!

Thank you so much,

Kat

* * *

Sam

Downton Abbey – August 4, 1914

.

He thinks this day has come at least a month late. His mother and Robert should have married at the beginning of July, as soon as they knew about the pregnancy. And they should have married in a modest registrar's office in London, not the Downton village church. All his mother's talk about no one remembering the wedding and thus no one realizing that her child must have been conceived out of wedlock does not make any sense to him if all of Downton is going to see her marry.

Robert said it was better this way, that as he, the natural leader of the county, was going to leave for America for over a year it was important that the villagers at least saw him getting married again, that they knew their new countess, that they knew that she wasn't, as he said, 'some American trollop', but an 'American lady'. He asked his soon-to-be stepfather why he made such a fuss about marrying an American but the man only said that the whole situation was very unusual and should appear as normal as possible.

There is nothing normal about this in his mind. If it wasn't for the fact that his mother and Robert have had an affair for the past two decades, he'd probably be happy about this marriage, but not the way it is now, not like this. A forced marriage, necessary because of a pregnancy. The very worst thing that could have happened.

It has also lead to a few fights between Lilly and him because his wife has made it abundantly clear that she is happy for his mother and Robert to marry. "You wanted this to happen too," she keeps saying. "I wanted it without a scandal," he always replies.

But his disappointment goes a lot deeper than that. He is very disappointed in his mother, he would never have thought that she could disgrace herself in such a way. But he is even more disappointed in Robert. He had hoped that if Robert married his mother, he'd finally have something like a father, someone he could turn to if his mother or wife weren't the right people to turn to. Robert understands a lot of his worries, they are in very similar situations after all and it would have been such a relief to not feel so alone anymore, to know that if he made a mistake there would be someone who would understand, who would not scold him, who would help him find a way to put it to rights. But of course he cannot think of Robert as a father anymore. Robert will, in many ways, be the evil stepfather.

This thought makes him laugh because he overheard a maid saying that 'Lady Mary will soon have an evil stepmother', to which Mary, who had also overheard this, replied that she did not think that her stepmother would be evil but in fact rather nice and gentle.

He does not understand how Mary and Matthew can take this so lightly. That baby could take Downton away from them but when he asked Mary about it, she only said that it didn't matter to her when her sibling had been conceived, that had it happened after the wedding the situation would not have been any different. She added that even if her father were to marry someone else, that would not have meant that the title had been secure for Matthew. "That would only be true if my father decided not to remarry at all and I don't think that is likely. Even without your mother he would eventually have found a woman he loved and now I can at least be sure that the woman he is about to marry loves him too."

But the impeding scandal will have a different, a much lighter effect on Mary and Matthew. It was Mary's father who had an affair, other men will clap him on the back for having convinced a Duchess to do it with him. He hates that kind of talk in the clubs, he hates it when those men see women, no matter whether they are their wives, mistresses, maids or a combination of the latter two, as objects. They have feelings that should be taken seriously. They have minds that should be taken seriously. If it was up to him, women would have the right to vote and could ask for a divorce on the same grounds as men.

He sees Sully hurrying past him, caring a white dress. His mother's wedding dress. Of course it is very modest and not even a real wedding dress but it is white and he thinks 'what a lie'. But she has to wear a white dress, they have to keep up the pretense that this marriage was not made necessary by an untimely pregnancy.

He is already in his morning coat and it makes him feel as if he was wearing a costume. A costume that says 'I am happy' when what he is outraged.

While he walks around the gallery of his mother's new home, thinking about her misconduct, he suddenly feels a hand on his shoulder. He knows that it is Robert and wants to walk away but Robert seems to have suspected this and his hold on him is rather tight.

"Sam," he says. He slowly lifts his head and looks into his soon-to-be stepfather's eyes with as much disgust and distaste he can muster.

"I told you not to speak to me again."

"And I have adhered to your wish. I only spoke to you once in the last month and only at your request. But I think the time has come that we had a little talk."

This sounds so fatherly, too fatherly.

"About what? Are you playing my father already?"

Robert says "Sam," again and then ever so slightly shakes his head. "I am not your father my dear boy, and I don't pretend to be. But I will marry your mother and we will have to get along."

"I already gave you my terms. I will not change anything about them."

Robert lets go off his shoulder and Sam thinks that he sees a flicker of disappointment in Robert's eyes. Why that man would be disappointed about him is beyond him.

"At least walk your mother down the aisle."

"How do you know about that? Did you sleep in her room where she told you about her undeserving son who refuses to grant her that wish after you were done doing god-knows-what?"

He knows that Robert did not spend the last few nights with his mother but he does not care. He wants to hurt him as much as he can.

"She told me about it, of course she did. Sam, she asked you to walk her down the aisle and if you refuse to do that you will regret that for the rest of your life. She is your mother Sam, you have no idea how much she gave up for you, you have no idea how much it cost her not to return to America the moment your father died."

"She only wanted to position of the Duchess."

Robert's face has now turned bright red and in a dangerous whisper he says "Sam, you know that is not true. What a despicable and disgusting thing to say."

He wants to slap Robert across the face but something stops him and it takes him a few seconds to realize what it is. Robert is not trying to get him to do something because he wants to win this fight, gain power over him. No, that last sentence and the expression on his face plainly say 'I love your mother'. And he knows it is true. No man on earth would have an affair with the same woman for over twenty years if it wasn't about love. So he turns around and walks away.

.

Violet

Downton Abbey – August 4, 1914

.

"He'll come around," she says to her son who watches his stepson walk away with a look of disbelief on her face.

"I hope you are right," Robert sighs and she gives a dry chuckle.

"I am always right," she replies. "You should know that by now."

Robert shakes his head.

"Often Mama, not always." It gives her pang because she knows what this is about.

"I had hoped we could leave that in the past. You are marrying her now." For a moment Robert looks as if he was about to argue but then says "You are right. There is no use in fighting or talking about it."

She knows Robert only said that because of her behavior the last month. When she found out why Robert and Cora had to get married now she wanted to rip off her son's head. How could he have been that stupid? She always knew he did not have her sharp mind, no one besides Rosamund does, but he isn't stupid, at least she thought so. But when she wanted to yell at him, to tell him what a huge mistake he had made she realized that it was probably her fault. She could have stopped his marriage to Phillippa, she could have let him marry Cora in 1890. But she didn't and so she did not comment on Cora's pregnancy. She had been curious about what would happen if the child was a boy but she asked Mary about this and that was that.

"Was I ever that difficult?" Robert asks out of the blue and it makes her laugh. Sometimes her 44 year old son still seems like a little boy to her.

"No," she says truthfully. Robert was the very opposite of difficult. He always did as he was told, he was never rebellious and if he did anything out of line as a child it was because his older sister had told him so. "You were always very nice and you hardly ever broke any rules. Quite opposed to your sister."

"Rosamund, to my knowledge, has never had an affair."

"Robert," she says and sighs. She really does not want to have a conversation about this.

"Mama, it was just a funny comment."

"It wasn't funny. Do you see me laughing?"

"You aren't the only one who has a say about what is funny."

She wants to reply to this but there is a twinkle in Robert's eye that makes her only shake her head and lets her heart warm with pride. Robert inherited her sense of humor, he just does not show it very often. She wonders whether this is different when he is around Cora.

"It is time we left," Robert says and she nods.

Her son begins to walk towards the stairs but she catches his hand and he turns around almost in shock. The last time she held his hand must have been when he was still in the nursery.

"Good luck, my dear boy," she says and he nods, leans towards her and kisses her cheek.

"Thank you Mama. Rest assured that this marriage will be much happier than the first."

.

She can't help but remember her 19 year old son standing in front of the altar, waiting for his future wife to walk towards him and seal their fates. The look on his face, the unhappiness that followed will haunt her for the rest of her life.

But now that her son is 44 years old and standing in front of the altar again the atmosphere could not be any different. Where there were rows and rows of relatives they only ever saw at weddings, where all the talk had been about how 'well suited' the groom and bride were because of their equal births there are now rows and rows of villagers she sees passing by her windows every day and all the talk is about how the next Countess of Grantham seems a lot nicer than her predecessor.

When she hears the music she turns around and to her very great relief sees not only Cora but also Sam entering the church. She nods at the young man and although he stares ahead of him, she is sure that he saw her. She then looks to the front and sees Robert turning around, a look of eager anticipation and complete happiness on his face.

.

Cora

The Downton Village Church - August 4, 1914

.

If she hadn't already been sure that she was doing the right thing, that marrying Robert would make her happier than she had ever been, she would have been sure the moment he turned around to look at her walking towards him. The smile on his face says 'I love you' in so many words that it almost could be heard throughout the church although he did of course not say a single word.

She feels Sam squeeze her arm and nods almost imperceptibly, hoping that he saw it. He came to her minutes before she had to leave and told her that Lilly had bullied him into walking her down the aisle. She isn't sure whether it had really been Lilly who convinced him or whether it hadn't been Robert, but to her that does not matter. She knows that deep down in his heart Sam has forgiven her. He won't be able to say so for a few weeks, he may never say so, but it does not matter to her. She knows that things between Sam and her will be what they were soon and that is all that matters to her in that regard.

Sam throws Robert a threatening look when he hands her over to him and she sees that Robert nods but does not smile, something she is grateful for. Had Robert smiled, Sam would have taken that as Robert laughing about him and that would not have been helpful in any way.

.

She can't really take in Travis' words but she knows that he is speaking about love enduring difficult times. He makes it sound as if he was talking about the war they are all facing when she is almost sure that he has guessed that Robert and she may have been in love with each other for quite some time.

When they leave the church they are stopped by a mass of people waiting outside and it seems that every villager who had been in the church for the service wants to congratulate her and Robert personally. It is tiring for her to stand for such a long time and she feels hot but Robert seems to enjoy talking to the villagers and the villagers seem to enjoy talking to them. And really, she should give Robert the chance to say goodbye, he won't return from his 'wedding journey' for over a year.

A young girl walks up to her now and hands her a bunch of flowers she evidently picked herself.

"My lady, those are for you," she says and courtesies and it almost makes Cora laugh.

"Thank you very much Miss," she says and looks at the girl questioningly.

"Charlotte. Charlotte Thompson," the girl replies and smiles at her.

"Thank you very much then, Miss Charlotte Thompson," she says and the smile on the girl's face couldn't have been any brighter.

"I am ever so sorry my lady," a woman who must be Charlotte's mother says and pulls the girl away.

"No, don't be," Cora replies. "Those flowers are lovely. Goodbye Miss Charlotte, Mrs. Thompson," she says and smiles at the girl again.

.

"You have endeared yourself to the villagers more than any countess or earl ever did before you," Robert says to her when they sit down in the carriage. The trip to the house is slow, the streets are flanked with villagers, many of them children, waving the Grantham flag at them.

"I am not sure about it," she says.

"Cora, they love you. What you said to that girl, taking her flowers, no one expected you to react like that."

"Those flowers really are nice. I am sure Charlotte spent some time picking them and plucking them."

Robert squeezes her hand and smiles and then takes her face between his hands and kisses her on the lips. She is sure that they can be seen through the carriage windows but it does not matter anymore, they are married now. Married.

"Can you believe it?" she asks Robert and he looks into her eyes so lovingly that she almost breaks into tears.

"Hardly," he says. "I need to pinch myself from time to time to know that I am not dreaming. I dreamt of this for two decades and now that the day is finally here, it feels unreal."

"But nice," she says and runs her fingers across his cheek.

"Very nice," he says and kisses her but only for a short moment. He pulls away and then says "We are home, Lady Grantham," the moment a footman opens the door of the carriage.

They walk through the entrance hall which has been decorated for the occasion into the dining room for their wedding breakfast.

.

Before they start to eat Matthew gets up and says 'I think a toast is in order." For a brief second Cora feels a stab in her heart, she had hoped for Sam to say something but Lilly nods at her, indicating that Sam would follow Matthew. The relief that washes over her body stops half way though, when she realizes that Carson has left the room the moment he returns with such a somber look on his face that there can be no doubt as to the contents of the telegram he is now handing to Robert.

"We are at war with Germany," Robert says, unmoving, staring first at the telegram and then in turn at Matthew and Sam. Matthew and Sam stare back at him with the same determination and she knows what those looks on their faces and the announcement of war on her wedding day mean.


	25. Chapter 25

Matthew

Training Camp near Manchester – August 1914

.

"Crawley, run or you'll be killed." So he runs. He runs for his life even if this just seems like play pretend. But it isn't play pretend. They are pretending but not playing. They are preparing. Preparing for a war that has long since been coming but that they still don't seem to be prepared for. Of course the politicians and newspapers all seem excited and sure of their victory. Men much younger than him and much older than him are putting on the uniform, happily welcoming the chance to go to war, being cheered on by their wives, mothers, fathers and children. The problem is that it is not only the English men who are looking forward to fighting and are sure of their victory. The Germans feel the same.

"Crawley, well done," his commanding officer says and grins at him. "You'll be made Captain, if this war is long enough. You too, Suffolk," the man says looking at Sam who is standing next to him. Sam only nods and does not say a word. In fact, Sam hasn't said much at all ever since leaving Downton Abbey. He tried to talk to him a few times but they never got past the exchange of pleasantries.

"I am afraid this war will be more than long enough," Sam says when they walk back to the barracks together.

"You are one of the very few who agree with me then," Matthew says and Sam sighs. "I am not sure I've done the right thing. I don't agree with this war, but what am I to do? Not fight and be made a laughing stock? The Americans aren't fighting."

"Do you consider yourself an American?" He had always assumed Sam to be completely English but his mother is American after all.

"I don't know what I am. My American mother has disappointed me greatly but then so has my English stepfather. My wife of course is English, my children will be English so I should probably feel English and it is too late now anyway."

Sam of course is right about that, he cannot take back his voluntary offer to fight for England. "I never knew you were so conflicted," he says carefully and looks at the young man who really is his only friend, at least his age.

"I don't know what I am, although I suppose that means that I am conflicted. I am afraid, horribly scared of what is to come. And why did I volunteer? Because I am an English Duke and consider it right to defend my country? Or because I want to hurt my mother and stepfather?"

"Robert is proud of you, not hurt by you," he says and Sam nods.

"I know. He said so, he said I was doing the right thing and that I should talk to my mother. But what is there to talk about? Her disgrace? My possibly getting myself killed? War is horrible, Matthew, and I am afraid I will get myself killed for all the wrong reasons. And if I am not killed and you are not killed, we will have nightmares for the rest of lives about lying in the trenches, shooting other men."

He is astonished, beyond astonished at Sam's words. To him going to war, fighting for his country, is a duty. Regardless of what that entails. He envisions himself surviving the war but he knows he could be killed. But he has never thought about what effect going to war may have on him if he survives.

"Why do you think we will have nightmares?" he asks and stares at Sam.

"Robert has them. My mother told me. He returned from South Africa 12 years ago and he still has nightmares about it."

"I did not know that," Matthew replies and the uneasy feeling in his stomach becomes even more uneasy.

"I think that my mother and I are the only ones who know and my mother only knows about those nightmares because she keeps sleeping next to Robert."

Sam does not say anything for a while and Matthew does not know what to say either. He is about to suggest they have a drink in the nearest village pub when Sam begins to speak again.

"My mother was born in 1870."

"I know. I took care of the legal proceedings for her marriage to Robert."

"She was born in 1870, five years after the end of the Civil War and nine years after its beginning. Her father was 30 years old when she was born, her grandfathers were 55 and 49. What do you think they did between the years of 1861 and 1865?"

He stares at Sam. The American Civil War has only ever been a historical fact to him. It has never occurred to him that he might know people who were affected by it.

"Did they talk to you about the war?"

"Not my mother's grandfathers, I have never met them. But my grandfather and his brothers used to talk about it. When my grandfather died his former comrades in arms attended his funeral. Those that were still alive. And they told gruesome stories. Gruesome stories about a war 60 years ago. What do you think how much more gruesome this war will be? Advances in technology have been made, don't think that'll make war more _pleasant_."

He doesn't know what to say so he keeps silent and stares ahead.

"They fought on different sides, Matthew. My grandfather and his brothers fought for the Union because they believed that every man should be free and that the country could only survive economically if it remained one country. Their cousins fought for the Confederacy because Jews were treated better in the Army of the South. In the end, they all lost. Just as we will all lose. Us, the Germans, the French, the Austrians, the Russians, we will all lose. Our lives or our sanity. We are stumbling towards disaster. We are stumbling towards disaster singing joyous songs about glorious victories as loud as we can."

"You should become a politician, Sam," he says because that is the only thing to say he can think of.

"Why?"

"Because you have just convinced me that war is nothing but useless and harmful."

"Did you ever think of it as anything else?"

"I thought of it and possible still think of it as necessary but now I wish we could find another solution."

"But you don't want to desert?"

"No," he says with absolute surety. "And neither do you. I know you well enough for that."

"You do," Sam says, a small smile playing around his lips.

"You should talk to your mother and Robert before we leave."

"No. It won't be helpful. I haven't forgiven them yet."

"But you will?" he thinks that Sam's behavior is childish but does not think that it would be helpful to mention this now.

"I will eventually forgive my mother," Sam says with such finality that he does not dare to ask about Robert.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey - September 1914

.

"They've rejected me. They have truly rejected me." He stares at the letter in his hand. He cannot believe it. He has never felt so old.

"I am glad about that," Cora says and he stares at her. He came to her room after he had opened the letter from the army at the breakfast table. As he usually does he took Cora's letters to her and of course he told her he had been rejected. He did not expect her to be happy about it. Or rather he did not expect her _to say_ that she was happy about this development.

"You are glad that I am old," he snaps at her and she looks up.

"No. I am glad that you won't be killed. We may lose Sam and Matthew, but at least you will be here to stay."

"Oh, this war won't have many deaths. It will be over before we know it."

Cora now stares at him with her mouth half opened.

"You cannot be serious, Robert. Wars always last longer than expected. It may take years and many people will die. A war without deaths does not exist, nor will it ever exist."

He knows this is somehow connected to Cora's family's dealings with the American Civil War and so he does not ask any further. It often upsets Cora to talk about it and she shouldn't be upset now, it would not be good for the baby.

The baby.

"Well, I will be here for the birth of the baby. That is something to be happy about."

Cora now smiles at him and he sits down next to her.

"Thank you for saying that," she says and kisses his cheek.

"Now that the Army has officially rejected me, we could go to America after all," he says but to his great relief Cora shakes her head.

"No. We made the decision to stay. You are the leader of the county, whether you go to war or not."

He agrees with that. He does not think he ought to leave, although he would have done had Cora asked him to.

"I suppose everyone in the village knows by now that you are pregnant and have been for quite some time. But during a time of war such an untimely pregnancy seems to be viewed as romantic rather than scandalous."

Cora laughs about this and says "We've given the village something to talk about in any case." It makes him chuckle too because of course Cora is right. Isobel told him that she overheard several people talking about Cora's rather too advanced pregnancy in the post office but apparently those people also talked about what a nice person Cora was and of course he has to agree with them.

"Are you looking forward to being the father of a baby again?" Cora asks him and he takes her hands in his.

"Of course. I never wanted just once child, I wanted four or five and I think we would have had them had we gotten married in 1890. But Mary, and Sam, and the little one are three children and I won't complain."

Cora laughs at this again and then holds his hands against the bump of her stomach. He feels the baby move against his hand and the sensation utterly confuses him.

"I didn't know I could feel this," he says and knows that he must look like a little boy on Christmas morning.

"You can. The baby is saying hello to you. And telling us to pick a name."

"It won't be born before the end of November or the beginning of December. I don't think it needs a name yet." Cora shakes her head.

"You are incorrigible. I want to pick a name now so that we can try it out."

"I know," he sighs. Cora has been nagging him with this for weeks but he is afraid that if they pick out names they will jinx their happiness. Which does not mean that he hasn't thought about names. He couldn't stop it. All he could do was stopping himself from discussing them with Cora. But now that he looks at her and sees in her what he always wanted her to be, his wife, the mother of his children, even that barrier breaks.

"I have had some thoughts," he says unsurely.

Cora smiles at him and gives his hand a squeeze. "I knew you would have had some thoughts. A man as excited as you are about the arrival of his child cannot stop himself from thinking about names."

"For a boy, I've thought about William," he says and the astonishment on Cora's face makes him wonder what he has done wrong.

"You cannot be serious Robert," she says.

"Why?" he asks in utter bewilderment.

"Because I will not name both my sons William."

"What?" he asks and then the proverbial penny drops. "I forgot. You have always called Sam Sam. I forgot Samuel was his middle name and William his first name. Of course we can't name a boy William. I am sorry Cora, I truly am."

He expected her to give him a piece of her mind despite his apology, but instead she leans her head against his shoulder and sighs.

"I love you," she says out of the blue and automatically he puts his arm around her and pulls her close.

"I love you, too," he whispers and then kisses her head. "I've also thought about Edward or George."

"Mary already claimed the name George. She told me she wanted to name her first son George."

"Did she?" The idea that Mary was thinking about names for her children does not sit well with him. He does not feel like a grandfather and he doubts that he is ready for his little girl to have a baby.

"She is not pregnant Robert, don't worry about becoming a grandfather now."

He can't stop the chuckle. "What about Edward then?"

"I like the name."

"But you don't love it."

"You have another suggestion."

"You know me very well. I have another suggestion, yes. Nicholas." He looks at Cora who looks back at him and smiles.

"I like the name. Nicholas Robert." He gives Cora another kiss. He would like to name a son after him very much but he would not have asked for it.

"What about a girl?" she asks and he answers

"Julia Cora," right away.

Cora smiles at him, nods and he is grateful that she accepted the name without asking for a reason. He doesn't have one besides the obvious wish of wanting to name his daughter after his wife. He has always liked the name Julia. Rosamund had a doll named Julia and the name has always been on his mind. Not for Mary, he wanted to name his first born daughter Mary Josephine long before she was born, again plainly because he liked the sound of it. The names Edith and Sybil have come to his mind as well and he thinks that had Cora and he had daughters earlier they would have been named Edith and Sybil rather than Julia but somehow without being able to explain it, he thinks that Julia would now be more fitting.

.

Sam

Downton Abbey – October 1914

.

"Be careful. Don't play the hero. Please." He looks into his mother's eyes which are full of tears. He wishes he could tell her that he was not going to war, that we would not be fighting for his life, that he would stay and take care of his estate. But he can't. He volunteered and rightly so.

"I'll try my best." He looks at his mother and tries not to look at her obviously protruding abdomen. He still hasn't forgiven her and he can't forgive her. He knows this might be the last time he ever sees her and so he tries to be nice and gentle but he cannot forgive her. Why he doesn't know. Lilly thinks that he is too proud, that it is difficult for him to say that he might have been too harsh on her, that he is willing to take back his demands. He doesn't know whether Lilly is right, although she very well may be. He will miss her too of course, it will break his heart to leave her but she is brave and strong, much stronger and braver than he is.

Lilly told him that she would stay at Downton during the war, that she could neither face being all by herself at Woodland Manor, nor face staying with her own parents during such a stressful time as this. He understands that wish and did not object. His mother and Robert _are_ nice and they will be kind to her. But _he_ can hardly face his mother and he cannot face Robert.

When it is his time to say goodbye to Robert, his stepfather holds out his hand and for a moment he considers not shaking it but he is a gentleman and so he takes the offered hand without looking Robert into his eyes.

Lilly tells him she loves him, he tells her he loves her too, promises not to risk his life, a promise he knows he cannot keep and then Matthew and he are ushered into a car, taken to the train station in Downton, they change trains at York, get out in London and are sent off to war.

The whole journey he debates with himself whether he has done the right thing, whether he shouldn't at least have pretended to have forgiven his mother. She does not deserve her last memory of him to be of a fight and he does not want to seem ungrateful. He knows his mother has done a lot for him and given up a lot for him. But she raised him to be an honorable gentleman, having an affair herself all the while and he just cannot accept that. No matter how often Lilly tells him that feelings cannot always be controlled and that he should be glad that his mother found love. He wishes he could agree with his wife.

His refusal and inability to forgive his mother and Robert drove quite a wedge between Lilly and him for some time but the more likely the war seemed the less willing to fight they were and they agreed to disagree.

He is glad that Lilly and he are able to look beyond their differences so easily, it would have been incredibly painful for him to leave Lilly and not be on the best of terms with her. She is his wife and he loves her. His thoughts now drift off to his and Lilly's future and despite all the happiness, despite all the love that he feels for his wife there is one thing that makes him wonder, one thing that worries him.

The fact that after almost six months of marriage Lilly is still not pregnant. She keeps telling him not to worry, that they were still young and had 25 years of trying and possibilities ahead of them but he does worry. He needs an heir. That is his greatest responsibility.

"What is it?" Matthew asks and he shrugs his shoulders before he realizes that Matthew is going through the same thing.

"Lilly is still not pregnant and I need an heir."

"So do I," Matthew replies and stares out of the window. "I've been thinking about going to a specialist in London. I wonder if it is my fault."

He nods because he has been wondering about this too. It could of course be Lilly, there could be a problem with her but there could just as well be a problem with him.

"It is a lot of pressure."

"Yes," Matthew says and stares out the window again.

"If I die in this war, the family line will die. There is no other heir."

Matthew looks at him as if he wasn't sure what to say.

"I am not sure if there is another Crawley heir. I should have asked Robert. I am sure that he knows."

"He may have produced another heir," he says and Matthew grins.

"Of course and that would be an immense relief. I could go back to being a lawyer after the war. I'd still help with the estate of course and help Mary's brother if it ever became necessary, but the responsibility would not be mine anymore."

"That would be nice," Sam replies. "I have had that responsibility my whole life. My mother tried to take it away from me but I have been told constantly to do this and not do that because I was a duke. My nanny and my tutor were gentle with it but most of the staff at our houses and teachers at Eton were everything but gentle. The staff catered to my every need but at the same time they never let me forget that I was not free."

"I am sorry," Matthew says and he knows that he genuinely feels sorry.

"Maybe that is why I am going to war. Because on the battle field no one will care whether I am a duke or a hall boy. The enemy will try to kill me all the same."

"You just have to be careful then not to be killed," Matthew says and he finds himself nodding. This is not, cannot ever be a suicide mission.

* * *

AN: I hope you liked this chapter. There will be more Cobert in the next chapter but I thought that I could not just disregard the war and I think that the war offers an opportunity to learn more about Sam and Matthew's personalities and is also a great opportunity for them to become very close friends. They are friends already at this point of the chapter but I am planning to take their friendship a little further (just as I did in most of the other stories in this universe).

Please let me know what you think of this chapter!

Kat


	26. Chapter 26

Robert

Downton Abbey – Early December 1914

.

"Everything is going smoothly," Sir Phillip Tapsell says to him and he nods. A breath he did not know he was holding escapes him and he falls back into his chair exhausted.

He asked Tapsell to attend the birth of this child. He was there for Mary's birth and Robert just does not think that Clarkson is the right man for the job. Dr. Clarkson is a very nice and good country doctor but he is not a specialist. Regardless of all his arguing, Cora insisted that Clarkson be present for the birth as well and he agreed and apologized to Tapsell profusely. However, Sir Phillip said that he was glad to teach a country doctor one or two things. Robert dearly hopes that Tapsell did not repeat those words to Clarkson because the Scottish doctor would be greatly offended.

Someone pats his hand and he sees that it is Mary. "Don't worry Papa. Cora is strong. Only a few more hours and she will have made it. You'll be holding your child in your arms with Cora next to you exclaiming how much he or she looks like you."

It makes him laugh heartily and he squeezes Mary's hand in thanks. "Go to bed, Mary," he says and she nods thankfully. It is after all 4:30 in the morning. Lilly went to bed hours ago and Mary has been swaying on her feet for quite some time now.

"You should go to be too, Mama," he says looking at his mother. As always, she sits perched on one of the sofa's in the library, a lady through and through.

"No, I want to be here."

"You can sleep in a guest room. I'll have a maid prepare it for you." Again his mother shakes his head with an expression of great concern on her face.

"No. It was right of you to send Mary to bed. She has never given birth and we don't want her to be scared. But I know what it is like and I don't think I should leave. There should be one woman awake in the house who has done it before."

"Oh Mama, Cora has done it before," he says and shakes his head.

"Yes, but she won't remember that now. Giving birth feels like losing your mind."

He shakes his head again and then begins to stare into the fire. He can't quite manage to stop the uneasy feeling in his stomach but he supposes that it normal. His darling wife is giving birth and regardless of the medical advances made in the last few decades, giving birth is still live-threatening. But Tapsell said that it was going smoothly and if Tapsell says so then it must be right.

.

Violet

Downton Abbey – Early Decemeber 1914

.

She is so tired and would have like nothing more than to lie down in bed but she can't. Cora does not trust Tapsell and neither does she. She does not think that he is an inexperienced doctor, he is quite the opposite, but he has never once examined Cora until two days ago whereas Clarkson has overseen most of her pregnancy and talked to the doctor that Cora attended in London before she married Robert.

Clarkson asked about Sam's birth in detail, took notes and did research, whereas Tapsell only brushed it off, saying that sometimes women believed to be barren became pregnant after several years or decades.

She hears the angry voices before Robert does and gets up from her seat before he does. When Tapsell and Clarkson enter the library, Tapsell looks at Clarkson and whispers a rather loud 'keep your country doctor opinions to yourself'. Violet is sure that Tapsell intended Robert and her to hear this comment.

"What is it?" she asks and Tapsell sighs exasperatedly.

"It is nothing. Absolutely nothing," he says.

"It is not nothing," Clarkson shoots back. "Lady Grantham seems to be losing her mind. That is not nothing."

"But isn't that normal?" Robert asks and Violet can hear the shaking plead in her son's voice.

"Of course it is," Tapsell says the moment that Clarkson says "Not this way." While her helpless son stares at the two fighting doctors, she moves towards the door and gives Clarkson an imperceptible nod. They walk up the stairs together and enter Cora's room and the moment she sees her daughter-in-law, she too knows that it is not 'nothing'. Cora clearly is out of her mind. When they enter her room, she looks at them and says "get the Duke," and when she automatically replies that Sam was in France, Cora stares at her and says "My husband. Who is Sam? And who are you? I didn't know midwifes dressed so fancily these days." For a split second it angers her that Cora takes her for a midwife but she reminds herself that Cora is not herself right now.

"What is it?" she asks Clarkson and adds "Be quick. Lord Grantham will want to take Tapsell's advice. He puts too much store into titles."

"I think it is pre-eclampsia. Lady Grantham's feet and legs are clearly swollen, her blood pressure is too high and the baby seems to be small."

"Those are all signs for pre-eclampsia?" she asks and the doctor nods.

"I am afraid so."

"Is it dangerous?"

"Very. If I had to give an estimate that would be that Lady Grantham will not make it through the night and the baby will only survive if it is born very soon." This shocks her, it almost literally knocks her off her feet but the piercing scream that Cora gives somehow seems to clear Violet's head.

"Is there anything that can be done?"

Clarkson looks at her hesitantly.

"Dr. Clarkson?" she asks and Clarkson looks at Cora one more time and then says

"I'd suggest taking her to the hospital and operate."

"Operate what?"

"We must deliver the baby early by a caesarian."

"Won't that kill Lady Grantham for sure?" She had always been told that a delivery by caesarian was the last possible option if one was already sure that the mother was about to die.

"Her chances of survival would not be good but better than they are now."

"Do it then," she says without thinking. This is nothing to overthink. People think too much anyway. If Cora is close to death then they should do what Dr. Clarkson suggests.

"I want to see my wife," she hears Robert shout in the hallway and she guesses that Tapsell has told Robert, however dismissively, about Clarkson's diagnosis.

"No good can come of this," Tapsell shouts when Robert bursts through the door. Without looking at either her or Clarkson he storms to Cora's bed and takes her hand.

"Darling," he says and Cora stares at him blankly.

"Robert?" she asks full of confusion. "You have gotten old. What are you doing here? Where is my husband?"

"I am your husband," Robert says and the pain in his voice almost makes Violet cry.

"No, no. You married someone else. This is wrong. Get the duke, please."

Robert looks at her and suddenly she doesn't see her son as the 44 years old man that he is but as a five year old who is about to lose his first pet and begs her to help save the life of the most precious living soul in the world to him. She was not able to help when Robert was five and that dog ate that poisoned food but she is able to help now.

"She needs to go to the hospital."

"That is ridiculous," Tapsell says in the background.

"Why?" Robert asks and Tapsell wants to answer but she is faster than him.

"Because Cora has pre-eclampsia. The baby needs to be born now. Dr. Clarkson has to perform a Caesarian."

"That will kill her," Robert and Tapsell says at the same time and Clarkson steps forward.

"Very likely, yes, Lord Grantham. But if we do not get the child out of her now Lady Grantham will die as well."

"Rubbish," says Tapsell and begins to tell Robert why exactly Clarkson has no idea about aristocrats giving birth. She sees that Robert is swaying and she knows that he will never forgive himself if Cora dies. So she puts a hand on his shoulder and he turns around, leaving Tapsell in mid-sentence.

"Robert, in this room there are only two people who have ever given birth and I am one of them and this not normal. Clarkson is right. And with all due respect to Sir Phillipp, I am convinced that aristocratic women give birth exactly the same way as farmer's wives do. And Dr. Clarkson has delivered more than half the people living in this village. Listen to him, Robert. Please."

At that moment Cora screams again and tears shoot into Robert's eyes. He turns to Clarkson and asks

"How are her chances of survival if you operate her now?"

"Infinitesimal. And they become smaller by the minute."

"Take her to the hospital," Robert whispers and then leaves the room.

.

Robert

Downton Village Cottage Hospital – Early December 1914

.

This is the worst night of his life. His wife, the only woman he ever loved, the woman he made his mistress for decades although she deserved so much more, is about to die giving birth to his child. That child will not have a mother and he will have to explain to Sam why Cora is dead. The boy will likely want to kill him and rightly so.

Killing. Being dead.

He decides that if Cora dies he will go to the front. He will find a way to make the army accept him, he will volunteer as cannon fodder. He is sure he will be shot dead and that is what he wants. Because without Cora he can't live. And how could he raise a child, knowing that it was his fault that it is motherless? Cora was pregnant because of him.

Mary and Matthew or Sam and Lilly could raise the child. They'd be much better parents than he could ever be without Cora by his side. He would not be able to deal with the pain of raising his and Cora's child without her by his side. The child would be a constant reminder of Cora's death. He isn't even sure he would be able to love the child. He'd probably hate it for taking Cora away from him. So he must die and leave the child in more capable hands than his own.

.

.

"Lord Grantham?"

He looks up and stares at the nurse. He hadn't even realized he was in the hospital waiting room until she talked to him.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to meet your daughter?"

"Mary?" he asks. He had hoped Mary would have stayed home.

"Is that what you will name her? It is a beautiful name."

"So it is a girl?"

"Yes."

"And she is alive."

"Yes," the nurse replies and he sees in her eyes that she does not know about Cora.

"Take me to her, then," he says.

He follows the nurse and watches her take a small bundle out of a cot. She turns to him and automatically he takes the baby from her and looks into his daughter's face. The little girl looks back at him and when he strokes her cheek with his finger she grabs the finger and holds onto it. All thoughts of wanting to go to the front and be shot dead vanish from his mind and thoughts.

"Welcome to the world, Lady Julia Cora," he says to her and the nurse says "So, no Mary after all?"

He thinks about explaining it to her but then just shakes his head. What does he care if the nurse misunderstood him?

"She is small but doing very well. She will make it," the nurse says with confidence and he feels himself nod.

"What about my wife?" he asks and the nurse says "We don't know yet."

"But she is still alive?"

"Miraculously, she is," the nurse replies and a wave of relief washes over him. If Cora has made it this far, she might survive.

"Take us to her please," he says and the nurse tells him to put Julia back into her cot.

"No," he says. "I'll take her with me. I know how to handle a baby."

"The wet nurse will have to feed her soon."

"Then send the nurse to me and pick up Lady Julia when the time has come."

The nurse nods and silently takes him to Cora. She has her eyes closed but Dr. Clarkson assures him that she is only asleep.

"She has made it this far," he says and there is a glimmer of hope in his voice.

"When will know whether she survives?" he asks.

"Lord Grantham," Clarkson says. "Your wife is still very likely to die. Her chances are still infinitesimal. Spend some time with her now because in all likelihood you won't be able to do so again." Apparently the glimmer of hope he had thought to have detected in the doctor's voice only seconds ago was his wishful thinking only. He nods and sits down next to Cora. All the others leave the room and he puts Julia on Cora's chest.

"Here she is, Cora. Our little lady."

Cora stirs at this and opens her eyes. He has never seen her eyes so lifeless.

He takes one of Cora's hands and puts it on their daughter, but he doesn't let go, because he knows that Cora is too weak to hold her by herself. But he is sure that she knows what he has done because her face relaxes a little.

"She is perfect, darling."

"She is yours," Cora says hardly audible.

"She is ours," he replies. He knows what Cora meant, he will have to take care of her on his own. He has to be there for her, no matter how hard it might be.

"I am tired, Robert."

"Then go to sleep my darling." She only nods and her breathing becomes shallower but also more even and it isn't stopping. He keeps holding her hand and their child and he watches them for what feels like an eternity. Eventually the nurse comes in because the baby needs to be fed and he asks the nurse to bring the girl back as soon as possible. He tells Cora why their daughter isn't with them when she begins to stir and somehow that seems to calm her down. He puts their girl back onto Cora once the nurse has returned her and Cora's breathing eases again. Eventually he becomes so tired himself that he knows that he won't be able to hold their daughter in place any longer.

So he takes the child and says "We won't leave," and then places a second chair next to Cora's bed. He sits on one, puts his feet onto the other, puts his daughter onto his chest, holds her with one hand and takes Cora's hand in his other hand. He knows that if he falls asleep he will wake up holding his dead wife's hand but at least this way they will have spent one night together. Cora, him and their baby girl.

The baby cries twice more during the night and the nurse comes in each time and takes her away for a short while and when she returns the second time, Cora is still alive. So he asks for Doctor Clarkson but the doctor shatters all the hopes he has tried to keep at bay anyway.

"She won't live. She does not seem strong enough, she is hardly breathing. She has got no chance. She lost too much blood and she is too weak. It is a miracle she has held out this long. But she will die within the next hour."

He only nods and sits down the way he did before. This time when he takes Cora's hand, she squeezes it and it drives tears into his eyes, because the moment she does, he knows that he will never feel her squeeze his hand again.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the long time between updates but there were too many other things going on. I took part of this story from the original 'The Affair', although I've changed the context a bit.

I decided to give Cora pre-eclampsia because naturally Sybil will not be part of this story and I have always wondered what would happened had Violet been present for Sybbie's birth.

Thank you so much for the encouraging reviews, I appreciate all of them. I hope to able to update again within the next week as my workload has weakened a bit but I can't make any promises.

Let me know what you think of this chapter.

Have a great day,

Kat


	27. Chapter 27

Matthew

Christmas Eve 1914 – somewhere on a French battlefield

.

"I have a sister and you are still the next earl." He looks at Sam in bewilderment.

"What?"

"My mother's had a girl. Thank the heavens. I would have hated for you to lose the earldom because my mother cannot keep herself under control."

Matthew sighs. For months he has tried to talk Sam into forgiving his mother and Robert but to no avail.

"Sam it is Christmas. Don't you think it was time you took a different view on the matter?"

"You said you wouldn't mention it anymore."

"I changed my mind. Your family is my family too. Your mother is my mother-in-law, your stepfather is my father-in-law, I am married to stepsister."

"Step, step, step. What do I care? I don't give a shit."

"Sam, please."

He shivers because it is cold and it has been raining for days. They have been sitting in the trenches doing nothing. How he wishes he could sit at Downton around the Christmas tree. But no, that is not possible because they have to fight a stupid war. As if it was his problem that the future emperor of Austria was shot in July. Of course he knows it is not that simple, not at all, but here he is, in the trenches shivering because of the cold, celebrating Christmas the worst way imaginable.

"Why please? As if my mother cared. You should read her letter. It is too cheerful for times like these."

Matthew really takes Cora's letter out of Sam's hand and it is a cheerful letter, full of stories about little Julia's first week. It does not say anything about Cora herself, something Sam does not seem to be bothered about and something that does not surprise Matthew. Mary sent him a letter too, detailing the first two days after Julia's birth which had apparently been a disaster. According to Mary her little sister had to be born by an emergency caesarian because Cora had been very ill. For about a day the doctor had been sure that Cora would not survive and had called it a miracle when she did.

Matthew almost says something to Sam about the birth when Sam gets up and stares over the edge of the trench.

"Are you crazy?" he asks Sam.

"No. But the Germans are crazy. Listen."

He strains his ears and what he hears are German soldiers singing Silent Night. And only a second later he hears some of his fellow English soldiers join the choir, a minute later just about everyone on the battlefield is singing the same song. In different languages, but it is the same song with the same meaning.

Why do we kill each other? Matthew asks himself but doesn't say anything. He just stares at the noman's land between his army and the German army and sees German and English soldiers alike, some of them setting up a football field. He cannot believe it. He watches the soldiers play and can't help thinking about the fact that in 6 or 12 hours they will shoot at each other again.

"What a strange Christmas," Sam says to him and he can only nod.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – Christmas Eve 1914

.

He listens as Cora, along with all their servants, sings 'God rest ye merry gentlemen'. He loves to hear her sing and this song has been her favorite Christmas carol as long as he has known her. She once told him that she had heard it for the first time during her first Christmas in England and has since loved it. He decides then and there to make sure that this carol will be sung at Downton Abbey every Christmas as long as the house stands.

Involuntarily he puts a hand on her shoulder. This is easy for him because while he and everyone around them are standing, Cora is sitting. She needs to sit because she hasn't healed completely yet and although she wants to disregard Dr. Clarkson's orders of not getting up, he has insisted on it. He carried her down the stairs so she could join the festivities and while she protested that she could walk herself, he knew that she also enjoys being pampered by him.

And by god, does he enjoy pampering her. He had been sure to lose her, sure she would die. Clarkson had told him repeatedly that he was sure that Cora would die and her breathing became shallower and shallower until, slowly and almost unnoticeable at first it became stronger again. For a moment, Robert can't stop remembering those fateful hours.

 _It is becoming stronger. He keeps thinking that Cora's breathing is becoming stronger but he does not dare to call Dr. Clarkson. He is sure the doctor will tell him that it means nothing or that he is imagining it. But he does not want to hear it and he is sure that he is right. He stares at Cora and Julia lying on her chest. Julia moves up and down, ever so slightly and if Cora's breathing wasn't getting stronger he is sure he would not see Julia moving with her mother's chest. The little girl looks content, as if nothing in this world could bother her. Her eyes are closed, every eyelash formed to perfection and her tiny hands form fists, one fist grabbing Cora's nightshirt._

 _The nurse told him to take the baby off Cora, that it was too dangerous but he thinks that as long as he is awake this cannot be dangerous. And he cannot be sure how often he will get to see this sight. Cora may die, after all._

 _For the millionth time he prays to god that she doesn't. Because how would he be able to deal with that? Cora and he are supposed to be happy. After two decades of hiding and unhappy marriages they should finally be allowed to be happy and for him to be completely happy, Cora needs to be alive._

 _He feels as if their relationship had been doomed to failure from the first day on. He did not realize what he felt for her until it was too late. When he finally came to his senses he couldn't find a way to divorce his first wife and when she died Cora and he had to get married in a rush because of Julia. A war broke out the day they married, both Sam and Matthew left for France and they cannot be sure that they will ever see them alive again. But Cora and Julia are alive, at least for now. And he wants to stay this way._

 _"_ _Lord Grantham?" Dr. Clarkson asks and he looks at the man he is sure will pronounce his wife's eminent death in just about a minute._

 _"_ _Yes?"_

 _"_ _Since when has Lady Grantham's breathing become stronger again?"_

 _"_ _So it is stronger?"_

 _"_ _Yes."_

 _"_ _I don't know when it started but it has been a while."_

 _"_ _Hm," the doctor says and takes Cora's pulse, temperature and blood pressure._

 _The doctor doesn't say anything until he has finished examining Cora and then looks at him._

 _"_ _I still like to be cautious about this but it appears that Lady Grantham has been very, very lucky."_

 _"_ _What?" He becomes dizzy with relief and only then realizes that Clarkson must have passed him the baby before the examination._

 _"_ _She seems to be on her way to healing. I would like to check the wound."_

 _Robert does not bother to leave the room and Dr. Clarkson does not seem to want him to leave._

 _"_ _It looks well. Or rather as good as it can look right now. I think Lady Grantham will survive."_

 _He can't stop the tears from falling and Clarkson does not seem to be embarrassed by them._

 _"_ _I cannot promise anything, Lord Grantham. But my experience tells me that Lady Julia's chances of growing up with her father and mother are rather big."_

 _"_ _Thank you," he mumbles and then looks into the doctor's eyes. "And I would like to apologize about Tapsell."_

 _Clarkson cocks his head to one side and then says "I suppose you could not know how arrogant and incompetent that fool is."_

 _Robert stifles a chuckle and watches Clarkson leave the room._

 _"_ _Robert?" he turns around and sees that Cora's eyes are open. "Water."_

 _With relief washing all over him he pours water into a glass with one hand while holding Julia with the other._

 _._

Mary

Downton Abbey – New Year's Eve 1914

.

"Only a few more minutes in the old year," her father says and she looks at him. She sees the worry and sorrow in his eyes that he has been trying to hide since Christmas Eve. But she knows it is there and Cora knows it too, she is sure.

"Yes, Papa. Then why are you in here all by yourself?"

"I needed a moment of peace and quiet."

"And you can't get that with us?" she asks and hopes her father realizes that she is only joking.

"Did you realize that I was the only man in that room?"

"Well, you send Carson and William downstairs to celebrate with the other servants."

She pretends not to know what he is talking about.

"Mary, why am I not fighting? I should be in France, making sure the Germans are defeated. I should not be here, celebrating the New Year."

She closes her eyes for a second and doesn't know what to tell her father.

"I promised Cora I wouldn't fight before the baby was born. But then Cora was so ill that I did not dare to offer my services to the army."

"And rightly so. Cora has only just been allowed to walk on her own again. She needed you. More than the army needed you."

"Do you really think so?"

"Oh Papa, without you Cora would not have made it, I am sure. And the county needs her. She has to organize charity events to raise money for the hospital and whoever else needs help. That is much more effective than you shooting a few Germans."

"You are right, I suppose," her father says and she knows what he will say next.

"I am going to offer my services to the army tomorrow. A new year, a new start."

She only nods and leaves the room. She knows there is no use in trying to talk her father out of this. He will offer his services and he will be highly disappointed when they tell him that they don't want him. Because why would they want him? There are younger men of lesser rank available. If her father was 15 years younger the army would probably take him but she thinks and hopes that the combination of his age and his title will prevent him from going to war. It would be unbearable for her to not only have to fear for her husband's but also for her father's life.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – New Year's Day 1915

.

"Robert, you are out of mind." She cannot believe it. How can he want to join the army? He'll be killed in no time.

"I certainly am not of my mind. Don't you see that I have to do my duty to king and country?"

"King and country? What about your duty to Julia and me?"

"That is what you don't understand Cora. By doing my duty to king and country I am doing my duty to Julia and you. And my mother and Mary. And the county."

She just stares at Robert. She had been sure that he would not offer his services. Chances of him being conscripted are rather slim as there is no conscription in the British army. So if he just did not offer his services, he would not have to go to war. Unless the war went on and on and the British would change their mind about conscription. But even then it was unlikely that a married earl in his forties with a very young child would be called up for duty.

"But you would be risking your life," she says and Robert stares at her.

"Yes. Just like Sam and Matthew and about a million other men who have already volunteered. You did not try to stop Sam from signing up."

"I wish I could have. But he is young and doesn't have any children. The only person who would have had a right to stop him was Lilly."

"And she didn't try to stop him."

"No. But she also did not wait over twenty years for him to marry her. He married her right away." She knows it was a low shot and she sees in Robert's face that she hurt him with it. He looks out the window for a moment and then rounds on her.

"Don't you think that I have regretted not marrying you when I was 19 ever since the day I married Phillippa? Not a day goes by that I do not want to kick myself because of it. I know you paid the higher price for my foolishness but don't think that I haven't paid for it dearly."

"Oh did you pay for it? Really?" She hates herself for these questions the moment they are out of her mouth. Robert stares at her uncomprehendingly and she can't stop herself from going on.

"You stayed married to your first wife because it was convenient and you did not want the scandal of a divorce. And you still had me just as well."

She wants to apologize right away but Robert turns around, leaves the room and bangs the door. All she wants to do is lie down and cry but at that moment Julia wakes up in the room next door and she needs to feed her.

"I am afraid I gave your father one more reason to join the army," she says to the little girl who looks at her as if she understood what her mother had said.

.

.

"Cora? Darling, wake up". She opens her eyes and sees Robert sitting next to her bed.

"You have to get dressed for dinner soon."

She expects Robert to leave but he stays seated on her bed. "I just wanted you to know that I have offered my services. I've already posted the letter so there is nothing more to be done about it. Cora, I want you to understand that I did it because it is my duty, not to make you angry."

"I owe you an apology for things I've said," she says and Robert looks down for just a moment.

"No, you don't need to apologize. You fought tooth and nail to keep me here. That is a strong sign for your love for me." She wants to reply but reminds herself that Robert hates to talk about his feelings, so she just nods and kisses him on his lips. He smiles at her and she knows that they are alright again. Until the day he has to leave for war because she will not be able to stop herself from trying to stop him leaving.

However, the army might not even want Robert and that is her strongest hope.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the long wait again. I now have a little more time on my hands (not much) but also have writer's block. I am not sure where to take this story and when to end it, so I am just a bit lost.

Hope you like this chapter anyway.

Kat


	28. Chapter 28

_..._

 _"Cora? Darling, wake up". She opens her eyes and sees Robert sitting next to her bed._

 _"You have to get dressed for dinner soon."_

 _She expects Robert to leave but he stays seated on her bed. "I just wanted you to know that I have offered my services. I've already posted the letter so there is nothing more to be done about it. Cora, I want you to understand that I did it because it is my duty, not to make you angry."_

 _"I owe you an apology for things I've said," she says and Robert looks down for just a moment._

 _"No, you don't need to apologize. You fought tooth and nail to keep me here. That is a strong sign for your love for me." She wants to reply but reminds herself that Robert hates to talk about his feelings, so she just nods and kisses him on his lips. He smiles at her and she knows that they are alright again. Until the day he has to leave for war because she will not be able to stop herself from trying to stop him leaving._

 _However, the army might not even want Robert and that is her strongest hope._

* * *

Chapter 28

Robert

Downton Abbey – November 1917

.

He stares at his daughter, now almost three years old. He wonders what to give her for her birthday and for Christmas. It shouldn't be too much, there is a war on after all and Julie is very likely to show all her presents off to the soldiers and nurses around her.

Downton Abbey was turned into a convalescent home three months ago and with every soldier that enters his home, Robert feels worse. He is not fighting, was not allowed to fight, the army did not want him. And he does not understand why. He did not even go to a medical, he was rejected right away. When he asked he was told that he had done his duty during the South African war and that he was not needed. Conscription ends at 41 and married men with children at home do not always have to go in any case. Especially not if they are Earls. But he wants to fight, he wants to help, he wants to serve his king and country.

Cora told him that he was serving his king and country by keeping up the morale in the county and by turning his home into a convalescent home. But even that felt half-hearted, especially as Sam and Lilly already offered their home as a hospital in 1915. "Well, I had a place to go to," Lilly told him when he mentioned this to her. His relationship to Lilly is very good, she has been living with them permanently for two years now and he thinks of her as his daughter-in-law and loves her almost as much as he loves Matthew.

Sam on the other hand proves to be much more stubborn than either Robert himself or Cora ever anticipated. He has been on leave from the army a few times but he always asked Cora and Lilly to come to London and explicitly said that he did not want his step-father to come. It drives Robert wild because there is nothing he has ever done to the boy that deserves this kind of treatment.

"War can bring out the worst in us," Matthew said the last time he was home and told Robert to be patient. But he finds it hard to believe that Sam will forgive him. Cora said that Sam had been friendly but rather distant with her, although she too attributed this behavior to the war. Matthew on the other hand, seems to be more open to him and has talked about things to him he knows he would never mention to Mary. The joy that sometimes can't be stopped when an enemy is killed and shame felt afterwards.

"Papa?" he looks down at Julie who is now pulling at his hand. "Papa, come with me. I want to show you something."

As usual he cannot resist his daughter and lets himself be pulled into the kitchen by her. On their way there several officers laugh at them and call out "Hello, Lady Julia," which she answers with a "Hello, sir," every time.

"Papa look. I baked a cake for Mama." Julie is as proud as pie and he does not have the heart to tell her that as a lady she should not be baking cakes. But then again she is not yet three years old and he spent a lot of time in the kitchen when he was her age.

"Very well done, my darling girl," he says and then asks "who helped you?"

"Daisy did, Papa." So he asks for Daisy and thanks her. "Not at all my lord," the young kitchen maid replies. "We are all very glad to have Lady Julia with us. She is very kind and helpful." He looks at Mrs. Patmore who nods in agreement and decides not to comment. Even his little daughter is more helpful than him.

"Papa, may I stay down here? Please?" He looks at Carson who has just entered the room and nods at him.

"Yes. I tell Nanny to get you shortly before tea," he says and leaves. While walking up the stairs he can hear Julie begging Carson to sing for her.

"You have a wonderful family, Lord Grantham," an injured officer says to him when he crosses the hall. It is very unusual for the officers to speak to him. He is the only member of the family they don't regularly speak to.

"Thank you," he says and wants to move on but the officer shakes his hand. "You do. Your wife and daughters are remarkable. And so are your heir's mother and your daughter-in-law. Imagine a duchess serving me tea. But she does it. And she writes my letters for me, because, you see, I can't." The man holds up too bandaged hands, the left arm obviously does not have a hand anymore.

"Your little daughter, Lady Julia, she told me she was just learning how to write and that she would teach me as soon as the bandage came off my right hand. You see, I am left-handed."

He just stares at the man.

"Lady Mary has also been very kind. She talks to me sometimes about things other than the war. It helps. And your wife does such good work here. I see her running about all day long, telling the servants what to do, keeping the peace between the house staff and the people send from the army."

"Thank you for telling me this," Robert says and walks away. He does not want to hear any more about what the women of his family do to help the war effort while he does absolutely nothing.

Some part of him would have liked to tell that soldier that Cora's involvement in the convalescent home came at a price but it is not that man's business.

Robert sometimes feels as if he had lost his wife to the war. He only sees her for dinner and even then she is usually talking about one thing or another that needs to be done. He hasn't had a real conversation with her in months.

"I am ever so sorry, your lordship," the new maid says to him after she almost ran him over. She must have lost her balance trying to carry two brooms and three buckets.

He nods at her and she smiles and the smile sends a jolt right through him. He looks into her eyes and sees mirth and a little mischief there and then he notices her perfect teeth and her perfect smile.

"You are Jane, aren't you?" he asks an she nods.

"Yes, my lord," she says, curtseys and leaves. He watches her and sees the sway in her hips and thinks that he can just about make out the lower half of her body beneath her frock.

'Stop it,' he tells himself. He must not start to fantasize about women that aren't Cora. Cora. He sighs. Not only have they stopped talking to each other but they have also stopped to sleep with each other. They still sleep next to each other but Cora is always too tired and he gave up weeks ago. Although he very much would like to sleep with Cora. And then his thoughts return to Jane. She has been married, she must be experienced. And if she loved her husband, she would have enjoyed sex and maybe she misses it just as much as he misses it.

'Stop it,' he tells himself again but makes a mental note to seduce Cora that evening.

.

Sam

Somewhere in Northern France– The same day

.

"I don't even know where we are," he says to Matthew and stares at the map.

"Right here." Matthew points at the map and he nods.

"As if it mattered. We are either going to kill or be killed. That is all there is to it."

"Yes," Matthew says and stares ahead. "And neither one of us has yet produced an heir."

"No. But I don't regard that as most important now. And I am not worried. I've seen Lilly six times since the beginning of the ware and never for longer than a week. I am not surprised there is no child yet. She will either become pregnant after the war or if I am killed we will not have child at all. I am glad about that, in fact. I do not want my son to become a duke when he is still wearing diapers just because his father died. Believe me, that is not as much fun as it sounds."

"It can't have been. But it wasn't all bad, was it?"

He knows Matthew is trying to cheer him up and Matthew knows enough about him to be able to do so. "No, there were fun parts as well. I never really got into trouble at school, being a duke."

"I wish that were true for me," Matthew says and grins. According to his stories, Matthew was a little mischievous when younger and Sam can believe that very easily.

Over the years of the war their friendship has become much stronger than it was before. Maybe that is because they are members of the same family and maybe they just get along well. But it is their friendship that keeps both of them sane.

"What do you think? How much longer will this war last?" he asks Matthew who has now sat down on the makeshift bed and started to clean his boots.

"I don't know. I hope not much longer but I wouldn't bet on it."

All he does is nod because he agrees. Matthew and he have talked about this extensively in the past three years and they have never come up with an answer.

"Crawley, Suffolk, patrol!" their commander yells and so they reluctantly get up, try to find their batmen and leave.

They are supposed to go close to the enemy lines but not cross them and the closer they get to the enemy lines, the more distinct the German they hear becomes. Sam is pretty sure they are somewhere in noman's land when Matthew's batman Mason says that he thinks that they have crossed the line. "I am not sure," his own batman replies and Sam says

"Let's go back a few paces then".

Then he hears a shot and feels a burning in his back.

.

Robert

Later that same day – Downton Abbey

.

For some reasons Robert thinks that his success regarding his plan of seducing Cora is important for their marriage. If he can't do it, they are finished. They will be as unhappy in this marriage as they were in their previous ones. So he takes a few deep breaths before he enters Cora's bedroom but instead of finding Cora in her nightdress, sitting on her bed, reading, he sees her standing at the window, head bent.

"Cora?" he asks and she turns around slowly. Her face looks as if it had aged 10 years within a few minutes, her eyes are hollow and bloodshot and in her right hand she holds a handkerchief and something that looks like a telegram.

All thoughts of seducing her vanish when he takes in her looks and he walks forward and without saying a word he gently eases the telegram from her hand.

What he reads makes him want to vomit onto the carpet.

"Oh my darling, I am so sorry."

"Mrs. Hughes brought it to me while I was getting ready for bed."

"I'll telephone the war office. They must know more than this."

Cora nods and then says "I have to tell Lilly."

"Wait until I know more. There is no use in telling her now."

Cora again nods and sits down on her bed.

He leaves the room and walks towards the telephone in a daze.

Apparently the war office is now working day and night because the telephone there is answered right away and when he states his request they ask him to wait. Every second feels like a minute. He should be with Cora now.

"Lord Grantham?" the voice on the other end of the line asks.

"Yes?"

"Captian Suffolk is being sent home. He has already left the field hospital. Captain Crawley is with him. He will have to report to the War Office, no doubt to answer questions about his escape."

"Why is Captain Suffolk sent home?" he asks and feels the receiver shaking in his hand.

"He is being sent home for treatment."

"So he is still alive?"

"According to my information, yes."

"Hm," he says. "Thank you," and then hangs up the phone.

He walks up the stairs and then towards Cora's bedroom telling himself that 'being sent home for treatment' was much better than 'being treated at a field hospital'. With a bullet in his back, Sam would die in a field hospital. Robert wonders what to tell Cora. That he knows that Sam had been shot in the back? It would probably make her worry about his ability to walk and to produce children. But if he kept it from her, wouldn't she be angry at him once she found out that he did keep this information secret?

"Papa? What is going on? Carson said you were phoning the war office." Mary has seemingly magically appeared in front of him. He was so lost in his thoughts that he did not see her.

"I did. Matthew is coming home." Mary's face first shows obvious joy but within less than a second it is full of the deepest worry.

"He is still in one piece, Mary," he says and runs his knuckles over Mary's left cheek. "He is bringing Sam home."

Mary just stares him, uncomprehendingly.

"Sam has been gravely injured and is being sent home for treatment. Matthew is accompanying him. The War Office wants to talk to him, that is why they sent him home as well. He will come here first though I believe. If they sent Sam here. They might just as well sent him to Woodland Manor, his house has been turned into a hospital after all. I should call the War Office again, tell them to send him here instead. But I have to talk to your mother first."

Mary nods, gives him a peck on the cheek and then says "If Cora or you need anything let me know."

"Would you tell Lilly?" he asks her. He thinks that it would be too difficult for Cora to tell her and Mary, for all her seeming coldness, is much better at delivering bad news.

"Of course Papa. I'll speak to her now." Mary walks off and he takes a deep breath, walks towards Cora's room and finds her still at the window, shaking.

Robert puts his arms around Cora from behind and kisses her temple. "Sam is being sent home for treatment. Matthew is coming with him. They must have been caught behind enemy lines but escaped. Don't ask me how. The War Office doesn't know, they want to question Matthew on it."

"Just Matthew?" Cora asks and he says "Yes. Why?"

"If they want to question Matthew but not Sam, Sam must be very gravely injured and not likely to live." He takes another deep breath and looks at the window over Cora's shoulder.

"He was shot in the back. But I don't know anything else. The good thing is that he is being sent home. If it was certain that he would die, they would have let him die in France." Robert hopes to God that this is true. That there is a chance for Sam's survival.

"I have to call the War Office again. I have to tell them to send Sam here and not to Woodland Manor."

"Yes," Cora says, turns towards him and holds onto him with such a force that he cannot move anymore."

"Cora, you have to let go off me."

"Don't leave me alone Robert, please."

"Then come with me." He loses her grip of him and then takes her hand. For the first time in months they are walking through the house hand in hand. He wishes it was because of a happier occasion. But now is not the time to dwell on the state of his marriage. Now is the time to be a good husband, for better or worse.

* * *

AN: I am so sorry for the long wait again but I don't think that I'll be able to write faster in the future. Life is just too busy. Anyway, I want to finish this story and there are a few more chapters to come.

Please let me know what you think about this chapter.

Have a great weekend everyone,

Kat

P.S.: Thank you so much for all the reviews you wrote over the last couple of weeks!


	29. Chapter 29

Again, I am sorry for the far too long wait but this past year I have just not had the time or the skill to keep writing. I've recently started to rewatch DA and I thought that I should probably finish this story. There are a few more chapters to come but I cannot make any estimation considering how long it will take.

Just in case you've forgotten, a small explanations of the individual characters.

Cora: married the Duke of Suffolk in 1890 and had a son called Sam who inherited his father's title and estate on the day of his birth because his father died before that.

Robert: married Lady Philipa, daughter of an English Earl because his parents wanted him to so. He starts regretting not having married Cora very early on in his very unhappy marriage. Philipa and he have one daughter, Mary (this is more a less the Mary from the show, with some alterations).

Cora and he meet a mutual friend's party and start an affair which they turn into a marriage half a year after Philipa's death between Christmas and New Year's 1913.

Mary: Only child of Robert and Philipa, more or less the Mary from the show, or rather how she would be if her mother had mistreated her the first 23 years of her life

Sam: Only child of Cora and the Duke of Suffolk, in general admires and loves his mother greatly (except for a year when he was a teenager), but is highly disappointed in both Cora and Robert, but more so in Robert whom he had come to look upon as a father figure.

Julie: Only child of Cora and Robert, born November 1914. She was conceived before Robert and Cora could get married and was a surprise because Cora thought that she could not have any more children (and she did not fall pregnant during the first 20 years of her affair)

Rosamund: finds out about the affair and befriends Cora

Violet: regrets making Robert marry a woman he did not like and therefore does not dislike Cora, although she forbade Robert to propose to Cora in 1890. Just as on the show, greatly loves her children and especially grandchildren.

Matthew: Who he is on the show, but has an easier time convincing Mary to become his wife, good friends with Sam

.

A reminder of what happened in the last few chapters:

Robert and Cora got married at the beginning of the war and had a baby girl they named Julia, but usually call Julie.

Mary and Matthew (who are married by this point as well) are able to deal with the fact that Robert and Cora had such a long affair quite easily. The same is true for Lily, Sam's wife.

Sam on the other hand cannot stomach the thought of his mother having had an affair, even if it was with the Earl of Grantham, whom he actually likes. His relationship to Cora has cooled off and he does not want any relationship with Robert at all.

Matthew and Sam are fighting in the war together, Cora is running the convalescent home and Robert is brooding because the army did not want him. He has entertained thoughts of starting an affair with Jane but changes his mind when Cora receives a telegram, telling them that Sam has been seriously injured and is sent home for treatment.

At the end of the last chapter Sam and Matthew were on their way home.

* * *

Matthew

Somewhere on the English Channel-November 1917

.

Sam's chest is still rising and falling rhythmically. More shallowly than Matthew would like but as he stares at it, he sees that his best friend is still breathing, that he is still alive. He has wondered throughout this journey whether 'being sent home for treatment' did not mean 'being sent home to die'.  
He is sure that the only reason he himself was sent home 'to recuperate' is that the War Office wants to question him. He and the Duke of Suffolk along with their batmen were captured by German troops after all and against all odds were able to flee within less than 24 hours. That of course is quite an achievement in itself but Sam at that point had still been unconscious. Matthew and William, or rather Mason as he has to call his batman, carried Sam while Sam's own batman Thompson ran himself ragged trying to clear their way and protect their backs at the same time. They were extremely lucky that they ran into a field hospital by pure accident and that that field station included a qualified doctor. The decision to send Sam and him home had been made within an hour and after Matthew threating to bring down the wrath of the Minister Marquess Flintshire on the doctor at the field hospital, it had been agreed that both batmen were allowed a few days at home as well.

He wishes his mother was there and even more than that he wishes that his father was there. He lost his father when he was still young and hardly ever thinks about him but right now a doctor he could trust unconditionally is what he wishes for the most. Or the second most. Sam waking up would be the greatest comfort.

He wonders if the family knows about Sam. He hopes they don't because he cannot imagine how helpless they would feel, knowing that Sam was gravely injured and possibly about to die. And why did it have to be Sam? One of the very few men he knows who were against this war from the first day on. Sam only volunteered because he thought that as an English duke he would have to do his duty and because he was mad at his mother and step-father.

This war, he thinks, is the worst that has ever happened to anyone. And still there are young boys volunteering. Young boys who remember the entire young male population of their villages being wiped out during the battle of the Somme.

He is surprised that he himself is still alive. His mother who now works for the Red Cross once told him that the average life expectancy for upper middle class officers was six weeks after having joined the army. He has made through more than 150 weeks by now. And he was at the Somme. And still, he wants to go back. As soon as he knows whether Sam will live or die for sure, he will want to go back. He cannot stay home.

"Captain Crawley?" He looks up at the steward who has just entered the room. "We'll be in England in a few minutes. We have to get His Grace ready for transport."

He nods and on his way out of the room is passed by a doctor. "Major," he says and the doctor looks at him. "Send the Duke of Suffolk to the hospital in Downton. Not to Woodland Manor. The duke's wife and mother are at Downton Abbey." The officer says 'yes' but he is not quite sure whether Sam will be sent to his home or to his family.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey - A few days later

.

She can't remember for how long she has been sitting at her son's bed. It may have been five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, five months, five years, five decades. She watches his chest rise and fall again and again and looks for signs of Sam waking up. But there are no signs, not for waking up or anything else. Dr. Clarkson operated Sam as soon as he came into the hospital but there has already been talk of moving Sam to the Abbey. Dr. Clarkson says it is for Sam to recuperate but one of the nurses has been more honest and admitted that there was nothing that could be done for Sam at the hospital anymore. "Whether he will live or die at the Abbey, we cannot know," she said to her.

"Lady Grantham," Dr. Clarkson says and she looks up. "We have to move your son to the Abbey now. He will be cared for there as well as here. I am sure he will be more comfortable." She nods because she does not know what else to do. She begged Robert to talk to Clarkson, to force him to let Sam stay at the hospital, but Robert agrees with Clarkson. He too thinks that Sam can be cared for just as well at the Abbey, if not better. "And you can finally get some sleep," he added. She knows he has been worried about her, she can't remember the last time she slept. Or left the hospital. Or really talked to anyone. She hasn't seen Julie in days, but Julie is well and Sam is not and he needs her more right now.

And so she watches her son being put onto a stretcher and then into an ambulance. She follows in another car and only realizes that it is Robert who is driving her when he says "We'll be home soon, darling". She wants to thank him for picking her up from the hospital but she can't, all she can think of is Sam and she feels that she can't speak.

Once they arrive at the Abbey Sam is carried upstairs into a guestroom. She follows him, takes off her coat and hat and sits down by his bedside. She has no idea what is going on around her and she does not care. All she cares about is Sam.

She is dimly aware of Julie coming into the room once or twice but she ignores her daughter. She is sure that Robert will explain to their little girl that right now is not the time to ask for her Mama. Thinking about Julie makes her feel numb and guilty because she feels that she should not be thinking about her healthy child when she has another one at the brink of death. That thought makes her shiver and cold sweat runs down her face and she realizes that she ice cold. She tries to get up but can't. Tears sting her eyes and then…

.

Robert

The same day

.

"Papa?"

"Yes, Julie?" he asks and when he looks at her he sees the disappointment in his daughter's eyes.

"Will you look at my picture? I drew it for Mama but she doesn't like me anymore." It breaks his heart to hear his little girl say these words. In this moment she reminds him terribly of Mary at her age, a girl frightened of her mother, dependent on her father.

"Let's see it then," he says with false enthusiasm. He would much rather talk to Cora, tell her not to ignore Julie. But the poor girl would probably feel even more abandoned then.

"This is Mama and you and me and Sam. Sam is playing with me and you are watching us. See? We are all smiling and there is no war."

Tears sting his eyes and he can hardly keep them at bay. The picture Julie draw is not very good, the people on the picture are unrecognizable, but what she said in three simple sentences are all his wishes. No more war, no more worries. Just happiness. But it is not to be.

"Julie, I have to talk to your mother. Please go back to nanny."

He watches her leave and for a second thinks of delaying speaking to Cora but he can't get around talking to her. Quite beside the fact that she has to stop ignoring Julie, she also has to sleep.

He knocks on the door and when nobody tells him to enter he enters anyway and for a moment he thinks that Cora has fallen asleep but then he sees the sweat on her forehead and how pale she is.

"Cora!" he calls out and in the second between his calling her and her opening her eyes he is afraid that this world is crashing down around him.

"Robert," she rasps more than she says. "I think I am sick."

He feels her forehead as gently as he can. "You are burning up. You have to go to bed now."

"But Sam," she says and he shakes his head. "I'll sit with Sam."

He stays with his stepson for half an hour until Lilly comes in.

"Go to Cora, Robert. Mary has offered to take the rest of my shift." He nods. Mary and Lily have both done more than they ought over the course of the last few days. He supposes that it helps Lily deal with not knowing whether Sam will die or not. Mary does what she can, taking over Cora's work of managing the convalescent home.

He squeezes Lily's shoulder, to thank her and to tell her that he hopes for Sam to finally wake up.

"How is she?" he asks as soon as he enters Cora's room.

"She is resting. The Doctor says she has to sleep and that the fever has to be brought down."

He nods. He feels as if he was nodding all the time.

"I will take care of her ladyship."

"You have to sleep Sully."

"Your lordship, I,"

"No Sully. Go to sleep please, you have done more than enough for her ladyship. I will not leave her bedside until you return well rested."

"Yes, your lordship," the faithful lady's maid says and he knows that she is leaving against her better judgment. She has been with Cora for 30 years now and she feels rather protective of her. She has after all spent a lot more time with Cora than he has.

He takes Cora's hand and realizes how thin it has become. He takes a closer look at her face and there is hardly any comparison between the slightly round face that used to look at him during her pregnancy and the haggard face that he stares at now.

"What has this war done to us?" he asks himself. He was in favor of it, he thought the Germans needed to be taught a lesson, but this seems unacceptable. He is sure that Cora's thinness has not been caused by worry about Sam. It has been caused by her working all day long, seven days a week. His mother once asked 'What is a weekend?' because she never had to work a single day in her life. Cora could ask the same question now because she hasn't had a weekend for months. She has overworked herself and it has taken a toll on her and on their relationship.

He thinks back to a few days ago when he thought of seducing her, of saving their marriage. And about how he knew he would have to be a good husband when seducing Cora to save their marriage became impossible the moment she found out about Sam. A good husband who doesn't think of maids working in his house. Naturally, his thoughts now turn to Jane. He stares at Cora. And sees Jane. Her liveliness and her chattiness, her openness towards him, her obvious desire for him and his desire for her. He considers an affair, wonders whether he could hide it from Cora. She probably wouldn't even realize it.

And then he remembers what Cora has been through for him. All those years she was his mistress and didn't complain. She accepted their fate, brought her reputation in danger much more than he brought his in danger. And it all been his fault. He could have acted against his parents' wishes, he could have married her when she was 20 but he was too blind.

"My darling, I am so sorry," he says and presses a kiss to her too thin hand.

It takes hours until she wakes up and then it is only for a short time.

"Robert?"

"Yes?"

"How is Sam?" The question shouldn't have surprised him but for a moment it hurts that her first thought is her son and her husband.

"The same. Lily is sitting with him."

"You promised you would," she says but he stops her.

"Lily is his wife Cora. She will take good care of him. And you are my wife. I didn't want to leave you alone."

She smiles at him. "Thank you. But please check on Sam."

He sighs exasperatedly but does as she asks.

Lily has fallen asleep with her head on Sam's bed when he enters the room. He gently shakes her awake, asks her to send the doctor to Cora and then go to bed herself. He should sleep too but he should also stay with Sam for a while if only to keep the peace between Cora and himself.

He stares at the boy and wonders what he has been through. Matthew did not say much and is now in London, no doubt being questioned by generals about their lucky escape.

"What are you doing here?" Sam is staring right back at him, his eyes wide open.

"I'll get a doctor." He calls for the doctor and when he returns Sam repeats his question.

"What are you doing here?" closely followed by "Where am I?"

"You are at Downton. You've been shot."

"Then why is Lily not here?" Sam asks in a tone of voice that is far too harsh for his critical condition.

"I sent her to bed."

"And my mother?"

"She is sleeping too. She is ill. But she will be well again. She asked me to stay with you."

"And you do as she asks." He wonders how it is possible that Sam can say so much, even if he uses a quiet voice.

"Yes. And I am worried about you."

"You are worried I might stay here too long." He wants to throttle Sam. It is only his gentleman's education that keeps him from doing so.

"No. I am worried about you because I like you. Very much. We got along very well once."

"That was before I knew that you had turned my mother into your mistress."

Robert feels as if he was turning in a circle. Sam and he have had this discussion before and he is sure that it will lead to nothing.

"Sam, I have told you this before. I wish I wouldn't have had to make your mother my mistress and it was my fault because I could have married her but that is long in the past. And whether you like it or not, your mother agreed to being my mistress. She was in fact the driving force." He wants to say more about it but Sam is going pale and Robert has to remind himself that his stepson is still fighting for his life.

"Go to sleep Sam. I'll tell Lily and your mother that you woke up."

In that moment the doctor enters the room, so Sam is not allowed to rest right away.

Sam's examination seems to take an uncountable number of hours and so Robert leaves and rejoins Cora. She is still asleep and so he decides to lie down next her and sleep himself.

.

"Papa?"

He is shaken awake by hands too little to belong to Mary.

"Julie," he says and his daughter climbs onto his bed.

"Lily said to wake you and Mama. She is talking to the doctor and will tell you what he said."

"Thank you," he says.

"Is it about Sam?"

"Yes."

"He is sick isn't he?"

"I am afraid so. He was injured in the war."

"Like all the other soldiers here."

"I am afraid so."

"Maybe I should visit him." He doesn't know what to say. He doubts very much that a visit from Julie would do Sam any good. But eventually they will have to meet, they are siblings, regardless of Sam liking it or not. If they can meet at all.

.

Julie – Two days later

.

"Who are you?" the man in the bed barks at her.

"Lady Julia," she says as confidently as she can.

"What do you want?" She wonders if the man can really be her brother. Shouldn't he be nice to her? Mary who is her sister is always very nice to her.

"I want to visit you."

"Why? Did your mother send you?"

"No. I just wanted to see you. Because you are my brother."

"Am I?" She wonders how stupid her brother is. Maybe he is still sick.

"Yes. Are you sick?"

"Of course I am sick."

"But Mama says that doctor said you would not die." Sam looks at her as if couldn't believe what she just said.

"Are you afraid of dying?"

.

Sam

.

He doesn't know what to say.

How much of him does this little girl know? Of course he is afraid of dying. He will not die of his injury but if the war goes on long enough he might have to go back to France. The doctor said that he would make a full recovery. He wishes that wasn't the case because he does not want to return to the war. He can't stand it anymore.

"I won't die right now," he says and Julie nods.

"I am glad. You are my brother."

He nods. Until now he hadn't really thought about Julie as his sister. So far she has been nothing more than the result of his mother's indecent affair. Their mother's affair.

"How is our mother?" He is still worried about her. She has visited him twice but she still looked pale.

"She is on the bend."

"On the bend?" He has no idea what his sister is saying.

"It means getting better."

"On the mend. She is on the mend."

"That is what I said." He wants to argue but then thinks better of it.

"You are tired. Mama always says to leave tired people alone." Contrary to what she just said, Julie climbs onto his bed and the presses a light kiss on his cheek.

"I am glad you are my brother," she says and then leaves the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

* * *

So, I hope this chapter isn't as horrible as it seems to me.

Please let me know what you think.

Have a great Sunday everyone,

Kat


	30. Chapter 30

A huge thanks to all of you who reviewed the last chapter!

Here is the next one, I hope you like it!

Kat

* * *

Downton Abbey - December 1917

.

Matthew

.

"I can't believe you will be here for Christmas." The smile on Mary's face makes him feel a little easier about not being asked to go back to France right away. He won't be off duty but he was asked to speak to recruitments and to the injured officers, to tell them that they have to do their duty and that the war can be survived. He does not feel comfortable with his new role but it will only be his role for a few weeks and then he will finally go back to fighting.

"Yes, darling, I will be here for Christmas," he replies and tries to hide the longing for France, for the war that he feels.

"But you wish you could go back to fighting now," Mary says and he rolls his eyes at her.

"I wish that there was peace and I could stay with you. But there is a war and I have to fight it."

"Why must you fight it? Don't you think you have done your bit?" He knew this was coming.

"Mary, I need to find till the end."

"The end of what?"

"The war," he says but he sees in Mary's eyes that she knows there could be another end.

"Or the end of your life," she says. He grabs her hand and wants to tell her that he won't die but that of course is a promise he cannot make.

"Mary, even if I wanted to leave the army I couldn't. I am soldier, I will be released from duty only if there is peace."

"You are the heir to the Earl of Grantham. His only heir. There must be a way," he needs to interrupt her now.

"Mary, you don't understand. I swore an oath and I can't break it. And what is more, I believe in the cause of this war. I think it has been going too long and that it is too brutal but at the end of day I believe we have to fight."

"Let's not talk about it anymore until after Christmas," Mary says in a falsely cheerful voice that breaks his heart.

.

He walks down the hall towards Sam's room and finds his best friend on his bed, propped up by pillows.

"How are you?"

"Unfortunately I seem to be getting better every day," Sam replies and sighs.

"You don't want to go back," he says and it is not a question.

"No. I can't stand it anymore. I never believed in the cause of this war, I only signed up because it was the proper thing to do. Not the right thing."

"You are the Duke of Suffolk, you must be able to pull some strings," he says, echoing what Mary said to him earlier.

"And what would that look like?"

"I don't know. Maybe they could give you something to do here."

"Like what?" Sam looks at him quite hopefully and wishes there was an answer.

"I don't know. Something with the Americans."

"The Americans," Sam repeats.

"They are fighting too. Maybe they need someone to lead the negotiations between the two armies. I don't know Sam, it was the only thing that came to my mind."

"Because in your mind I am an American," Sam says and he wants to kill him. Sam's inner conflict about his identity is going on his nerves.

"No, I said it because you once lived in American and your mother is an American."

"I'll talk to Dr. Clarkson. Maybe I can be of some use to the Army Medical Corps. I have run an estate maybe they need someone to oversee the convalescent homes or hospitals."

"You could also talk to your mother about that." Sam shakes his head.

"No. She would tell Robert and he must not find out that I do not want to fight anymore. I cannot show any weakness in front of him." He wishes he could knock some sense into Sam's head.

"Sam, Robert is not the enemy. You used to like him. I know you think he shouldn't have done what he did but there were two people involved in that and no harm has come from it. There has been no scandal. No doubt, it was the war that prevented a scandal, but prevented it was."

"I am tired," Sam says. He isn't sure whether this is true but leaves him alone all the same.

.

Julie

Downton Abbey – December 1917

.

"Mama, I drew a picture for you."

Her mother takes the picture from her and looks at it.

"It is very nice, my girl."

"Guess who it is!"

"Your Papa, you, me and Sam," her Mama says and she is very proud of herself. She must be good at drawing or her Mama wouldn't have recognized all the people on the picture.

"There is also a Christmas Tree. Can I have a puppy for Christmas?"

She wants a puppy more than anything. Her Papa sometimes lets her play with Isis but he says that Isis is too big for her and that she can't play alone with her. She is glad her Papa doesn't know that Isis sometimes sleeps in her bed.

"Julie, your father thinks you are too young and I must say I agree. Maybe next year."

"A kitten then." A kitten would be nice too.

"And what would happen to the kitten if we gave a dog to you next year?" That is easy of course.

"I could have a little brother and he could have the kitten." Her mother begins to laugh at this.

"Oh Julie, I am afraid you will always be your Papa and my youngest child. But who knows, maybe sometime after the war you will be an aunt."

"But I am not as old as Aunt Rosamund!" she says and her mother laughs again.

"No darling, you are not. But why don't you go and tell your brother about that?" She nods and runs off to her brother's room, ignoring the nanny calling after her.

.

"Sam, Mama told me that maybe I will be an aunt soon but that I am not as old as Aunt Rosamund!" she says as soon as she has opened the door.

Sam looks at from his book and stares at her.

"What?"

"Mama says that maybe after the war I can be an aunt because I can't have a little brother. She wanted me to tell you that."

Sam breaks into loud laughter at this and then opens his arms towards her.

"Come her, little girl," he says and she climbs onto his bed eagerly.

"You will never have a little brother but I am glad that I have little sister," Sam says and gives her kiss on the head.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – December 1917

.

"I understand," he says and hangs up the phone. This is not good news.

"What do you understand?" Cora is standing right in front of him and he can see her thinking about who might be dead now, relieved that both Sam and Matthew are staying with them for the time being.

"Parts of the roof of Woodland Manor have caved in," he says and regrets telling her this the moment the words have left his lips. She shouldn't worry about such a thing now.

"What?"

"It appears there was some leakage and nobody noticed. I am not sure how it happened but someone has to go and find out."

"We should go. And maybe take Matthew."

"What about Sam?" He dearly hopes she won't leave Sam in the dark again.

"We'll tell him but he is too weak for the journey." He nods with relief.

"We should tell him now. Best get it over with." Cora takes his offered hand and besides the worry, feeling her hand in his gives him a sense of security.

.

"But how can that have happened?"

"I don't know Sam." Sam is waving his arms through the air, his face is turning red.

"I give my house to the army medical corps to turn it into a hospital and they let the roof cave in? I hope they will pay for the damage."

"I somehow doubt it," he says. The country is in enough financial trouble as it is.

"I have to go there."

"No Sam. You are still too weak. Your mother, Matthew and I will go and see how bad the damage is."

"God," Sam says and then lets himself fall back onto his pillows. "Tell Lily please, will you? I can't face it yet. Although I will have to in due course."

He nods. Of course someone should tell Lily, it is her house too.

.

Cora

Woodland Manor – December 1917

.

Somehow driving up to the house gives her the chills. She doesn't know whether this is because she knows her former home has been turned into hospital or because of her first marriage, or because of her falling out with Sam before her marriage to Robert or because of all of it together.

They are greeted by what could be a full complement, although more than half of the people at the front door are working for the army, one way or another.

She is greeted by a butler she doesn't know. Sam must have hired him at some point but there are a few servants she remembers, including the head housemaid Clarissa.

"Welcome home, your grace," she whispers and Cora is startled by being called 'her grace'. She hasn't been called that since the beginning of the war.

"It is 'your ladyship', now," she says and keeps on walking but hears Clarissa whisper "she went down the ladder," to one of the other servants.

"Let's have a look at the damage, shall we?" Robert asks just a second later and in the tone of his voice she detects a mixture of insecurity and offense.

They are led to the part of the roof that is caved in and when she sees the damage, she becomes dizzy. It is obvious that this will be very costly.

"How could that happen?" she asks one of the army officers with them.

"We don't know. We had no idea we had to check the roof."

"Everything has to be checked constantly," Robert says with so much indignation that it borders on rudeness.

The army officers mumble something about the hospital being understaffed and having no money that she is afraid will let Robert's assumption of the army not giving Sam a penny for the repairs become true.

.

They are having dinner in the dining room which seems to be unused under normal circumstances. In the absence of both Sam and Lily who decided to stay at the Abbey, the servants seem to have decided that Cora is the hostess. She notices that some of the old servants seem to snub Robert very slightly, something that irks both him and her.

.

"Some of your old servants do not seem to have taken very kindly to your marriage to me," Robert says as soon as he enters her room that night.

"I am afraid you have to thank Sam for that. He did not make a secret of his dislike of you."

"Hm."

"Robert, please don't look so downcast."

But Robert looks downcast and she wonders why. She hopes he doesn't think there is a reason for it.

"The thing is Cora, I did compromise you."

"This is not a Jane Austen novel, Robert. What do you think how many of those servants compromise each other? Do you think they are all pious and stay away from each other's beds? I doubt it."

"You have a lesser title now than you had before our marriage."

"And I didn't have any title before my first marriage. Don't go by what those servants think. They are not as loyal to you as most of the servants at Downton are. They are loyal to Sam. He treats them kindly, pays them fairly. Of course they listen to what he says. They are on his side. Just as our servants are on our side."

"Do you think that others think like them?"

"What do you mean?" She has no idea what he is talking about.

"Society. Do you think that people like us, the people we invite for dinner and dance with during the season think like them? That I downgraded you and caused you a terrible wrong?"

"We don't invite anyone and we don't do the season, Robert. There is a war."

"But that is just it, isn't it? We got married the day this horrible war started. For the whole of our marriage social life has been at a standstill. Everything is overshadowed by the war. But what will happen after the war? Won't the newspapers need something to write about? Mary told me that a Sir Richard Carlisle approached her the last time she was in London. She didn't know what he wanted but supposed that he wanted to bring himself into a good position for an inside scoop of society life once the war had ended."

"But we don't know when that will be. Or whether it will end at all."

"All wars end Cora. And I hope for this one to end before Christmas. But what if we have to fight our own war then? What is we won't be accepted anymore?"

She wonders where Robert's thoughts come from.

"But why should that happen? If nothing else, do you really think we'd be shunned by society? I don't think so because I know that our equals, if you want to call them that, will steer clear of that, if only to not anger the Duke and Duchess of Suffolk."

"You said yourself that Sam made it very clear to his servants that he wasn't pleased by our marriage."

"And Lily has made very clear that she is pleased. I know my son Robert, he will come around. The war will make it more difficult but if anything else fails, I am sure that Lily will eventually make him come to terms with it all."

"I wish I had your confidence."

"You've never been in my bedroom here," she says and looks at him.

"No, that would not have been a good idea," he chuckles.

"I wanted you here, though. In this room and in my bed."

"If you say so," Robert says and turns away from here.

"Yes, I say so and it is still true." She steps behind him, puts her arms around his waist and presses her face against his back. "I want you Robert. I know the war and Sam's injury haven't made things easy but I want to be with you as much as always."

.

Matthew

Woodalnd Manor – The next morning

.

He has had a closer look at the damage done to the roof and he hopes to God that Sam has a lot of money. He doubts very much that the army will pay, they will find an excuse. But he also knows that if repairs do not start soon, the house might not be fit to live in anymore. Everyone who had a closer look would realize that.

While he looks across the estate and thinks about what he would do if something similar happened to Downton he suddenly realizes that he is a lawyer and that he should at least try to get the Army to make some form of commitment.

Naturally he doesn't know where to find whichever officer is running the hospital for the Army and so he decides to ask the butler. As it is still rather early he supposes that he would find him in the servants' hall. After asking two rather stunned maids for directions he enters the servants' hall which quite resembles the one at Downton.

"I swear. I went into her to relight the fire and there they were. Both of them in her bed. His Grace' mother and the Earl of Grantham. Sleeping in the same bed, facing each other. Who has ever heard of such a thing?"

"I have," a much darker voice answered. "It is not as uncommon as we might think if a marriage is happy. His Grace himself may want to share his bed with his wife when this war is over."

He now enters the room and says "I am sure of that." The servants scramble off their seats to get up and he waves them down as he usually does. He enquires about the commanding officer and leaves again.

"I wonder how he knows about these things," someone says and the butler answers "His Grace and Mr. Crawley serve in the war together. They are friends as far as I know."

.

"You seem to have upset the maids," he says to Robert while they are having breakfast together.

"Why? What have I done?"

"You slept in Cora's bed. The maids could not imagine 'such a thing'."

"Oh dear God," Robert mumbles and throws an uneasy look towards the butler.

"Cheer up Robert, you've given them something to talk about besides the war."

"That is exactly what I am afraid of," Robert replies but then proceeds to ask him about the damage and what can be done.

"I will tell Sam that he must seek legal counsel. I doubt very much that the Army will want to pay but he should try to get at least some money of them. They have turned this house into a hospital and neglected it at the same time."

"I will offer Sam to take the matter in hand if he has to go back to war."

For a moment he hesitates and a voice that sounds quite like Mary's tells him not to say anything because it is none of his business and certainly not what Sam wants. And a voice sounding quite like his mother's tells him to do the exact opposite.

"I don't think Sam is very keen on returning to France. He was never in favor of the war and I think he has had enough." He hopes that Robert won't ask any questions.

"Are you keen on returning?" Robert asks and he is glad the conversation seems to have turned away from Sam.

"Yes. I want to do my duty."

"I understand," Robert says but nothing else.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – December 1917

.

This is certainly among one of the hardest conversations she will ever have to have with her son. To him Woodland Manor is home, even if it never really was to her.

"So how bad is it?" Sam asks the moment she enters the room and she is glad to see him sitting in bed, reading and looking more himself than on the day they left.

"Sam,"

"Mama, we are talking about my home. How bad is it?"

"Matthew thinks you should seek legal counsel. Robert and he agree that the damages are huge. Woodland Manor may not be fit to live in after the war."

Sam becomes pale the moment she says this.

"But what am I to do then? Stay here?"

"You could do that. Or Lily and you could move into the London House for the time being. You won't be the only peer who has to leave his house, at least temporally."

"No, I don't think I will be. Did you know they turned one room into an operating theatre? That room will have to be redone completely."

"If I had known that Robert and I would have had a look at it."

Sam sighs.

"It doesn't matter. What is one room more or less that has to be renovated? I will have to have a very close look at my finances and the investments I made. If Matthew suggests legal counsel that must mean that he does not think that the Army will pair for the repair of the damage."

"Robert has offered to take care of that once you have to go back to France," Cora says and looks at Sam imploringly. She wants him to agree.

"I will try everything in my power not to have to go back to France. Maybe I can use this … situation … to get out of it. I have had it with lying in the trenches, getting soaked through and killing other men who have had enough of it as well. I do not want to risk my life anymore. Matthew can say what he will, I am done."

"But you won't desert the Army?" That would have horrible consequences.

"No, I won't desert. But I will try to stay in England." She hopes to God that Sam will be successful, that her son really won't have to return to the war.

* * *

Let me know what you think!


	31. Chapter 31

AN: Once again, I am sorry for the long wait. I am still drowning in work (it is fun though) and I also suffered a bit (haha) of a writers' block. But I thought that it was about time that a new chapter was added to this story. There aren't that many more chapters left so I am hoping to finish this story sometime around New Year's Eve but I am not going to make any promises.

Kat

* * *

Mary

Downton Abbey – May 1918

.

She feels the baby kick and it makes her smile. Matthew staying home for a few weeks after having been stuck behind enemy lines has been very successful. They both want a child very much. Thinking about Matthew suddenly makes her cry. Because she could not tell him in person about their baby and because he is stuck in some trench, fighting for his life.

But she pulls herself together. For her baby and for her little sister who is sitting at the piano, practicing.

"Mary, are you crying?" Julie asks and she shakes her head.

"No," she replies, walks over to her and pets her head.

"I think the baby will be a boy."

"Why?" Julie looks at her very serious now.

"Because I am a girl. And I think a boy should be next."

This makes her laugh despite herself.

"Don't you want a boy?"

"I will love a boy or a girl," she answers but again sends a prayer to the heavens for the baby to be a boy. Her father and Matthew need an heir and who knows whether Matthew will come home. If he didn't come home and their child was a girl there would in all likelihood not be an heir at all. She has done the research. She asked her father first but he refused to think about Matthew dying. Her grandmother was a little more open to the idea of looking for a 'spare' as she called it though. So her Granny and she looked at family trees and had two meetings with Murray.

It really seems as if for the moment at least, Matthew was the only possible heir to the earldom. In case of Matthew's death and their child being a girl the estate would either fall to her or to Cora. Murray did not know the specifics of the prenuptials because her father had Matthew draw them up. "I don't want that agreement to leave the family. In fact no one besides Cora, Matthew and myself is to know about it," he said. Matthew, true to the word he must have given Robert did not tell her about the 'agreement' as her father called it.

She hopes that the estate would fall to her if it ever came to the question of inheritance because if it fell to Cora some parts of it would surely become Sam's eventually. And she does not want that. She likes Sam, he is Matthew's best friend after all, but to her he is not family. He has been in England for half a year now and still hasn't had the decency to mend fences with her father. In fact, as soon as he was well again and told that he did not have to return to France he left the Abbey for good. At least that what it seems to her. Lilly still lives with them because Sam travels the country in a rather unsuccessful attempt to keep the army from ruining other peoples' property. The ruin of his own house devastated Sam quite a bit and he nagged the army until they gave in and gave him a position that would not have him return to the war. So has been inspecting other homes-turned-hospitals for four months now, not once visiting the Abbey. She once asked Lilly whether Sam wouldn't have to inspect the Abbey as well at some point but Lilly only gave a noncommittal shrug.

"Mary?" Julie asks again.

"Yes?"

"I think George is a nice name for a boy." It makes her cringe. She hasn't yet thought about names. She is afraid of jinxing her luck.

"Do you?"

"Yes. George Matthew." When Julie says 'Matthew' it sounds like 'Massu' because she hasn't mastered the 'th' completely.

"Maybe we will pick that name," she says and tries to forget all about it. She is sure that if Matthew were to die before their child was born and the child was a boy his first name would be Matthew. She could not do it any other way. But she cannot think about that, she cannot think about the baby or its gender. In fact she should stop thinking and just stare out the window. Or go to sleep. Or on a walk. Fresh air would be good for her.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – The same day

.

She watches Mary taking a walk by herself and wonders if that is such a good idea. But then she remembers that Mary is only five months along and that she herself took walks much later in her pregnancy. And the fresh air will be good for Mary and the baby. Mary has been too worried lately. About Matthew not coming home, about the child being a girl. She is not as worried as Mary but she too hopes for a boy. In the absence of an heir, Downton Abbey would eventually fall to Mary and what a burden that would be. She would try to help her as much as she could but as Mary owning Downton would also mean Robert's death she does not know how much help she could actually be.

She suddenly feels hands wrap around her waist.

"Hello Darling," Robert says and she automatically leans into him.

"Robert," she says and then nothing else. She is sure that he is looking at Mary too who is not walking out of their sight.

"How long will this war go on?" she asks and Robert sighs.

"I don't know."

"It is like a nightmare that won't stop. It feels like we will never dance again."

"It must come to an end at some point. And then we will dance again. I still have to show you off as my wife." It makes her smile and chuckle. She knows that Robert is slightly wary of what the newspapers will say about them at the end of the war but he tries not to think about it. She is sure however that the newspapers won't say anything. They will report about peace and then find much younger people to gossip about.

"Yes. It feels as if our lives had been put on hold and spiraled out of control by the war all at the same time. We've been through more in four years of marriage than we would have been through in forty years without the war. And yet we have never appeared anywhere together."

"We have to find an occasion Sam is not attending though."

"Robert," she says but does not know how to continue. She had been sure for years that Sam would eventually be able to forgive Robert but apparently that is not the case. Her son has not been back in France for half a year now and still has not really spoken to Robert except for a very few times when he was injured.

She cannot deny that she is rather disappointed in her son. He has been working for the army in England for four months now and not visited them once although Lilly still lives with them. But whenever Sam and Lilly meet they do so in London. She herself has seen Sam only twice since he left the Abbey. Sam asked to meet her more often than that but she is fed up with him. He has also asked to see Julie and while the fact that Sam at least seems to have an interest in his little sister makes her happy she has not yet taken Julie to see Sam. She is afraid that Sam will make a derogative comment about Robert and she does not want Julie to hear her brother speaking badly about her father.

"Let's talk about something else," Robert says and she smiles and turns around in his arms.

"What would you like to talk about?" she asks.

"I don't know. I just came in here to talk. I did not have a full conversation planned."

It makes her laugh. Despite the war and all the sorrows that come with it she can still laugh.

"I love you," she says and kisses Robert's cheek.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – The same day

.

He can hear Cora yell halfway down the hall and is very thankful not to be on the receiving side of the dressing down she seems to be giving to some unfortunate soul. Although whoever is at the receiving end of the dressing down probably deserves to be right there. Cora hardly ever yells after all. He stops in front of the door to find out whether he might have done anything wrong as well but the rather loud and very one-sided conversation seems to be about nursing schedules and he knows for sure that he has not tempered with those.

Cora then storms out of the room and bumps right into him. He catches her at the right moment and when she realizes that it was him who caught her, the angry expression on her face melts away and turns into a smile. This sends a shiver down his spine because there was a time not too long ago when Cora would have given him a look that would have broken his heart. He was close to straying from their marriage for a while but he stopped himself and he is glad that he did.

"Who was at the other end of that conversation?" he asks and Cora rolls his eyes while getting back onto her feet without him letting go of her. "The army thought that changing the nurses' schedule would be a good idea. But they did not think about that affecting our staff as well. I told that corporal that the army could not disregard our staff like that. We still live in this house. Although I sometimes think the army would like us to move out."

"We won't Cora. No matter how long this war takes, we will not leave our home. We have done more than enough. Putting up with all the convalescing officers and the army personnel, giving up more than half of our rooms. Except for my mother who is too old and Matthew who is at the front every member of this family is involved in the running of the convalescent home. Even Julie helps where she can. Yesterday I found her sorting bandages with Mary."

"I would strongly advice against you leaving this house for other reasons as well," a deep voice he does not recognize for a moment says behind him and before he realizes who has spoken, Cora has completely freed herself of him and thrown herself around Sam's neck. Sam looks rather startled at this obvious form of affection.

"Mama," he says and gently pushes her away.

"What are you doing here?" Cora asks Sam breathlessly and he points to his uniform.

"Inspecting this convalescence home." Cora's face falls a little at that and he looks imploringly at Sam. The boy could at least have enough decency not to disappoint his mother so much.

"And to visit Lilly and you. And Julie of course. Where are they?"

"Lilly is working somewhere and Julie should be in the nursery."

"I'll go and see her first then," Sam says and walks off towards the nursery.

Cora watches Sam walk away for a moment and then turns to him.

"Robert, please be kind to him. I know it isn't easy for you, it can't be easy for you but please. For my sake."

He shakes his head at Cora in slight exasperation.

"Of course I will be kind to him," he says because how could he not be? There was a time, no more than five years ago, when he had thought of Sam almost as of a son and he had clearly been a father figure to the boy. Despite all of his frustrations regarding Sam he still wants things to go back to what they were.

.

Sam

Downton Abbey – The same day

.

"SAM!" Julie screams at the top of her lungs as soon as she sees him and then runs to him so fast that he is afraid of her tripping over her own feet.

He lifts her up as soon as she has reached him and she screams with joy. For a brief second he wonders what it would be like if it hadn't been his sister but his daughter who came running to him but he pushes that thought away. He will have to discuss this with Lilly but now is not the time to think about such things.

"Are you happy to see your brother?"

"Yes!" Julie replies, still screaming. "I started piano lessons. Would you like to hear me play?" Remembering his own failed attempt at learning how to play the piano, he thinks of endless repetitions of the first seven notes of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and so he says "later". He dearly hopes that by 'later' – whenever that may be – Julie will have forgotten about showing off her probably not yet existing piano skills.

"I am going to look for Lilly. Would you like to come with me?" Julie nods but the nanny stops her and so he goes through the house looking for his wife by himself.

When he finds her she is sorting patients' files. "Is that your job?" he asks and Lilly turns towards him.

"Sam," she says with a smile on her face.

"You are far less enthusiastic than Julie," he says to her smiling.

"Everyone is far less enthusiastic than Julie," Lilly says and gives him a kiss. "You should hear her practice the piano. One of the wounded officers here is teaching her. She heard him play one day and just asked for a lesson. Ever since then she has spent hours every day at that piano. Your mother has voiced concerns about her playing disturbing the officers but they all wanted her to continue."

"She is good then?"

"As good as you can be after two months of practice. The officer teaching her thinks that she might have perfect hearing, whatever that may mean."

"It means that she will be a very good piano player. Mama and Robert should think about a second instrument for her. She will go further on the piano than me then."

"You do not know how to play the piano."

"How do you know that?" he asks and Lilly grins at him.

"Your mother told me. She said that you definitely do not have perfect hearing."

He wonders if he should really say it now but there is no time like the present.

"I also don't have a home anymore."

"What?" Lilly asks and in that moment he realizes that he should have said 'we don't have a home anymore'.

"I came here from Woodland Manor. The house will be uninhabitable by the end of the war. If the war goes on much longer the army will have to move out."

"But how could that happen? We know the roof caved in but,"

"No but Lilly. The roof caved in, there is mold in the cellars, three rooms have been turned into operating theaters without any regard for the furniture in there, all the guest rooms have been turned into overcrowded patients' rooms. The people at Woodland Manor are still sick. Not like the people here who have regained part of their strength and are only recuperating. People, soldiers, have bled to death in our dining room."

"But we still have the London home," Lilly says. "We could live there for years if we had to. I wouldn't mind."

"No, we can't. We only have the London house in theory. If Woodland Manor is to be repaired I will have to sell the house in London. And the house in Scotland. And probably part of the land surrounding Woodland Manor."

"The Army,"

"The army will not give a damn. The country is broke Lilly, believe it or not. This war has ruined the Empire."

"Don't you think you are going a bit too far?"

"No. You just wait and see."

"What are we going to do then? At the end of the war? Where will we go?"

"I don't know. I thought about America but I would like to stay in England and to oversee the rebuilding of the house. We could live in one of the houses in the village. We could keep some of the servants then. But we will have to let most of them go. Imagine that. They will return from the war, glad to be working in my garden where no one will shoot at them, where they will be fed warm meals every day and have a dry place to sleep. And I will have to tell them that after serving king and country for God knows how long they are now out of a job. And there is nothing, nothing I can do for them."

"You could offer them to help with the repairs. You need people for that."

"Lilly, I need able bodied people for that. What do you think, how many of those returning from the war have gotten through it without an injury that will stay with them for the rest of their lives? The country will not do anything for them."

"They must be given something."

"They won't, you mark my words."

"You paint a very dark picture of the future Sam," Lilly says and there are tears in her eyes.

"Yes. It makes me glad we don't have any children. I feel sorry for Julie and for Mary's baby. What kind of world will they live in?"

"So you don't want children?" Lilly asks with a lot less disappointment in her voice than he had expected.

"Lilly, I picked the wrong moment, we shouldn't be talking about this right now or right here."

"Oh yes, we should. Let's get it over with Sam. I went to see a specialist last time we met in London. I know that with the stress of the war and you gone for most of the time it wasn't unusual that I wasn't pregnant but I wanted to be sure. Chances for us to conceive a child are minimal. Infinitesimal. There is something not quite right. I can't explain it to you but I am sure that the doctor would if you asked him."

"You are not sad about this?" he asks Lilly while a rather large lump is forming in his throat.

"No. I somehow knew. I felt I should have become pregnant before and I didn't. I only had my assumptions confirmed. I was a bit sad at first but that went away. Mary keeps talking about how scared she is that her child will have to grow up without a father, that the child will not be boy. Cora is worried about Julie growing up in a very different world from the world her parents know. Many of the soldiers here say their greatest fear is that their sons will eventually have to go to war too. That is not a world for children. You are right about that. And thank the heavens we won't have any."

He stares at Lilly. She is right, he just said to her that he did not want any children, he does not want any children. Or rather he thought he did not want any children and the moment that possibility is taken from him he realizes that he wants to have children. Very much so. But he can't tell Lilly that.

"Yes," he says. "Thank the heavens." Then he takes a deep breath and continues "I have no heir Lilly but there should be something left when we die. The estate probably. Depending on what the future brings it might eventually become profitable again."

"Make Julie the sole heiress," Lilly says and he kisses her for that.

"I am glad we agree on that as well. The title will be lost of course but everything else can go to my little sister."

"The piano player," Lilly jokingly says and it makes him laugh. As a piano player his sister could probably make good use of a large inheritance.

.

Sam

Downton Abbey – June 1918

.

"Are there any bad news?" Robert asks him as soon as he enters the room. He asked Robert for a private meeting, claiming that he had finished his inspection.

"No. Everything seems to be in order. Mama keeps a rather tight regiment here. The soldiers including the officers all seem to be a little afraid of her. But they like her all the same. You were right not to turn your house into a hospital and not to move out. You stayed in control."

"We did," Robert says and looks at him questioningly. Apparently Robert expects more of him.

"There is something else I would like to talk about to you," he says and sees Robert's eyebrows shoot up. "My will. I am going to see a lawyer in London next week. I would prefer Matthew to handle this but as he is still fighting I cannot ask him. I think that you should know that Lilly and I will not have any children." He sees Robert's mouth open in protest but holds up his hand to stop him. "No, don't argue please. We won't. Lilly has seen a specialist and her suspicions have been confirmed. We will never have children. So we have decided to leave everything there will be left once we are gone to Julie. There is no other heir and she is my only sister. I will make her my sole heiress. In case I die before Lilly she will of course have the right to use the estate and the money to her needs but after that it will all go to Julie."

"Why are you talking about this to me and not to your mother?" At this point he has to swallow. He wanted to talk to his mother about this but he couldn't. He was afraid that he might start to cry in front of her.

"Because you know more about these matters than Mama."

"I probably do," Robert says and smiles a little. For a moment he feels as if the trust that he once had in Robert was back but then he remembers why he has a sister at all and that feeling of trust vanishes again.

"That was all. I will go leave Downton tomorrow."

"We will be sad to see you go," Robert says and seems honest. He turns around and shortly before he has reached the door handle Robert calls him back.

"Sam, wait just a moment. Be sensible. Put a passage in your will that states that everything will fall to Julie in case you do not have any children of your own."

This makes him mad because it implies the unthinkable.

"No. Lilly cannot have children and I will never share my bed with another woman. Never." At that Robert looks taken aback for a moment and only then the penny seems to drop. He gets ready for a lecture on how two people had to agree to that wretched affair but instead Robert gives a small chuckle.

"That is very honorable of you Sam but not at all what I meant. Your mother was told that she could not have any more children after you were born. And yet you are able to make your little sister your sole heiress. A sister you share a mother with I might add."

In that moment he hates Robert more than he has ever hated him before. Not because of the affair but because Robert has voiced a thought, a hope that he has been trying to keep at bay for days. He does not want that hope. He does not want to hope and then be disappointed.

"I thought I did not want any children. I told Lilly I did not want to subject children to this nightmare of a world. That is what I truly believed. I was ready for a fight, I was ready to make my point. And when I told Lilly and she told me that she could not have any children I suddenly realized that I do want children. Why is that?" he asks and only after the words have left his mouth does he realize that he has said them out loud and that tears are streaming down his face.

"Because sometimes we only realize what we want the moment it is taken from us seemingly forever," Robert answers and suddenly everything seems to fall into place. His mother's inexcusable decision to start an affair with a married man suddenly becomes excusable. Robert's inability to stop that affair suddenly becomes understandable.

"I am sorry Robert, I truly am," he says.

* * *

Please drop a line and let me know what you think about this chapter.


	32. Chapter 32

So here it is, the next chapter of this story. There will probably be one or two more chapters, we'll see.  
I hope you like it!

* * *

Robert

Downton Abbey – October 1918

.

"The war will be over soon," he says and looks up from his morning paper.

"Hopefully," Sam says with a lot of doubt in his voice. "I cannot wait to be discharged from the army. I don't ever want to wear this uniform again."

"We need Matthew to come home. The baby will come any day now and Mary is driving herself mad."

"She is driving Lilly mad too."

He nods but does not say anything because he does not want to pry. Sam still has not come to terms with the fact that in all likelihood he will never have a child of his own. Lilly on the other hand seems to take it rather well.

"When do you have to leave again?"

"The day after tomorrow. I sincerely hope that it is for the last time. Although I don't know where I will return to. We can't live at Woodland Manor and I will have to sell the London House. There is no way around that."

"You could live here for the time being. I don't think your mother would mind." Cora would in fact be very pleased he thinks.

"Maybe. I thought about moving into the Dower House at Woodland but Lilly does not want to move in there. We had a look at it three weeks ago and Lilly thinks that it would cost too much to make it inhabitable again. No one has lived in there for decades. It has been kept up a bit not very well. And we can't move into one of the other houses because we rented them out and we actually need the money. You really wouldn't mind us staying here?"

"As I said, your mother would be thrilled."

"And what about you?"

He weighs his words. He is beyond glad that things between Sam and him have returned to something akin to normal. But he is a little unsure of how this will play out when the world returns to normal and the gossip pages in the newspaper catch wind of his rather prompt second marriage.

"I could use some help with the estate. There will be a lot of men returning and we have to return the estate to normal as well."

"What about Matthew?"

"Matthew might need some time to adjust." Matthew might also not come home he thinks but does not want to voice that thought. Somehow in the back of his mind a voice has started talking about Matthew not making it through the war after all.

He knows it is stupid but at the same time he also knows that Matthew could still be killed at any moment. With the end of the war seeming so near, the grim mood that had gripped them all seemed to lift and to him that seems like blasphemy. Although the officers at Downton can now be rather sure of not having to return to war and most of them seem rather relieved. The mood among the officers has obviously changed. And while he does not want to deny them their relief over having survived the war he thinks that they should be a little more aware of the fact that one member of the family that is making their convalescence possible is still at war.

.

Matthew

.

Vittorio Venetto – October 25th 1918

.

He doesn't know how he ended up in Italy. But who knows anything in this bloody war? He heard rumors that the Germans wanted peace, then he heard rumors that they didn't. Even after two years, Austria's new Emperor still seems a bit of an unknown quantity as he governs the country in quite a different manner than he predecessor. And now he has to fight in another battle. He hates this. He should be home, this war should be over. He is about to become a father. Shouldn't the world stop turning just because of that? Everyone should stop fighting and eagerly await his first child who will of course be one of the greatest miracles the world has ever seen.

"Captain Crawley? Captain Crawley!" he turns around and looks at his batman.

"We have to fight. Now!"

"Yes, yes of course," he mumbles and then goes through the motions of fighting, motions that he has been through so often. Shoot, reload, shoot, give commands, shoot, reload, it is an endless circle and the killing of other men leaves him cold. He feels as if he was in a tunnel, it is his fighting mode. Shoot, load, shoot, give commands. Shoot, load, shoot, give commands. It never seems to stop. And then it does.

.

Mary

.

Downton Abbey – October 25th, 1918

.

She has never been in such pain before. Never. And she swears to herself that if this child is a boy she will not go through it again. How could she have done that to herself? Why isn't the human race extinct? How can women all over the world get through so much pain?

The doctor tells her something about pushing and breathing but she does not know how to push. She has never tried to push anything out of that part of her body before.

"Imagine you had too much to eat and need to get it out," Cora whispers into her ear and she does because right now she is willing to do anything and does not care what else will or will not come out of her body. Dr. Clarkson is a doctor, he will have dealt with it all before. It goes on and on. Breathe, push, breathe, push and incredible pain. Until the pain suddenly stops and she hears a cry.

She sends a prayer to the heavens. "Let it be a boy. Dear God, let it be boy."

"Congratulations Lady Mary, you are the mother of a healthy little girl," Dr. Clarkson says and without being able to think she says "oh no. I will have to go through this again".

Cora strokes her hair and says "Yes. And you will do so willingly. But not right now."

She is handed the baby then and looks at her daughter who looks exactly like Matthew. And she feels nothing. Nothing besides disappointment. It scares her. So she does the only thing she can do at this moment. She hands her daughter over to Cora and says "Take care of her please."

Cora nods, takes the baby from her and does not say a word but smiles understandingly. Cora begins to coo and to hum for the little girl and Mary is afraid that she will never be able to care for the girl like that. And all she wants to do is sleep.

"Just go to sleep my darling and let me know whenever you want the little one," Cora whispers to her and leaves the room with the baby.

She lies down on her pillows and prays for Matthew survival. She could only love the baby if Matthew survived the war.

.

Cora

.

Downton Abbey – that same day

.

"Robert, look, this is your first grandchild," she says, carrying the little girl into the small library and Robert gives her a very weak smile.

She understands Mary's initial disappointment but would have expected a little more enthusiasm form Robert.

"Robert, look at her," she says and watches her husband get up and look at the girl.

"Hello little one," he says and while he smiles at the baby, the smile does not reach his eyes.

"Don't tell me you are disappointed,"

"No, of course not. It's just. Forget it."

"No Robert, I won't forget it. Tell me."

Robert now looks at the baby and strokes her cheek.

"The war office telephoned. Matthew apparently was at Vittorio Venetto."

"Was? Has the battle ended?"

"No. But Matthew has been seriously injured. In Italy. He is being sent home. From Italy. Do you have any idea how long that will take? No? Well, neither does the war office."

She does not know what to say. But the baby saves her the trouble of having to find the right words as she begins to cry at that moment. Her motherly instincts take over then and she goes through the motions of trying to calm her.

"She needs to be fed. But I don't think that Mary is capable. Clarkson left instructions though. I think he always does." She rings then and Carson enters the library, worry written all over his face.

"Carson, we need the baby milk," she says, he nods and leaves the room.

Luckily the little girl is strong and does not seem to mind being bottle fed.

"Will Matthew live?"

"They don't know. But what does the war office ever know?"

Robert's desperation seems to overwhelm him.

"Mary must not know that. Not until Matthew is back in England. The birth wasn't easy and she is disappointed about having a girl."

"No. Mary must not know."

She now focuses on the little girl again and wonders whether she will be a grandmother or more of a mother for the little one.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – That same day

.

"There is bad news," Sam says to him without preamble.

"Yes. Matthew has been injured at Vittorio Venetto. He is being sent home but we have no idea when or where he will arrive."

"Or whether he will still be alive then."

Why does Sam sometimes have to be so direct? He does not want to think about Matthew dying. Or possibly dying. He once said to Cora "I love him like a son" and that was true. He couldn't love his own son any more than he loves his son-in-law and heir.

"I am afraid we won't know more before he gets here."

"No. Is there anything that can be done to speed the process of him getting here?"

He shrugs his shoulders. He has no idea what could be done. He already threatened the war office, reminded them that Matthew was the future Earl of Grantham and asked his cousin Shrimpie, a Marquess and a minister, to telephone the war office as well. Apparently they could not be helped.

"You could telephone the War Office, but I wouldn't know what good it would do."

Sam walks off to talk to someone at the war office and while he waits for his stepson to return he wonders about his little granddaughter. He hasn't yet fully come to terms with the fact that he now is grandfather. It is hard for him to comprehend as his youngest daughter is not yet four. He is afraid however that he may turn into more of a father for the little girl than a grandfather.

He tried to talk to Mary but she did not want to talk to him, nor did she want to see her daughter.

"I could only love a girl if Matthew came home and we had a son," she said and there was nothing he could reply. He wanted to reassure her, but how could he, knowing that Matthew may very well die on his way back to England. So he just patted Mary's hand and said "Cora and I will take care of her until you are ready."

Mary nodded at that but he was quite sure that she bid back a remark about her never wanting to care for her daughter.

"I will go to London. I'll find out where exactly Matthew will arrive and then I will go there and bring him home."

"What?" he asks and turns to Sam who has apparently retuned from his telephone call.

"The War Office didn't give me any helpful information. But it might help if I went there."

"What about your duties to the army?" Sam only shrugs his shoulders.

"I don't care. The war will be over soon. They'll know where I am."

"Sam, you are still playing a dangerous game. I thought you had to leave again soon." He is worried for Sam. He knows Sam hates that army and that even though he did not have to go back to war he still does not feel comfortable wearing a uniform.

"I'll be careful. I'll leave now, I'll try to convince the war office that getting Captain Crawley home is actually a job they should give me. I owe Matthew a lot. Without him I would not have survived my years in the trenches." He nods. What else is he supposed to besides warn Sam?

"Good luck then. And send a telegram as soon as you know more."

"I will. I'll say goodbye to Mama and Lilly." He briefly thinks about squeezing Sam's shoulder but stops himself. Their relationship is still too fragile for him to use such a fatherly gesture.

.

Mary

.

There is still nothing. Nothing but emptiness. She is alone in her room and she wants Matthew. She wants him so much she thinks she is going to die if he doesn't walk through the door right now. When she hears a gentle knock she is so convinced that it is Matthew that she almost yells 'Get out' when she sees Cora entering the room. Luckily Cora does not have the baby with her. That little girl who cannot inherit, who might mean the loss of the title if Matthew does not come home.

"Did you send a telegram to Matthew?"

"Carson did. Your father sent him."

"When will he be home?"

"I don't know, Mary. I am sorry. Carson also sent a telegram to Isobel. She might get here faster than Matthew. She is in Paris and we know where. Matthew could be anywhere."

"I don't need Isobel telling me that I failed, that it should have been a boy."

"Mary, she won't say that. Or think that. She'll be happy to have a healthy little granddaughter. As is your father."

"Is he happy about that?"

"Of course he is Mary. He has two wonderful girls himself and I think his granddaughter has him wrapped around her finger already. He is watching her right now. I told him the nanny could do it but he refuses to leave her side."

"What about Julie?"

"She is over the moon. She is helping your father. She keeps singing nursery rhymes to her. Even if she is sleeping."

"I was so relieved when she turned out to be a girl. For Matthew and myself and or our future son. I am sorry to say it, but I wanted the title and the estate for our branch of the family. I would have loved a little brother of course and I wouldn't have begrudged him anything but Matthew and I had already gotten used to being the future Earl and Countess of Grantham. Now I wish Julie would have been a boy. I could be happy about my little girl then."

"You might still have a son, Mary."

"I don't think so," she says and then she voices a thought that has been heavy on her heart for a few days, a thought that is unthinkable but she is sure is true.

"I don't think I'll ever see Matthew again. I keep having dreams about him dying. I don't think he'll make it to the end of the war. I'll be a widow with a daughter."

She sees Cora sigh and knows that it is true.

"You already know that he is dead, don't you? That is why you are so kind to me, why you and Papa are so nice about the baby. You don't want me to hurt even more."

Cora obviously takes a moment to weigh her words and then begins to speak.

"Mary, your father and I are kind to you because we love you. You have just given birth and we both know what an ordeal that is, even if your father has only witnessed it. And we are very happy to have a little granddaughter. And you are wrong about Matthew. He is not dead. But he has been gravely injured at Vittorio Venetto. He is being sent home and Sam is on his way to pick him up."

"Why isn't Papa going?" she asks. Why is it Sam?

"Your father wanted to stay here. And Sam is still actively in the army. He might be more successful."

"More successful at what?"

"Getting Matthew here."

She can only nod. Matthew may still be alive but who knows for how long? And even if Matthew made it there was no guarantee for him being unharmed. He could have lost several limps. Or his mental health. She doesn't know what would be worse.

.

Isobel

Paris/Downton – November 1st 1918

.

She stares at the two telegrams in her hands. One tells her of the birth of her granddaughter and the other of the possible death of her son.

She can hardly remember her own name but she knows she needs to return to Downton Abbey right away. So she packs her bags, says goodbye to her coworkers and gets into a Red Cross car that is going to take her and an injured soldier she has never seen to Calais. She takes a ship to Dover, a train to London, another train to York and a third train to Downton.

It is the Duchess of Suffolk who waits for her at the train station.

"Duchess," she says and the younger woman smiles at her.

"Call me Lilly." She nods and then remembers that Lilly has asked this of her several times already.

"The baby is doing well," Lilly says and she knows that Matthew has not yet returned.

"Sam telephoned yesterday. Matthew and he are on their way here. They should be here tomorrow."

"Is he still alive then?"

"Yes. But Sam did not know anything about his chances. He said something about a bullet close to the spine."

She knows what this means. If Matthew lives his life will be quite different from what it was before the war. She hasn't prayed in a long time because she felt as if God had sent hell to earth but know she prays for her son's life and health. She knows that at least the latter is probably in vain but she prays for it none the less.

"Isobel," Robert says when she gets out of the car and her cousin looks as if he had aged ten years since they last saw each other.

"Lilly told me that Matthew is still alive". Robert nods and her fear of coming to the Abbey and being greeted by the news of her son's death evaporates only to be replaced by the fear of the next telephone call or the next telegram.

"I thought you might like to see the baby. Cora is with her in the nursery. She is a sweet little girl and doing very well."

"What about Mary?" Robert sighs and does not say anything for a moment.

"Mary is resting," Robert says and nothing more. She wonders if her little granddaughter will be an orphan.

When she enters the nursery she sees Cora feeding the little girl with a bottle.

"Is that working?" she asks and Cora looks up.

"Yes. She is strong and hungry. She has already started to gain weight." Cora then turns to the baby again. "You are strong sweet little girl, aren't you?" Cora coos and smiles at the baby.

"You have been taking care of her the whole time," she says and Cora looks at her.

"Yes. Mary," Cora says but then stops herself and Isobel knows Cora stops because she wants to protect her stepdaughter. How very sweet she thinks and Cora's simple act of kindness towards her husband's daughter makes her cry.

Cora doesn't say anything but gets up and shows the little girl to her. Her granddaughter. Who looks so much like Matthew she can hardly believe it.

"Would you like to hold her?" Cora asks and she takes the baby from her. She has never seen anything so beautiful. Or pitiful.

"You poor little girl," she says and Cora gently touches her forearm.

"We don't know anything yet. Let's not give up hope so easily." She nods and Cora's unmistakable American optimism makes her smile a little.

.

Matthew

.

Downton Hospital – November 2nd 1918

.

"Matthew! Matthew!" He slowly opens his eyes and sees her. Mary. His Mary. His wife. He thinks he is hallucinating. Considering all the morphine they gave to him that is not unlikely he thinks.

But he feels her hand take his and he knows that she is real.

"Oh Matthew," she says and begins to sob. It makes him blubber too.

"How are you?" Mary asks after she has stopped crying.

"Numb. I feel numb. Everywhere but especially in my legs." Mary nods and there are tears again. And then he remembers. Mary must have had the baby.

"How is the baby?" he asks and Mary looks at him as if she was afraid.

"It's a girl," she says without any emotion in her voice.

"A little girl. We have a daughter. Where is she?"

"I don't know." How can that be? The girl can only be a couple of days old.

"Why not?"

"I've been here all night."

"Of course," he says and feels ashamed. He should have known that.

"Cora is taking care of her. She is in good hands." He nods. Of course Mary would have made sure that their little girl was in good hands.

"What does she look like?"

Mary gives a noncommittal shrug. "Like all babies I suppose." This scares him. Shouldn't Mary be gushing about their daughter and telling him that the girl was the most beautiful person on earth? And clearly the best daughter there has ever been? In other words, a miracle?

"Is the baby alright?"

"Yes. I suppose so." His heart is racing now. Something must be wrong with their daughter.

"I want to see her."

"Matthew, this is a hospital full of soldiers."

"I want to see my daughter!" he says with a lot more urgency than he wanted to. But he is panicking.

"I telephone the Abbey then and ask Cora to bring her," Mary says and walks off. He has the feeling that he has done something wrong but isn't it natural for him to want to see their child?

.

Dr. Clarkson starts his examination while Mary is still talking to Cora. The doctor does not comment but he is sure that the results are not good.

"What is it?" he asks Dr. Clarkson.

"We should wait for Lady Mary," the doctor replies.

It seems that it takes weeks until Mary finally return.

"Cora will bring the baby. She should be here in half an hour," Mary says and sits down next to him.

"How bad is it then?" he asks and Dr. Clarkson looks as if he wished he was somewhere else.

"Captain Crawley, I am afraid your spine has been injured. I don't think it is only a bruise." So it is what he suspected.

"That means I will never walk again." He feels rather than hears or sees a sob wracking through Mary's body.

"No, I am afraid not. And neither will you be able to conceive any more children."

"Why?" he asks and for a moment he is disappointed that his first child is a girl.

"The sexual reflex," the doctor starts but Mary interrupts him.

"So we won't be able to," she says and then looks expectantly at the doctor.

"No. I am sorry. For both of you. I know your marriage is very loving. But maybe that will help you. I'll leave you now. If you have any questions, I'll be here tonight."

Dr. Clarkson then leaves them allow and closes the screens around them.

"God Mary," he says and she only shakes her head.

"Matthew, don't. We'll get specialists after the war. Or maybe tomorrow. Don't give up hope. Not yet." And because he loves Mary he doesn't give up hope. But before he can tell her that, Cora gently opens the screens around his bed.

"Matthew," she says. "We are so glad to see you here. We were so worried." He nods and stares at the bundle in Cora's arms.

"May I?" he asks and Cora puts the baby into his arms.

"Hello little one," he says and the baby opens her eyes. His heart melts and he thinks that he will be able to go on living for her. A father in a wheelchair is better than no father at all.

"What is her name?" he asks and Mary shrugs her shoulders.

"We didn't think that it would be proper to name her without you," Cora says and the look of thanks on Mary's face tells him that Mary must have suffered a great deal. He wants to ask but Cora shakes her head and he lets it go.

"That was very kind of you. I always wanted to name a girl Catherine. If you agree." Mary looks at him first, then their little girl and nods.

"Thank you," he says. He doesn't know why or what for but he feels very thankful now. "Catherine Mary, that is what we should name her." But Mary shakes her head.

"No. Catherine Cora."

He looks at Cora who it all intense and purposes is his mother-in-law and sees her smile.

"If you insist Mary. But you don't have to do that."

"I want to," Mary says and then gently touches their daughter's cheek.

* * *

Please let me know what you think!  
Have a great day everyone,  
Kat


	33. Chapter 33

First of all, thank you for the many reviews on the last chapter! They actually made me write this chapter a lot quicker than I thought I could and I may even be able to post the next chapter within the next two weeks as well.

Olivia - thank you so much for telling me that you actually discuss this story with your friends. I love the idea that people talk about my story (and it humbles me quite a bit as well). Do you have an account on ff?

More at the bottom :)

* * *

Cora

Downton Abbey – Nov, 11 1918

.

She stands at the back, with all the other women, the maids, the nurses. This is for the soldiers. Robert speaks for the soldiers but also for her and those who helped the war effort in any way. She looks at the people around her. The tired nurses who have worked double shifts for years. The maids who have not complained once about being asked to wash the soldiers' uniforms. Dr. Clarkson who has overseen the convalescent home, has treated an uncountable number of soldiers at this clinic and still had time to take care of his everyday patients. She looks at Mary who is holding little Katie. A girl born during the war, a girl who won't remember the war. She looks at Julie who is standing next to her nanny. Her daughter born at the beginning of the war, her earliest years shaped by the war. Her life probably shaped and changed by this war forever. She looks at her son who has already laid out a suit on his bed. He wants to change out of his uniform as soon as there is peace. She looks at Matthew who sits straight in his chair, who has been told that the price he paid for surviving the war was the loss of his ability to walk.

She looks at Robert who is standing straight, who fulfills his duty as the leader of the county and who feels so very guilty about not having fought. She looks at everyone around her and when the bells begin to ring and peace is officially declared she wants to cry. She holds back her tears because she knows that compared to many of the people around the war has cost her very little. So she waits for everyone to leave, she waits until it is just her and Robert in the entrance hall.

She walks towards him and squeezes his hand.

"I did not fire a single shot," he says.

"No. But you were invaluable to me."

He nods. "It is over Cora. It is over. We have made it through the war."

"Yes," is all she says and then she turns towards him, puts her arms around his waist while he simultaneously puts his arms around her shoulder. "God, I am glad," he says.

.

.

Sam

Downton Abbey – November 11, 1918

.

He has never changed so quickly in all of his life. Not even when at the age of 11 he fell into a pond after his mother, his nanny and the butler had explicitly forbidden him to go near it and he needed to hide the evidence of his misbehavior.

He just throws his uniform to the floor, he doesn't think he will ever need again and finally, finally puts on a normal grey suit. It feels wonderful.

He wants to look for his wife but has no idea where she is. For her, as for the nurses and the maids and his mother the war is of course not over. Not really. There are still patients at the Abbey and they will remain there for some time. They might still get a few new patients. But the worst is over.

In search of his wife he walks into the entrance. He is glad he did not make any noise when he sees what is in front of him.

His mother and Robert are standing in the middle of the hall at the exact same place that Robert held his speech. He doubts that Robert has move at all since then. Robert and Sam's mother are holding onto each other as if their lives depended on it and then he sees his mothers' shoulders shaking slightly.

"We've made it through the war," she keeps saying to Robert and he does nothing besides very gently patting her back.

Robert then looks up, looks at him and wants to say something but Sam only shakes his head. He does not want to disrupt this scene, he wants to leave but he can't because he has never seen anything like it. He has never seen true love. Not until this moment. And he wonders if Lilly and he will ever appear like that to someone. He dearly hopes so.

His mother however seems to have sensed his presence as she lifts her head and turns to look at him. As soon as she sees him she wants to step back from Robert but he shakes his head.

"Mama," he says and then continues "I was looking for Lilly. Don't mind me." He leaves the entrance hall then, looking for his wife.

He finds her in a storage room, sorting bandages.

"Your work is not over," he says and she shakes her head.

"I am afraid it won't be for quite some time."

"Are you looking forward to the closing of the convalescent home?" Sam asks and Lilly sighs a heavy sigh.

"I don't want to think about it. I am glad the war is over and that you are out of the army and that Matthew has returned if not sound then at least safe. But I don't know what to do with my life after the war. I was supposed to be a mother. I won't be able to. I was supposed to run our house but I won't be to. As long as there are soldiers here I'll have something to do. But what about afterwards? We will be houseguests of your mother's and step-father's. For an indefinite amount of time. I won't have a house to run, no children to take care of, no social life to take care of. I have to find something to do but I don't know what. Mary suggested charity work but I don't want to go back to my life before the war and chair two or three meetings a month. I want to do something worthwhile. Something important." He nods and wonders how to help his wife. He understands her predicament. If Robert hadn't already asked for his help in restoring the estate to normal he'd feel at a loss too. He was after all supposed to run his own estate. His mother has prepared him to take over the running of Woodland Manor for all his life and now it looks as if it would take him a rather long time until he could really live there.

"You could ask Matthew's mother. She will be looking for something to do as well. Maybe you could help at the local hospital. You are a good nurse."

"Maybe," Lilly says. "I'll talk to her once the soldiers have left. I want to finish my work here first."

As there is no one around he now walks closer to her and puts his arms around her waist.

"I love you, Lilly," he whispers into her ear.

She doesn't say anything but from the way she moves he knows that she is smiling.

.

Mary

Downton Abbey – November 11, 1918

.

"Mary, if you want to, you should go to London to celebrate the peace," Matthew says.

She knows that he means what he says but she is not going to leave. If Sam and Lilly were going she would consider going to but Sam said that he was so fed up with the war that he did not even want to celebrate its end.

"No. I don't want to go. Aunt Rosamund will tell me all about it."

"Don't feel that you have stay with Katie. I could help Cora take care of her, I am sure," but she shakes her head.

"No. I want to stay with you. I am so glad you are back. And Sam is right. I don't want to think about the war anymore either."

Matthew smiles at her and squeezes her hand. "I am glad I am back with you darling. You and our little girl."

She can't hold back her tears anymore then.

"I am sorry Matthew. I am so sorry she is a girl."

Matthew smiles at her and squeezes her hand again.

"Mary, don't be sorry. I don't deny that a boy would have made things easier but Katie is such a sweet girl. She is perfect. Don't be sorry about her. I will probably not be able to pass on the title to her but everything else can be hers. And who knows? Maybe the law will be changed. Maybe girls will be able to inherit titles in the future."

This makes her cry even more and even harder. Matthew's kindness despite his predicament, despite the fact that he will be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He still only sees the good in their daughter. She wishes she could do that too. She wishes she had Matthew's strength and ability to love.

"Mary," Matthew says and then looks at her. "Don't be too hard on yourself. Let yourself feel your love for our daughter."

"What?" she asks

"I know you think you don't love her but of course you do. You only think you are not allowed to love her because there is no chance of an heir. But that does not mean that you cannot love the child you have. And you do love her."

"Why do you think so?"

"Because you made sure that Cora would take care of her. You gave our daughter into the care of the woman who raised a duke, of the woman who always supported you. You would not have been bothered about this if you didn't love Katie."

She leaves Matthew's bedside and looks outside the window. She wishes what Matthew said was true.

She looks across the lawn and sees her father with Cora and Julie. Julie seems to be showing them something and her father breaks into laughter and then pats Julie's head. He used to do that with her too. And then she smiles.

"You know Matthew, I think you are right. My father has always loved me. And he loves Julie just as much. If he can do it, so can I."

It feels as if a weight was rolling of her shoulders and her heart.

"Yes, you can. Mary, there are different kind of mothers. And I am sure that you can be a good mother. If you allow yourself to be a good mother."

"Let's get you into your chair and then visit our daughter in the nursery," she says and then rings. She cannot put Matthew into his chair by herself after all.

.

Violet

Downton Abbey – November 13 1918

.

"There you are," Cora says when Julie and Katie are brought into the small library. Robert then grabs Julie and tickles her.

"Papa, noooo," Julie screams but when he stops Julie screams "tickle me, Papa!" It makes Robert laugh a laugh she hasn't heard in a long time. It sounds carefree. Julie begins to laugh too and her laugh sounds just as carefree as Robert's.

"Granny Violet, I want to tickle you!" Julie now screams and only the fact that Sam offers himself to be tickled by his little sister saves her from an actual attack.

"You are getting stronger every day," Cora says to Katie and Mary smiles at her stepmother. "Yes. She has gained a bit of weight."

She realizes then that she has never taken a proper look at her great-granddaughter. "Mary, show her to me," she says and Mary carries Katie over to her.

Without think about it, she holds out her arms and when Mary places the baby into her arms it feels as if her heart was about to explode. "She is very pretty Mary. She looks very healthy. And a lot like Matthew, I must say."

"I am rather proud of her," Matthew says.

She admires Matthew very much. He knows he will be tight to a wheelchair for the rest of his life and yet he finds joy in life. In the fact that he is still alive, in his little daughter and in his wife. Katie seems to be about to all asleep again and she knows she should give her back to Mary, but she likes the feeling of holding her. It lets her remember holding Robert and Rosamund when they were babies. Many, many years ago. She looks at Robert who is now talking to Sam and Matthew about having to come up with a plan on how to return the estate to normal and how to make money. He mentions some investment plans, something to do with a railroad in Canada but both Sam and Matthew seem to be against it. She dearly hopes that her son will listen to his stepson and son-in-law because she thinks that Robert is a very good Earl, good at what he needs to do, but not a business. He does not know anything about business. Maramduke was the businessman, the banker.

This makes her think of another war. She had been so afraid, so scared that Robert would not come home. When they received the news of Maramduke's death all she could think was "it wasn't Robert, he is still alive". It made her ashamed of herself but she couldn't help it.

Shortly before she left for Paris, Isobel told her that she could not sit around her house, that she needed to work as much as she could or she would go crazy with fear for Matthew.

She herself was so glad when Robert was not wanted for active service. She does not think that she would have made through four years of worry for her little boy.

Katie has now fallen asleep and it makes her smile. She looks at Mary who has now sat down next to Cora, not doubt asking for advice on a baby-related topic. She wonders who Mary would be talking to if Philipa was still alive. It would probably still be Cora from time to time, Robert and Rosamund would have found a way to invite Cora to the Abbey again and again. How much she wishes she had followed her instincts all those decades ago when she overheard Robert telling his father that he would prefer Ms. Levinson to Lady Philipa. But she pushes that thought aside. It does not do anyone any good to dwell on matters of the past.

"Granny Violet," Julie says and walks over to her. "May I hold the baby too?"

She looks at her younger granddaughter who looks like Cora but speaks like Robert. "She is asleep. Let's not disturb her," she says and Julie nods. "No. That would not be good. Babies need to sleep. Yesterday Katie did not want to sleep and Mama asked me to play the piano for her. It helped. I made Katie fall asleep." Julie is full of pride and Violet marvels at the difference that a loving mother can make. Julie is not very different from how Mary was at the age of four but she is much more confident. Although she wonders if it really is only Cora's influence or if the fact that her little granddaughter was born at the beginning of the war and has lived in a convalescent home for years have made her wise beyond her years. She looks at her granddaughter and her great-granddaughter and thinks 'peace at last'. It almost makes her cry. She wonders if Julie noticed this because she squeezes her hand and says "I am happy the war is over."

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – December 3 1918

.

"Is Julie asleep?" he asks as soon as Cora enters the room.

"Yes. Although it was rather difficult. She kept wanting to play with the train set you insisted on giving her for her birthday."

"She wanted one," he says and Cora only shakes her head. The day after the war ended he asked his daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she asked for a train set. So he bought her one. Cora laughed at him and said that he bought it for himself as much as for Julie but he does not care. He and Julie can play with her trains together. It might be good for her. And it is fun for him. He is glad that Julie has a tomboyish side. He does not have a son and will in likelihood never have a grandson and so he wants to make the most of Julie's boyish ideas as he can. And he thinks it is much easier to bond with her over trains than taking care of a baby doll, Cora's preferred method of playing with Julie. Julie's second birthday wish had been a doll to take care of and of course Cora could not resist. She has shown Julie how to put a diaper on her doll and now Julie keeps begging the nanny and Mary to be allowed to change Katie's nappies. Mary is inclined to give in to her little sister but the nanny is not. He thinks that it is only a matter of days until Mary will disregard the nanny's advice and let Julie do it.

The transformation in Mary is miraculous. It seems as if from one moment to the next she realized that it does not really matter to her anymore that Katie is a girl. Mary will not take care of Katie the way that Cora took care of Julie and Sam when they were still babies, but she cares and her love for her daughter is obvious. It makes him very glad. He had been afraid that Mary might turn into her mother.

Cora then drops her rings onto her vanity and the clatter interrupts his thoughts.

"We've been invited to a party," he says to her

"By whom?"

"The Harrisons." She nods.

"They addressed the invitation only to me. I wonder why." He really could not understand it.

"I suppose they don't know that you are married."

He stares at Cora and then realizes that this might actually be true. They were married the day the war began and they did not invite anyone besides their immediate family. Of course the church had been filled with villagers but how would their social peers have found out about it? Some know of course because he met them at military dinners and talked about his wife running a convalescent home. But it is only natural that not everyone knows about his second marriage.

Cora now climbs into their bed as well and takes his hand in hers.

"Don't worry. None will think anything about it. If anyone asks we just tell them we got married at the beginning of the war and leave it at that. If they asked about children all we say is one little girl, obviously born during the war. And then we'll talk about something else. No one will care Robert, no one."

She lies down then, turns of her light and remains with his back to him. This is not unusual for her but somehow for the last couple of days it has made him feel alone. And let him remember the weeks and days right before they were told that Sam had been gravely injured. He had felt alone then as well, had thought about cheating on Cora. But thoughts of all that had vanished with the arrival of the telegram. And Cora never new about his feelings anyway. He supposes there is only one thing he can do.

So he lies down next to her, puts and arm around her waist and says "Cora?"

She answers with a snore.

It makes him laugh. He can't stop. Somehow his rather depressing thoughts about feeling left alone are at odds with his general feeling of relieve and elevation that accompany the end of the war.

His laughter wakes Cora who turns to him and says

"I was asleep." He still can't stop laughing.

"You woke me."

"I am sorry."

"No you are not," Cora says and he cannot deny it. He does not really feel sorry about having woken her.

"Make it up to me," she says and he has no doubt about what she wants.

.

"You look happy," Sam says when enters the dining room for breakfast and looks at him

"I have finally realized that the war is over," he says, looking up from his paper.

Sam raises his eyebrows at him and he can't help himself.

"And so has your mother," he says and the moments the words have left his mouth he wants to take them back. This could destroy the still rather fragile relationship he has with Sam. But Sam bursts into loud laughter and only says

"You better be glad that I like you."

"I am," he says and then returns to his attention to the paper.

"Anything interesting?" Sam asks and he shakes his head.

"I am not sure. I don't really get Wilson's ideas but I suppose they are very American."

Sam only shrugs his shoulders and then says "Matthew! I am glad to see you down here!"

"Yes, very glad," he says and smiles at his son-in-law who has or the past week stayed in his room for breakfast.

"It is time to go back to a normal life. Or as normal as possible. Which is why Mary has decided that we will attend the Harrison's party." Matthew does not seem too enthusiastic but why would he be? People will probably be staring at him most of the time.

"Cora wants to go as well," he says and Sam looks at him questioningly.

"You are worried," Sam says then and Robert only shrugs his shoulders.

He is not going to discuss his worries about a scandal involving Cora.

"Robert, why don't Lilly and I accompany you? We haven't been invited but I suppose that is because these Harrisons did not know we were here. But if you were to write a letter, saying that the Duke and Duchess of Suffolk were staying at your house, I am sure an invitation for us would follow."

Sam is of course right. Lord Harrison is a baron he and his wife will be overjoyed to have the Duke and Duchess of Suffolk attend their dinner party.

"Why would you want to go?" he asks. "You won't know anyone there besides your mother, myself, Matthew and Mary."

"It might be nice to get out of the house for once. And if the Duke and Duchess of Suffolk attend the party, no one will care about your new wife. Or ask any uncomfortable questions. If we attend the party with you, no one will doubt my approval."

"Thank you, Sam," he says and his step-son smiles at him and then attacks the bacon on his plate.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – a few days later

.

She looks at herself in the mirror. Her dress if from before the war of course, but she doubts that many, if any women at the party actually have new dresses. Even if she had one she would not wear it because it would still not seem appropriate. In London things might be different but not her, in the country. There are estates that have lost half their male workers in the war, over thirty have been lost at Downton. It is a miracle that both Matthew and Sam came back home.

"You look nice, darling," Robert says when he enters room without knocking.

"Thank you," she says. "You don't look bad either."

He grins at her.

"Cora," he says and wrings his hands.

"What is it?"

"I've been meaning to give you this. I wanted to give it to you before we left to attend a party as a married couple for the first time. I did not think that it would take more than four years."

He hands her a small box and she opens it. She opens a box and sees a stunning bracelet.

"It is beautiful Robert," she says.

"I saw it in London shortly after Philipa's death. I knew you would like it and bought it."

"I like it very much." She hands the box back to him and then stretches out her arm. Robert takes the bracelet out of its box, places it on her right arm and then leans in for a kiss.

When she steps back from him a few seconds later she smiles and says "Let's go downstairs," the others must be waiting."

When they get downstairs the others are indeed waiting for them. Looking at the four younger people waiting for them, ready to attend a party, she feels as if life had shifted a little more towards normal again. Even if Matthew sits in a wheel chair.

She watches Robert hold Mary back.

"Do you still think that this is wise?" he asks what she knows is not for the first time.

"Yes Papa. I can't expect Matthew to hide for the rest of his life. I want him happy and I want everyone to know that I am still happy with him. Hiding from society won't be helpful."

She is very proud of Mary in this moment. She knows that while Robert agrees that Matthew deserves every happiness in the world he still thinks that cripples should be hidden. But in Robert's own word 'Matthew is not a cripple but a war hero'.

"Well may darling girl, you are probably right," Robert says and squeezes Mary's hand.

.

"The Duke and Duchess of Suffolk," the butler announces and all heads turn to them. Lord and Lady Harrison smile at them proudly and probably think of their newfound social fame.

"The Earl and Countess of Grantham." Some heads turn their way, others remain on Sam and Lily.

"Lady Mary and Mr. Crawley." Even fewer heads turn and she is sure that Matthew is very thankful for this. She is sure that Mary would probably not mind the attention, Matthew certainly would.

At the dinner table she placed between two gentlemen she doesn't think she has ever met but they seem to know Robert.

"I am surprised Lord Grantham remarried. He did not seem very taken with the idea of marriage." She wonders what that means and the question must have been plain on her face because the gentleman next to her keeps on talking.

"He did not seem very keen on spending time with her and she was very keen on spending time with other men," he blurts out and it makes her laugh. Of course this comment was completely unacceptable but somehow she does not care.

"Maybe it was just Lady Grantham who caused Lord Grantham to dislike marriage."

"You certainly must have been very convincing," the rather impertinent man continues.

"I've tried my best," she says and then changes the topic.

.

Robert

That same evening

.

Someone has brought a gramophone and turned on the music. Some of the younger couples, including Sam and Lilly have been dancing for quite some time already and slowly but surely the older couples join them.

"Go ahead," Matthew says to him and Mary nods.

So he gets up, takes Cora's hand and leads her to the dance floor.

When they dance Robert realizes how long in the past their last ball is. They danced together once or twice each season, never too often. They did not want to cause any suspicion.

He looks over Cora's head and sees that hardly anyone is watching them, only the eyes of Matthew and Lilly are following them around the dance floor.

Sam is dancing with Mary and she seems a lot happier than in the last few weeks. He is glad that Sam asked her dance. Mary loves dancing but with Matthew's injury it will be more difficult for her. Although he is sure that Matthew does not mind her dancing with other men, as long as they don't try to steal her from him.

"You make a striking couple," Lilly says when the return to their table.

"Thank you," Cora replies and smiles at him. Her cheeks have turned slightly read and it makes her look even lovelier than usual.

He holds out his hand to Mary then because he wants her to enjoy this evening as much as possible and she gladly takes it. He knows that Cora won't mind. She smiles at him and at that moment is whipped of her seat by Sam.

"If they can do it, so can we," he hears Sam say to Cora. She laughs in reply.

.

Sam

.

"You are a good dancer," his mother says and smiles.

"I am a bit out of practice. I kept stepping on Lilly's toes. I'll be hearing about that tonight," he tells her and she laughs.

"I am sure that Robert did not step on your toes," he continues and his mother shakes his head.

"He has had more practice than you. He is 20 years older. He could be your," but then his mother stops herself and becomes tense. But he keeps on dancing and says "he could be my father. I know."

His mother smiles another smile at him and doesn't ask any questions which he is quite glad about because he does not know how to define his relationship to Robert. Not yet. But time will tell.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – Later that night

.

"It is four thirty. Four thirty! I cannot remember the last time I returned home at four thirty."

Robert laughs at her. "I suppose this was our way of celebrating the end of the war. I am impressed by Mary and Matthew. How they managed to stay up so late is beyond me."

"They are happy Robert. They enjoyed the night. Both of them. It was important for Mary to see that despite being a mother and despite her husband being unable to walk she can still dance. And it was important for Matthew to see that people don't stare at him and that they don't pity him. He wasn't the only one injured during the war at that party."

"No," Robert says and then nothing else.

"Don't think about it," she says and Robert looks at her.

"I am not thinking about it. I try never to think about it. I know I could have been killed in South Africa but I wasn't and that is what counts."

She now sits down next to him. "How shall we end this night?" she asks and grins at Robert who grins back at her, turns around and turns off his light.

"By sleeping," he says. "Sam and I have to start working at eight tomorrow."

"Is that likely to happen?" she asks and Robert turns back to her.

"That depends on your son's punctuality."

"After a night like this? Negligible."

"Well then," Robert says.

* * *

I am not sure about this chapter at all. I wanted to show how the characters felt relief after the war but also how it took them a bit of time to actually realize that the war had ended.

There is one more chapter and epilogue coming up.

Please let me know what you think and in case I won't be able to post anything before Christmas, Happy Christmas!

Have a great day everyone,  
Kat


	34. Chapter 34

AN: This is set in 1924 but Matthew is still alive because there was no reason for him to die tin the universe. More at the bottom.

* * *

Cora

Downton Abbey – November 1924

.

She feels her maid gently shake her shoulder. For a moment she is back in the Great War, afraid of every little sound at night, afraid that every creak of the floorboards might be her maid waking her to hand her a telegram with the news of Sam's death. Or Matthew's.

"My Lady, his grace is on the telephone." She knows what this means. So she thanks her maid, grabs her shawl and walks to the telephone.

"Sam?" she asks. When he doesn't answer she feels her stomach drop.

"Lilly didn't make it."

She needs to hold on to the table.

"What?"

"She has had the baby but she didn't make it. My wife is dead."

She does not know what to say. There are no words. The "I am so sorry," that escapes her without thinking seems heartless.

"And the baby?" she asks.

Sam makes a noise that sounds like a cry and a howl at the same time. "Fine. Fine."

She wants to ask more about her grandchild but Lilly's death overshadows everything.

"I don't know what to do," Sam says then and she says "of course you don't. No one knows what to do in such a situation."

"Could you come to Woodland Manor? Please?"

She shakes herself.

"Of course we will. Would you like Mary and Matthew to come too?"

"Yes."

She walks back to her room in a trance. She can't think. She feels empty. Empty and sorry, so very sorry for her son and her grandchild.

"What is it?" Robert asked and she has no idea what he is talking about.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Robert asks and she shrugs her shoulders.

"I don't know. I didn't ask."

"You didn't ask?" Robert questions and laughs.

There is no way to put this gently so she just says it. "I didn't ask because Lilly is dead."

The smile vanishes from Robert's face.

"No," he says and she stares at him.

"Yes. The baby is fine. Sam wants us to go to Woodland Manor. Mary and Matthew too. They have to be woken early. We have to take care of that."

"What about the children?" Robert asks and she shakes her head.

"They are too young." She does not want them at Woodland Manor in these days of sadness.

"Katie and George are too young, I agree. But Julie is 10. She needs to understand. And Sam might need her."

"For what?"

"To show him that the word isn't only bad. That there are still good things in it. Or to play the piano for the baby."

She nods. Julie's piano playing has excelled since her beginnings during the war. She is clearly very talented. And she seems to have a special talent for playing in a manner that calms small children. George used to scream for hours because of cramps but Julie's playing always calmed him.

"We'll take her. But we have to explain to her what happened."

.

Sam

Woodland Manor – one day later

.

He is transfixed by his sister's playing and singing. She has been performing "Hush little baby" for over an hour now. Their mother is holding the baby who is only quiet as long as Julie sings this particular song and accompanies herself on the piano. Their mother and Mary have both tried to give Julie a break but it didn't work. He supposes it is Julie's childlike voice and her perfect but yet simple playing.

"How are you?" Robert asks and he shrugs.

"I feel horrible. I can't find joy in the child. Not yet. Lilly died in childbirth. We were not supposed to have children. And then the miracle happened and we were so happy. And then she dies. I can't wrap my head around the fact that she is gone. We've been married for over ten years, have known each other for more than thirteen. I never loved anyone else. It has always been her. I don't know how to deal with this."

"Of course you don't," Robert says and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Have you thought about the funeral yet?" Robert asks then and he shakes his head.

"I can't. That will make it final."

"I'll take care of it then. Your mother and Mary can take care of the baby. Julie is willing to help. If there are any questions about flowers I'll let your mother make the decision."

He nods. He does not care about flowers or anything else. He just wants it to be over. It'll give him nightmares for the rest of his life. But he feels oddly relieved. Robert is going to do the difficult things. He can be sad and wallow in self-pity.

..

"Is this my punishment?" he asks Matthew later that day.

"Punishment for what?" Matthew asks.

"For not returning to the war. For doing everything I could, for using my title and position to not have to fight anymore."

Matthew shakes his head.

"No. You won't be punished for that. There are men somewhere who would have been shot had you returned. And who knows whether I would have survived without your intervention."

He nods and watches Matthew walk away from him for a few seconds. It is a miracle that Matthew can walk and that he fathered a son.

"Why did Lilly and I not get a miracle then?" he asks. "Or was the child miracle enough? A miracle Lilly paid with her life?"

Matthew stops walking and turns towards him.

"I don't know Sam. I am very sorry. But I cannot explain this. No one can explain it."

He supposes this is true. But it does not make the pain any more bearable.

.

.

Robert

Woodland Manor – A few days later

.

Cora and he have been watching the guests giving condolences to Sam for untold minutes now. Sam wanted Julie to stand next to him at the grave and while Cora and he had been against this Julie herself had spoken up and said "Sam wants me there so I will be there. I have seen much worse during the war." 'I have seen much worse during the war' is an expression Julie picked up from Matthew. And while this is in many ways true for Matthew, Robert doubts that Julie has ever seen anything as disturbing as her sister-in-law's dead body being lowered into the ground. But Julie holds her own. She is ignored by many of the guests but not all of them. Those who acknowledge her she responds to in a far too grown-up manner.

When the last guest has left the cemetery he and Cora join Sam and Julie. Robert wants to say something but does not know what to say. He has had to bury a wife as well but the situation couldn't have been any more different. While he certainly hadn't been happy about Philipa's death he wasn't saddened by it either and regardless of how heartless it still seems, Philipa's death made it possible for him to marry Cora.

Sam on the other hand loved Lilly. He briefly grabs Cora's hand and wonders how he would feel if it had been Cora. She almost died giving birth to Julie. But that is the difference. She almost died. She made it. She is still here.

"We all miss her Sam," he hears Cora say.

"You can cry Sam," Julie says but her brother shakes his head.

"I can't. There are no tears Julie. It is hard to explain." Julie nods and then says "I cried a lot last night. I am sure that counts for you as well."

Robert wants to tell Julie to stop talking but Sam has now bent down towards his little sister and says "You are one of the kindest people I know Julie. Thank you." Julie nods and then asks

"Have you named the baby yet?" Again he wants to tell her to be quiet, to not ask such impertinent questions. But again Sam looks at her and he does not seem to be affronted. "No. But you are right. I should take care of that. But let's get through the funeral luncheon first."

Against everything that is customary and probably causing quite a bit of gossip, Sam insisted in Julie attending the luncheon as well. Cora and he did not object, Julie knows how to behave at table. She sometimes speaks her mind a little too quickly but as she has been placed between himself and Matthew there is no danger of Julie making a fool out of herself.

Later that day when all the guests have left Sam asks him to accompany him to the library. He wonders what the boy wants but supposes that he needs some comfort, one way or the other.

"How are you?" he asks the moment the door has fallen shut behind them.

"I feel terrible. If it wasn't for the baby I would probably kill myself." He doesn't comment.

"Am I bad person for thinking that?" Sam asks and he shakes his head.

"You don't really know this Sam, but when your sister was born, your mother almost died. It was a miracle she didn't. While she was fighting for her life I imagined myself going to France and letting myself be shot. It was only when I realized that Julie was alive that I gave up on that plan."

"Why did Mama live and Lilly didn't?" Sam asks and he wishes he had an answer. All he can tell Sam is what Isobel told him. "Childbirth is still a mystery. Sometimes there is nothing that can be done about the outcome."

"We thought we wouldn't have children. We were quite reconciled to that. It took me longer than Lilly but for a very long time we were happy with the way that things were. We saw the advantages of not having children. Of not having to worry about them, of not having to make sure they marry the right person. We were carefree. We knew the estate would go to Julie and that it would be in good hands. We knew you were teaching her what she needed to know. She might want to become a professional musician, the income from the estate would have guaranteed her that. But when Lilly found out that she was pregnant, we were so happy. We realized that deep down both of us wanted a child. And now? I am left alone with a baby I don't know how to raise."

"Your mother and I will help you," he says and Sam nods.

"I have to think about a name," Sam says. "Julie is right about that. That is why I wanted her to come. She helps me gain perspective. I will be in mourning for a long time, longer than I will be wearing black but I have to be a father as well."

He doesn't know what to say. He hopes the child won't have to grow up in a household dominated by sadness, regardless of how painful Lilly's death is not only to Sam but to everyone else as well. Mary has lost her best friend, Cora and he a very beloved daughter-in-law, and Julie thought of Lilly as an older sister.

"The thing is, we never talked about names. Lilly thought it would jinx something. Now I don't know what to name the child. I wish she had told me which names she liked. God!" Sam almost screams and kicks a stone in his way.

"I don't know the names she would have liked," Sam repeats and then without warning tears begin to stream down his face. Robert lets him cry. If it was Mary, maybe even Matthew, he'd try some form of comfort but he knows it won't work for Sam. Sam needs to let it out without hearing anyone talk and without having his shoulder squeezed or being hugged. So he just watches the man in front of him whom he thinks of as a son much more than a stepson.

Eventually Sam begins to hiccup and then stops crying.

"It appears Julie's tears were not enough," Sam says. "I feel a little better now. Still sadder and madder than I have ever felt before but better."

"That is nice to hear," he says. He is not sure that Sam is already on the mending path, in fact he is sure that it will take years for Sam to feel anything akin to normal but this is better than nothing.

.

.

Julie

Downton Abbey – December 1924

.

Her brother is holding the baby which she supposes is good. Good for her to say what she has to say. She is nervous, she is only 10 and her brother is a grown up and a duke but her mother always encourages her to speak her mind. So now she will.

"Sam?" she asks and her brother turns to her.

"Yes Julie?"

She wants to run now but she can't. She has to do this.

"How is the baby?"

"Thriving."

"What does that mean?"

"Doing well," Sam says.

"That is good. Everyone at the christening will say so."

"Yes."

"What is the baby's name?" she asks and she feels her heart pounding in her chest.

"I don't know," Sam says and stares outside the window.

"The Christening is the day after tomorrow. You have to find a name." There. Now it is out. And Sam is not yelling at her.

"I don't know how, Julie. If the baby was a girl I'd name it Elizabeth Julia. Elizabeth for Lilly, Julia for you. But as it is a boy I can't name him that."

"I suppose not," she says.

"Why are you named Samuel William?" she asks.

"William was my grandfather. And Mama liked the name Samuel."

"She also liked the name Julia. And her name is Cora. Papa wanted to name me after Mama. So I am Julia Cora."

"What are you trying to say?" Sam asks. But he does not seem angry.

"That you should pick a name you like. And then think of someone you know and use his name as a second name."

"I don't know which names Lilly would have liked," Sam says. Her mother says she has to understand that Sam wants to give the baby a name Lilly would have liked. But she doesn't. Not fully anyway.

"But Lilly isn't here," she says and now Sam's face clouds over.

"I know that Julie. I know it only too well."

"I am sorry," she says and tears sting her eyes. But she can't cry. Not now.

"Don't cry. I know you mean well. You only ever mean well."

She nods because it is true.

"What name do you like, Sam?"

"James," her brother says and smiles for a second.

"James sounds a little like Julie," she says. "You could name him James Harold. Like Uncle Harold."

Sam now smiles at her again.

"No. I will not name any child of mine Harold. No child in this world should look up to that scoundrel. He has caused our Mama more headaches than she could count."

"Then name him after your father," she says.

But Sam sighs at that. "I have never met my father. I don't know anything about him besides that he drank a little too much, gambled a little too much and should have taken better care of the estate."

"Then name him after my father," she says. She is sure her Papa would like that.

"James Robert. That sounds nice. We could call him Jamie. Or Bobby."

"I don't think Papa would like his name being turned into Bobby. Donk is quite enough for him."

"You are probably right."

.

.

Robert

Downton Abbey – Christmas Eve 1924

.

"You look lovely," he says and Cora smiles at him.

"Thank you, darling."

She is still in black of course, they will all be in black or quite some time and he very gently suggested to Sam to reduce the Christmas celebrations to a minimum but Sam said he did not want that. "This will not be a happy Christmas for me but it does not follow that the children's Christmas has to be ruined."

"Are you ready then?" he asks and Cora nods. She is still sad but that does not come as a surprise. She loved Lilly almost like a daughter.

Dinner is rather subdued but Sam talks to Matthew and Mary and seems to be able to keep focused on the conversation.

After dinner Matthew leaves the room right away so that he is left alone with Sam.

"How are you?" he asks and Sam shrugs his shoulders.

"It'll be years before I feel normal again. And I will never forget her. Lilly has left a gaping hole in my heart that will never vanish. But I know I have a responsibility for Jamie."

He smiles at that.

"You will be a very good father. You already are. It can't be easy to take care of him right now."

"No. But contrary to popular belief he is not all I have left of Lilly. I have all our memories."

"I admire you for thinking like that."

"Thank you. I grew up knowing nothing about my dead father. It wasn't Mama's fault of course. She hardly has any memories of the duke. But I have many memories of Lilly and I intend to share them with Jamie. Not all of them, only the once suitable for him."

"We all have memories of her. We can all tell Jamie about her."

"Thank you. For everything. Especially taking care of the funeral. I couldn't have done that. And for letting me come here and letting me stay."

He smiles at Sam and then asks the question that has been burning on his mind for weeks now.

"Why did you name your son James Robert?"

"Julie helped me pick the name. She told me that I should just pick a name I liked. And I always liked James. Then she told me to use my father's name as a second name for the baby. When I told her I didn't have a father she told me that I should just use her father's name. And I did. I didn't know James was your middle name until I told Mama about the name I picked. She said you wouldn't mind."

"I certainly don't," he says.

"The name has even more appeal to me now. I can tell Jamie that he was named after his grandfather. He'll like that."

He doesn't know what to say. He had been wondering what his role in Jamie's life would be. Whether he'd be his grandmother's husband or his grandfather. But Sam seems to have settled that.

"His grandfather likes that too," he says, gets up, pats Sam's shoulder, walks past him and then says "Let's rescue Matthew from the ladies."

* * *

AN: First of all thank you very much for the reviews on the last chapter. I appreciate each and every one of them.

I hope this chapter wasn't too sad. You'll see why I put this into the story in the next chapter which will also be the last chapter of this story.

Robert's last night in this chapter is not supposed to be funny but his way of putting an end to ao converstation that probably made him uncomfortable. I am not sure whether this is clear form the context but I also did not want to explain this in Robert thoughts as it would somehow have ruined that last sentence (in my opinion)

This story will end on a happy note and I am planning on putting a little more of actual Cora/Robert into that chapter as well.

Please let me know what you think!

Hope you all had a great Christmas and will have a great New Year!

Kat


	35. Chapter 35

AN at the bottom :)

* * *

Matthew

Downton Abbey - June 1928

.

They have been sitting at the breakfast table for 15 minutes now. Sam, Robert, he and Julie. They need Julie for the questions Robert is not going to ask. So Mary pushed Julie towards begging to be allowed to breakfast in the dining room and not in her own room with her governess anymore. According to Mary this took about two minutes. The difficult task is for Sam and him. Robert.

Sam nods at him and he begins to speak.

"I think we are heading or an economic crisis."

"Maybe," Sam says. They have practiced this.

"What is an economic crisis?" Julie asks. They of course did not tell her to ask this but they both know Julie well enough to have been sure that she would ask. She is curious, intelligent and has been encouraged to ask questions and speak her mind by her parents and both her siblings for all her life.

"It means that the economy is going down. At the moment looks as if everyone was getting richer all the time. People have invested a lot of money at the stock markets. But it might crash. The money might just vanish."

"Money cannot vanish," Robert says. They knew he would make a comment like that.

"Are you sure?" Sam asks. "You might want to talk to Uncle Harold about that. He lost half his fortune in one bad investment."

"Your Uncle Harold is a scoundrel and an idiot. He lost all that money because the company he gave it to went bankrupt."

"Exactly," Matthew replies. "That company went bankrupt. A lot of companies might go bankrupt in the future."

"Because everyone makes so much money now that they don't know what they are doing anymore. It is like a bubble," Julie says. They had not expected this.

"What do you know about this?" Robert asks his daughter.

"Nothing," Julie replies. "But that is what it sounds like to me. But I will ask about this at school."

"You will do no such thing," Robert replies and stares at his daughter. After months of begging from Julie's side and discussion with Cora and Mary Robert finally agreed to let Julie attend a school from August on.

"Oh Papa," Julie says and nothing else.

"Be that as it may, little sister," Sam says and winks at Julie. Without any further discussion Julie drops this topic. Matthew often marvels at how easily Sam and Julie can communicate without words. One look from Sam was enough to tell Julie that he was on her side but that now was not the right time to discuss it. One grin from Julie was enough to tell Sam that she understood and would cooperate.

"I agree with Matthew," Sam continues. "I think we have to be careful and think about what to invest in. Woodland Manor is making quite a bit of profit these days. I thought about investing most of it into the stock market but I think I will invest in real estate instead. Houses may lose some value during a crisis but they don't just vanish. If you put in enough money to keep them up, they will gain value after some time."

"Yes. That is what we tell our clients too," Matthew replies.

"Papa, do you have a lot of money in the stock market?" Julie asks then. Again this is nothing they have told her to ask but something they were quite sure she would ask.

"Only a little. Most of the money we have is in the estate. Your mother is as cautious as Sam and Matthew and when your uncle lost so much money she made me pull out our money."

"She did?" Sam asks in utter astonishment.

"Yes Sam, she did," Robert replies. "Your mother ran an estate almost by herself for two decades. I can hide nothing from her. She wants to know where every penny goes and if I do something without telling me first she badgers me to tell her." He doesn't know what to say. Of course Cora would ask about these things. Having had the responsibility for Woodland Manor for twenty years she must know how to run an estate and deal with large amounts of money.

"Mama is a very great woman then," Julie says and Robert looks at Julie and smiles.

"That she is my darling girl and I hope you will be just like her."

"Chances of that are rather good, I think," Sam replies and smiles at Julie too.

It makes Matthew think of his own three children. Katie and George were followed by Lilly, a baby who announced herself to her mother eight weeks after Lilly's funeral. When half a year later Mary and he carefully suggested to Sam to name their newborn daughter Elizabeth Sam agreed in an instant. 'I will never be able to name one of Lilly's daughters after her. But I am very honored that her best friends' daughter will be named for her.' Initially they referred to her as Lizzie but within less than six months that had turned into Lilly. According to Sam this was one of the best presents they could have given him. He has turned into a fiercely protective godfather and Matthew has been wondering for some time whether it wouldn't be good for Sam to find love again and possibly have more children of his own. Of course he does not mind Sam's attention to Katie, George and Lilly. But he has a feeling that what Sam really wants are more children of his own. He has never talked to Sam about this for fear of upsetting but he wonders whether he shouldn't talk to him about this sometime soon. He will have to ask Mary or advice first though, she is much better at these things.

.

Cora

Downton Abbey – later that morning

.

"You look like someone made you eat a lemon," she says when Robert walks into her room.

"Well," he says exasperatedly and sits down on her bed. "Your son, your daughter and your son-in-law formed a conspiracy to make me pull out our money from the stock market."

"My son, my daughter and my son-in-law?" she asks. "Two of those are yours as well."

"I am afraid so," Robert replies jokingly. "But you were faster than them anyway."

"Yes. When Harold lost all of that money I knew this wasn't going to go well. We shouldn't be too invested in the stock market."

"And we aren't Cora. We modernized the estate, we bought land and built houses. We are using the rent to keep modernizing and keep up our house."

"I know darling. But I do wonder if the house isn't too big, if it all hasn't become too much. Too many servants, too grand dinners for 1928. This is not 1888." She has thought about this a lot. All of the grandeur that they live with seems so much. So much more than it seemed before the war. Sam only lives in a small part of Woodland Manor. The house is open to the public almost all year around. He makes quite a lot of money by letting in the public.

"I know what you are thinking Cora. But at Woodland Manor it is only Sam and Jamie and I wonder whether you have noticed that Sam spends almost half his time here. He is at Woodland Manor long enough to manage the estate but that is all. Not counting Sam, there are four adults and for children who live here. We have to have more staff and more rooms. And I am not giving it up Cora. I am not giving up Downton or our way of life. If Matthew chooses to make changes and I am sure that he will, that is up to him but I won't be the one to do it. I have changed more than enough."

"I know darling. I am not going to push you on that. And we do live a very nice life."

Robert turns to her now and she can't help but kiss him.

"Cora, I promised Julie I'd take her along to visit Yew Tree Farm. There are kittens there and she wants to see them."

"She is thirteen, she can go by herself," she mumbles but knows that she won't get what she wants. Not now anyway.

"Besides Sam we won't have any visitors tonight. We can go upstairs shortly after dinner," Robert says when he leaves the room and she shakes her head at him.

Just when she is ready to go downstairs there is a knock on the door that is unmistakably Sam's.

"Come in," she says and smiles at her son. He looks better now, much healthier and happier than he still did a few months ago. It seems as if he was finally out of mourning.

"I wanted to talk to you about something. Alone," he says.

"Sit down. Mary and Matthew are going to a business lunch for Matthew in York and Robert took Julie to see kittens."

"He did not only take Julie," Sam answers and laughs. "Julie took it upon herself to let Katie, George, Lilly and Jamie know that Robert was taking to see them. So now the Earl of Grantham is doing estate business with five children in tow. Although I am sure that Julie will be able to keep them in check."

"Did Robert take the nanny?"

"I don't think so."

"He is a courageous man," she answers and crosses bedroom activities of her list of things still to come that day. Robert will be too tired for that. But he will have enjoyed a wonderful morning with the children. "You wanted to talk to me Sam," she says.

"Yes," her son says and fiddles with his watch. "I have been thinking about finances."

"You cornered Robert about it this morning," she says and Sam nods.

"It appears you got there first. But I am talking about my finances. The estate, my estate, is making quite a lot of profit. Even after modernization and reparations I have a lot of money left. For the past few years I just saved the money but I want to invest it. Not in the stock market. Into real estate. So I asked Matthew to find out which houses in London are being sold. Even if don't want a typical 'London House', owning a house in London would be useful."

"I agree," she says.

"Well, Matthew found out that our old house is up for sale again. I could buy Suffolk House back. It is named Baker House at the moment but I could rename it of course."

"And?" she asks.

"I don't know if I should buy it back. It is a nice house and it belonged to the family for over a hundred years. But I am still not sure. Wouldn't I be going back to the past?"

"If you want to see it that way yes. But you could also see it as investment into the family's future. And it would be nice for Jamie to have it. To have something that has belonged to his family for a long time. Something besides Woodland Manor which he may want to give up at some point anyway." She is sure that the younger generation will deal with country houses very differently.

"Would you like the house to be back in the family?" She knows Sam wants to know if she would agree to him buying something that belonged to his father, a man she married because her parents wanted her to, a man who did not make her happy.

"Yes. Sam, that house was your father's house, that is true. But the moment you were born it turned into your house. So if I were in your shoes I would buy it back. But that does not mean that you have to buy it back. If there are any painful memories," Sam interrupts her at that moment.

"No. There are no painful memories except for that of the pain. I still miss her, I will always miss her and I will always love her but I have put her behind me."

She gets up then, kneels down in front of her son and squeezes his hand. "I am very proud of you, my dear boy," she says.

"Thank you."

.

She is in the entrance hall when Robert and the children return.

"Julie, next time I promise you a treat, you will not tell all your nieces and nephews about it," Robert says exasperatedly.

When he sees her he gives her a very weak smile. "Help me darling, please."

She laughs and sends Julie and Katie upstairs. There are old enough to find the nanny and have her help them. Then she faces the other three children. "Did you have fun with Donk?" she asks and the children begin to nod and talk.

"The kittens, granny, the kittens. They were so cute and we were allowed to play with them. Can we have one, please?"

She looks at Robert in his disheveled state and thinks that this is a decision for another day.

"I am not sure. Let's talk about it some other time. Now it is time you all went upstairs and had lunch." She takes the children upstairs and overhears Robert say to the butler "Next time I agree to taking all the children with me, stop me."

"Very well my lord," the butler replies.

.

.

Sam

London – June 1928

.

"So the house is not for sale?" he asks Matthew who has just telephoned him.

"Not for sale. It is to be auctioned off," Matthew replies and his stomach settles again. He would have been rather disappointed had it not been for sale after all. He has had his heart set on buying it back.

"Well, that could make it cheaper," he says.

"Or more expensive," Matthew replies.

He does not really care. It does not matter to him how much he will have to pay. Of course he has set himself a limit and he will stick to that limit but it is far higher than what he estimates the house to be worth and a lot more than what he sold the house for when he desperately needed money to save Woodland Manor.

.

The auctioneer keeps talking about the house's history which he knows by heart. When it gets to the point at which it is said that "the current Duke of Suffolk had to sell the house because of financial difficulties' he wants to protest and explain that those difficulties had been imposed by the war and the Army Medical Corps. But he would only have exposed himself as the current Duke of Suffolk and he does not want that to happen.

There aren't too many people who bid on the house and except for one other person he seems to be the only with a serious interest. In the end he outbids his contestant.

When he asks the auctioneer who the other person had been he says "some rich American lady." The image of his grandmother comes to his mind immediately. "There she is," the auctioneer says and he turns around.

The woman walking towards him looks nothing like his grandmother. She is a lot younger than her, maybe even a few years younger than he is himself. She is also not bedecked in jewels. In fact she is wearing a simple dress and a matching hat. She looks normal. There is nothing extraordinary or remarkable about her. Or maybe that is what is remarkable and extraordinary about her. He doesn't know.

"You must have wanted this house very much," she says instead of greeting him.

"Yes," he says. "I am sorry for taking it away from you but it meant a lot to me."

"Oh, don't be sorry," the woman says in an unmistakable American accent. Much more American than his mother's accent. "This was just one of many options for me. It is a pity because this house looks very nice and seems to have been kept up well. But there will be others houses that I can buy. Oh, by the way, I am Josephine Miller," she says. 'She even has a normal name' he thinks and then sees her staring at him.

"Who are you?" she asks and he realizes what it is that is extraordinary about her. Her cheek, her fearlessness, her self-confidence. But then she doesn't know that he is a duke. And it is going to stay that way.

"Crawley," he says because that is the first name that comes to his mind. "Sam Crawley".

"Well, Mr. Crawley, would you like to join me for a cup of tea?"

"What?" he splutters.

"Join me for a cup of tea. To celebrate you beating me at the auction."

Every fiber of his being is telling him to say no. So he says "Yes, of course".

He hopes that they are not seen by someone he knows. Not because that would cause a scandal. It wouldn't. This is 1928 after all. But because he does not want his cover blown.

"That Duke of Suffer," she says and without knowing what he is doing he corrects her. "Suffolk."

"Oh well. That Duke must have been really desperate to sell such a lovely house."

"I suppose so," he says. What else is he supposed to say?

"Wouldn't you like to meet him though? His family owned that house for a long time. Maybe he could tell you a few secrets."

"I am sure he could," Sam replies.

Thankfully the waiter arrives then and takes their order. This seems to be reason enough for his companion to talk about something else.

"I came here from New York. I've been in London for a few months. I thought it would be like New York. But it isn't. Not at all."

"No, New York is very different," he replies.

"Oh, have you ever been there?" she asks and what follows is a two hour conversation about New York and the people living there. It is the most interesting and most pleasant conversation he has had in years.

"Mr. Crawley," Josephine – Ms. Miller, her corrects himself - says. "I am sorry but I am afraid that I must take my leave now." He wants to argue but of course he can't. He does not know this woman and will in all likelihood never see her again. He should never see her again because he lied about himself. So he asks "Would you like to meet again?" and then wants to kick himself.

"Yes," she replies. "Monday next week. At the Peter Pan statue." He nods and calculates that Monday next week is only four days away.

"Until then Jo-, Ms Mi," now she interrupts him. "Call me Josephine, Sam," she says and smiles.

"I must tell her the truth," he keeps saying to himself on his way home.

He briefly considers asking Matthew to make a few inquiries about Josephine Miller but he is sure he will meet her only once more and there is no need to waste Matthew's time on something so trivial.

.

Monday

.

"Sam," she calls out for him much too loudly for his taste.

"Hello Josephine," he says and can't hold back a smile. She smiles in return and it nearly knocks him off his feet. He has to stop this. He needs to tell her now that they cannot see each other anymore and that he has to leave. So he says

"Would you like to take a walk around the park?"

Conversation is very easy again and at the end of their walk, Josephine is holding onto his arm in a manner that reminds him of the way his mother sometimes holds on to Robert. 'Oh dear God,' he thinks. He needs to stop this.

At the end of the walk when Josephine asks him to go dancing with her the next night he knows he should say no but of course he says 'yes'.

.

The Jazz Club that Josephine picked for them is nice and perfectly acceptable. So acceptable that after having been there for an hour he spots his mother and Robert on the dance floor. He wants to hide, to run away but Josephine has already pointed them out to him. "Look at the two of them," she says and he grins. "They are dancing very closely to each other. They are either both married to someone else and are having a heated affair or they are one of the very few lucky married couples who are actually in love with each other. What is your guess?" she asks.

"Very happily married," he says and she looks at him. "I say she is his mistress," Josephine replies and an icy arrow pierces his heart.

"Let's ask them then," he says. "What are you doing?" Josephine asks when he gets up. "Wait and see," he says. Sometimes attack is a form of defense. Although this will come with a lie.

"Mama," he whispers and taps her shoulder. Both his mother and Robert look at him in utter astonishment.

"What are you doing here?" Robert asks and he says "I came here to dance."

"With whom?" his mother asks and looks around the room.

"With that woman over there. Josephine Miller." Robert wants to say something but he shakes his head. "Please listen and play along. Don't ask any questions. I promise I will explain it all later." Robert shrugs his shoulder so he continues. "You have to come with me and pretend that I am your son."

"You are my son," his mother says immediately. "Alright, I am your son and Robert has to pretend that I am his son. My name is Samuel Crawley and we are an upper middleclass family. You are not an Earl and Countess, I am not a Duke. You are Mr. and Mrs. Crawley." His mother looks as if she was about to break into loud laughter and Robert says. "What do you say Mrs. Crawley? This could be fun." His mother nods and agrees.

So he takes them to their table.

"Miss Miller," he says, "May I introduce my parents to you. Mr. and Mrs. Crawley. Who, by the way, have been married for thirty years."

Robert can hardly contain his laughter but Josephine doesn't seem to notice. She is too taken aback by having met his parents.

His mother of course is instantly charmed by the young American woman in front of her. Robert seems a little more reluctant but that might very well be because he had not planned on spending the night with his stepson and a woman he doesn't know.

Half an hour later Robert and his mother leave, claiming to want to go home. Although he is almost sure that they are going to a pub. They discovered pubs as a place where they can display behavior bordering on indecency in public and have since gone to pubs quite regularly.

Josephine and he stay at the club where they dance a lot and drink too much. He has no idea how it happened but sometime during the night he finds himself in Josephine's apartment. It is a nice place, very nicely decorated. Not too modern, not too old fashioned.

"The maid and the cook never come before nine," she says and he understands this to mean "You have to leave at 8:55".

"So we are all alone in here," he asks and she nods. There is no doubt about what they are going to do now and he puts up no resistance. Not for a single second. He loses himself in her and what they are doing. When a tiny thought of having to be careful creeps into his mind Josephine tells him not to worry before he has even voiced the thought. Maybe she saw it on his face, maybe she does this regularly with different men and knew this questions would come. He does not care. Not one bit. This is his night with her.

"You are very good at this," she says after she has been lying with her head on his chest for quite some time.

"Maybe. But this wasn't the first time you did this. How many men can you compare me to?" he asks in a tone that he hopes sounds good naturedly.

"Just one. My husband," she says and jolt runs through him.

"Your husband. Your living husband. The man you are married to," he says and she says "yes".

He jumps out of bed, thereby knocking her of the bed as well. When he sees her sitting on the floor, tears of pain stinging her eyes, he feels sorry.

"I am sorry," he says. "I did not mean to hurt you."

She gets up and puts her arms around his waist. She is standing far closer than he would like.

"I know. And I am not happily married. Not like your parents. I thought that your mother was your father's mistress because my husband has a mistress. More than one actually. He is in New York, enjoying his time with her. Or them. I fled. I just couldn't stand it anymore. And before you ask, yes, I am seeking a divorce. I have proof of his infidelity and I am sure he wants a divorce as well."

He looks into her eyes and believes her. He knows she has said the truth.

"You weren't completely wrong about my parents. The woman we saw was my mother but the man with her was not my father," he says and Josephine now looks at him as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "So they are having an affair? And you know about it?"

"No," he says. "My mother was Robert's mistress for many, many years. It is a very long story, too long to tell it now. But Robert is now my stepfather."

"But their last name isn't Crawley then. Why did they go along with that charade?"

"I suppose because they love me. We get along very well. My mother and I and Robert and I. But their last name is Crawley. But they aren't Mr. and Mrs. Crawley. They are the Earl and Countess of Grantham."

Josephine keeps staring at him. "Then who are you? If you are not Sam Crawley?"

"I am the Duke of Suffolk. And the Earl of Derby. But that is my son's courtesy title, so I never use it."

"You have a son?" she asks. He thought she'd be more bothered by him being a duke but apparently not.

"Yes. He is three and half years old. His name is Jamie. I have pictures," he says, looks for his jacket and gets out the little booklet with pictures he always carries around. "That is him," he says. "But the other children are not mine. The oldest one is my little sister and the other children are my stepsister's children. Here he is all by himself and here he is with me," he says and shows her two more pictures.

"He is very cute," Josephine says.

"Yes." Josephine turns the page and a picture of Lilly jumps at them.

"Is she the boy's mother?" Josephine asks and he nods.

"So you are married too?" she asks and he shakes his head. It is hard for him to speak now but he needs to speak so he pulls himself together.

"No. I was married to her of course. I loved her very much. More than you could imagine. But she died. For years we thought we couldn't have children but then she became pregnant. It made us even happier. And then she died in childbirth."

They have now sat down on the bed and Josephine gently touches his shoulder.

"What was her name?"

"Lilly," he says and hears his own voice waver.

"We can stop this," Josephine says. "And forget all about it. Pretend it never happened."

"No," he says and shakes his head. "I don't want to forget this. Or you. Lilly's death is in the past. I have made my peace with it. I had to make my peace with it. I will never forget her but I am free again. If those are the right words."

"They are," Josephine says and kisses his shoulder.

"Do you have any children?" he asks and she shakes her head.

"No. Walter, my husband, doesn't seem to be able to make them. But it might be better that way. With the divorce and everything."

"That is probably true," he says. They look at each other and begin to kiss.

.

"Sam, you have to wake up," someone next to him yells. When he opens his eyes he sees Josephine sorting through his clothes.

"It is 8:30. You have to leave now. I don't want the maid and the cook to gossip about me. Hurry," she says and it makes him laugh out loud.

"Now, you may be a duke but you are completely naked and I do not want anyone to see you in here," she says and throws his belt at him.

"Alright," he says and starts to get dressed.

"When will I see you again?" he asks and kisses her.

"Tomorrow. If you stop kissing me now."

"Tomorrow." "I'll be here at eight," he says, gives her one last kiss and leaves.

.

Robert

Grantham House – Later that day

.

"I don't have to ask where you spent the night," he says when he sees Sam trying to sneak upstairs.

"I had hoped," Sam says but she shakes his head.

"Don't worry Sam. Neither your mother nor I are blind. And we are the last two people on earth who could scold for you doing what you did last night."

"Thank you," Sam says. He thought the boy would leave but he doesn't.

"Do you have a minute? Could we go into your room? So we wouldn't be overheard?"

"Of course. Your mother is still asleep."

"This room is tiny," Sam says when he enters it. That it is true. There is bed in there, a closet and a shelf. Two people fit into it but none more.

"Yes. Your mother wanted a bigger bedroom in here, so we had the wall moved. I don't use this room. Except for dressing and undressing."

"But you have put up a lot of pictures," Sam says and looks at them.

He always puts up pictures. Even his room at his club is full of family pictures.

"I am on some of those pictures," Sam says in astonishment.

"What did you think I would do? Cut you out?"

"Of course not. Thank you for playing along last night," Sam says and he has to grin at him.

"It was fun. And Ms. Miller was very nice. Your mother is utterly taken with her."

"Is she?" Sam asks. "I am afraid it is Mrs. Miller. But she only told me afterwards." He doesn't have to ask what exactly 'afterwards' means.

"Hm. Did you tell her the truth?"

"I did. She took it rather well. But what was she supposed to do? She had deceived me as well."

"Are you going to see her again?"

"Yes," Sam replies and then looks as if it cost him quite a lot to say what he is about to say.

"She is filing for a divorce. She is sure her husband wants it too. I believe this to be true. She didn't lie. But she is not divorced yet. Should I stop seeing her?"

He now has to weigh his words very carefully.

"Sam, by your own moral standards you probably should. But as you are asking this question I am sure that you are reconsidering those standards."

"They aren't what they were Robert. I hope you know this," Sam says and he nods.

"Of course I do. But accepting my affair with your mother isn't the same as having an affair of your own. Even if the woman in question is about to be divorced. The question is whether you love her."

Sam shrugs his shoulders.

"I am 37 years old. I am a widower. I know love does not come at first sight and that after meeting someone three times you have no idea whether you love someone. What I do know is that we seem to get along and that, well, that is works. We seem to be compatible."

He wishes Sam hadn't said this. He does not want to anything about his stepson's sex life.

"Those are good signs," he says.

"Yes. It is different with her," Sam continues.

"Of course it is. She isn't Lilly."

"No. I think Lilly would like her. Somehow that makes it easier. She didn't seem to mind Jamie either. I showed her pictures and she called him cute."

He has to laugh now. A sure way to Sam's heart is to compliment his son.

"Sam, both your mother and I will understand. If need be, we will cover for you. My father did it for us, and it helped us. But before you think about what you are going to do after the divorce is through, make sure she likes Jamie and that Jamie likes her. He is still very young. If you marry again, and I hope that you do, that woman will become his mother, at least to some extent. If there is another child things might even become more complicated."

He hopes he hasn't said the wrong words.

"Maybe my three year old son will be smarter than me and accept a stepmother. Maybe he will realize that that evil person who wants to marry his father isn't evil at all but very willing to become his mother. He cannot remember Lilly after all."

He doesn't know what to say. So he says "Hm."

"Robert, I," Sam says and then stops speaking.

"I know you are sorry Sam. I am not mad. I never was mad. I have loved you like a son for a long time."

"It was nice to introduce you as my father. I have never been able to do that before."

He squeezes Sam's shoulder.

"You don't have to ask me to pretend to be your father."

Sam doesn't say anything for a moment.

"Take your time with your Josephine. Make sure that she is the right woman for you."

"I will. And thank you. For everything. It feels like I keep saying that to you."

"Don't worry about it."

.

"It appears Sam is having an affair with a married woman," are the first words he says to Cora that morning.

"Like father, like son," she says and grins at him.

"I was the one who was married, not the one who had the affair with a married person."

"That is true," Cora says. "I am not sure whether that makes it any better though."

"Well, I married my mistress in the end," he says and Cora gives him a beautiful smile.

"Thank God you did," she says. He sits down next to her and steals a piece of toast from her plate.

"Haven't you had breakfast yet?" she asks.

"I forgot to eat toast."

"So you only ate bacon and beans."

"And scrambled eggs," he says and Cora swats him on the arm.

"Sometimes you are like a little boy Robert," she says and he has to laugh.

"But only sometimes. I am an old enough to steal my wife's toast after all."

"And sometimes you are a very foolish man."

"Your foolish man, I am afraid," he says and now it is Cora who has to laugh.

"Again, thank God that you are," she says and then leads into him.

"I promised Sam we'd help him. That we'd cover for him if he wanted us to. He says Mrs. Miller told him that she was about to be divorced and he believes it to be true."

"I could strike up a friendship with her. She is American and all by herself. It would not seem implausible. But Sam has to know that I would only do so if there was a chance for real love. I won't play hostess to an array of mistresses."

"I don't think you have to. Sam may not have noticed it yet but he is about to fall in love with Mrs. Miller."

"Good," Cora says and sighs a sigh of contentment.

.

Cora

.

Downton Abbey – October 1928

.

"Thank you, Lady Grantham, for inviting me. I know that you are taking a risk," Josephine says to her.

"You know too much about me not to know why I am willing to take that risk," she replies. "And the stakes aren't as high anymore as they used to be."

Josephine nods at this.

"Yes. I am very glad about that."

"What about the divorce?" she wants Josephine to understand that is not just for fun.

"The lawyers say it should be through by Christmas. We both want it and there are no difficulties about money. My father made sure that I would keep my money."

She nods. That is possible in America.

"You know that laws are different here?" she asks and Josephine nods. "I know. Sam has told me all about that. He is very straight forward, he doesn't keep secrets. I like that about him very much."

"Oh, there are the children," Mary says and everyone turns to the door. Julie of course is not among them anymore because she is at school. She misses her little girl but going to school was what she wanted and it is probably best for her.

"Hello Jamie," Josephine says when the little boy walks towards them.

"Hello Josie, hello Granny," Jamie replies and grins.

Sam introduced Jamie and Josephine to each other in September and the little boy was quite taken with her right from the start. 'She talks like you Granny,' he said and smiled.

"Daddy!" Jamie now screams as Sam has just reentered the library.

She watches Jamie and Josephine walk over to Sam. It appears that things are quite settled between them.

Robert had Matthew find out whether Josephine's story of the divorce was true and it was. She later told Sam what Robert and Matthew had done and for once Sam accepted that what had Robert had wanted was the best for him.

She almost jumps when she feels a hand on her hip.

"It is just me," Robert says and she laughs. "'Just' is an understatement, darling."

"I am glad about that. It looks like Sam and Jamie might find happiness after all," Robert says and she agrees.

"Let's hope that they will be able to turn their affair into something more soon. Hopefully they can get married next year."

"Are you sure they will?" Robert asks and she nods.

"I am almost sure that Sam wants more children. And he can only have those if he is married. And he is clearly in love with Josephine," she says.

"She seems to love him too. Some men are very lucky in that regard. Thankfully I can count myself among those lucky few."

She puts her hand over his now and turns to him. "Yes," she says and smiles.

.

Sam

.

Woodland Manor – May 1929

.

He is very nervous. More nervous than he was before his first wedding. But Lilly had been the daughter of an English aristocrat, 20 years old at the time and most importantly NEVER been married before.

He had hoped that his second wife was a divorcee would not be noticed but the papers jumped on it. He only found out from the papers that his wife would not be admitted at court but he doesn't care about that. He wants a good life for himself and for Jamie and Josephine is the key to that. He is now sure that he loves her and the feeling is mutual. Jamie already looks up to her as his mother and he is very glad about that.

What made his feelings for Josephine even deeper was when he saw her in Jamie's room last night.

"Jamie, this is a photo of your Mama. Your Papa loved her very much, I want you to know that. And she loved you very much too. Would you like to have the picture in your room?"

His heart had almost burst with love then.

"Yes. Then I won't forget her," Jamie and answered and Josephine patted his head.

"No."

"When you and Daddy get married tomorrow, will you become my Mummy?" Jamie asked then.

"That is up to you, my dear boy. If you want that to happen, then yes I will. But if that would make you feel uncomfortable you can always think of me as a very dear friend."

Jospehine had made to leave the room then but Jamie had stopped her.

"I would like you to be my mummy," he had said and Josephine had given his son who had now become their son a kiss on the forehead. "I feel honored by that."

"Jamie is four years old and a lot smarter than I was at 23," he said to Josephine when she left the boy's room.

"Sam, don't you think you should get over this? Robert and your mother certainly seem to be over it."

"I am over it. I just sometimes regret what I did. I could have had a father. And at 23 I would have needed one, what with the war going on."

Josephine then smiled at him, kissed him and said "Speaking of father's, you will become the father of a second child in about seven months. So it is high time we got married." She then walked away from him and he needed a moment to catch up with her.

"You are pregnant already? How is that possible? We only stopped being careful two months ago."

"That seems to have been enough," she said, kissed him again and then dragged him downstairs.

After weeks and weeks of discussion he had agreed to having more children. It is one of his deepest wishes but he was too afraid of losing Josephine the way he lost Lilly. Josephine promised she would try her best not to die and he believed her. He had to. She wants children and so does he. He had been sure that it would take years for her to fall pregnant but apparently it only took a few tries. He will have to find the best doctors in the country.

He shakes himself out of his memories when his sister suddenly appears in front of him.

"Sam," she says. "Mama told me to tell you that it was time to leave."

The wedding is not a big affair, it is held at the registrar's office and only family is in attendance.

He drives Josephine and himself back to the Manor in his own car. There are many more people watching them that he thought there would be, but he considers this to be a good sign. The people around him seem to have accepted Josephine as their new duchess. Even if this wedding is a subject of gossip. But he does not care. It is time to be happy again and he is happy. Very happy, he thinks and takes hold of his wife's hand.

.

Julie

Woodland Manor – later that day

.

She is only fourteen years old but she has been allowed to attend this reception and she is very happy about it. It broke her heart when Lilly died and she thinks that no one will ever be able to replace her but Josephine seems to be the right woman for Sam. She is kind and smart and American. Marrying a divorced American is of course rather daring but she also thinks that it is romantic. Maybe one day she will be able to marry an American. The thought makes her laugh. She does not really want to think about that, all she wants to think about is music.

She plays a few songs at the reception and then listens to the band that has been hired to play for them. She likes the idea of bands much better than that of string quartets. The music is far more exciting to her.

Most people are now dancing and she watches them. She knows that Sam and Matthew and her father will all ask her to dance and for her that is enough. She looks at Mary and Matthew who seem to be talking more than they are dancing. Sam and Josephine are dancing in a different manner, more exuberant and more excitedly. It looks funny to her but as they seem to be happy she does not mind.

"Who are they?" a woman she has never met before asks and points at another dancing couple. Two people engrossed with themselves, smiling at each other, probably sharing easy banter. When the song ends they leave the dance floor holding hands.

She smiles and says "they are my parents. The Earl and Countess of Grantham."

* * *

AN: So this was the last chapter of this story. I hope you liked it. I think it is the longest chapter and I thought about splitting it into two chapters but to me it makes more sense this way.

I hope the jump from Lilly dying to Sam finding someone new didn't happen too quickly. Of course there are three and half years between Lilly's death and Sam meeting Josephine but as there were only a couple of days between updates, I hope I didn't create the wrong impression.

BTW, if this had been a film, the last shot would have shown Robert and Cora from behind, walking off the dance floor holding hands. Julie's comment would have been a voice over.

I decided to give the last line of this story to Julie because she essentially is what turned the affair into a marriage (even if her parents would have gotten married without her).

For those of you who are wondering, Josephine survives the birth of her child and possibly even has one more child. Even if there is potential for more about Sam and Josephine, I think that this a fitting end to the story. It has come full circle so to speak.

For a long time I considered making this my last fanfiction story but writing these past few chapters was a lot easier for me than writing the previous ones, so I don't think that I'll stay way. I have got a very rough idea for one or two more stories. They will, however, be a lot shorter. I am sure that within the foreseeable future I will not be able to take on such a large writing project. It took me a lot longer to finish it than I thought it would but it was always clear to me that I would eventually finish it.

Anyway, I would like to thank you all for bearing with me for such a long time and for reading and commenting this story.

As always, let me know what you think and have a great day everyone!

Kat


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